Friday, July 10, 2009

My board is the one on the far right. Groucho the Gaucho.
This just in:

A woman is suing a hotel because she claims her teenage daughter got pregnant from the pool; but to be fair, they don't have a lot of pools in Alaska, so Sarah Palin might be confused.

Thanks D.M.

President Obama's diplomatic trip to Russia went well. Of course it's not a tough act to follow when the guy before you thought Moscow was a type of cattle. And he couldn't stop giggling whenever anyone said "Putin."

In Illinois, four people have been arrested for digging up corpses and then selling the empty cemetery plots. They got the idea from watching the Washington Nationals at the trade deadline.

Since you asked:

You know what you don't want on Twitter and Facebook? You don't want to follow people who are really, really poor, but especially really, really rich. The poor isn't as much of a problem because they don't have computers and, if they do, they don't have the time to be on facebook.

But the really rich are even more depressing. I write that I am all excited about grilling some ribs and watching the Cubs after surfing and they talk about flying out to Cannes and having dinner with the Prince of Monaco.

There is this one woman I am friends with on facebook from college who apparently married into near European royalty. She posts are things like;

"We flew to Stockholm and picked out a really great new polo pony. We're going to name him Lars."


"This is the 45-foot yacht we keep in Japan, we named it: Dingy II ."

Or how about;

"Today we flew to the Bahamas to pick up the kids from camp."

I pick up the kid from camp at the elementary school. I'm pretty sure it's not in the Bahamas.

No lie, I wrote about my awesome mountain bike ride in the beautiful rockies, but I fell right on river boulders/rocks. She comments she was on their Hummer going through the Swiss Alps and they had a flat.

Yeah, almost the exact same thing.

We gonna Sarah Palin by failin' to stay in what we're a sayin', Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Two airlines are considering charging passengers to stand during the flight, and then they'll fine them for not wearing a seat belt.

Next airlines will charge a seat belt buckling instructional lesson tuition, a beverage cart knee-cap massage charge, and a useless captain landmark information consultant fee.

Now if the airlines could just figure out how milk money out of our hatred for all airlines executives, they would have something.

Paris Hilton is in court in Los Angeles in a lawsuit for not promoting her movie. Not sure about this. The reason the movie didn't do well isn't because Paris didn't promote it, it was because Paris was in it in the first place.

Dogs are being trained to sniff out medical problems, like diabetes and skin cancer. That's odd, because the dogs I know seem to be trained to sniff out hemorrhoids.

There is a picture at the G-8 conference that nails President Barack Obama and French President Nicolas Sarkozy happily checking out the shapely backside of a young, pretty girl. In their defense, both leaders claim it merely reminded them to come up with a firm stimulus package.

Since you asked:

Might have come up with something last night. Marinated the shrimp in the usual olive oil and Old Bay seasoning. Grilled on soaked bamboo skewers with pineapple chunks.

Lex's Yum Yum sauce:

Mix a big tablespoon scoop of mayo, a good splash of rice vinegar, a smaller dollop of soft butter, a good couple tablespoons of honey, strong dash of garlic powder and smoked paprika and Old Bay, and a squeeze of lime juice. Mix. Should be pink.

2 to 1, cups chicken broth and rice in the rice cooker. Chop parsley.

On a bed of rice sprinkle on the chopped grilled pineapple, place on the shrimp and then lightly drizzle the Yum Yum sauce and "bam" with chopped parsley.

Tall cold glass of Chardonnay and you failin' to be like Palin 'cause you whalin' and sailin' on the . . . oh, you got the idea.

Sacha Baron Cohen

For me, there were distinct stages of "getting" Sacha Baron Cohen's comedy characters. Stage 1 was figuring out Ali G wasn't a real guy, it was a cartoonish character. Stage 2 was realizing Cohen wasn't making fun of the type of character, in Ali G's case a moronic Muslim/Raggae/Wanna-be-Rapper, Cohen was, stage 3, making fun of the people who believed such an idiot could exist in the first place and then, a, sucking up to him or patronizing, or b, getting furious and hating him. Either way, the result is hilarious.

The only un-funny reaction is if and when somebody gets it's a prank, then the joke is over. That is why SBC has had to retire the characters Ali G and Borat.

What the what the what the?

So my longtime a.L.b.b. readers - all four of them - are asking;

Lex, what the what the what the? All this time you have postured that you were keeping your blog old school. You said it was an intentional ironic statement to have a blog with just words and no gadgets. The anti technology technology, just content.

(So?) Lex

What the hell is with the pictures?

Oh, the pictures. Well, after long consideration I decided that newspapers have been using pictures since the 1800's so, it isn't all that high tech. It gives my readers - all ten of them - something new and different to look at. And I am keeping the photos to a minimum.

Plus I just figured out how to upload them . . .

Thursday, July 09, 2009

Ann Caroline at Christmas. It's a little fuzzy.
It was embarrassing, the "Where are they now?" issue of "Sports Illustrated" is out and it features the 2009 Washington Nationals.

Have you seen the Evian rollerblading babies commercial? It is so funny and cute it made Manny Rameriz's water break.

They say Evian is naive spelled backwards, but I don't believe that. But I do know those were some amazingly talented rollerblading babies. How did they get so good?

A Frenchman, Thomas Voeckler, won the fifth stage of the Tour De France in a tight battle; this is also the first time the words Frenchman won and battle have appeared together.

Joey Chestnut won the Fourth of July Nathan's Hot Dog Eating Contest with a record 68 in ten minutes; Chestnut also set a record this week for most plumbing emergencies.

Oscar Mayor died this week at 95. Sadly, we'll never know why bologna is pronounced below knee. Which reminds me, I have to record this week's HBO segment of "Hung."

Since you asked:

You can go ahead and continue to eat steak sandwiches if you want, but do so knowing full well that the best steak sandwich ever made and eaten was done by both by your blogging pal Lexter.

Get nice French bread sandwich rolls. Marinate the flank steak in red wine. Drain the wine marinade and add dollop of ketchup, soy sauce and garlic powder, boil and then slowly reduce to half or less. Saute onions until brown.

Grill steak with hot lump coals with indirect heat for 24 minutes apply sea salt. Finish right over the coals two minutes per side.

Slather the flank steak in olive oil, add more salt and let it rest with tin foil tent. Brown the bun on the grill.

Add mayo to both sides of bun, thinly sliced steak, wine sauce, thinly sliced tomatoes and the onions.

Red table wine and a game on HD and Bob is your frickin' Uncle.

Lex's new drink of choice? Got it from no less than Jimmy Buffet in "Men's Journal" magazine.

Mont Gay rum over the rocks with coconut water* and a squeeze of lime. Damn. So tasty and no hangover. How do you beat that? Answer? You don't. Not with a stick.

(*Coconut water, not coconut milk. Twice the potassium of a banana)

Wednesday, July 08, 2009

Our relatively new barbeque island, arr, arr, arr, arr.

Now, I don't want to say Sarah Palin's resignation speech was Nixon-like, but the only thing that was missing was her telling the press they won't have Sarah Palin to kick around anymore.

Iran is trying to lure American tourists. Not sure about their slogan, though: "Be the first to tell your friends you went to Iran and didn't get kidnapped."

Iran is trying to lure American tourists. The first day's itinerary is pretty fun. There is the Death to America Happy Hour, followed by the Infidel Pig Roast ending with a campfire where they roast smores and burn Dick Cheney in effigy.

Michael Jackson's funeral is the day before Oscar Mayer dies, and I'm the bad guy if I make wiener jokes?

When did Queen Latifa turn into Janet Jackson on steroids?

Due to a few Mont Gay Rum's, coconut water and lime, I was a little fuzzy. Was that Queen Latifa on "Letterman" or has Janet Jackson gone on steroids?

Brett Favre has placed a deposit on a condo in Minnesota. Would someone please tell Brett that if he wants a jersey with his name from every team in the NFL, he can buy them online, he doesn't have to join each team.

We flat jam skippy up in here, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

After serving his suspension for taking female hormones, Manny Rameriz was tossed from a game for throwing down his elbow pad. It didn't help when Manny also threw down his pantie shield.

Joey Chestnut won the Nathan's Fourth of July hot dog eating contest with a record 68 in ten minutes. The guy couldn't help a comedy writer and down one more? But, to be fair, it takes two to eat 69.

Oscar Mayer passed at 95 yesterday. Sadly, he carries to his grave the reason b.o.l.o.g.n.a is pronounced bahlownie. He gave bologna a first and last name long before Joe Biden.

"American Idol" judge Kara Dioguardi got married, Saturday. It was nice, Paula Abdul gave a toast that was closed captioned for the slurring impaired.

Sarah Palin went to go fishing today, but she quit halfway through before she caught anything.

I've noticed on Twitter and Facebook there is a lot of Tweeting their own horn and facebragging going on. Lots of "My kid scored the winning run" not a lot of "My credit card got declined at Costco. Damn, I needed that Preparation H and Ammodium AD."

Oscar Mayer passed at 95. OK, let's get this over with. While his competition brutwurst meat products to the market, Oscar Mayer was a true wiener, frankly, his rivals could never mustard the courage to ketchup.
This handsome boy is none other than Wrigley Telluride Kaseberg.

Tuesday, July 07, 2009

This just in:

Did you see Sarah Palin's resignation speech? No idea that woman was so talented. Sarah Palin actually imitated Tina Fey imitating Sarah Palin. It was uncanny.

How does that work? One day you're running the state, the most powerful person in Alaska - thanks to the people who voted you in - and the next day you say, "Nah, I don't want to do this anymore." What Sarah should have done to blow off some steam is take off to Argentina to hike that ol' Appalachian pass, if you know what I mean.

South Carolina Gov. Mark Sanford said his Argentina girlfriend, Maria, was his soul mate, but he was going to try and make things work with his wife. Women love that. It's like striking out with the hot babe at a bar and then telling the girl next to her; "What the hell? You'll do."

South Carolina Gov. Mark Sanford said his Argentina girlfriend, Maria, was his soul mate, but he was going to try and fall in love with his wife again. Oh my god, this guy actually says stupider crap than Joe Biden. For the love of god, Sanford, shut up!

Sarah Palin quit, Mark Sanford ran off to play Argentine slap and tickle and Elliot Spitzer liked him his whores. Its a sad day when our country's most competent governor is a muscle-headed lousy actor who can barely speak English.

Not to say the republican party is in trouble, but the Washington Nationals baseball team is telling republican jokes.

G-Dawg Money gettin' allllllll like that, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Environmentalists say getting naked for hours each day will help fight global warming; at least that is what the environmentalists are telling their hot co-workers.

This is especially bad news for the viewers of "The Dr. Phil Show."

Lance Armstrong is in the Tour De France after fathering a child, Will, with his girlfriend, Anna Hanson, after losing a testicle to cancer. How on earth did Viagra miss this dream tie-in endorsement?

A pending law would put guns in Arizona bars. Normally packing a gun is dangerous, but the risks are minimal thanks to the calming and sensible effects of alcohol.

This is the worst idea since they put a pharmacy backstage at an Amy Winehouse concert.

This bill is known as the Pouring Gas On a Fire proposal. Say what you want, but it is one way to cut down the number of alcoholics in Arizona.

After being evicted from her Manhattan penthouse by the FBI, the lovable, Ruth Madoff, tried to sneak back in to grab a fur coat; oh my word, Ruth thought she was in trouble with the IRS and FBI? Wait until PETA gets after her evil-witch ugly behind.

My favorite President Obama sound bite from his trip to Russia?

"Stop kissing me, you can thank me for leaving Biden behind later."

Many Washington State football players are in trouble with the law; it was awkward when they asked one player why there were so many recidivists on the team, he said; "Beats me, I'm protestant."

The Jackson family is furious with the exploitation of Michael Jackson. In fact, they were so upset at the exploitation they had to stop rehearsing for the "If You Really Loved Michael Jackson, Come See Tito and Latoya" world tour.

Sarah Palin resigned as Governor of Alaska; she didn't really have any choice, she was shirking her duties when she accidentally posed topless while condemning gay marriage.

In an interview with "Runner's World" Sarah Palin bragged she could beat Barack Obama in a road race. Now we know she would quit halfway.

Since you asked:

The ranch outside of Leadville, Pine Creek, was amazing. Beautiful green mountains and a gorgeous and overflowing waterfall creek. The air is so clean you can taste the pine trees and sage. We took a hike and found parts of arrowheads. On the property is a cabin built by the gold miners in the 1800's to store dynamite. We practically filmed a Coors commercial: we mountain biked, hiked, Ann Caroline and I fished together and caught two brook trout, Ann Caroline rode their horse, her first time riding, I rode a mountain bike and had two nasty falls. One fall right on a pile of river boulders. (Knee and elbow still a bit dodgy, but I think I am fine)

Fourth-of-July we roasted marshmellows by a huge camp fire.

All of Virg's family and friends are great people and a lot of fun. Her Uncle and cousin are big contractors in Colorado Springs, Allen and Kevin Booker. They talked about how slow the economy was using an example of their $220,000 bare-bones bid on a bus stop for a school for the blind which went to a lower $150,000 bid. In other words, the contractor bid to break even just to keep workers on the payroll.

Of course, being the San Diego smart ass that I am, I said;

"It was a school for the blind, go back and bid $140,000 and just tell them you finished it. And it looks beautiful."

They laughed, but I could see they were thinking:

"What the hell is wrong with that guy?"