Tuesday, June 23, 2009

Keeping it real to the feel for the deal, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

I just got a note: it seems that Bernie Madoff is fitting in well with all the prison inmates. Oops, sorry, temporary attack of dyslexia. All the prison inmates are fitting in Bernie Maddof well.

Perez Hilton claims he was assaulted by Will.i.am of the Black Eyed Peas at an awards show. Suddenly I just had a horrible existential realization that the time I spent reading and writing that sentence is utterly wasted and I will never, ever, get it back.

It's official, something needs to be done about those chicks on "The View." They spent the entire show today speculating just how hung the guy on HBO's "Hung" really is.

Congratulations to Joe Biden. It has been over a week since he has said something idiotic. That's a new record.

Madonna won her appeal to adopt a 3-year-old Malawi girl. This marks the first time in ten years the words Madonna and appeal have been used together.

When asked to comment about the adoption, Madonna said; "We are delighted to have, uh, hey you, Nanny #3, what's this one called? Mercy James? We are delighted to have little Mercy James, he, huh? Oh, she will be a welcome member of our public relations stunt, err, I mean family."

To learn more about what is going on in Iran, I bought the special "Time" magazine about Iran and you know what I learned that was interesting about Iran? I learned that don't give a crap about Iran.

Jon and Kate of "Jon & Kate Plus 8" are splitting up. "Gosh, too bad, they are both so normal, down-to-earth and well-adjusted with great priorities," said nobody on earth.

This just in: Perez Hilton is a worthless douche bag. Congratulations, Perez, you are now the first most annoying person named Hilton. And with Paris and Nicky, that is no small feat.

A new study shows men's testosterone levels have dropped. Thanks a lot, Manny Rameriz.

Ryan Seacrest was going to team up with Paris Hilton to create and produce a reality show, but now he has decided to go with Britney Spears instead. Apparently Ryan feels those extra 10 IQ points might come in useful.

Bear with me, I am a little bummed. I was going to start work on my autobiography, but HBO already swiped the title "Hung."

Since you asked:

Those incredible tools Jon and Kate remind me very much of a couple - now divorced - who I knew who were just like them. Socio path attention whores who would happily exploit and pimp even their own children for fame and or wealth.

You'd like to believe it's not possible for people to be so callous, evil and shallow, but it is. Especially when it comes to those who greedily thirst any form of celebrity.

Jaime Kennedy once had a "Punk'd" type hidden camera show and on one segment he posed as a big shot producer pitching a network reality show for kids. The premise was he would pitch to a bunch of psycho theater parents a nightmarish "Survivor" type show, but with their children in the place of adults.

What Kennedy let us, the audience, in on was that he would try and push the concept of increasing the risk and chances of injury and illness for the kids until some or all of the parents objected. These parents really thought their ship had come in and their kid was going to make them famous and rich. And almost nothing was going to stop them.

When Kennedy said the kids would be using power tools, and working with sharp glass, nobody said a word. When he said they would have to operate combustible gas generators, not one peep. When Kennedy pushed it and suggested they refrain from having a medical staff on hand to add credibility, I think one Dad had a slight problem with that.

The only real concern from the parents was whether or not their kid was booked and officially cast on the show. Once they were assured they were, all the safety issues took a backseat.

Turns out a show just like that actually was produced.

For whatever reason, I guess undeserving celebrities, this joke from the awesome David Cross comes to mind:

A guy meets his friend in a bar. He says;

"You won't believe what just happened to me. I was working on my roof and I slipped and fell, but the wind pushed me over to my kid's trampoline, I bounced and flew up in the air over our house, bounced harmlessly off the cloth awning in front of our porch, it shot me out over the street, but I landed on top of a truckload of mattresses, that bounced me way up into the air and I finally landed on a raft in our neighbor's pool."

"You must be the luckiest human being alive," said his friend.

"No, that would be Jim Belushi."