Saturday, December 12, 2009

Don’t be hatin’ on the Peyton, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

(My FF team is in the playoffs)

In a “Naughty America” sex video, Tiger Woods girlfriend, Holly Sampson, said “Tiger Woods is the whitest black boy you’ve ever met.” Apparently she has never met Sammy Sosa.

In a “Naughty America” sex video, a topless Tiger Woods girlfriend, Holly Sampson, said she had sex separately with Kevin Costner and Tiger Woods, but only described Costner as well endowed. If he isn’t careful, this whole thing could get embarrassing for Tiger.

Kevin Costner and George Clooney dated two of the girls Tiger Woods dated. And to think it used to be such an honor to play the same hole as Tiger Woods.

This Tiger Woods sex scandal has brought unwanted scrutiny to the PGA. An investigation has revealed the total number of women who have slept with all the other players besides Tiger Woods is, well, zero.

Signs you might be addicted to the Tiger Woods sex scandal:

You installed a ball washer in your bathroom.

You have lengthy arguments with your Tiger puppet driver cover.

You leave yourself voice messages begging yourself to please take the name out of your message.

You start to believe cheating on your hot wife isn’t the stupidest thing you could ever do.

Your wife has taken away your balls too.

Two words: night putting.

Since you asked:

Surprisingly fun night last night staying in. Ate Trader Joe’s slider burgers, which are pretty tasty if you add pickles and ketchup, drank some red wine and watched a very underrated movie: “To Live and Die in L.A.” It marks break out roles for Willem Defoe and William Paterson and features a very young Jane Leeves who went on to be the awesome Daphne Moon in “Frasier” in the role of Defoe’s girlfriend’s girlfriend.

The movie shows great parts of the rarely seen seedy, but really cool locals in Los Angeles. Including one of my favorite places on earth, the beach area in San Pedro.


Couple nights ago we saw "Julie & Julia" (Meryl is amazing, the movie not as much) and it inspired me, on a chilly, rainy day, to make Julia Child's Boeuf Bourguignon. And no I am not gay, not that there is a thing wrong with being it.

So while that is in the oven at 350 for three and a half hours, I am going to run and then workout. What with writing all morning, cooking this afternoon and then running in the cool rain, like the Northeast, I am feeling like a broke-ass version of John Irving.

And then wine, dinner and "Miracle on 34th Street." Need to get in the Christmas spirit so I can get motivated to put lights up tomorrow.

Update: had a great run in the grown of the gathering dark and rain. A glass of wine and the house, with the Boeuf Bourguignon bubbling, smells like heaven. Made a new Christmas playlist including, of course, Joni's "River", Nat's "O Holy Night" and Sarah M's "Silent Night."

God is great, Sabu.

Friday, December 11, 2009

Ying and Yang doggies, Kasey and Wrigley

Make a plan and take a stand, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

The good news for Tom Brady? His wife, Giselle Bunchen just delivered a baby boy; the bad news for Brady? The father is Tiger Woods.

A huge snowstorm has hit the Midwest; there is so much snow in Detroit, the Lions cancelled practice which is shocking. The Lions practice? Since when?

Let’s see who is on top of the Tiger Woods leader board. It’s porn star Joslyn James who is leading the other ten players by a mere 4,232 stokes.

One of Tiger Woods’s girlfriends, Jamiee Grubbs, claims she didn’t know Tiger was married when they had sex. So apparently she was the only person in the country who did not know Tiger was married, besides Tiger.

One of Tiger Woods’s girlfriends, Jaimee Grubbs, claims her relationship with Tiger was sacred. And by sacred she means selling his private text messages to her to the highest bidder.

Health experts say the hottest toy of Christmas, the Zhu Zhu toy hamster, my contain chemicals that could make you ill; in a related story, actor Richard Gere is not feeling very well.

Thursday, December 10, 2009

We can still like and admire this kind of Tiger
Hold that Tiger, hold that Tiger, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers.

Tiger Woods’s girlfriend #1, Rachel Uchitel, told “OK” magazine she is not a whore; she prefers the term professional intercourse consultant.

The list of Tiger Woods’s girlfriends is amazing. It includes porn stars and pancake waitresses. And that is just the P’s.

We got a crashed car, cheating on his wife with slutty cocktail waitresses and porn stars, this isn’t a Tiger Woods sex scandal, it’s a country music song.

It is shameless how companies are trying to cash in on the Tiger Woods sex affair scandal. Have you seen the latest Cadillac commercial? “The new Escalade, now with even enough head room for Tiger Woods.”

Tiger Woods’s caddie, Steve Williams, said his relationship with Tiger is like a marriage. And he is exactly right, while Tiger is out playing around, he’s left holding the bag.

Marketing experts suspect the first sponsor Tiger Woods could lose is Wheaties because of their wholesome image. It’s true, Wheaties dumped swimmer Michael Phelps and he was only loading up from a bong, not unloading on a porn star.

Tiger Woods’s mother-in-law, Barbro Holmberg, was admitted and released from an Orlando hospital for stomach pains. Which is odd because Tiger is now a huge pain in her ass.

Tiger Woods has been linked to his 11th mistress, and his second porn star, Joslyn James, who claims Tiger paid for her liposuction. Which is fair considering what she had to suck out of Tiger

So far the count of women in the Tiger Woods sex affairs is eleven with two porn stars; here’s my question: when the hell did the guy have time to practice golf?

So far the count of women in the Tiger Woods sex affairs is eleven with two porn stars; even NBA players are saying, “Dude, give it a rest.”

Is Tiger Woods on Twitter? The answer is yes and no. Tiger is not on Twitter the networking website, Tiger is on a stripper from Gainesville whose nickname is Twitter.

Gatorade has dropped Tiger Woods. It is the first time somebody has dumped a bucketful of Gatorade endorsements on top of an athletes head.

Since you asked:

The venom towards Tiger Woods from his fellow PGA golfers has been brutal. Ben Crane said if you knew Tiger you weren’t surprised about the affairs and called Tiger a phony and a fake. You thought Tiger kicked these guys butts before?

The venom towards Tiger Woods from his fellow PGA golfers has even been aimed at Tiger’s wife, Elin. One player said Elin married Tiger just for his money and knew he was a cheater, but didn’t really care. Tell that to Tiger’s Escalade back window.

The problem with Tiger Woods is not just that he cheated repeatedly and while his wife was pregnant – and women, including my wife, seem to have had a viscerally furious reaction to that fact – it is the utter hypocrisy in which Tiger knowingly created a false image and then made nearly a billion dollars from us, me and you, with that false image.

It is the same hatred I felt towards those world class hypocrites, Martha Stewart and Steve Garvey. Letterman, for all of his faults, never advertised himself as a saint. A well-respected sports writer I know admires Barry Bonds – a world class jerk – because, as awful as Bonds is to people, he is himself and he is consistent.

Cheating might eventually be forgiven, lying and being an utter hypocrite cannot be forgiven.

Steve Garvey is a human pile of well-manicured fetid pig manure. I’ve met the useless dirtbag a handful of times and I know he is a liar and a business cheat who tries to bang every woman he has ever met and generally has.

Yet the public was delighted to buy Garvey’s phony image as the all American family man right until he got about four different women pregnant at the same time. That hypocrisy is why his teammates hated Garvey so much, and they really hated him, not because he got laid.

Nobody will admit it on the PGA, but if the tour consisted of only guys who have not cheated on their wives, I would make the cut with my plus 32 handicap. Sleeping with different and gorgeous girls is one of the big reasons guys want to be pro athletes and rock stars in the first place.

It is no different for Tiger than it is for anyone else.

The Eagles’ Glenn Frey, a friend of Tiger’s, knows a thing or two about sleeping with a lot of hot women and he has a great line; “The good thing about the truth is you only have to remember one version.”

He should have told Tiger that.

Tiger’s heavily fortified bunker of handlers is well known on tour for not being nice or friendly. Tiger routinely turns down requests from top player in the PGA for autographs to auctioned for charity. Everybody has to play in Tiger’s charity events, but he rarely, if ever, does Tiger return the favor.

Tiger’s wife, Elin, is regularly described on tour with a word that rhymes with ditch - but her neighbors claim she is very sweet, but quiet. His caddy, Steve Williams, is considered the nicest one of the group and, if it weren’t for witnesses on live TV, Williams would put little old ladies in the hospital for looking sideways at Tiger. With Tiger’s blessing, obviously.

All of these ugly scorched-earth tactics are coming home to roost for Tiger and his inner, Hitler-like circle of Vodka-swilling, no-tipping sycophants.

Once at a charity golf tournament, I stood next to the young Tiger Woods before he went pro. He wasn’t famous enough yet to even be hassled by one fan and he struck me as a pleasant enough kid, but a lot like the dork you normally would not want in your fraternity unless he was a famous golfer.

The next time I stood near Tiger was at a Buick golf tournament at Torrey Pines many years, titles and multi millions later. He had changed 180 degrees. Something about Tiger struck me as false as he stood with his chest puffed up refusing to make eye contact with us, the great unwashed. He struck me as a guy playing the role of Tiger Woods to the hilt.

I’ve met some impressive famous athletes, but the most impressive I’ve met were without question, gold medal decathlon winner Rafer Johnson and hockey stud Mark Messier. Both were polite, both were friendly, both were physically imposing, both seemed genuine and honest. Big egos? Sure, but why not? But there was a lot more. These were guys who, in a different place and time, would be war heroes who brave people would follow into battle.

Tiger Woods, as with Bruce Jenner and Steve Garvey, did not strike me as anything like that in the faintest way. All three struck me as posers, their amazing athletic talents aside.

The press and the public can be very wrong about an athlete. During his home run race against Mickey Mantle, Roger Maris was vilified by the press – because he was quiet and didn’t like them – and the public despised him as a result. But Maris’s teammates, including Mantle, loved him. The press may get an athlete wrong, and, thus, so does the public, but athletes simply do not get their fellow athletes wrong.

And yet, when Tiger only had a scant few people he called friends on the tour, and many popular players like Phil Michelson openly hated Tiger, we wrote it off as jealousy.

Sure enough it turns out the players always get it right.

When the whole world was loving Sammy Sosa in the home run race, I knew something was seriously wrong when my favorite player, Mark Grace, despised Sosa. Sure enough, Sosa turned out to be a singularly selfish jerk, a phony, a cheat and a liar.

The players always get it right.

Imagine the animosity that can build when you are being asked endlessly how much you admire the sainted Tiger Woods when you, as a player, knew the sordid truth? It had to make them furious and we are seeing that anger coming out in quotes like Ben Crane who called Tiger a phony and a fake and said everyone on tour knew about Tiger’s misdeeds all along.

And the players are not even giving the real victim, Tiger’s wife, Elin, a pass. Elin has long been rumored to be a “Tell that person not to look me in the eye” ice queen. Now more than a few players have said Elin knew all along what Tiger was doing and she didn’t care as long as the cash came in. That seems a little harsh, but now with the wildly far-reaching extent of these affairs, it’s hard to imagine Elin, who is a smart woman, didn’t have a clue what was going on before it went all Bill Clinton on Tiger’s ass. Make that impossible to imagine.

Believe me, I wish I didn’t, but I know a lot of difficult wives who wield their husband’s success like a sword leaving a wake of bloodied personal trainers, yoga instructors, Latte makers, personal assistants, store clerks and waiters in their horrid wake. It is not pretty and they are universally despised behind their backs.

It now kinda looks like Elin may be one of them. Look at how terrified Tiger was of Elin? Listen to that tape message to Jaime Grubbs. You can absolutely hear the fear of Elin in Tiger’s voice. Turns out, one hospital visit at 3:00 am later, Tiger was right to be afraid.

Listen, I know there are double standards in this world, like Madonna kissing Britney was hot, but Adam Lambert kissing that dude was gross, but how come Elin gets a pass for her rather serious bout of domestic violence? If Tiger had put Elin in the hospital he would rightfully be behind bars.

Since the players turned out to be right about Tiger, we have to now assume they are right about Elin, that she is a scary gold digger in it for the fame and the money. If that is the case, then, yes, she will stay with Tiger, because the fame and the money are still there.

What should Tiger do now? Nothing. It’s too late. If he had spoken right away and come clean and looked honestly remorseful, that would have gone a long way to help his almost totally tarnished image, but he didn’t. Tiger, unlike how he is in golf, simply pussed-out like a sniveling coward.

Tiger and golf fans just simply have to acknowledge the past image of Tiger isn’t dead. In order for something to be dead it had to once be alive. Tiger’s pristine image never really existed in the first place. Face it folks, Tiger duped us all. And, like I said, we are pissed.

Will Tiger ever get past this? Let me ask you this: what do you think of when you hear the name Bill Clinton? Do you think of Clinton’s student loan reform act, or a cute, chubby naive intern on her knees on the Oval office carpet? And that happened more than 12 years ago.

Something in our sports fans collective unconscious wanted to believe the real Tiger was the guy kissing his baby after a win and he was the guy in the picture getting licked by his Labradoodle, Yogi, while holding his gorgeous wife and two adorable children. That’s why we gave a pass to the Tiger who swore like a drunken sailor on live TV and in front of countless children when a shot went slightly askew.

Guess which Tiger we are left with, excuse my preposition? And we are pissed off. We don’t want that Tiger, we want the old one. But the old Tiger was a lie, a ruse.

As great a golfer as he is, and he is the best there ever was - sorry Jack Nicklaus, but we all know it’s true - Tiger isn’t nearly good enough to beat the image of a guy screwing bimbos when his wife was pregnant.

Tiger is kind of like a guy I worked with in New York, we called “Chi Chi” Frank. “Chi Chi” was a jamoke knucklehead, but it turns out, a nice enough guy. But “Chi Chi” Frank got really drunk on a company outing to Atlantic City and threw up on the bus and we had to ride holding our noses for an hour.

“Chi Chi” Frank could have gone on to discover the cure for cancer, and he would be the guy who puked on the bus to Atlantic City who cured cancer.

Tiger Woods could win every major from now until 2015 and he will be the guy who who nailed a bunch of tawdry bimbos when his wife was pregnant and won a bunch of majors.

Wednesday, December 09, 2009

My beloved UC Santa Barbara. It was OK if living in the most beautiful place in the world, dating hot women, windsurfing and going to parties is your idea of a good time.

You best check it, befo’ you get nekked and wreck it, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Arkansas’s Michelle Duggar is pregnant with her 19th child; it’s official, that Tiger Woods is out of control. He needs help.

One of Tiger Woods’s mistresses has taken naked pictures of Tiger and is selling them to “Playgirl.” Not to go into sordid details, but let’s just say in golf terms, Tiger is about a seven and a half iron.

An envelope that was delivered with the first Pony Express in 1860 sold for $500,000. Sadly, it was then promptly lost by the US Postal Service.

An envelope that was delivered with the first Pony Express in 1860 sold for $500,000. For half a million dollars the buyer gets to keep the Rolling Stones tickets in the envelope.

Tiger Woods hasn’t played golf since his car accident, but I get the feeling Tiger won’t be playing golf for a long time. His wife, Elin, won’t give Tiger his balls back.

Tiger Woods’s mother-in-law was rushed from Tiger’s house to the hospital; finally some good news for Tiger.

To review, Tiger Woods hit a fire hydrant and a tree with his car and then passed out asleep on the lawn in his underwear. Or as John Daly calls that, Thursday night.

Tiger Woods’s mother-in-law, Barbro Holmberg, was rushed from Tiger’s house in an ambulance to the hospital at 2:30 am. Luckily for her, Tiger wasn’t driving the ambulance.

Tiger Woods’s wife, Elin, purchased a mansion in Sweden. The good news for Tiger? It’s just a short cab ride from the Stockholm Hooters Restaurant.

The count is eleven women in the Tiger Woods scandal. Who would have ever thought Tiger’s handicap would be eleven?

Since you asked:

Have you seen the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame 25th anniversary concert? U2 blasts into “Gimme Shelter” and out struts the Mickster who is then joined in a duet by Fergie. Slap me Levi Johnston-stupid and call me Susan Sarandon. Snick, dickity duck.

There was some question in this blog a few years ago as to whether Fergie was hot or scary? The verdict is in, in, in. Hot, hot, hot, with a heaping stack of hot with a huge slice of hot pie.

Fergie? In the words of the Ben Stiller “Tropic Thunder” character in a character, i.e. the dude playing the dude playing the dude, Simple Jack:

“She makes my pee-pee maker t-t-t-tingle.”

Here are just a few of the words I like to shout out around the empty house like the annoying adolescent my brain still is:


Ned Doheny

Husker Du

El Duderino, (if you’re not into that whole brevity thing)


Snerkin the Gergin.

Home skillet

Party poodle

Hey now, that’s Hanktastic (Larry Sanders)

Pre-tay, pre-tay, pre-tay good. (“Curb”)

That sounds pretty good (Cartman voice from “South Park”)

I like-a-way you tawwwk (“Sling Blade”)

Beeeeee Baaaahhhhs (How Mick Jagger pronounces babies)

“I know, it sounds . . . curayyyzee.” (My horrible Christopher Walken impression)

Tuesday, December 08, 2009

UCSB, yes, this is where I graduated from college, and no, I am not as dumb as I look.

What, what, what, whup, whup, whup, woot, woot, woot, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

It was cold and rainy. Monday I was shaking like Tiger Woods renegotiating Elin’s prenuptial agreement.

Tiger Woods is renegotiating his wife’s prenuptial agreement. Doesn’t renegotiate the wife’s prenupt sound like some smart-ass married guy’s euphemism for sex? “Yeah, gotta go renegotiate the wife’s prenupt.”

Oprah Winfrey is going to the White House for a Christmas special with the Obamas. It will be an exciting time for both the leader of the free world and most powerful person on the planet. I’m just not sure which one is which?

President Barack Obama met, Sunday, with democratic senators to lobby hard for his health care bill. No word yet on what effect the health care bill would have on the Tiger Woods sex scandal.

Jim Furyk shot a 67 to win the Chevron World Championship, Tiger Woods’s tournament. Would it have killed Furyk to help out a comedy writing brother and shoot a 69?

Now there are seven women and counting in the Tiger Woods sex scandal including a porn star, Holly Sampson. Sampson claims to be a soft porn star. What is soft porn? It’s the equivalent of going to a great steak house and ordering a Jello salad.

Have you seen the path Tiger Woods drove when he crashed his car? He hit a wall, a tree, a fire hydrant, but what was the first thing Tiger hit? You guessed it: Tiger hit a bush.

The movie “Bruno” is out on DVD. Sacha Baron Cohen plays Bruno, a flamboyantly gay fashionista. How flamboyantly gay? Bruno makes Adam Lambert look like Dick Cheney.

Companies are trying to cash in on Tiger Woods; the makers of the car Tiger crashed, Cadillac, has come out with a new model, the Cadillac Transgression: It comes with tree and fire hydrant resistant bumpers and a pair of cocktail waitress panties in the glove compartment.

Since you asked:

Did anyone ever associate the word dumb with Tiger Woods? He looked and sounded all the world like a legitimate Stanford graduate. He had to know if he cheated on his wife with a deaf and blind Moscow hooker in a hotel off of Red Square, she would eventually have gone to the tabloids.

But letting some bimbo take a picture of his six iron? The guy has to be a card-carrying moron. Even if a celebrity tries very hard to be discreet enough to pay professional escorts a lot of money, it can still blow up in their face if the hooker turns on them for money or gets arrested. Look at Charlie Sheen. Tiger was just picking up cheap cocktail waitresses and porn stars. How did he think he wouldn’t get caught?

But take a look at John Edwards, North Carolina Governor Mark Sanford and former New York Governor Elliot Spitzer, just to name three. They aren’t stupid, but they did incredibly stupid things cheating on their wives with other women, even though, in Spitzer’s case, they were hookers.
Apparently having a huge ego combined with nailing hot women can make even smart guys look as stupid as Miss Teen South Carolina discussing maps and education.

Fun Game

A fun game is ranking rock bands. As I have said, there are only three categories of rock: Legends, Great and good, but not Legends, and everyone else.

For example, the Eagles? I have them as legends and having the #1 selling album in America backs that up, but some don't have them as legends. A good example of great but not a Legend? Areosmith. Bruce Springsteen? Legend. Sting. Great, but not a legend.

Steely Dan I consider great, but not a legend. Some would say they make legendary status. Doobie Brothers? Almost as great as it gets before being a legend, but not a legend. No, I changed my mind, the Doobs are a legend. Not bad for a Santa Cruz biker bar band.

For a good example Paul McCartney as a Beatle? No question a legend. Paul McCartney as a solo? Legend. Wings? Third category as everybody else.

Remember, you don't get to chose the legends, history and timing does. If The Doors came out today they would be in the Great category. You might not even like the legends, like some don't like Dylan, Hendrix or Marley, but there is no arguing their legendary status.

Jackson Browne, great, no question, but not a legend. James Taylor and Joni Mitchell? Legends. Jimmy Buffet and Judy Collins? Great, but not legends.

A great example of everyone else? Boston. Kansas. Toto. Marshall Tucker, Foreigner, The Outlaws, Bachman Turner Overdrive,

My new company

Just got off the line from a technical help number and I won't bore you with the usual BS about the one hour holding time and then just getting hung up on. I may have the most brilliant business idea on the planet.


For $20, we fix all of your computer problems over the phone, no holding, no BS. Register online and then call.

Tell our expert technicians what is wrong, they will assess the problem and if they can fix it. Just have your credit card ready, and once the $20 charge clears, our expert software technicians will fix your computer.

"Hello, FoneFx. Uh huh, uh huh. OK, sure, we can fix that. Got your credit card number and expiration? Got it."

"Hmmm, hmm."

"OK, the charge cleared. Now just give me your account password and we can get going. "

"Hmm, no, that isn't it."

"No, that isn't it either."

"Last time before you are locked out."

"Oh, I am so sorry, that isn't it either. Thanks for calling FoneFx."


You got it, there are no passwords on file at FoneFx.

I am going to be rich.

Santa Barbara, a little slice of heaven on earth

She she still got her some rumble in that bumble, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

There was a horse entered in the sixth race at Hollywood Park Friday named Drive-like-Tiger, but it scratched. Drive-Like-Tiger got hurt before the race by a horse named Hits-like-Elin.

Los Angeles Laker Ron Artest used to drink cognac at halftime when he played for the Chicago Bulls; but that was only when they played the LA Clippers so he could play at their level.

Los Angeles Laker Ron Artest used to drink cognac at halftime when he played for the Chicago Bulls; other NBA players refute that saying it is ridiculous, Artest wouldn’t drink cognac during a game, for crying out loud. It was bourbon.

Congratulations to the New Jersey Nets who finally won a game and are 1-18. The Nets tried to celebrate by cutting down the nets, but they kept missing the basket with the ladder.

Apparently the third of seven of Tiger Woods’s paramours, Jamiee Grubbs, has not been at all exclusive with Tiger. Let’s just say Jamiee has had more guys play her’s than the 18th at Pebble Beach.

Apparently the third of seven of Tiger Woods’s paramours, Jamiee Grubbs, has not been exclusive with Tiger. Let’s just say Jamiee is what they call in golf parlance: an easy par 5.

Apparently the third of Tiger Woods’s paramours, Jamiee Grubbs, has quite a record of multiple rich boyfriends and a drug record. To date a class act like her I bet Tiger had to use a real smooth line like; “Do you take credit cards?”

Apparently Tiger Woods’s lovers claim Tiger is quite the Tiger in bed. Let’s just say, in golf parlance, Tiger doesn’t play like he is on the clock and there are no gimmes, he always holes out.

Have you seen the path Tiger Woods drove when he crashed his car? He hit five things in 200 yards, including a wall, a tree and a fire hydrant. And here I thought Tiger was only half Asian.

Have you seen the path Tiger Woods drove when he crashed his car? He hit four things in 200 yards, including a bush, a wall, a tree and a fire hydrant. That South Korean woman who flunked her driver’s test 950 times can drive better than Tiger.

Now it seems an eighth Tiger Woods lover has surfaced. How many strumpets will there eventually be? You guessed it, Tiger likes to play a round of 18.

Have you seen the path Tiger Woods drove when he crashed his car? Here is the list of things Tiger has hit: most greens in regulation, a bush, a wall, a tree, a fire hydrant and at least seven trampy cocktail waitresses.

Paula Abdul wants to host a talk show. I think her first guest should be Ozzie Osbourne. Between the two of them you couldn’t understand the captions. “So, Ozzie, frez bull labbul stinker?” “Well, Paula, snarfin goosle flarkin meisner.”

Monday, December 07, 2009

Hate the game, not the playa, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Tiger Woods’s neighbors report, after his crash, seeing Tiger prone, shoeless and snoring. And they claim alcohol wasn’t involved? Yeah, right, like icebergs had nothing to do with the Titanic.

There is a play in New York called “The Gayest Christmas Pageant Ever” How gay is it? Adam Lambert saw it and now he is against gay marriage.

The Daily Beast reports Tiger Woods and his wife Elin are undergoing counseling. You know what this means? Tiger will soon be entering sex addiction rehabilitation. Good luck with the anonymous part of sexaholics anonymous: “Hello, my name’s Tiger.”

Rumor has it Brad and Angelina’s marriage is in trouble. It’s serious, apparently he is team Jacob, and she it team Edward.

Tiger Woods’s wife, Elin Nordegren, has reportedly been offered $60 million if she’ll stay married to Tiger for two more years. Let me tell you something, guys, if you can’t get a woman to stay married to you for two years for $60 mil? Three words: You breath stink.

Apparently Tiger Woods’s wife, Elin, is still furious, proving that old adage, hell hath no fury like a woman with a 60 degree lob wedge.

(Apologies to “The Simpsons”)
Upon hearing that Tiger Woods was hit with a sand wedge, an open faced club, a confused President George W. Bush said, “How much could an open faced club sandwich hurt?”

So far Tiger Woods’s sponsors are staying with him, but that could change. For example, Tiger could lose American Express but pick up Trojan condoms. The mottos are the same; “Don’t leave home without it.”

Apparently Tiger Woods got quite a beating from his wife, Elin. It was the most pain Tiger has been in since he got drunk and fell off the ball washer.

PETA has asked the University of Georgia to replace their bulldog mascot, Uga, with a robot; thank goodness, for a while there I was starting to worry PETA seemed like a bunch of nut jobs with way too much time on their hands.

There is a play in New York called “The Gayest Christmas Pageant Ever.” To which the offended producers of “Mamma Mia” said; “Oh yeah? Bring it, bitches.”