Merry Christmas, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Oh sure, we're all about having Santa deliver our presents on a foggy Christmas Eve, but did anyone stop to think Rudulph's bright shiny nose might be badly infected?


You can tell things have changed. Now if “It’s a Wonderful Life” George Bailey lost $8,000, the treasury would give him a billion dollars of bailout money and he would give himself a huge bonus.


Tiger Woods mistresses say Tiger did not use protection during sex; but he was really good about using the ball-washer.


In China, an animal trainer who taught his monkeys Kung Fu was attacked by the monkeys. But the monkeys attacked him with their own monkey derivation of Kung Fu: Flung Poo.


The oldest Jonas brother, Kevin, is getting married; in a related story, a new world record 25 million texts were sent that said “OMG, WTF?”


“Time” named Fed Chairman Ben Bernanke as Man of the Year; I was in the running, I finished in the man-of-the-year race somewhere between Jon Gosselin and Chas Bono


“Time” magazine named Fed Chairman Ben Bernanke as Person of the Year; as a result, I named 2009 Most Boring Year of the Year.


“Time” magazine named Fed Chairman Ben Bernanke as Person of the Year; that’s amazing when you consider, last year, Bernanke didn’t win Bernanke of the year. His cousin, Lou, did.


Tiger Woods’s approval rating has dropped, but it is still 46%, the same as President Obama’s approval rating. But that’s not fair to the President, Tiger’s approval numbers includes all of Tiger’s skanks, floozies and ho’s.


I forgot how funny the Christmas movies were. Like that Santa Claus trial scene in “Miracle on 34th Street” where the attorneys agree the United States Post Office is efficient well-run and profitable? That stuff is hilarious.


Do you know why Kris Kringle was on trial on “Miracle on 34th Street”? Santa Clause violated Macy’s sanity clause.


Leeds University is studying lap dancing; guess what they discovered? Guys like beautiful girls gyrating on their laps. Amazing.


Fresno has a new promotional motto: “Be World Class, Be Fresno.” Which is better than their old motto, “Fresno, A Broke-ass Bakersfield.”


A man in England got three years for accidentally killing his wife with the TV remote, personally I thought it should have been justifiable homicide. She asked to switch to “The View.”