Quick’s the word and sharp’s the action, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers


In San Diego, a man was stuck going 90 MPH when the accelerator jammed on his Toyota Prius. He nearly died speeding in a Prius. Thus marking the first time in history the words: “He nearly died speeding in a Prius” have ever been uttered.


Howard Stern is deservedly under heavy criticism for making fat jokes about best-actress nominee Gabourie Sidibe. In the end, Howard will have to answer for his stupid and hurtful remarks about a sweet and kind girl to the ultimate highest authority. And after Oprah, he’ll have to deal with god.


The oldest person in the world passed away at 114; the tragedy is she was only 60 before the Academy Awards show started Sunday.


In San Diego, a man was stuck going 90 MPH for 30 miles when the accelerator on his Toyota Prius got stuck; it was terrifying, he almost hit ten vans of illegal immigrants speeding up from Mexico.


In San Diego, a man was stuck going 90 MPH for 30 miles when the accelerator on his Toyota Prius got stuck. The good news? He got excellent gas mileage.


The oldest person in the world passed away at 114; what is it with this epidemic of oldest people dying? It’s like the mob has taken hits out on all the oldest people in the world.


“Avatar” is still #1 and they are making a Smurf movie. Apparently they are making movies about all things blue. Finally, a movie about my testicles in high school.



Los Angeles Laker and fan-fighter, Ron Artest, claims he has the Japanese, Hebrew and Hindi words for defense shaved in his hair. But the barber must have been a Clipper fan because the three words really translate to: “What an idiot.”




The Center for Disease Control announced one in six people have herpes; and you thought you hated sitting in airplane seats before?




Newton Marshall, a 26-year-old Jamaican, entered the Iditarod Sled Dog race. Did you hear that hockey? Now even sled dog racing has a black guy.




Lindsay Lohan is suing E-Trade because she claims the E-Trade babies are talking about her. This just in: whatever drugs Lohan are on are apparently much stronger than we thought.




Lindsay Lohan is suing E-Trade because she claims the E-Trade babies are talking about her. when they refer to “Milkaholic Lindsay.” That’s crazy. Now if the baby referred to “Coke-whore Lohan”, well, then she’d have a case.



A man pranked Sarah Palin by pretending to write to her as a little child. Of course, in terms of difficulty, fooling Sarah Palin ranks somewhere between the-fake-ball-toss-to-a-puppy and peek-a-boo with a baby.


Since you asked:

“Sports Illustrated” has a great and funny article by Chris Ballard on the high five. In it there is a dispute as to the origin of the high five. Alleged experts claim it was invented by either Dusty Baker and Magic Johnson sometime in the late Seventies, but I bitterly dispute this as you will read later. And since I despise Baker and love Magic, I will go with Magic given this mistaken choice.

However it makes sense that the high ten would be invented by a baseball player. When the batter signals to a runner trying to score to score standing up, the sign to the runner to score standing up is both hands up in the air like you’re being robbed at gun point. And some happy run scorer probably returned the gesture. Thus the high ten and it’s lazy cousin the high five were allegedly invented.

As with all things cool like jazz, the blues, long watch chains, break dancing and freaky sex, the high five originated in the African American community and then us damn white people stole it and ruined it. (Oh, you don’t think white people ruined the high five? Have you ever seen a golfer, especially Phil Mickelson, try and high five? It’s like watching really fat people clip their toenails. Hell, Tiger Woods missed a high five with his caddy, the ogre Steve Williams, after winning the Masters in 2005. But this was obviously the last time Tiger missed a chance to slap bare skin with anyone)

My personal history with the high five is long and memorable. “Give me some skin” started in the early Seventies stolen from jazz performers.

In Sixth grade, my longtime good friend, Jeff Lipe, and I were pioneers in the now cliché long and choreographed signature skin slapping routine. I give him five, he give me five, we both did a sideways fives, slap fives on the back of our hands, cross two elbow taps, a sideways five with the right foot, then the left, and then I distinctly remember we exchanged give me five up top, thus executing a high five six years before the alleged experts say the high five was invented by Magic. OK, sure, it’s a little gay. Just a little.

Yes, Jeff Lipe and I invented the high five in Mrs. Johnson’s Sixth grade classroom at Skokie School in Winnetka, Illinois in the spring of 1971. You can thank us both now.

Or hate us, as is the case with our other long good friend, Ray Delphenis, who to this day refuses to give high fives and swears he never has. (And if you ever saw Ray play defense end in football, you know Ray probably never had the opportunity to be given a high five. Just kidding, Ray. But you almost cost us the Evanston game)

Now I have taken the high five to the high seas. Ever the high five innovator, now when I pass a fellow stand up paddle boarder on the ocean, I initiate the high paddle exchange. Two approaching (cough) semi-middle-aged men tapping paddles in the air out on the Pacific Ocean? It just doesn’t get any cooler/sadder than that.

It just doesn’t.

Dear Guy In Green Ranger Rover Who Wandered Into My Lane While Looking Down Furiously Dialing Illegally On His Hand-held Cell Phone by Carmel Creek Elementary School:

When I honked to avoid a head-on collision because you were coming right for me and there was a car close behind me so I had nowhere to go, when you finally looked up and swerved back to your lane? You then you gave me the finger. Congratulations, you won today's "Douggie-Suck-a-Bag-of-D*cks" award.

Funniest Tweet: "Don't you hate it when you forget who put you on hold? My pants are off and I am holding a credit card, but that doesn't narrow it down much."

Sorry I forgot who wrote this, so I can't give proper credit.

"Doctors in China said they removed a tail from a newborn girl. Or they made a terrible mistake with a little boy" - Craig Ferguson.

My pet peeve is hard-to-open packages and things that stink so, sorry folks at Starkist Tuna, you're all going to hell.