We can still like and admire this kind of Tiger

Hold that Tiger, hold that Tiger, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers.


Tiger Woods’s girlfriend #1, Rachel Uchitel, told “OK” magazine she is not a whore; she prefers the term professional intercourse consultant.

The list of Tiger Woods’s girlfriends is amazing. It includes porn stars and pancake waitresses. And that is just the P’s.

We got a crashed car, cheating on his wife with slutty cocktail waitresses and porn stars, this isn’t a Tiger Woods sex scandal, it’s a country music song.

It is shameless how companies are trying to cash in on the Tiger Woods sex affair scandal. Have you seen the latest Cadillac commercial? “The new Escalade, now with even enough head room for Tiger Woods.”

Tiger Woods’s caddie, Steve Williams, said his relationship with Tiger is like a marriage. And he is exactly right, while Tiger is out playing around, he’s left holding the bag.

Marketing experts suspect the first sponsor Tiger Woods could lose is Wheaties because of their wholesome image. It’s true, Wheaties dumped swimmer Michael Phelps and he was only loading up from a bong, not unloading on a porn star.

Tiger Woods’s mother-in-law, Barbro Holmberg, was admitted and released from an Orlando hospital for stomach pains. Which is odd because Tiger is now a huge pain in her ass.

Tiger Woods has been linked to his 11th mistress, and his second porn star, Joslyn James, who claims Tiger paid for her liposuction. Which is fair considering what she had to suck out of Tiger

So far the count of women in the Tiger Woods sex affairs is eleven with two porn stars; here’s my question: when the hell did the guy have time to practice golf?

So far the count of women in the Tiger Woods sex affairs is eleven with two porn stars; even NBA players are saying, “Dude, give it a rest.”

Is Tiger Woods on Twitter? The answer is yes and no. Tiger is not on Twitter the networking website, Tiger is on a stripper from Gainesville whose nickname is Twitter.

Gatorade has dropped Tiger Woods. It is the first time somebody has dumped a bucketful of Gatorade endorsements on top of an athletes head.



Since you asked:

The venom towards Tiger Woods from his fellow PGA golfers has been brutal. Ben Crane said if you knew Tiger you weren’t surprised about the affairs and called Tiger a phony and a fake. You thought Tiger kicked these guys butts before?

The venom towards Tiger Woods from his fellow PGA golfers has even been aimed at Tiger’s wife, Elin. One player said Elin married Tiger just for his money and knew he was a cheater, but didn’t really care. Tell that to Tiger’s Escalade back window.

The problem with Tiger Woods is not just that he cheated repeatedly and while his wife was pregnant – and women, including my wife, seem to have had a viscerally furious reaction to that fact – it is the utter hypocrisy in which Tiger knowingly created a false image and then made nearly a billion dollars from us, me and you, with that false image.

It is the same hatred I felt towards those world class hypocrites, Martha Stewart and Steve Garvey. Letterman, for all of his faults, never advertised himself as a saint. A well-respected sports writer I know admires Barry Bonds – a world class jerk – because, as awful as Bonds is to people, he is himself and he is consistent.

Cheating might eventually be forgiven, lying and being an utter hypocrite cannot be forgiven.

Steve Garvey is a human pile of well-manicured fetid pig manure. I’ve met the useless dirtbag a handful of times and I know he is a liar and a business cheat who tries to bang every woman he has ever met and generally has.

Yet the public was delighted to buy Garvey’s phony image as the all American family man right until he got about four different women pregnant at the same time. That hypocrisy is why his teammates hated Garvey so much, and they really hated him, not because he got laid.

Nobody will admit it on the PGA, but if the tour consisted of only guys who have not cheated on their wives, I would make the cut with my plus 32 handicap. Sleeping with different and gorgeous girls is one of the big reasons guys want to be pro athletes and rock stars in the first place.

It is no different for Tiger than it is for anyone else.

The Eagles’ Glenn Frey, a friend of Tiger’s, knows a thing or two about sleeping with a lot of hot women and he has a great line; “The good thing about the truth is you only have to remember one version.”

He should have told Tiger that.

Tiger’s heavily fortified bunker of handlers is well known on tour for not being nice or friendly. Tiger routinely turns down requests from top player in the PGA for autographs to auctioned for charity. Everybody has to play in Tiger’s charity events, but he rarely, if ever, does Tiger return the favor.

Tiger’s wife, Elin, is regularly described on tour with a word that rhymes with ditch - but her neighbors claim she is very sweet, but quiet. His caddy, Steve Williams, is considered the nicest one of the group and, if it weren’t for witnesses on live TV, Williams would put little old ladies in the hospital for looking sideways at Tiger. With Tiger’s blessing, obviously.

All of these ugly scorched-earth tactics are coming home to roost for Tiger and his inner, Hitler-like circle of Vodka-swilling, no-tipping sycophants.

Once at a charity golf tournament, I stood next to the young Tiger Woods before he went pro. He wasn’t famous enough yet to even be hassled by one fan and he struck me as a pleasant enough kid, but a lot like the dork you normally would not want in your fraternity unless he was a famous golfer.

The next time I stood near Tiger was at a Buick golf tournament at Torrey Pines many years, titles and multi millions later. He had changed 180 degrees. Something about Tiger struck me as false as he stood with his chest puffed up refusing to make eye contact with us, the great unwashed. He struck me as a guy playing the role of Tiger Woods to the hilt.

I’ve met some impressive famous athletes, but the most impressive I’ve met were without question, gold medal decathlon winner Rafer Johnson and hockey stud Mark Messier. Both were polite, both were friendly, both were physically imposing, both seemed genuine and honest. Big egos? Sure, but why not? But there was a lot more. These were guys who, in a different place and time, would be war heroes who brave people would follow into battle.

Tiger Woods, as with Bruce Jenner and Steve Garvey, did not strike me as anything like that in the faintest way. All three struck me as posers, their amazing athletic talents aside.

The press and the public can be very wrong about an athlete. During his home run race against Mickey Mantle, Roger Maris was vilified by the press – because he was quiet and didn’t like them – and the public despised him as a result. But Maris’s teammates, including Mantle, loved him. The press may get an athlete wrong, and, thus, so does the public, but athletes simply do not get their fellow athletes wrong.

And yet, when Tiger only had a scant few people he called friends on the tour, and many popular players like Phil Michelson openly hated Tiger, we wrote it off as jealousy.

Sure enough it turns out the players always get it right.

When the whole world was loving Sammy Sosa in the home run race, I knew something was seriously wrong when my favorite player, Mark Grace, despised Sosa. Sure enough, Sosa turned out to be a singularly selfish jerk, a phony, a cheat and a liar.

The players always get it right.

Imagine the animosity that can build when you are being asked endlessly how much you admire the sainted Tiger Woods when you, as a player, knew the sordid truth? It had to make them furious and we are seeing that anger coming out in quotes like Ben Crane who called Tiger a phony and a fake and said everyone on tour knew about Tiger’s misdeeds all along.

And the players are not even giving the real victim, Tiger’s wife, Elin, a pass. Elin has long been rumored to be a “Tell that person not to look me in the eye” ice queen. Now more than a few players have said Elin knew all along what Tiger was doing and she didn’t care as long as the cash came in. That seems a little harsh, but now with the wildly far-reaching extent of these affairs, it’s hard to imagine Elin, who is a smart woman, didn’t have a clue what was going on before it went all Bill Clinton on Tiger’s ass. Make that impossible to imagine.

Believe me, I wish I didn’t, but I know a lot of difficult wives who wield their husband’s success like a sword leaving a wake of bloodied personal trainers, yoga instructors, Latte makers, personal assistants, store clerks and waiters in their horrid wake. It is not pretty and they are universally despised behind their backs.

It now kinda looks like Elin may be one of them. Look at how terrified Tiger was of Elin? Listen to that tape message to Jaime Grubbs. You can absolutely hear the fear of Elin in Tiger’s voice. Turns out, one hospital visit at 3:00 am later, Tiger was right to be afraid.

Listen, I know there are double standards in this world, like Madonna kissing Britney was hot, but Adam Lambert kissing that dude was gross, but how come Elin gets a pass for her rather serious bout of domestic violence? If Tiger had put Elin in the hospital he would rightfully be behind bars.

Since the players turned out to be right about Tiger, we have to now assume they are right about Elin, that she is a scary gold digger in it for the fame and the money. If that is the case, then, yes, she will stay with Tiger, because the fame and the money are still there.

What should Tiger do now? Nothing. It’s too late. If he had spoken right away and come clean and looked honestly remorseful, that would have gone a long way to help his almost totally tarnished image, but he didn’t. Tiger, unlike how he is in golf, simply pussed-out like a sniveling coward.

Tiger and golf fans just simply have to acknowledge the past image of Tiger isn’t dead. In order for something to be dead it had to once be alive. Tiger’s pristine image never really existed in the first place. Face it folks, Tiger duped us all. And, like I said, we are pissed.

Will Tiger ever get past this? Let me ask you this: what do you think of when you hear the name Bill Clinton? Do you think of Clinton’s student loan reform act, or a cute, chubby naive intern on her knees on the Oval office carpet? And that happened more than 12 years ago.

Something in our sports fans collective unconscious wanted to believe the real Tiger was the guy kissing his baby after a win and he was the guy in the picture getting licked by his Labradoodle, Yogi, while holding his gorgeous wife and two adorable children. That’s why we gave a pass to the Tiger who swore like a drunken sailor on live TV and in front of countless children when a shot went slightly askew.

Guess which Tiger we are left with, excuse my preposition? And we are pissed off. We don’t want that Tiger, we want the old one. But the old Tiger was a lie, a ruse.

As great a golfer as he is, and he is the best there ever was - sorry Jack Nicklaus, but we all know it’s true - Tiger isn’t nearly good enough to beat the image of a guy screwing bimbos when his wife was pregnant.

Tiger is kind of like a guy I worked with in New York, we called “Chi Chi” Frank. “Chi Chi” was a jamoke knucklehead, but it turns out, a nice enough guy. But “Chi Chi” Frank got really drunk on a company outing to Atlantic City and threw up on the bus and we had to ride holding our noses for an hour.

“Chi Chi” Frank could have gone on to discover the cure for cancer, and he would be the guy who puked on the bus to Atlantic City who cured cancer.

Tiger Woods could win every major from now until 2015 and he will be the guy who who nailed a bunch of tawdry bimbos when his wife was pregnant and won a bunch of majors.