UCSB, yes, this is where I graduated from college, and no, I am not as dumb as I look.

What, what, what, whup, whup, whup, woot, woot, woot, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers


It was cold and rainy. Monday I was shaking like Tiger Woods renegotiating Elin’s prenuptial agreement.


Tiger Woods is renegotiating his wife’s prenuptial agreement. Doesn’t renegotiate the wife’s prenupt sound like some smart-ass married guy’s euphemism for sex? “Yeah, gotta go renegotiate the wife’s prenupt.”


Oprah Winfrey is going to the White House for a Christmas special with the Obamas. It will be an exciting time for both the leader of the free world and most powerful person on the planet. I’m just not sure which one is which?


President Barack Obama met, Sunday, with democratic senators to lobby hard for his health care bill. No word yet on what effect the health care bill would have on the Tiger Woods sex scandal.


Jim Furyk shot a 67 to win the Chevron World Championship, Tiger Woods’s tournament. Would it have killed Furyk to help out a comedy writing brother and shoot a 69?


Now there are seven women and counting in the Tiger Woods sex scandal including a porn star, Holly Sampson. Sampson claims to be a soft porn star. What is soft porn? It’s the equivalent of going to a great steak house and ordering a Jello salad.


Have you seen the path Tiger Woods drove when he crashed his car? He hit a wall, a tree, a fire hydrant, but what was the first thing Tiger hit? You guessed it: Tiger hit a bush.


The movie “Bruno” is out on DVD. Sacha Baron Cohen plays Bruno, a flamboyantly gay fashionista. How flamboyantly gay? Bruno makes Adam Lambert look like Dick Cheney.



Companies are trying to cash in on Tiger Woods; the makers of the car Tiger crashed, Cadillac, has come out with a new model, the Cadillac Transgression: It comes with tree and fire hydrant resistant bumpers and a pair of cocktail waitress panties in the glove compartment.


Since you asked:

Did anyone ever associate the word dumb with Tiger Woods? He looked and sounded all the world like a legitimate Stanford graduate. He had to know if he cheated on his wife with a deaf and blind Moscow hooker in a hotel off of Red Square, she would eventually have gone to the tabloids.

But letting some bimbo take a picture of his six iron? The guy has to be a card-carrying moron. Even if a celebrity tries very hard to be discreet enough to pay professional escorts a lot of money, it can still blow up in their face if the hooker turns on them for money or gets arrested. Look at Charlie Sheen. Tiger was just picking up cheap cocktail waitresses and porn stars. How did he think he wouldn’t get caught?

But take a look at John Edwards, North Carolina Governor Mark Sanford and former New York Governor Elliot Spitzer, just to name three. They aren’t stupid, but they did incredibly stupid things cheating on their wives with other women, even though, in Spitzer’s case, they were hookers.
Apparently having a huge ego combined with nailing hot women can make even smart guys look as stupid as Miss Teen South Carolina discussing maps and education.


Fun Game

A fun game is ranking rock bands. As I have said, there are only three categories of rock: Legends, Great and good, but not Legends, and everyone else.

For example, the Eagles? I have them as legends and having the #1 selling album in America backs that up, but some don't have them as legends. A good example of great but not a Legend? Areosmith. Bruce Springsteen? Legend. Sting. Great, but not a legend.

Steely Dan I consider great, but not a legend. Some would say they make legendary status. Doobie Brothers? Almost as great as it gets before being a legend, but not a legend. No, I changed my mind, the Doobs are a legend. Not bad for a Santa Cruz biker bar band.

For a good example Paul McCartney as a Beatle? No question a legend. Paul McCartney as a solo? Legend. Wings? Third category as everybody else.

Remember, you don't get to chose the legends, history and timing does. If The Doors came out today they would be in the Great category. You might not even like the legends, like some don't like Dylan, Hendrix or Marley, but there is no arguing their legendary status.

Jackson Browne, great, no question, but not a legend. James Taylor and Joni Mitchell? Legends. Jimmy Buffet and Judy Collins? Great, but not legends.

A great example of everyone else? Boston. Kansas. Toto. Marshall Tucker, Foreigner, The Outlaws, Bachman Turner Overdrive,

My new company

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Click.

You got it, there are no passwords on file at FoneFx.

I am going to be rich.