Saturday, December 26, 2009

To My English friends, Happy Boxing Day

I’d like to wish everyone a Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, Merry Kwanza and to the atheists, Happy Saving-Tons-of-Money-and-Hassles week.

#1 Hero of 2009? Capt. “Sully” Sullenberger for landing on the Hudson river; #2 Hero of 2009? Alex Rodriguez for landing safely on the Hudson, Kate.

A study reveals you are six times more likely to get in an accident if you text, post on Twitter and facebook while driving. And you are one hundred times more likely to be an utter douche bag.

Monday, President Obama called into a Washington DC radio station as Barry from D.C. The good news is Obama was the tenth caller. The bad news is the tenth caller won a free tour of the White House.

President George W. Bush said he is 85% finished with his memoirs. And I believe him, when has Bush ever been wrong about knowing when a mission is accomplished?

The makers of the Snuggie have made a Snuggie for the neck they call the Neckie. Wait, isn’t a Neckie called a dickie? No, that’s right, a dickie is a guy who wears a Neckie.

Spencer Pratt had an embarrassing Christmas moment; he gave his wife, Heidi Montag, the “SNL” dick-in-a-box and she returned it for a bigger size.

Here is a heartwarming Christmas thought: this is going to be OJ Simpson’s second Christmas in prison.

There’s friction between Minnesota Vikings QB Brett Favre and his coach, Brad Childress. Childress doesn’t want Favre to change the plays, Favre wants Childress to tell the players to turn down their Hi Fi stereos in the locker room, because that’s not music, that’s noise.

OJ Simpson is enjoying his second Christmas in prison. OJ is in Lovelock Prison, Lovelock, Nevada. Coincidentally, OJ is spending his Christmas in Lovelock in a love lock with his cellmate, Bruno.

Vanda, a drug that cures schizophrenia, comes out in 2010; that’s good and bad news for me. Vanda will silence the screaming crazy space alien voice in my head, Tarknarf. The bad news? Tarknarf the space alien is the guy who gives me my best jokes.

There was so much snow in Chicago, the Bears had to cancel the practices they were going to blow off.

Alex Rodriguez has broken up with Kate Hudson. Actually, he traded Kate to Tiger Woods for a tramp-to-be-named later.

Can you believe all the snow in the Midwest? There hasn’t been this much of a down pouring of white stuff since the woman in the Tiger Woods sex scandal.

Vanda, a drug that cures shizophrenia, comes out in 2010. That is great news for me and really great news for the other me.

Today's big game is the Emerald Bowl that pits the USC Trojans against the Boston College Eagles in an epic game to see which is the best team named after a company that makes condoms.

Friday, December 25, 2009

Merry Christmas, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Oh sure, we're all about having Santa deliver our presents on a foggy Christmas Eve, but did anyone stop to think Rudulph's bright shiny nose might be badly infected?

You can tell things have changed. Now if “It’s a Wonderful Life” George Bailey lost $8,000, the treasury would give him a billion dollars of bailout money and he would give himself a huge bonus.

Tiger Woods mistresses say Tiger did not use protection during sex; but he was really good about using the ball-washer.

In China, an animal trainer who taught his monkeys Kung Fu was attacked by the monkeys. But the monkeys attacked him with their own monkey derivation of Kung Fu: Flung Poo.

The oldest Jonas brother, Kevin, is getting married; in a related story, a new world record 25 million texts were sent that said “OMG, WTF?”

“Time” named Fed Chairman Ben Bernanke as Man of the Year; I was in the running, I finished in the man-of-the-year race somewhere between Jon Gosselin and Chas Bono

“Time” magazine named Fed Chairman Ben Bernanke as Person of the Year; as a result, I named 2009 Most Boring Year of the Year.

“Time” magazine named Fed Chairman Ben Bernanke as Person of the Year; that’s amazing when you consider, last year, Bernanke didn’t win Bernanke of the year. His cousin, Lou, did.

Tiger Woods’s approval rating has dropped, but it is still 46%, the same as President Obama’s approval rating. But that’s not fair to the President, Tiger’s approval numbers includes all of Tiger’s skanks, floozies and ho’s.

I forgot how funny the Christmas movies were. Like that Santa Claus trial scene in “Miracle on 34th Street” where the attorneys agree the United States Post Office is efficient well-run and profitable? That stuff is hilarious.

Do you know why Kris Kringle was on trial on “Miracle on 34th Street”? Santa Clause violated Macy’s sanity clause.

Leeds University is studying lap dancing; guess what they discovered? Guys like beautiful girls gyrating on their laps. Amazing.

Fresno has a new promotional motto: “Be World Class, Be Fresno.” Which is better than their old motto, “Fresno, A Broke-ass Bakersfield.”

A man in England got three years for accidentally killing his wife with the TV remote, personally I thought it should have been justifiable homicide. She asked to switch to “The View.”

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

A closer shot of the Labrador tree angel
Hop, stop, drop and flop, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Yesterday was the shortest day of the year, unless you’re Tiger Woods’s publicist. Or his urologist.

The #1 box office hit, “Avatar” cost $500 million to make. $500 million? Apparently the film’s financial advisor was Bernie Madoff.

The most popular boys names for 2009 were Ethan, Noah and Logan. The least popular boy name for 2009? Tiger Madoff Gosselin.

The most popular girl names for 2009 were Emma, Olivia and Ava. The least popular girl name? Heidi Kate-plus-8 Omarossa.

A New Mexico woman claims a car crash altered her pelvis resulting in an insatiable sex drive. A car crash and a woman with an insatiable sex drive, sounds like Tiger Woods’s dream girl.

Rough year for Chicago Bear fans, QB, Jay Cutler tried to pass them holiday wishes, but they were intercepted and returned for a touchdown.

If you’re still looking for a good Christmas toy for your kids, you can’t go wrong with a Northwest Airlines Airplane bed. It puts your kids right to sleep.

First the State dinner crashers and then Georgia tourists mistakenly have breakfast with the President. It is so bad the White House secret service is changing their own code names to dumb-ass 1 through dumb-ass 10.

In “Avatar” for $500 million, they put electrodes all over the real actors and then digitally recreated the actor’s exact moves and expressions. Isn’t that like hiring an expensive prostitute to impersonate your wife going to sleep?

In “Avatar” for $500 million, they put electrodes all over the real actors and then digitally recreated the actor’s exact moves and facial expressions. The next film technology breakthrough? Actually filming the actors themselves. It will be amazing.

Since you asked:

“Miracle on 34th Street” is so great. Was everybody in 1947 a complete and utter cornball? That chubby kid, Alfred? He talked like a poor man’s James Cagney. “Look, see. Stop crackin’ wise, flat foot. Just ‘trow it on dah floooah.”

And everyone dressed so nicely in suits and hats and drank coffee and smoked pipes. The cars were so shiny. And the streets of New York? They were spotless. No traffic. It was amazing. But the funniest part? When both lawyers at the hearing agreed that the United States Post Office was efficient, profitable and well run.

Now that crap there is hysterical.

Fun thing to do while Christmas shopping? Find an old fashioned hat store, try them on and ask the salesman:

“Which one is best at keeping out radar waves from aliens trying to steal my plans to takeover the world?”

Here are some signs you may have a fake copy of “It’s A Wonderful Life” on DVD:

George Bailey sends Mary Hatch a sexy text message saying he’s gonna Buffalo gal her tonight.

The town tramp, Violet Bick, accuses George Bailey of being her baby daddy on “Maury.”

Bert-the-cop and Ernie-the-cab-driver come out of the closet together and get engaged on a very special “Ellen.”

The Bailey Building and Loan gets TARP bailout from the treasury.

When George Bailey yells at his kids, Tommy calls Child Protective Services.

Italian Americans object that Martini the- bar-owner is an Italian American stereotype.

The town tramp, Violet Bick, reveals she had a lengthy and torrid affair with Tiger Woods.

Annie, the Bailey’s maid, is played by Cedric the Entertainer.

In a fever-induced haze, Zu Zu Bailey punches “Jersey Shore’s” Snookie in the face.

Bert-the-cop and Ernie-the-cab-driver sue “Sesame Street” for copyright infringement.
Sparky, our tree this year. Notice the Yellow Labrador tree angel?

Don't be bangin' my mash, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

If you’re still looking for the perfect present for your man, Burger King has a men’s cologne called Flame. And what guy doesn’t want to smell like a Flamer?

If you’re still looking for a present for your man, Burger King has a men’s cologne called Flame. It’s the perfect gift for the man who wants to smell like arteriolosclerosis and minimum wage.

A company in Dubai is continuing construction on a golf course designed by Tiger Woods; they drilled the first 15 holes easy enough, but then they crashed an SUV and are undergoing intense in-house marriage counseling.

Sports movies are hot now with the South African rugby story, “Invictus” and the football player bio “Blindside.” Look for the Tiger Woods biopic inspired by “Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants”; “Tiger Woods of the Falling Pants.”

Alex Rodriguez broke up with Kate Hudson because he felt she was using him for free publicity. That’s just one difference between me and A-Rod, I wouldn’t break up with Kate Hudson if she was using me to feed on my blood, bone marrow and soul.