Friday, April 02, 2010

At least this would make more sense

Many great theologians believe, if Jesus were to rise again this Easter, he would stand, turn and say;

"So explain to me again what the chocolate bunnies have to do with this?"

So if we combined Michael Buble and Justin Bieber, wouldn't we get Michustin Beerbubble?

For April Fools Day, Google changed their name to Topeka, which I did not think was funny. I went to Google "Topeka" and it confused the hell out of me .

Not to excuse the teachers who have sex with their high school students, but I have always been attracted to "older" women. The problem now is the older women I am attracted to are now younger than me.

Since you asked:

Ever wonder what happened to band members of the late Sixties and early Seventies hit bands, like Grand Funk Railroad, Uriah Heep, Ten Years After, Procal Harum. Canned Heat, The Guess Who, Deep Purple and the most underrated of all, Badfinger? I do, probably too much. But wonder no more about one of them. You know the guy who plays the crazed Creed on “The Office”? He is Creed Bratton . He played guitar and sang for “The Grass Roots.”

Who, you ask?

How about two gold albums and a huge hit “Midnight Confessions” and 21 charted hits? In an article in “Entertainment Weekly” - the gay “Sports Illustrated” - Creed discusses his life of drugs and wild sex. “The Grass Roots” were a legitimate pre-Eagles big time rock band. World tours, albums, groupies and drug rehab and lining up backstage to get, well, serviced by "Little Rock" Connie Hamzy. (As the Eagles Don Felder described, a pretty little teacher during the day, at night a woman bent on giving oral sex to all bands who came to town) And how Ed Helms plays the banjo and wants Creed to make a bluegrass album, but Creed said he is a rock and roller down to his gonads.

Good to know.

Easter was an awesome time as a kid in Winnetka, Illinois. My Mom really got into it by hiding notes for us to find our Easter baskets. She hated the plastic grass because it wasn't all cleaned up until the Fourth of July. And then the roast lamb with tons of garlic made the house smell like heaven. April in Chicago means the summer is smack dab around the corner.

Thursday, April 01, 2010

It's my blog, I can put whatever picture I want. Again.

Chain, chain, chain, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Jesse James cheated on his gorgeous wife with a large number of strippers and now he is in sex rehab in Arizona. And to think I didn’t even know Jesse played golf.

John Edwards’s mistress, Rielle Hunter, said she doesn’t like the word mistress. Maybe she would prefer the term: adulterer hose-bag skank-bucket?

“Lost” star Yunjin Kim, got married in Hawaii. It was romantic, the couple wrote their own incomprehensibly confusing wedding vows.

The New York Yankees have an ambidextrous pitcher, Pat Venditte, in camp. Upon hearing this, a confused former President George W. Bush said; “So what if he is ambidextrous? They don’t play baseball on water.”

The Republican National Committee spent nearly $2,000 at a Hollywood sex and bondage nightclub where they simulate lesbian sex. Apparently G.O.P. now stands for: Getting Our Porn.

President Barack Obama lifted a ban on off-shore drilling. And, after spending $2,000 in sex-themed Hollywood nightclub, the Republicans have apparently lifted their ban on on-shore drilling.

Ricky Martin announced he is gay. When asked to comment, former “American Idol” contestant, William Hung said; “Of course I knew Ricky was gay. I only look mentally challenged.

The Republican National Committee spent nearly $2,000 at a Hollywood bondage-themed nightclub where they simulate wild sex. Wait until guys get a hold of the term: simulate wild sex. “Honey, I didn’t have an affair with my secretary. We were just simulating wild sex.”

Eliot Spitzer hired whores, Eric Massa tickled male aides, Larry Craig tapped toes in men’s bathrooms. This means Bill Clinton was the most sexually conservative politician we ever had.

The conservative Republican National Committee spent nearly $2,000 at a Hollywood sex and bondage nightclub where they simulate lesbian sex. Proving eternally the only thing more fun than making fun of hypocrisy? Making fun of flaming hypocrisy.

A new report reveals the Republican National Committee spent lavishly on a sex-themed Hollywood nightclub. Well no wonder the Republicans don’t like the new health care program, it doesn’t cover massages with happy endings.

Since you asked, serious version:

The Phoebe Prince Massachusetts bullying suicide just breaks my heart for her and her family. All kids get teased. It is a part of learning how to grow up. In high school I was a fairly popular jock who had it great, and I got teased. And I teased other people. Grow a spine, thicken your skin and get over it.

But there is a line and you don’t cross it. Everyone knows when they’ve gone too far. Those monsters in South Hadley High School in Western Massachusetts knew it, crossed it and now they are complicit in Phoebe’s suicide and should be punished accordingly. It makes no difference how young they are, they knew what they did, and their actions, and the results, have consequences. Dire consequences.

This is not the fault of teachers and school administrators, it is the kids themselves who are responsible. Having said that, it's the job of the staff to make sure tragedies like this don't happen. So at the least they didn't do their jobs well.

Due to those brutal bullies, South Hadley High and the entire region of Western Massachusetts now has an indelible stain and stench of cruelty it will never lose.

There was a sweet, nice, kind, smart girl in my elementary school who underwent criminal teasing as well. Her name wasn’t May Hamm, but those who knew her know who I mean. Sadly she was physically unfortunate because she was tall and skinny, lily-white, freckled and her skin was severely dry and flaky. She also had a somewhat pronounced nose and a giant shock of bright red frizzy hair. It didn’t help matters that she was painfully shy.

Being the non-geniuses kids are, she of course was labeled Bozo. And along with that came Bozo cooties. If you so much as slightly touched May, you had Bozo cooties and nobody would get near you for the rest of the day. This was the precious baby girl of a father and a mother who loved her dearly.

But her shy sweetness and sense of humor and gentle nature far exceeded her rather ungainly appearance. And when I say she was smart, she was brilliant. Why couldn’t we see and appreciate those wonderful gifts? Because, unlike May Hamm, we were stupid, stupid insensitive kids, that’s why.

My incredibly socially awkward older brother, John, was teased far above and beyond what was right and fair and it was horribly painful to observe the extent of the mental damage done. As a result, I really didn’t tease kids much - and I never bullied - and I can fairly honestly say I did not tease May Hamm.

And yet, I didn’t do anything to stop the teasing, either. It makes me sick to this day. I was one of the biggest and strongest kids in my school and I could have stopped the cruelty by sheer threat of force. But I didn’t.

It is my deep hope that May Hamm went on to be wildly successful and, more importantly, deeply loved as I am fairly certain, due to her wonderful nature, she was. That, however, will never erase the fact she suffered severe mental cruelty all through elementary school which is nothing less than a tragedy. Like it or not, we all only get one childhood to remember.

There is no way to imagine the shame, guilt, humiliation and sorrow the kids who bullied Phoebe Prince will feel now and for the rest of their wretched lives. What’s more they deserve to feel all of that and worse. Those South Hadley High bullies need to be severely punished so a message of how not to treat a human being can be learned.

Let’s pray the students who stood by and let the Phoebe Prince torturing occur find a way to live with their terrible guilt. Let's also pray the students who bullied Phoebe do not find a way to live with their terrible guilt. Their guilt should torture them, as they tortured Phoebe, for the rest of their horrible lives. This putrid stain and stink of evil has been splattered on everyone at South Hadley High in Western Massachusetts.

Except, of course, Phoebe Prince. She is in the arms of the angels.

Tuesday, March 30, 2010

Go Daddy doggie-o

The Final Four features a Duke and a Butler. Add two cross-dressers, a Cher impersonator and a hairdresser and this could be high tea service at Elton John's estate.

To be honest, I'm not sure the census form I got was legitimate. For example, why would the department of commerce want to know; "When was the last time you got funky with your hang down?"

In the texts Joslyn James (cough) leaked to the press, Tiger asks to urinate on James. Seriously, what sick freak fantasizes about a women being a New York City subway platform?

Ricky Martin is gay? Sheyah right, next thing you'll try to tell me is Kirsty Alley likes cake.

This is an exciting time of year for Fantasy Baseball leagues, they get to pick their players for the year and pick their imaginary girlfriend for the prom.

Toyota put a huge ad in the Chicago Cubs’ home, Wrigley Field. Apparently it is part of Toyota’s plan not to sell cars in October.

Duke is in the final four. Many basketball fans love to hate Duke because it is considered an elitist and arrogant school. When asked to quickly respond, a Duke student said; “Not if you insist on asking with a split infinitive.”

Since you asked:

Is there anything I don't like about this Tiger Woods sex scandal? It's got it all: wealth, fame, shame, perversion, sleaze, a historic idol free fall, hubris getting throttled with a vengeance all wrapped up in sports with a shot at eventual redemption for Tiger. All the while the smuggest a-hole cult in America, Nike, is taking it with a swift kick in their snotty bums.

Tell the truth, you will be glued to the tube for the Masters. Who wouldn't be? It is the greatest soap Oprah, sorry, soap opera and sports drama of all time.
What don't I like about ordering steaks from Omaha Steaks? The quality is awesome, it is a great deal, you get a big box in the mail and you don't have to go shopping.

Slats and Nugs, whatever you do, do not buy meat from those dirtbags selling door-to-door. They always have a lie about a big order being canceled and that it is a great deal. What it really is a scam. I fell for it once many years ago and I don't even think it was meat from a cow it was so awful. Had to throw the whole pile away.

Since you asked:

We have two new winners of the "Douggie suck a bag-o-di@ks" award. This one goes out to the fugtard who parks her van in the red zone by the movie theater across from my daughter's school and then has her assnark friend pull up in her SUV and double park at the fire zone while they have a long chat, blocking traffic in both ways and not caring at all.

Monday, March 29, 2010

Some things are awesome just because they are

We’re sportin’ snorkin’ something fierce, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Former KC and the Sunshine Band co-founder, Richard Finch, was arrested for having sex with an underage boy. Now he is going to prison to be in the KC Where the Sun Don’t Shine band.

Sarah Palin is getting her own reality show. I believe it’s called “Tuesday with MILF.”

The makers of a feminine hygiene product, Mooncup, have signed Amy Winehouse in a campaign to encourage better vagina hygiene. Because when you think of Amy Winehouse, you think: that girl has one spiffy who-ha.

Sarah Palin is getting a reality show on the Learning Channel. Not to be mean, but isn’t Sarah Palin getting a show on The Learning Channel like Lou Dobbs getting a show on Telemundo?

Sarah Palin is getting a reality show on the Learning Channel. Not to be mean, but isn’t Sarah Palin getting a show on The Learning Channel like Dick Cheney getting a show on Comedy Central?

Former KC and the Sunshine Band member, Richard Finch, was arrested for having sex with an underage boy. Why is anybody surprised by this? Their top hits where “Shake Your Booty” “Get Down Tonight” and most disturbing of all, “Rock Your Baby.”

First Sixties TV star to go was Peter Graves. Then it was Fess Parker and now Robert Culp. William Shatner must be so relieved he is Shatnering himself.

Sarah Palin is getting a reality show on the Learning Channel. The timing is lucky, Sarah was shopping for a reality show for a long time and if she didn’t get one soon she was going to send her grandson Tripp up in a weather balloon.

Sarah Palin is getting a reality show on the Learning Channel. Not to be mean, but isn’t Sarah Palin getting a show on The Learning Channel like Paris Hilton getting a show on The History Channel?

Since you asked:

You have heard me attempt to wax poetic over my relatively new gas grill, which I failed to give a proper nickname. They say a ship without a name is bad luck. Well, I am here to tell you first hand, a grill without a nickname is terrible luck.

When my new gas grill went into our new barbeque island over a year ago, I was so excited I forget to officially name the grill. Her predecessor was Blazin’ Betty. Ah, but the 38 inch super Grand Turbo has three gas panels plus two infrared searing panels that get up to 1,000 degrees, as well as a back wall infrared panel for the rotisserie, har, har, har, har. (Pounding chest, ala Tim Allen)

But I forgot to officially name her.

A week ago I was warming it up for those awesome Trader Joe flat iron steaks marinated in a chipotle sauce, when I smelled something awfully untoward coming from the grill. When I got outside, the flames were halfway to the top of the island’s trellis. It looked like a fighter jet going down after being hit by a missile.

The entire electrical wiring shorted out fueled by the gas to burn out of control. Two fire extinguishers and several wet towels and fifteen minutes later it was under control. In retrospect I probably should have just called the fire department, but my thinking at the time was save the grill.

When the guys from Barbeque Galore came out to inspect it, it looked like the USS Arizona on December 8th. The searing panels that are made to get up to 1,000 degrees? Destroyed. All the wiring was scorched, even the big round control knobs popped off like big slow bullets.

And yes, they are going to replace it.