Saturday, November 21, 2009

Is this real life, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers?

Jennifer Lopez is suing her ex-husband for threatening to release a sex tape. J. Lo is very embarrassed about this sex tape, apparently in it she makes a huge ass of herself.

Former vice presidential candidate, Sarah Palin, is promoting her book, “Going Rogue.” Don’t confuse this with the current vice president, Joe Biden’s book: “Going Rogaine.”

The NFL fined Tennessee Titans owner Bud Adams $250,000 for giving the finger to Buffalo Bills fans; wow, $250,000 for giving someone the finger. This just in: Carrie Prejean owes herself ten billion dollars.

Sarah Palin is hawking her new book, “Going Rogue.” Is it just me or does going rogue sound like someone who has given up on their body hair landscaping?

Levi Johnston says he is getting career advice from Jon Gosselin; in a related story, this information alone was responsible for creating 500 new American-hating terrorists.

Former imprisoned dog fighter Philadelphia Eagle Michael Vick is averaging 2.3 yard rushing and has completed 2 out 10 passes. How great is it that Vick’s past is dogging him?

“Star Trek” is out on DVD. It is really realistic, especially that scene where they are flying to an alien planet, but the pilots were drunk and fell asleep and missed it by 180 miles.

Sarah Palin is hawking her new book, “Going Rogue.” Doesn’t going rogue sound like a French term for not shaving body hair? “My woman does not have zee hairy armpits, she eez going rogue, nes pas?”

President Obama is in China. Obama was going to tour a lead factory, but it was contaminated with plastic dolls.

The San Diego Zoo has named their baby panda Yun Zi; Yun Zi is an ancient Chinese name that, roughly translated, means: Tourist Crack.

Since you asked:
So I went out for a great run on a beautiful afternoon. When I get back, not one e-mail, not one text message, no cell phone calls, nobody asked to be my Facebook friend, nobody decided to follow me on Twitter.

OK, I get it, digital Internet people: you hate me, you really hate me.

Friday, November 20, 2009

I'm just sayin' I'm just sayin' I'm just sayin'

Sarah Palin’s daughter’s baby-daddy, Levi Johnston, is posing for “Playgirl” but he says he won’t do frontal nudity; that means he’ll take of his Levis but you won’t see his Johnston.

Twenty more sex tapes of former Miss California, Carrie Prejean have emerged all solo; she has made so many solo sex tape, she has hurt herself. You’ve heard of carpel tunnel syndrome? Prejean has carpet tunnel syndrome.

Since you asked:

Rationally I know it's not her fault, in fact, she probably hates it more than I do, but some dark, ugly side of me wants to blame all the hype and over-advertising about "New Moon" on that smug, bratty unappreciative Kristen Stewart.

The next time Kristen Stewart complains about being bothered by fans, somebody needs to say:

"Hey, Kristen, see all those zeros in your bank account? You know, so how you can buy all those ugly ass faux punk clothes at expensive second-hand clothing stores on Melrose? Those fans put that money there, you little brooding spoiled bitch."

Phew, I really feel better now.

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

This beautiful specimen is what I turned into an Argentine grill
Like this here

Oh, snap pop ditty, no he di’ . . .’nt, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

At a concert in Detroit, Bruce Springsteen repeatedly yelled “Hello Ohio.” Upon hearing this, Sarah Palin said; “Silly Bruce, everyone knows Detroit is a completely different state than Ohio.”

Australian scientists claim they have a way to naturally make women’s breasts more appealing to men. It’s called: more beer.

On “MNF” the Cleveland Browns lost to the Baltimore Ravens 16-0; I haven’t seen a match up this enthralling since what’s-that-city-whosey-names beat the other-place-what-do-you-call- thems something to nothing.

President Barack Obama is getting criticism from republicans for bowing to the Japanese emperor. Republicans prefer the old school diplomacy where President Bush senior threw up on the Japanese.

Terry Bradshaw said if there is one thing that is certain in life the Cincinnati Bengals do not beat the Steelers in Pittsburgh. Cincinnati won 18-12. As prognosticators go, Bradshaw is one hell of a hair grower. But I am not worried about retribution since Bradshaw thinks a prognosticator is the tool a proctologist uses for colonoscopies.

Carrie Prejean wrote a book “Still Standing.” Carrie Prejean, was fired by Miss California for not doing her job, she blamed topless photos of herself on the wind and she blamed several sex tapes on her ex-boyfriend. So what’s the book about? Taking responsibility.

In London a United Airlines pilot was kicked off his flight because he was too drunk to fly; they suspected he was drunk when he got excited when he found out the in-flight movie was “Paul Blart Mall Cop.”

Seven more solo sex tapes made by former Miss California, Carrie Prejean, have emerged. Apparently Prejean is a French word that means: hand jive.

Tonight’s “Monday Night Football” has the Baltimore Ravens against the Cleveland Browns. I don’t want to say the 1-8 Browns are bad, but their receivers don’t use their hands as much as Carrie Prejean.

Ashlee Simpson is going to be in “Chicago” on Broadway; this will allow Ashlee to take her inability to act and combine it with her inability to dance and sing.

At a concert in Detroit, Bruce Springsteen repeatedly yelled “Hello Ohio.” Bruce is not a spring chicken, for example, due to his age, Bruce’s songs “Hungry Heart” and “Dancing in the Dark” have changed to “Hungry Heartburn” and “Peeing in the Dark.”

Lex’s Flank Steak Sandwich recipe:

Sautee sliced sweet onions until caramelized golden brown.

Marinate flank steak in olive oil for at least one hour.

Slice tomatoes very thin.

Get French bread sandwich rolls.

Mix mayonnaise, ketchup and a dollop of mustard in a bowl. (Goop)

Soak mesquite wood chips and put them in a metal smoker

Prepare to turn your gas grill into an Argentine hardwood fire grill. (See above) Turn on far right gas grill burner to high, middle one medium, left one off (My grill has a infrared searing panel so it gets even hotter) Place smoker on far right of grill against the wall.

When the smoker is slightly smoking, place flank steak on far left side of grill over burner that is off. Ten minutes, flip it and pour olive oil it was marinating over the flank steak and salt it liberally with sea salt. Ten minutes, Now turn the left burner to low. Do this again.

As the steak starts to go from mushy to spongy to almost done, place it right over the hot right grill and sear for three minutes a side (flipping 90 degrees for cross grill marks) Whole steak should take about 30 minutes or a little more. (Time varies on how hot the grill)

Remove steak, drizzle with more olive oil, a tad more salt, tent loosely with tin foil. (Ten minutes)

Grill French rolls until toasty with grill marks.

Slice flank steak very thinly against the grain and on a bias.

Slather goop (mayo, ketchup and mustard) on the inside of the French roll, add sliced tomatoes, grilled onions and place the steak slices length-wise on the roll. Don't be stingy.

Devour with goblets full of a rich, good red wine.

Send me a check for $500, because I should be getting paid for these mother-humping chestnuts, yo Home Skippy.

Have you ever grilled peaches and bananas over hardwood for a grilled banana split? Then tear up your birth certificate, Slateenos and Nuggliests, because you have not lived.

If I may paraphrase Winston Churchill, never, in the history of human endeavor, have so many hated so many famous celebrities.

Here is the list of famous celebrities who right-thinking people despise, but whom they honestly believe they are beloved by all:

Brody Jenner

All the Kardashians

Paris Hilton

Lindsay Lohan


Spencer Pratt

Heidi Montag

Heidi Montag

Spencer Pratt

Andy Dick

Simon Cowell

Kevin Federline

Ashlee Simpson

Sarah Palin (Oh, come on, after what she did to McCain even republicans hate her now)

Levi Johnston

Rev. Al Sharpton

Rev. Jesse Jackson

Gloria Allred

John Edwards

Mark Sanford

Rod Blagojevich

Mrs. Blagojevich

Carrie Prejean

Jon and Kate Gosselin

The Octomom

Dr. Phil

Roseanne Barr

Rosie O'Donnell

Donald Trump

Tom Arnold

The Jonas Brothers

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

The Dude abides, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Seven more solo sex tapes made by former Miss California, Carrie Prejean, have emerged. Boy, you’ve got to hand it to Carrie, she sure as hell does.

Did you see how confused Larry King was when Carrie Prejean got furious when he asked her questions? Larry hasn’t been that confused since he interviewed John Adams thinking it was Sam Adams.

Carrie Prejean says there is nothing wrong with Christians getting breast implants. You know the part of the bible called the book of Deuteronomy? The passage about implants is in the book of Hooteronomy.

Seven more sex tapes made by former Miss California, Carrie Prejean, have emerged. There is something really odd about her sex tapes, I just can’t put my finger on it.

Seven more sex tapes made by former Miss California, Carrie Prejean, have emerged. Apparently Prejean is a French word that means: own best friend.

Hooker-hiring disgraced ex-New York Governor, Elliot Spitzer, is teaching an ethics class at Harvard. Its right down the hall from Donald Trump’s class on hair care.

Have you seen the Carrie Prejean “Larry King Live” interview? Prejean called Larry’s question inappropriate. Larry King hasn’t been inappropriate since he went to Thomas Jefferson’s inauguration without a powdered wig.

Carrie Prejean called Larry King’s questions inappropriate. Apparently Prejean is also the only person in the country who doesn’t know Larry King takes caller’s questions and she got mad. “Hello Poughkeepsie do you have a question for this bimbo.” Now that’s inappropriate.

Seven more sex tapes made by former Miss California, Carrie Prejean, have emerged; apparently Carrie Prejean has some experience in the Mexican food service area, ‘cause this girl knows how to fix a taco.

Seven more solo sex tapes made by former Miss California, Carrie Prejean, have emerged. This girl flies solo more than Charles Lindberg did.

President Barack Obama is in China. In the time it took to tell that, Carrie Prejean has come out with three more sex tapes.

Since you asked:

It takes a really big man to come out and admit when he was wrong, so I am not going to do that.

But I will admit I am going to pump the brakes a bit on my criticism of the two Taylors, Swift and “New Moon” Lautner. The first Taylor charmed on her monologue song and showed some comedy chops on “SNL.”

The second Taylor turns out is a Marshall arts champ who could kick my narrow tuchus, and he threw a tight spiral to Jerry Rice on “The Jay Leno Show” something Robert Pattinson could not do if he tried until Kristen what’s her name is in menopause. Stewart.

Monday, November 16, 2009

This is my go-to home field SUP surf spot, Torrey Pines

El Duderino if you're not into that whole brevity thing, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

A Florida man is in jail after being arrested for calling 911 and asking for sex. Sure, call him crazy, but now he is in jail, he is going to have all the sex he can handle. Who’s crazy now?

You’ve probably seen the footage of the drunk Bostonian who falls on the subway tracks, but just avoids getting hit? Turns out it was a United Airlines pilot on his way to the airport.

The Balloon boy’s parents will be sentenced to probation today and remember the crazy lady astronaut who drove across country in a diaper and attacked a woman astronaut? She’s on probation. I guess the only way to get sent to jail these days is to call 911 and ask for sex.

A Florida man is in jail after being arrested for calling 911 and asking for sex. Call him crazy, but it worked, he’s screwed now.

Sammy Sosa has become white due to chemical peel procedures; to give you an idea how white Sosa is now, Sammy watched the entire broadcast of “The Country Music Awards.”

In New York they are auctioning off items of $60 billion scammer Bernie Madoff including a New York Mets jacket with Madoff’s name on the back. Or as they call a Mets Madoff jacket in Chicago, an; “I want strangers to kill me” jacket.

The movie “Precious” is about a morbidly obese illiterate 16-year-old girl who is sexually abused by her drug addict father and mentally and physically abused by her bitter welfare mother. This is the movie for those who think skyrocketing unemployment, swine flu and two wars in the Middle East are not quite depressing enough.

Congratulations to Darius Rucker, former Hootie and the Blowfish front man, for being the first African American to win the Country Music Award’s New Artist of the Year. When asked to comment, one country music fan said; “That’s great. Wait. What’s an African American?”

Congratulations to Darius Rucker, former Hootie and the Blowfish front man, for being the first African American to win the Country Music Award’s New Artist of the Year. There was an awkward moment when Willy Nelson interrupted Darius to say Taylor Swift should have won.

While promoting the new “Twilight” vampire movie, actress Kristen Stewart tells interviewers how much she hates being famous. Maybe being a movie star isn’t the ideal occupation for her. How about a job at Starbucks? Then you are guaranteed not to be famous.