Tuesday, March 09, 2010

Sunday night Oscar was King. Monday morning gay men were hung over.

Sunday night was the Academy Awards, or as some people call it: the gay Olympics.

The Academy Awards are great, I just wish the movie industry in general could loosen up and overcome their reluctance to congratulate themselves.

Maybe I was tired, but, at one point, during the Oscars did Bob Costas throw it to Steve Martin and Alec Baldwin waiting for their score in the kiss and cry room?

Sunday night was the Academy Awards. That made Monday; “Personal Assistants cleaning out the vomit in the limousine” day.

The Academy Awards ceremony was long, by the time it was over Andy Dick had molested three bartenders and the men’s bathroom attendant.

I might have fallen asleep during the Academy Awards. Who won the Oscar for best supporting key grip assistant to the temporary craft services intern?

Who was the snotty woman who won the Oscar for best costume design? She whined about having to win it for the third time. That has to be a world record for being a pain-in-the-ass: “Oh, shoot, do I have to walk up there again? This statue is heavy. Where am I going to put it?”

Everyone looked great at the Oscars. Even Michael Moore’s gravy-stained t-shirt was a fake tuxedo.

How flamboyant were some of those Academy Awards dance routines? Figure skater Johnny Weir was blushing.

People accuse Hollywood of being out of touch, but I asked Andre, my personal grape feeder, what he thought about the Oscars, and he liked it.

The Academy Awards were so long, by the time they were over Meryl Streep was nominated for and lost two more best actress Oscars.

The Academy Awards were so long, by the time they were over, “Avatar” director James Cameron had fired three best boys and a key grip.

Hollywood gossips the reason James Cameron didn’t win best director for “Avatar” because he treats his staff so badly. A personal assistant for Cameron denied this rumor, but then had to leave and pack his belongings because he was fired.

James Cameron’s ex-wife, Kathryn Bigalow, won best director. That had to hurt. That’s like your ex-mother-in-law winning the power ball lottery.

Did you see the Academy Awards? After we put gays in the military, let’s work on putting some straight people in the Oscar dances.

They say Hollywood is high school with money and it may be true, at the Academy Awards, Jesse James grabbed “Twilight” actor, Robert Pattison and flushed his head in the toilet.

They say Hollywood is high school with money, and it may be true; at the Academy Awards, “Twilight” actress, Kristen Stewart viciously accused Sandra Bullock of stuffing her bra.

There was that one awkward moment during the Oscar ceremony where Jay Leno had to tell Conan O’Brien he was in his seat.

Here’s my question about the Oscars? When did Judd Nelson turn into John Goodman’s character, Walter, in “The Big Labowski”?

Actor Neil Patrick Harris received great reviews for his Oscar performance, which, ironically, won an Oscar for straightest-looking Oscar dance number.