Friday, June 26, 2009

The secret service has code names for the President and Vice President. For the President they chose the name Renegade. For the Vice President the secret service chose the name "I swear to god, if he doesn't shut up I am going to shoot him."

Did you see South Carolina Gov. Mark Sanford's press conference? Here's what I don't understand: why did he apologize so much to Sarah Palin?

Something tells me Mark Sanford has accidentally created a new euphemism for sex: that girl is so hot she makes me wanna hike the Appalachian trail. Hey, I'm warning you, don't hike the Appalachian trail me on this deal.

It is Gay Pride Week in New York. To celebrate that thing on Donald Trump's head had it's tips frosted.

The Academy Awards has expanded the Best Picture category from five movies to ten. It's the only way all the movies nominated can out earn "Paul Blart Mall Cop."

Megan Fox is promoting "Transformers." Now there is a woman who can make you want to hike the ol' Appalachian trail.

In a huge upset, the US men's soccer team defeated Spain. Do not take that lack of applause as US disinterest, soccer fans are not allowed to use their hands.

Sweden has passed a law making it legal for women to swim topless in public swimming pools. This explains why Bill Clinton has applied to be a lifeguard in Sweden.

Since you asked:
However you chose to remember Michael Jackson, an other-worldly talented artist or an other-worldly disturbed man/child, either way this is a sad day.

All the things that happened to Michael Jackson should never have been allowed to happen. And the people responsible, from his abusive father to the paparazzi to his plastic surgeon and physician who gave him the drugs, should be brought forth and held accountable in the court of public scrutiny.

Saw the Megan Fox on the Letterman. No question, speaking of other-worldly, she is scary beautiful. But it is not a beauty found in real life in someone like Jennifer Aniston. Megan Fox has that odd, supermodel scary beauty like Angelina Jolie. Give me the Marissa Miller type super model beauty.

And I also picked up a lot of the "I am a rebel/artist/petulant brat" vibe from Fox. Not as much as Kristen Stewart, but it is there. And in what world is it smart for a woman - who is using her body to promote her career - to get a tattoo of Marilyn Monroe on her forearm?

Some of my good friends don't know this about me, but did you know that, in 1976, I went to Stanford? Yep. Dropped a student's car off there and stayed for ten minutes before they kicked me off the campus for not being smart enough to be there.

Lord knows I am a Sacha Baron Cohen fan, nobody has bigger ones than that guy, but even he may be pushing it with Bruno. The unease-to-comedy ratio may be a bit high. Love the premise. Show us how hypocritical we are by taking our biases - either for being too tolerant or too bigoted - and shove them down our own throats.

In the entertainment and fashion world you cannot be too gay or too foreign or too chic and flamboyant, but Bruno manages all of the above. Gay rights proponents who take themselves too seriously, as nearly all special interest groups do, will assume Bruno is mocking gay people. No. Bruno is mocking the people, gay or not, who claim acting like a wildly foppish idiot clown isn't funny and ridiculously silly. Bruno is mocking the tragically hip people who demand that type of behavior is not only acceptable, in the fashion and dance world, it is preferred.

Reverse homophobia? It cracks me up every time.

Who would want to hire a fashion-ista who isn't flaming? God help him if the most talented fashion mind in the world dressed and acted like Brett Favre. He'd starve to death. Bruno mocks this reverse bigotry and the people who enforce it. Reverse racism is always more fun to mock than ugly regular old hate-filled racism - although Cohen mocks that as well - because reverse racism is so calculated and self-righteous.

When did it become a badge of coolness to not laugh at things that are funny? A guy prancing around in a dress - or a silly costume - is funny. It doesn't make you homophobic to laugh - although gay rights groups will disagree, as they do with most things. A guy prancing around in a dress always has been, always will be funny. It's in the laws of nature. Just like an egg will always be funny and an apple won't be. Do not question these laws, for they exist for your protection.

The guy has every right to wear a dress if he chooses, but that doesn't mean we can't laugh at him.
Bruno makes fun of the politically correct snots who say we can't laugh at the silly guy in a dress. Plus Bruno makes fun of the bigots and sexist idiots who get angry and upset when they see a guy in a dress in the first place.

Like Borat was not making fun of how stupid and crass Eastern Europeans can be, he was making fun of the people who believe someone from Eastern Europe can be that ignorant and out-of-touch in the first place. And it makes fun of people who hate someone simply for being from Eastern Europe.
But best of all, Borat made fun of people who automatically sucked up to and accepted somebody's behavior, no matter how crass and stupid their behavior is, just because they are from Eastern Europe.

Billy Mills was a great Olympian, winning the 5,000 meters in the 1964 Tokyo Olympics in a huge upset.

But now Billy Mills is a world class pain-in-the ass.

Mills has appointed himself the Jesse Jackson of Native Americans and now he flies all over the country suing to get names like Squaw Valley and Stanford Indians changed. (Actually, I can see why Redskins would rankle . . .)

A recent survey revealed only 10% of Native Americans get offended by words like Indian or Chief or Squaw, but that doesn't matter to Billy Mills, he is on a politically correct holy grail mission. (And that is how he makes a living)

So Mills, in all of his self-righteous indignation, is setting in first class on a flight paid for by taxpayers after he successfully sued a high school in Wisconsin for calling their team the Braves, when a brash, flamboyant and obviously out-of-the-closet super-gay male flight attendant asks him;

"How is it going, Chief?"

Mills gets infuriated and proceeds to lecture the flight attendant on how racist and bigoted and offensive it is for someone to call him, a Native American, chief and, furthermore, as a gay man, he should be more sensitive to such bigotry and hatred. The flight attendant listens patiently to Mills and, when the lecture is over, he finally says to Mills;

"Well, it doesn't offend me, Chief."

That is exactly why Bruno/Borat/Ali G are so damn funny.

If we used more common sense in our demand for tolerance and less hyper-sensitive political correctness, Sacha Baron Cohen would be out of a job.

And, no matter how much it makes you cringe, whatever you do, do not feel sorry for the people who Cohen makes look like idiots in his movies. They knew they were being filmed, they knew how they behaved and, after the filming was done, they all signed a release or they would not appear in the movie in the first place.

And yet they sue Cohen anyway. Why? Because they didn't like that they looked like an idiot in the movie. Well, happily, it is not against the law in this country to film an idiot being an idiot.

For Sacha Baron Cohen's next character, can I make a suggestion? An obese and blind angry middle eastern guy named Mahkmaouid, pronoounced in an almost impossible-to- pronounce way (Mahahach-ahma-ee-ou-eeeed) that he insists everyone get exactly right. And, just to prove Conan O'Brien's theory that anyone who says potty humor isn't funny is taking a position, let's give the guy a chronic case of flatulance with which he copes with furious denial.

It is not politically correct to laugh at a fat guy, especially a fat blind farting guy. And nobody is allowed to make fun of anyone from the middle east for any reason.

But might it be a little awkward for a really fat blind angry middle eastern guy to get around? Let's face it, we all want to laugh, whether it is nice or not, when a fat guy falls down and goes boom. If we didn't Chris Farly, RIP, would not have had a career.

But it is really politically incorrect to laugh at a fat blind guy going boom. And heaven forbid we are so intolerant that we laugh at anything about someone who may or may not be Muslim.

But people will laugh, I promise you. And funnier still, people will try as hard as hell not to laugh. And funnier even still, people will get furious at those who do laugh at a blind fat Arab guy breaking wind and falling down and going boom. And probably sue.

But, if we know the person inside the blind angry Muslim guy fat suit is the fit and sighted and Jewish and funny Sacha Baron Cohen, we can all feel better about ourselves and still have a good laugh at a blind fat Muslim guy tooting and falling down.

And, in the end, isn't feeling good about ourselves and laughing at someone at the same time what it's all about?

You want me to get to the essence of Sacha Baron Cohen's comedy? OK, if I must, but it won't be pretty. The essence of Sacha Baron Cohen's comedy is: F@ck 'em if they can't take a joke.

(Polite applause quickly building to a raucous standing ovation )