Wednesday, March 10, 2010

It is official, I have full blown puppy-dog Tourette's Syndrome. When I see a cute doggy I cannot control what spews out of my mouth, I can only promise it will be high-pitched and nauseating. It has digressed to the point where I can't even control . . . whos 'dis heres? Waz dis my widdle pupper duppers? Yes it wases my widdle pupper duppers . . . I'm sorry, what were we talking about?

Snaps it back and hold it, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Maybe I’m getting cranky, but best actress Oscar winner Sandra Bullock looked grateful and radiant. “Twilight” actress, Kristen Stewart, however, looked like she was miserable and should be sent to her room for being a spoiled brat. You hear me young lady? I don’t like your attitude.

Seriously, Kristen, nobody has ever been forced to be a rich and famous actress. If you want to quit and work at a chic coffee shop and hang out with your fellow tragically hip artists and make fun of all things popular? Go do it. Until then stop being such a tremendous beeeeee-yaaaatch.

Christoph Waltz won best supporting actor for his portrayal of a ruthless Nazi in Inglorious Basterds”; in fact, it was the most frightening and chilling portrayal of a Nazi since, well, Dick Cheney.

Waltz’s portrayal was subtle, chilling, wise, oddly charming, menacing yet sophisticated, in other words he channeled; Larry the Cable Guy.

Since you asked:

Howard Stern is under, well, heavy criticism for his fat jokes about Gabourie Sidibe.

As we are all aware, the pussification of America is led by the well-meaning politically correct. We are terrified of telling the truth because of our fear from the wrath of the do-gooder “Trophies for Trying” psycho but noisy minority. As a result of not bracing for the truth, our society’s moral fiber gets weaker every single day.

As a result, Howard Stern has found his listeners among the untold millions who are bitter and frustrated with political correctness. That is Howard’s shtick. That is why Stern is a billionaire.

Having said that, although at times entertaining, and I understand he has a deathly loyal listener following, Howard Stern is, above all things, a screaming a##hole. Being an a##hole is in Stern’s DNA. It is more of who Stern is than his rabid squirrel wig, huge nose and his tiny, tiny, tiny penis.

Hypocrites are the worst, but the worst of the hypocrites are the ones, like Howard Stern, who pretend to be a nice guy pretending to be an a##hole. (Same rule applies for Rush Limbaugh as well as Dr. Phil) Make no mistake about it, although a talented entertainer, Howard Stern is the highest order of hypocrite: an a##hole pretending to be a nice guy pretending to be an a##hole.

By basis of comparison, take Barry Bonds or Dick Cheney. Are they a##holes? Oh, absolutely. But unlike Stern, they aren’t trying to be anything else. In my book that puts them way ahead of duplicitous douche bags, like John Edwards, Steve Garvey and the newly unveiled Tiger Woods: a##holes pretending to be nice guys.

And Stern takes it one level lower than that. As I said, Stern is an a##hole pretending to be a nice guy pretending to be an a##hole. Most hypocrites are only two-faced. Stern is three-faced and all of them are ugly. (There is some truth, Howard)

Howard Stern made those painfully mean and stupidly obvious jokes about Sidibe’s obesity purely for his own entertainment as well as his benefit as an entertainer. And then Stern runs and hides - like the low rabid tiny-d*cked rancid cur rodent he is - behind faux concern for Sidibe’s health.


Sidibe is heavy and I am sure she is aware of the health risks and she should probably take steps to lower her risks and her weight.

But the great news for Gabby? She’s not a big-nosed, 56-year-old douche bag with a funny wig and a tiny, tiny penis. We’re talking “Can’t find it when he goes to the bathroom” tiny. Totally vanishes on cold days, tiny. Medical-book-worthy tiny.

Whatever else Gabourie Sidibe is, besides an excellent actress, she is also a smart 22-year-old sensitive girl with feelings. Stern is an A##hole, but he is a wildly famous a##hole, so he knows Miss Sidibe will hear his comments and he clearly doesn’t care if he hurts her feelings.

What a huge tool Stern is. How ironic.