Saturday, March 13, 2010

You are wearing the hell out of those acid-wash jeans, the hell out of them, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

New York representative Eric Massa resigned amid allegations of unwanted sexual assault of his male office workers. Not to go into detail, but let’s just say Massa brought new meaning to the term: poling his staff members.

Newly elected Massachusetts Senator and former nude model, Scott Brown, is writing a book; the title is; “Pants on the Ground, Pants on the Ground, Looking Like I Rule With My Pants on the Ground.”

Seeing the interviews of articulate best-supporting actor Oscar winner Christoph Waltz, I just realized something terrible: We’ve been making fun of Arnold Schwarzenegger’s accent, he really has a horrible speech impediment.

The Center for Disease Control announced one in six people have herpes; ever since this announcement, all I can do in meetings is think: “One, two, three, four, five, oh, dude, nasty.”

Since you asked:
Seriously, how awesome was Zach Galifianakis on “SNL”? I was hoping and praying he would do a turn with co-hosting the “Weekend Update.” Oh well, this is not a perfect world. If it was a perfect world I would be stand up paddle board surfing right now, then enjoying some PF Chang’s lettuce wraps with a San Diego Sunset (Mount Gay Rum, rocks, heavy splash of coconut water, squeeze of lime) and then taking a nap and then grilling tri-tip.

Or, going to the Belly Up in Solana Beach to see Garfunkle and Oates open for the Flight of the Conchords.

Friday, March 12, 2010

Quick’s the word and sharp’s the action, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

In San Diego, a man was stuck going 90 MPH when the accelerator jammed on his Toyota Prius. He nearly died speeding in a Prius. Thus marking the first time in history the words: “He nearly died speeding in a Prius” have ever been uttered.

Howard Stern is deservedly under heavy criticism for making fat jokes about best-actress nominee Gabourie Sidibe. In the end, Howard will have to answer for his stupid and hurtful remarks about a sweet and kind girl to the ultimate highest authority. And after Oprah, he’ll have to deal with god.

The oldest person in the world passed away at 114; the tragedy is she was only 60 before the Academy Awards show started Sunday.

In San Diego, a man was stuck going 90 MPH for 30 miles when the accelerator on his Toyota Prius got stuck; it was terrifying, he almost hit ten vans of illegal immigrants speeding up from Mexico.

In San Diego, a man was stuck going 90 MPH for 30 miles when the accelerator on his Toyota Prius got stuck. The good news? He got excellent gas mileage.

The oldest person in the world passed away at 114; what is it with this epidemic of oldest people dying? It’s like the mob has taken hits out on all the oldest people in the world.

“Avatar” is still #1 and they are making a Smurf movie. Apparently they are making movies about all things blue. Finally, a movie about my testicles in high school.

Los Angeles Laker and fan-fighter, Ron Artest, claims he has the Japanese, Hebrew and Hindi words for defense shaved in his hair. But the barber must have been a Clipper fan because the three words really translate to: “What an idiot.”

The Center for Disease Control announced one in six people have herpes; and you thought you hated sitting in airplane seats before?

Newton Marshall, a 26-year-old Jamaican, entered the Iditarod Sled Dog race. Did you hear that hockey? Now even sled dog racing has a black guy.

Lindsay Lohan is suing E-Trade because she claims the E-Trade babies are talking about her. This just in: whatever drugs Lohan are on are apparently much stronger than we thought.

Lindsay Lohan is suing E-Trade because she claims the E-Trade babies are talking about her. when they refer to “Milkaholic Lindsay.” That’s crazy. Now if the baby referred to “Coke-whore Lohan”, well, then she’d have a case.

A man pranked Sarah Palin by pretending to write to her as a little child. Of course, in terms of difficulty, fooling Sarah Palin ranks somewhere between the-fake-ball-toss-to-a-puppy and peek-a-boo with a baby.

Since you asked:

“Sports Illustrated” has a great and funny article by Chris Ballard on the high five. In it there is a dispute as to the origin of the high five. Alleged experts claim it was invented by either Dusty Baker and Magic Johnson sometime in the late Seventies, but I bitterly dispute this as you will read later. And since I despise Baker and love Magic, I will go with Magic given this mistaken choice.

However it makes sense that the high ten would be invented by a baseball player. When the batter signals to a runner trying to score to score standing up, the sign to the runner to score standing up is both hands up in the air like you’re being robbed at gun point. And some happy run scorer probably returned the gesture. Thus the high ten and it’s lazy cousin the high five were allegedly invented.

As with all things cool like jazz, the blues, long watch chains, break dancing and freaky sex, the high five originated in the African American community and then us damn white people stole it and ruined it. (Oh, you don’t think white people ruined the high five? Have you ever seen a golfer, especially Phil Mickelson, try and high five? It’s like watching really fat people clip their toenails. Hell, Tiger Woods missed a high five with his caddy, the ogre Steve Williams, after winning the Masters in 2005. But this was obviously the last time Tiger missed a chance to slap bare skin with anyone)

My personal history with the high five is long and memorable. “Give me some skin” started in the early Seventies stolen from jazz performers.

In Sixth grade, my longtime good friend, Jeff Lipe, and I were pioneers in the now cliché long and choreographed signature skin slapping routine. I give him five, he give me five, we both did a sideways fives, slap fives on the back of our hands, cross two elbow taps, a sideways five with the right foot, then the left, and then I distinctly remember we exchanged give me five up top, thus executing a high five six years before the alleged experts say the high five was invented by Magic. OK, sure, it’s a little gay. Just a little.

Yes, Jeff Lipe and I invented the high five in Mrs. Johnson’s Sixth grade classroom at Skokie School in Winnetka, Illinois in the spring of 1971. You can thank us both now.

Or hate us, as is the case with our other long good friend, Ray Delphenis, who to this day refuses to give high fives and swears he never has. (And if you ever saw Ray play defense end in football, you know Ray probably never had the opportunity to be given a high five. Just kidding, Ray. But you almost cost us the Evanston game)

Now I have taken the high five to the high seas. Ever the high five innovator, now when I pass a fellow stand up paddle boarder on the ocean, I initiate the high paddle exchange. Two approaching (cough) semi-middle-aged men tapping paddles in the air out on the Pacific Ocean? It just doesn’t get any cooler/sadder than that.

It just doesn’t.

Dear Guy In Green Ranger Rover Who Wandered Into My Lane While Looking Down Furiously Dialing Illegally On His Hand-held Cell Phone by Carmel Creek Elementary School:

When I honked to avoid a head-on collision because you were coming right for me and there was a car close behind me so I had nowhere to go, when you finally looked up and swerved back to your lane? You then you gave me the finger. Congratulations, you won today's "Douggie-Suck-a-Bag-of-D*cks" award.

Funniest Tweet: "Don't you hate it when you forget who put you on hold? My pants are off and I am holding a credit card, but that doesn't narrow it down much."

Sorry I forgot who wrote this, so I can't give proper credit.

"Doctors in China said they removed a tail from a newborn girl. Or they made a terrible mistake with a little boy" - Craig Ferguson.

My pet peeve is hard-to-open packages and things that stink so, sorry folks at Starkist Tuna, you're all going to hell.

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

It is official, I have full blown puppy-dog Tourette's Syndrome. When I see a cute doggy I cannot control what spews out of my mouth, I can only promise it will be high-pitched and nauseating. It has digressed to the point where I can't even control . . . whos 'dis heres? Waz dis my widdle pupper duppers? Yes it wases my widdle pupper duppers . . . I'm sorry, what were we talking about?

Snaps it back and hold it, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Maybe I’m getting cranky, but best actress Oscar winner Sandra Bullock looked grateful and radiant. “Twilight” actress, Kristen Stewart, however, looked like she was miserable and should be sent to her room for being a spoiled brat. You hear me young lady? I don’t like your attitude.

Seriously, Kristen, nobody has ever been forced to be a rich and famous actress. If you want to quit and work at a chic coffee shop and hang out with your fellow tragically hip artists and make fun of all things popular? Go do it. Until then stop being such a tremendous beeeeee-yaaaatch.

Christoph Waltz won best supporting actor for his portrayal of a ruthless Nazi in Inglorious Basterds”; in fact, it was the most frightening and chilling portrayal of a Nazi since, well, Dick Cheney.

Waltz’s portrayal was subtle, chilling, wise, oddly charming, menacing yet sophisticated, in other words he channeled; Larry the Cable Guy.

Since you asked:

Howard Stern is under, well, heavy criticism for his fat jokes about Gabourie Sidibe.

As we are all aware, the pussification of America is led by the well-meaning politically correct. We are terrified of telling the truth because of our fear from the wrath of the do-gooder “Trophies for Trying” psycho but noisy minority. As a result of not bracing for the truth, our society’s moral fiber gets weaker every single day.

As a result, Howard Stern has found his listeners among the untold millions who are bitter and frustrated with political correctness. That is Howard’s shtick. That is why Stern is a billionaire.

Having said that, although at times entertaining, and I understand he has a deathly loyal listener following, Howard Stern is, above all things, a screaming a##hole. Being an a##hole is in Stern’s DNA. It is more of who Stern is than his rabid squirrel wig, huge nose and his tiny, tiny, tiny penis.

Hypocrites are the worst, but the worst of the hypocrites are the ones, like Howard Stern, who pretend to be a nice guy pretending to be an a##hole. (Same rule applies for Rush Limbaugh as well as Dr. Phil) Make no mistake about it, although a talented entertainer, Howard Stern is the highest order of hypocrite: an a##hole pretending to be a nice guy pretending to be an a##hole.

By basis of comparison, take Barry Bonds or Dick Cheney. Are they a##holes? Oh, absolutely. But unlike Stern, they aren’t trying to be anything else. In my book that puts them way ahead of duplicitous douche bags, like John Edwards, Steve Garvey and the newly unveiled Tiger Woods: a##holes pretending to be nice guys.

And Stern takes it one level lower than that. As I said, Stern is an a##hole pretending to be a nice guy pretending to be an a##hole. Most hypocrites are only two-faced. Stern is three-faced and all of them are ugly. (There is some truth, Howard)

Howard Stern made those painfully mean and stupidly obvious jokes about Sidibe’s obesity purely for his own entertainment as well as his benefit as an entertainer. And then Stern runs and hides - like the low rabid tiny-d*cked rancid cur rodent he is - behind faux concern for Sidibe’s health.


Sidibe is heavy and I am sure she is aware of the health risks and she should probably take steps to lower her risks and her weight.

But the great news for Gabby? She’s not a big-nosed, 56-year-old douche bag with a funny wig and a tiny, tiny penis. We’re talking “Can’t find it when he goes to the bathroom” tiny. Totally vanishes on cold days, tiny. Medical-book-worthy tiny.

Whatever else Gabourie Sidibe is, besides an excellent actress, she is also a smart 22-year-old sensitive girl with feelings. Stern is an A##hole, but he is a wildly famous a##hole, so he knows Miss Sidibe will hear his comments and he clearly doesn’t care if he hurts her feelings.

What a huge tool Stern is. How ironic.

Tuesday, March 09, 2010

Sunday night Oscar was King. Monday morning gay men were hung over.

Sunday night was the Academy Awards, or as some people call it: the gay Olympics.

The Academy Awards are great, I just wish the movie industry in general could loosen up and overcome their reluctance to congratulate themselves.

Maybe I was tired, but, at one point, during the Oscars did Bob Costas throw it to Steve Martin and Alec Baldwin waiting for their score in the kiss and cry room?

Sunday night was the Academy Awards. That made Monday; “Personal Assistants cleaning out the vomit in the limousine” day.

The Academy Awards ceremony was long, by the time it was over Andy Dick had molested three bartenders and the men’s bathroom attendant.

I might have fallen asleep during the Academy Awards. Who won the Oscar for best supporting key grip assistant to the temporary craft services intern?

Who was the snotty woman who won the Oscar for best costume design? She whined about having to win it for the third time. That has to be a world record for being a pain-in-the-ass: “Oh, shoot, do I have to walk up there again? This statue is heavy. Where am I going to put it?”

Everyone looked great at the Oscars. Even Michael Moore’s gravy-stained t-shirt was a fake tuxedo.

How flamboyant were some of those Academy Awards dance routines? Figure skater Johnny Weir was blushing.

People accuse Hollywood of being out of touch, but I asked Andre, my personal grape feeder, what he thought about the Oscars, and he liked it.

The Academy Awards were so long, by the time they were over Meryl Streep was nominated for and lost two more best actress Oscars.

The Academy Awards were so long, by the time they were over, “Avatar” director James Cameron had fired three best boys and a key grip.

Hollywood gossips the reason James Cameron didn’t win best director for “Avatar” because he treats his staff so badly. A personal assistant for Cameron denied this rumor, but then had to leave and pack his belongings because he was fired.

James Cameron’s ex-wife, Kathryn Bigalow, won best director. That had to hurt. That’s like your ex-mother-in-law winning the power ball lottery.

Did you see the Academy Awards? After we put gays in the military, let’s work on putting some straight people in the Oscar dances.

They say Hollywood is high school with money and it may be true, at the Academy Awards, Jesse James grabbed “Twilight” actor, Robert Pattison and flushed his head in the toilet.

They say Hollywood is high school with money, and it may be true; at the Academy Awards, “Twilight” actress, Kristen Stewart viciously accused Sandra Bullock of stuffing her bra.

There was that one awkward moment during the Oscar ceremony where Jay Leno had to tell Conan O’Brien he was in his seat.

Here’s my question about the Oscars? When did Judd Nelson turn into John Goodman’s character, Walter, in “The Big Labowski”?

Actor Neil Patrick Harris received great reviews for his Oscar performance, which, ironically, won an Oscar for straightest-looking Oscar dance number.