Saturday, June 27, 2009

Ich love Brüno . . . not in that way, you silly.

Although it wasn't a direct trade, the Cubs swapped Mark DeRosa for Milton Bradley. That is a good swap like someone giving their car in exchange for a hard kick in the crotch is a good swap.

Due to the Mark Sanford scandal, I did a little research; did you know what the word Argentina means? It is a derivative of an old Castilian Spanish term that, roughly translated, means: Vagina Outsourcing.

In his first cabinet meeting since his Argentina affair with a woman named Maria, Gov. Mark Sanford compared himself to King David. No, wait, I'm sorry, no, King David is the nickname Maria gave his penis.

How much do Cubs fans and White Sox fans hate each other? You know how PETA feels about Michael Vick? Worse. The blood between Sox and Cubs fan is more toxic than Amy Winehouse's blood after a bachelorette party in Las Vegas. There are Shiite and Sunni clerics who get along better than Cubs and Sox fans.

At least the Cubs can spell their name Cubs. White Sox manager Ozzie Guillen? An "SNL" Chico Escueala routine about to happen. Like how Ozzie pronounces the name of the city. Cheek-cah-go? Where the hell is that? Pronounce it right: Shiii-kahhhhhh-goooo.

From what I have read and gathered, Iran seems like a combination of the worst aspects of Nevada, a maximum security prison and Rite Aid. An ugly, barren, hot, dusty, depressing, cold, concrete and steel hell where any aspect of joy is intentionally beaten and killed by permanently angry and bitter people.

Got an e-mail from some young alleged stand up comic in Denver basically announcing that he has done me the honor of deciding I can write material for him. As this has happened before, I was skeptical at best, but I sent him a response outlining my fees and charges.

He responded in a hurt and insulted way asking where was my faith in human nature and my desire to help a fellow human being? In short, he wanted me to write for him for free. OK, I'll bite, I thought, so I sent him an e-mail back asking what he was looking for intending to send him some appropriate observational material. Maybe three jokes.

Oh, my word, this guy honestly thought I was going to be his writing bitch for five hours a day. He told me how much material he expected to review and provided valuable insights into his personality and informed me to produce it by noon each day so he could have time to consider the material for his show that night.

I sent him back an e-mail with four words: No thanks. Good luck.

Friday, June 26, 2009

The secret service has code names for the President and Vice President. For the President they chose the name Renegade. For the Vice President the secret service chose the name "I swear to god, if he doesn't shut up I am going to shoot him."

Did you see South Carolina Gov. Mark Sanford's press conference? Here's what I don't understand: why did he apologize so much to Sarah Palin?

Something tells me Mark Sanford has accidentally created a new euphemism for sex: that girl is so hot she makes me wanna hike the Appalachian trail. Hey, I'm warning you, don't hike the Appalachian trail me on this deal.

It is Gay Pride Week in New York. To celebrate that thing on Donald Trump's head had it's tips frosted.

The Academy Awards has expanded the Best Picture category from five movies to ten. It's the only way all the movies nominated can out earn "Paul Blart Mall Cop."

Megan Fox is promoting "Transformers." Now there is a woman who can make you want to hike the ol' Appalachian trail.

In a huge upset, the US men's soccer team defeated Spain. Do not take that lack of applause as US disinterest, soccer fans are not allowed to use their hands.

Sweden has passed a law making it legal for women to swim topless in public swimming pools. This explains why Bill Clinton has applied to be a lifeguard in Sweden.

Since you asked:
However you chose to remember Michael Jackson, an other-worldly talented artist or an other-worldly disturbed man/child, either way this is a sad day.

All the things that happened to Michael Jackson should never have been allowed to happen. And the people responsible, from his abusive father to the paparazzi to his plastic surgeon and physician who gave him the drugs, should be brought forth and held accountable in the court of public scrutiny.

Saw the Megan Fox on the Letterman. No question, speaking of other-worldly, she is scary beautiful. But it is not a beauty found in real life in someone like Jennifer Aniston. Megan Fox has that odd, supermodel scary beauty like Angelina Jolie. Give me the Marissa Miller type super model beauty.

And I also picked up a lot of the "I am a rebel/artist/petulant brat" vibe from Fox. Not as much as Kristen Stewart, but it is there. And in what world is it smart for a woman - who is using her body to promote her career - to get a tattoo of Marilyn Monroe on her forearm?

Some of my good friends don't know this about me, but did you know that, in 1976, I went to Stanford? Yep. Dropped a student's car off there and stayed for ten minutes before they kicked me off the campus for not being smart enough to be there.

Lord knows I am a Sacha Baron Cohen fan, nobody has bigger ones than that guy, but even he may be pushing it with Bruno. The unease-to-comedy ratio may be a bit high. Love the premise. Show us how hypocritical we are by taking our biases - either for being too tolerant or too bigoted - and shove them down our own throats.

In the entertainment and fashion world you cannot be too gay or too foreign or too chic and flamboyant, but Bruno manages all of the above. Gay rights proponents who take themselves too seriously, as nearly all special interest groups do, will assume Bruno is mocking gay people. No. Bruno is mocking the people, gay or not, who claim acting like a wildly foppish idiot clown isn't funny and ridiculously silly. Bruno is mocking the tragically hip people who demand that type of behavior is not only acceptable, in the fashion and dance world, it is preferred.

Reverse homophobia? It cracks me up every time.

Who would want to hire a fashion-ista who isn't flaming? God help him if the most talented fashion mind in the world dressed and acted like Brett Favre. He'd starve to death. Bruno mocks this reverse bigotry and the people who enforce it. Reverse racism is always more fun to mock than ugly regular old hate-filled racism - although Cohen mocks that as well - because reverse racism is so calculated and self-righteous.

When did it become a badge of coolness to not laugh at things that are funny? A guy prancing around in a dress - or a silly costume - is funny. It doesn't make you homophobic to laugh - although gay rights groups will disagree, as they do with most things. A guy prancing around in a dress always has been, always will be funny. It's in the laws of nature. Just like an egg will always be funny and an apple won't be. Do not question these laws, for they exist for your protection.

The guy has every right to wear a dress if he chooses, but that doesn't mean we can't laugh at him.
Bruno makes fun of the politically correct snots who say we can't laugh at the silly guy in a dress. Plus Bruno makes fun of the bigots and sexist idiots who get angry and upset when they see a guy in a dress in the first place.

Like Borat was not making fun of how stupid and crass Eastern Europeans can be, he was making fun of the people who believe someone from Eastern Europe can be that ignorant and out-of-touch in the first place. And it makes fun of people who hate someone simply for being from Eastern Europe.
But best of all, Borat made fun of people who automatically sucked up to and accepted somebody's behavior, no matter how crass and stupid their behavior is, just because they are from Eastern Europe.

Billy Mills was a great Olympian, winning the 5,000 meters in the 1964 Tokyo Olympics in a huge upset.

But now Billy Mills is a world class pain-in-the ass.

Mills has appointed himself the Jesse Jackson of Native Americans and now he flies all over the country suing to get names like Squaw Valley and Stanford Indians changed. (Actually, I can see why Redskins would rankle . . .)

A recent survey revealed only 10% of Native Americans get offended by words like Indian or Chief or Squaw, but that doesn't matter to Billy Mills, he is on a politically correct holy grail mission. (And that is how he makes a living)

So Mills, in all of his self-righteous indignation, is setting in first class on a flight paid for by taxpayers after he successfully sued a high school in Wisconsin for calling their team the Braves, when a brash, flamboyant and obviously out-of-the-closet super-gay male flight attendant asks him;

"How is it going, Chief?"

Mills gets infuriated and proceeds to lecture the flight attendant on how racist and bigoted and offensive it is for someone to call him, a Native American, chief and, furthermore, as a gay man, he should be more sensitive to such bigotry and hatred. The flight attendant listens patiently to Mills and, when the lecture is over, he finally says to Mills;

"Well, it doesn't offend me, Chief."

That is exactly why Bruno/Borat/Ali G are so damn funny.

If we used more common sense in our demand for tolerance and less hyper-sensitive political correctness, Sacha Baron Cohen would be out of a job.

And, no matter how much it makes you cringe, whatever you do, do not feel sorry for the people who Cohen makes look like idiots in his movies. They knew they were being filmed, they knew how they behaved and, after the filming was done, they all signed a release or they would not appear in the movie in the first place.

And yet they sue Cohen anyway. Why? Because they didn't like that they looked like an idiot in the movie. Well, happily, it is not against the law in this country to film an idiot being an idiot.

For Sacha Baron Cohen's next character, can I make a suggestion? An obese and blind angry middle eastern guy named Mahkmaouid, pronoounced in an almost impossible-to- pronounce way (Mahahach-ahma-ee-ou-eeeed) that he insists everyone get exactly right. And, just to prove Conan O'Brien's theory that anyone who says potty humor isn't funny is taking a position, let's give the guy a chronic case of flatulance with which he copes with furious denial.

It is not politically correct to laugh at a fat guy, especially a fat blind farting guy. And nobody is allowed to make fun of anyone from the middle east for any reason.

But might it be a little awkward for a really fat blind angry middle eastern guy to get around? Let's face it, we all want to laugh, whether it is nice or not, when a fat guy falls down and goes boom. If we didn't Chris Farly, RIP, would not have had a career.

But it is really politically incorrect to laugh at a fat blind guy going boom. And heaven forbid we are so intolerant that we laugh at anything about someone who may or may not be Muslim.

But people will laugh, I promise you. And funnier still, people will try as hard as hell not to laugh. And funnier even still, people will get furious at those who do laugh at a blind fat Arab guy breaking wind and falling down and going boom. And probably sue.

But, if we know the person inside the blind angry Muslim guy fat suit is the fit and sighted and Jewish and funny Sacha Baron Cohen, we can all feel better about ourselves and still have a good laugh at a blind fat Muslim guy tooting and falling down.

And, in the end, isn't feeling good about ourselves and laughing at someone at the same time what it's all about?

You want me to get to the essence of Sacha Baron Cohen's comedy? OK, if I must, but it won't be pretty. The essence of Sacha Baron Cohen's comedy is: F@ck 'em if they can't take a joke.

(Polite applause quickly building to a raucous standing ovation )

Thursday, June 25, 2009

Good news, guys, that babe Kate of Jon and Kate is single. Seriously, if I wanted to date a cranky, bitchy diva with bad hair and eight kids I would go out with Madonna.

You know what they call Bernie Madoff? The most hated man in America. Here's my question: did they even look at my audition video?

Sappy love e-mails from South Carolina Gov., Mark Sanford, to his Argentina girlfriend, Maria, have emerged. They are pretty awful. He rhymes governor with putting his "love in her."

In response to the South Carolina Gov. Mark Sanford affair, an anonymous republican official disclosed; "After Foley, Craig and McGreevy, it's a nice change to have male republican sex scandals involving women for a change."

Nev. Sen Ensign apologized to his republican colleagues. Guess he also feels bad about hiking on that ol' Appalachian trail.

Since you asked;

Remember, when naming a dog, you can call them all the cute baby names you want as nicknames, but you have to give them a good strong name. One that is a good name but not one you would want to name a kid. Like Linus is a good example. Horace. Stanly.

Whatever you do, do not let your child or children name the dog. That is borderline cruel for the dog. "What's his name? Mister Pooh, ahem, we let the kids name him."

No excuse for that. What are some of our dog's Kasey and Wrigley's nicknames? Warning, these are disgusting:

Pooh bear, Mister Wrigley, Monkey Pants, Beauxchamps, Hounddiggily dawg, Bitty Bear, The Duke of Dorks, Party Poodles, Mugwumps, Stinkerdoodle, Cuddle bunny, scrounge around hound, Puppy Paws, the no-sense-hasen' hound, worried bear. Inspector Kasey Mr. Whinerpuss. Woofbear.

Wow, not to be morbid, but I was just about to speculate who was going to be the third. Ed McMahon, Farrah, who was the third? But I didn't think it would be Michael Jackson. Yikes.

Wednesday, June 24, 2009

No matter what your troubles are, no matter how tough things seem, I feel very certain that you do not have to fly down to Argentina to get some strange, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

In London, Friday is naked bike ride day. That makes Saturday walking-bow-legged-due-to severe-chafing day.

So the Governor of South Carolina, Mark Sanford, vanishes. Nobody knows where he is. His wife doesn't know. So, after a while, his office says he is hiking the Appalachian trail. Nice lie. No, turns out he had a fling with a woman down in Argentina. Now I've heard people will travel to Argentina because of their meat, but this is ridiculous

Maybe the choice to hire local hookers wasn't so stupid for Elliot Spitzer after all.

Say what you want about Rod Blagojevich, but at least he kept his pants on.

Who would have imagined that the most productive and well-behaved governor in the country turns out to be an admitted recreational drug and steroid using serial- actress- groping action hero movie star from Hollywood? See that, rest of the US? We Californians aren't as stupid as you thought we were.

Between Spitzer, Patterson and now Sanford, we need to get our governors governors for their pants.

Seriously, as governors, Spitzer, Patterson, Blagojevich, Sanford and, yes, Palin are their state's equivalent to president. What are the idiots like who just made it to the state legislature? There have to be some real buffoons under them.

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

Keeping it real to the feel for the deal, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

I just got a note: it seems that Bernie Madoff is fitting in well with all the prison inmates. Oops, sorry, temporary attack of dyslexia. All the prison inmates are fitting in Bernie Maddof well.

Perez Hilton claims he was assaulted by of the Black Eyed Peas at an awards show. Suddenly I just had a horrible existential realization that the time I spent reading and writing that sentence is utterly wasted and I will never, ever, get it back.

It's official, something needs to be done about those chicks on "The View." They spent the entire show today speculating just how hung the guy on HBO's "Hung" really is.

Congratulations to Joe Biden. It has been over a week since he has said something idiotic. That's a new record.

Madonna won her appeal to adopt a 3-year-old Malawi girl. This marks the first time in ten years the words Madonna and appeal have been used together.

When asked to comment about the adoption, Madonna said; "We are delighted to have, uh, hey you, Nanny #3, what's this one called? Mercy James? We are delighted to have little Mercy James, he, huh? Oh, she will be a welcome member of our public relations stunt, err, I mean family."

To learn more about what is going on in Iran, I bought the special "Time" magazine about Iran and you know what I learned that was interesting about Iran? I learned that don't give a crap about Iran.

Jon and Kate of "Jon & Kate Plus 8" are splitting up. "Gosh, too bad, they are both so normal, down-to-earth and well-adjusted with great priorities," said nobody on earth.

This just in: Perez Hilton is a worthless douche bag. Congratulations, Perez, you are now the first most annoying person named Hilton. And with Paris and Nicky, that is no small feat.

A new study shows men's testosterone levels have dropped. Thanks a lot, Manny Rameriz.

Ryan Seacrest was going to team up with Paris Hilton to create and produce a reality show, but now he has decided to go with Britney Spears instead. Apparently Ryan feels those extra 10 IQ points might come in useful.

Bear with me, I am a little bummed. I was going to start work on my autobiography, but HBO already swiped the title "Hung."

Since you asked:

Those incredible tools Jon and Kate remind me very much of a couple - now divorced - who I knew who were just like them. Socio path attention whores who would happily exploit and pimp even their own children for fame and or wealth.

You'd like to believe it's not possible for people to be so callous, evil and shallow, but it is. Especially when it comes to those who greedily thirst any form of celebrity.

Jaime Kennedy once had a "Punk'd" type hidden camera show and on one segment he posed as a big shot producer pitching a network reality show for kids. The premise was he would pitch to a bunch of psycho theater parents a nightmarish "Survivor" type show, but with their children in the place of adults.

What Kennedy let us, the audience, in on was that he would try and push the concept of increasing the risk and chances of injury and illness for the kids until some or all of the parents objected. These parents really thought their ship had come in and their kid was going to make them famous and rich. And almost nothing was going to stop them.

When Kennedy said the kids would be using power tools, and working with sharp glass, nobody said a word. When he said they would have to operate combustible gas generators, not one peep. When Kennedy pushed it and suggested they refrain from having a medical staff on hand to add credibility, I think one Dad had a slight problem with that.

The only real concern from the parents was whether or not their kid was booked and officially cast on the show. Once they were assured they were, all the safety issues took a backseat.

Turns out a show just like that actually was produced.

For whatever reason, I guess undeserving celebrities, this joke from the awesome David Cross comes to mind:

A guy meets his friend in a bar. He says;

"You won't believe what just happened to me. I was working on my roof and I slipped and fell, but the wind pushed me over to my kid's trampoline, I bounced and flew up in the air over our house, bounced harmlessly off the cloth awning in front of our porch, it shot me out over the street, but I landed on top of a truckload of mattresses, that bounced me way up into the air and I finally landed on a raft in our neighbor's pool."

"You must be the luckiest human being alive," said his friend.

"No, that would be Jim Belushi."

Monday, June 22, 2009

We gonna go low for the dough for sho', Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Lex's great idea of the week:

The USPGA should make mouth-breathing smelly morons yelling "In the hole" illegal and subject to a $500 fine that is donated in honor of Amy Mickelson to breast cancer research.

Boom goes the fantastic idea dynamite.

PETA is still fuming over President Obama killing a fly on camera during an interview. PETA wanted Obama to capture and release the fly. Or at the most allow Dick Cheney to interrogate it, then release it.

If not for a triple bogey on his first hole on Monday, David Duval could have gone from once being ranked 882nd in the world to winning the US Open. To give you an idea how bad a 882 world ranking is, at the time there were only 700 pro golfers in the world.

To give you an idea how bad a 882 world ranking is, my uncle Skeeter is ranked 883, and he doesn’t play golf.

Another loser this weekend at the US Open? The proponents of golfers are great athletes. Look at David Duval, ranked #1 in the world with virtually no competition. He gets hooked on a work out and diet routine, drops twenty pounds and 882 spots in the world. Duval gets middle-aged, grows a big gut and, boom, almost wins the US Open. If you can hear this, John Daly, put down that barbell and eat a donut.

There are some tremendously fit athletes who play golf, like Tiger Woods and Ricky Barnes and Phil Mickelson, but the guy who came within one hole of winning the whole thing, David Duval, is a middle-aged dude with a Joe Six Pack gut, bless his heart.

At the US Open, Ricky Barnes went from 8 under to 2 under to lose the lead and finish in a tie for third; at one point Barnes performance was so bad he had to apologize for it to Sarah Palin.

There was some good news, for Barnes. He did finish first in the Chevy Chase in "Caddy Shack" look-alike contest and he won my crazy Uncle Lou's worst pants award for his plaid polyester britches on Saturday. But I love the painter's hat.

Since you asked:

Maybe I am biased for my hometown boy and for his beautiful and brave wife, Amy, but there is nothing but honor in finishing second in the US Open a record five times. Did you see the list of four time second place finishers? Palmer, Nicklaus, Snead and Bobby Frickin' Jones, for crying-out-loud. Clearly only the greatest players of all time have finished second at the US Open four times. And Lefty beat their record.

Finishing second isn't like what the Oakland Raiders did by losing a Super Bowl a few years ago. The Raiders flat out choked and sucked. You cannot suck and finish second at the US Open. Yes, there were some short putts Lefty would like to try again. But he also sank some long bombers. He came back big, is what Lefty did.

Still think finishing second at the US Open is no big deal? Good, write me a no-big-deal check for the $559,830 Phil gets for second. Even Barnes performance on Monday should not be considered choking and he blew up six strokes on the day. Let's not forget, Ricky also had an eight stroke lead at a US open after Sunday. That is huge. Yes, he didn't play as well as he wanted, but he did not choke. He finished well.

Two words: Boo and Yah.

Someone needs to tell Johnny Miller to not be afraid to speak his mind. Wow, that guy would tell a dying grandmother she looked like hell.

Does the character Miley Cyrus plays, has she ever had a fruit basket in her luxury Cuban beach tent? In other words, has Hannah Montana had a banana in her Havana cabana? The answer? Not until manana. Oh snap . . .

Insiders say, despite her reluctant and tepid apology acceptance, Sarah Palin is still furious over the off-color Dave Letterman joke about her daughter. In my opinion it didn't help matters when, along with his apology, Letterman included a box of Midol.