Monday, June 22, 2009

We gonna go low for the dough for sho', Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Lex's great idea of the week:

The USPGA should make mouth-breathing smelly morons yelling "In the hole" illegal and subject to a $500 fine that is donated in honor of Amy Mickelson to breast cancer research.

Boom goes the fantastic idea dynamite.

PETA is still fuming over President Obama killing a fly on camera during an interview. PETA wanted Obama to capture and release the fly. Or at the most allow Dick Cheney to interrogate it, then release it.

If not for a triple bogey on his first hole on Monday, David Duval could have gone from once being ranked 882nd in the world to winning the US Open. To give you an idea how bad a 882 world ranking is, at the time there were only 700 pro golfers in the world.

To give you an idea how bad a 882 world ranking is, my uncle Skeeter is ranked 883, and he doesn’t play golf.

Another loser this weekend at the US Open? The proponents of golfers are great athletes. Look at David Duval, ranked #1 in the world with virtually no competition. He gets hooked on a work out and diet routine, drops twenty pounds and 882 spots in the world. Duval gets middle-aged, grows a big gut and, boom, almost wins the US Open. If you can hear this, John Daly, put down that barbell and eat a donut.

There are some tremendously fit athletes who play golf, like Tiger Woods and Ricky Barnes and Phil Mickelson, but the guy who came within one hole of winning the whole thing, David Duval, is a middle-aged dude with a Joe Six Pack gut, bless his heart.

At the US Open, Ricky Barnes went from 8 under to 2 under to lose the lead and finish in a tie for third; at one point Barnes performance was so bad he had to apologize for it to Sarah Palin.

There was some good news, for Barnes. He did finish first in the Chevy Chase in "Caddy Shack" look-alike contest and he won my crazy Uncle Lou's worst pants award for his plaid polyester britches on Saturday. But I love the painter's hat.

Since you asked:

Maybe I am biased for my hometown boy and for his beautiful and brave wife, Amy, but there is nothing but honor in finishing second in the US Open a record five times. Did you see the list of four time second place finishers? Palmer, Nicklaus, Snead and Bobby Frickin' Jones, for crying-out-loud. Clearly only the greatest players of all time have finished second at the US Open four times. And Lefty beat their record.

Finishing second isn't like what the Oakland Raiders did by losing a Super Bowl a few years ago. The Raiders flat out choked and sucked. You cannot suck and finish second at the US Open. Yes, there were some short putts Lefty would like to try again. But he also sank some long bombers. He came back big, is what Lefty did.

Still think finishing second at the US Open is no big deal? Good, write me a no-big-deal check for the $559,830 Phil gets for second. Even Barnes performance on Monday should not be considered choking and he blew up six strokes on the day. Let's not forget, Ricky also had an eight stroke lead at a US open after Sunday. That is huge. Yes, he didn't play as well as he wanted, but he did not choke. He finished well.

Two words: Boo and Yah.

Someone needs to tell Johnny Miller to not be afraid to speak his mind. Wow, that guy would tell a dying grandmother she looked like hell.

Does the character Miley Cyrus plays, has she ever had a fruit basket in her luxury Cuban beach tent? In other words, has Hannah Montana had a banana in her Havana cabana? The answer? Not until manana. Oh snap . . .

Insiders say, despite her reluctant and tepid apology acceptance, Sarah Palin is still furious over the off-color Dave Letterman joke about her daughter. In my opinion it didn't help matters when, along with his apology, Letterman included a box of Midol.