Friday, February 27, 2009

This just in:
Warren Buffet said the economy is going to still be in shambles in 2009. Great, you know what, Warren? That $62 billion you’re worth? It’s now $10 billion. You just gave $50 billion to a charity called the United States Economy. Good luck scraping by on $10 billion.  Frazafrickinrumrazernogravahazzleshizzenfurber.

The economy is so bad:
Ben & Jerry's new flavor is dirt.

Do not leave a brother hangin’, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Move over Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie and Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner, Giselle Bundchen and Tom Brady got married.
But I don’ think Brady and Bundchen are going to be a good couple nickname like Bennifer and Brangilina, Giselle and Tom, sadly, would make Gisom.

The Washington Redskins have signed a defensive tackle, Albert Haynesworth, to a seven-year $100 million deal.
So congratulations everybody, clearly the economic crisis is now over.

In May, Michael Vick will finish his prison sentence for dog fighting under house arrest in Virginia.
One mistake and Vick is back in prison. Or worse, playing for the Oakland Raiders.

At the Arizona Match Play Event, Columbia's Camilo Villegas beat Spain’s Miguel Angel Jimenez 5 and 4.
In addition, Jimenez and Villegas finished second and third to Iran President Mahmoud Amadinejad in the Most Annoying Name Pronunciation Contest.

Since you asked:

Have you noticed how you always seem to see the same people you don't know over and over again? We have a ton of friends all over this neighborhood from school, soccer, the band I play in, the gym, but I never see them when I am out and about. I always see the same people who I don't know.

And at some point don't you have to make a conscious decision to not get to know them? God forbid you cross over into the "Hi, how is it going?" phase just because you always see them at the store. You need to have to have a reason to do that: their kid is in your kid's school, you know them from a party. Just seeing them at the gym and at the grocery store does not merit the advance to a verbal acknowledgment.

You have to stay in the eye contact and nod phase only. And it isn't it the worst when you think you see someone you know, and you have to dig down and remember their name and ask them to say hello to their wife and or husband and remember their name and then their kids names. And as soon as you have them all in your mind ready to go, it turns out that isn't the person you thought it was.

Don't they piss you off? Hey, pal, what the hell do you think you're doing not being the person I thought you were? I went to a lot of trouble to be pleasant and thoughtful to my friend and you fooled me. Go screw yourself, deceptive stranger.

"Monterey Pop"

Some observations on the documentary “Monterey Pop.” First of all, besides Otis Redding and Jimi Hendrix, if this festival represented the coolest of the cool, we weren’t all that cool in 1967. Even in the coolest of cool towns, Monterey. The hippie look was just a flat out bad one. And they took themselves so damn seriously.

But Ravi Shankar? Why on earth would Hindus believe in reincarnation if there was the slightest possibility they would have to hear that Sitar crap again? It makes progressive Jazz look downright military in its discipline. It is the closest music will ever get to capturing the sensation of being skinned alive. Both involve a lot of painful moaning of;

"My god, when will this be over?"

And Hendrix was so cool, but even that is hard to watch in terms of how drawn out and self-indulgent the act was. The lighting the guitar on fire was wild and all, but come on . . .

And, once again, it will take an awful lot of things going wrong at the same time to ever produce a more over-rated band than The Jefferson Airplane and I don’t believe there will ever be a performer more over-rated than Grace Slick. Not even Gene Simmons.

Lex’s Pet Peeve
Warning, this Pet Peeve is, like some O.C.D. traits, one you can catch.. Let me explain: my at-least-for-now-until-they-go-broke-like-my-other-radio-station I write for has a bit on OCD traits. The problem has been listeners catching them. Personally, I caught the one where you can’t touch anything with your hands in a public bathroom, you use paper towel mitts.

One of the listeners caught the have-to-count-all-the-birds-in-a-flock.

You could catch my new pet peeve: getting pissed at rude lazy-assed, selfish slobs who stroll away from their car and, instead of hitting the one-touch silent lock button on their key, they just shuffle away and blast the obnoxiously loud horn lock with me standing right next to their car. It is loud, lazy and obnoxious to blast the horn lock if someone is standing near the car.

I officially call them Rude, Lazy-assed Horn-lock Blowers or RLHB’s.

Thursday, February 26, 2009

We ain’t frontin’, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

A bankruptcy judge ruled the Atlanta home of dog-fighting-inmate, Michael Vick, be sold at auction.

No word yet on how the moral bankruptcy judge ruled on Vick.

Tiger Woods is back at the Match Play Championship in Arizona.

So for the first time at the same time, the President of the US is African American and so is the best golfer in the world. Somewhere ex- Atlanta pitcher/ racist, John Rocker, is crying himself to sleep.

Alex Rodriguez has the same manager as his ex, Madonna.

Which explains why A-Rod can’t act sincere about his steroid apology, nobody associated with Madonna can act anything.

The Golf Channel has “The Haney Project: Charles Barkley” Hank Haney, the greatest swing coach, is going to try and correct Charles Barkley’s swing.

It’s a version of the joke where, upon hearing about this, President Barack Obama was so impressed with Haney’s ambition, he sends Haney all the paperwork on the economy and asks him to fix it. Haney looks at them and calls the President;

“With all due respect, Mr. President, this thing with the deficits and bank problems and the bail outs, the drop in the markets, it’s too hard and difficult for me to fix.”

Then Haney saw a clip of Barkley’s golf swing, paused and said;

“Hey, Barack, I'll take another look at these financial statements and get back to you."

Wednesday, February 25, 2009

This just in:

In an interview on CBS, V.P Joe Biden asked for a web site’s number instead of the address, the right term.
Joe might not be all that tech savvy; he still thinks a Palm Pilot is Idaho Sen Larry Craig.
We can bring it all day long, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

In his speech to congress last night, President Barack Obama spoke 6,000 words.
He said America 58 times, economy 22 times, nation 19 times and oddly enough three times he mentioned the band

In his speech to congress last night, President Barack Obama spoke 6,000 words.
He said America the most, 58 times, the economy 22 times, the nation 19 times and oddly enough he mentioned Hostess Twinkies twice.

President Barack Obama has been in office for 37 days.
That's one day for every bowling pin he can knock down.

Charles Barkley is going to jail for his DUI arrest.
Let's all hope Sir Charles isn't going to jail expecting the same thing he was expecting when he got the DUI.

In Barack Obama’s speech to Congress, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi leapt to her feet numerous times to applaud enthusiastically.
Of course with all of her face lifts, Nancy
Pelosi always looks enthusiastic.

Tiger Woods is returning to golf this weekend after having knee surgery.
Tiger says he is excited to return because his legs feel strong, he missed the players on the tour but primarily Tiger is glad to be on tour because he has a screaming baby and a rambunctious toddler in his house.

After her appearance at a post-Oscar party, gossip is swirling that Madonna has had a lot of cosmetic work done.
Rumor has it Alex Rodriguez’s cousin injected
Botox into her butt.

My daughter has a book of Presidential jokes or funny stories throughout our country’s history.
Sadly, the chapter for President George W. Bush is primarily knock-knock jokes.

My daughter has a book of Presidential jokes throughout our country’s history.
It was disturbing to discover the chapter on Bill Clinton was comprised primarily of limericks about Nantucket.

Barack Obama's family is trying to decide on a name for their soon-to-be First Dog.
It was a little awkward when his daughter's heard that dogs age seven times faster than humans they suggested the name McCain.

The First Family has decided on the breed of dog they will get: a Portuguese water dog.
They don’t shed, they have a good temperament and generally speaking their taxes are up to date.

Tuesday, February 24, 2009

You ever have folks fightin’ over you? Feels pretty good, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

“Slumdog Millionaire” won best movie at the Oscars.

Now don’t confuse “Slumdog Millionaire” with the documentary on Bernard Madoff; “Scumbag Billionaire.”

I don’t want to say the opening of the Oscars was gay, but . . .
Afterwards “The Wrestler’s” Mickey Rourke signed to do the movie “The Choreographer.”

The good news is that Sean Penn won the best actor Oscar for “Milk”
The bad news? Today the movie “Milk” was found to have trace elements of Chinese lead.

Since you asked:

So check this out, Slats and Nugglies . . .

Yes, I am a huge fan of the Bonnie “We’re waking, we’re walking” Hunt as well as “The Bonnie Hunt Show” and no, I do not have a uterus, thanks for asking. The woman is, in my mind, the greatest seventh inning stretch guest on WGN during Cubs games ever. Not only is she a hilarious interview, but, to quote Jackson Browne, that girl can sing.

And so are my daughter Ann Caroline and my lovely wife and her mother, Virg, fans of Bonnie’s show as well. So I record the show and we, from time to time, watch it during or before dinner. It is very cute and funny.

They have a caption contest on the show and Ann Caroline excitedly asked me to enter sweetly predicting I would win. Well, in all modesty, I am good with captions and like to enter caption contests and I have won every one I have entered with one huge exception: “The New Yorker” cartoon caption contest. I write that off to too many entries, so I was hesitant to get Ann Caroline’s hopes up.

First week I entered “TBHS” caption contest, nothing. Second week, nothing, not even the top three finalist. Then they went on hiatus so I entered, waited two weeks and, bam. Guess who won the latest “The Bonnie Hunt Show” caption contest*? (Google “The Bonnie Hunt Show” and go down to the bottom)

So I knew that I had won because I checked online. Then I watched the recording and it was very fun and flattering – my caption won by a fair amount – so while I fixed roast beef sandguidos for the three of us, I casually played the show as if none the wiser.

Bonnie reads mine last of the final three and Ann Caroline goes bonkers. For someone who spends so much time bursting with pride at AC’s accomplishments in school, with her many friends and on the soccer field, it was nice to have it go the other way for a change.

But after Bonnie read all three captions for the first time, she repeats them for the audience to vote. AC launched into the most shameless shill ever booing the first two brutally while cheering hysterically for my caption.

It was pretty cute.

* The picture is an adorable little about-five-year-old girl leading a handsome if not a little scary-looking huge brown Mastiff on a leash taken at the Westminster Dog Show. My caption:

“Sadly, Susie’s dog, Lucy, was disqualified from the dog show after the Chihuahua tested positive for steroids.”

Monday, February 23, 2009

Do not pee on my shoe and tell me it is raining, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Michael Jackson is auctioning household items from his Neverland Ranch.

It isn’t going well, there was only one bidder for his satin bed sheets: the Center for Disease Control.

The Vatican proclaims that men and women sin differently.

Women are more likely to make sins with pride and envy while men are more likely to makes sins with Madonna and Paris Hilton.

An Ohio teacher skipped class to be a prostitute and she was arrested.

The good part about hiring a prostitute who is a teacher? They make you do it over and over again until you get it right.

Alex Rodriguez said his cousin injected steroids into his butt.

A-Rod claims to have stopped, but before, A-Rod used to get more things injected into his butt than Clay Aikens.

President Clinton said he approves of the stimulus package.

Of course Clinton approves of anything that stimulates a package.

The economy is in rough shape.

It is so bad the economy could actually use a shot in the butt from Alex Rodriguez’s cousin.

Sarah Palin owes $70,000 in taxes.

It’s so bad now Sarah can see Russia from her poorhouse.

The Academy Awards were last night.

I wasn’t going to watch. It was my personal protest to how shameful it is the Academy snubbed Paris Hilton and her movie “The Hottie and the Nottie.”

A survey reveals the most stressful jobs are surgeon and airline pilot. The third most stressful job? Rod Blagojevich’s hair stylist.

Jessica Simpson claims she it isn’t her fault she is gaining weight.

Apparently Alex Rodriguez’s cousin injected her butt with Cheese Whiz.

With Alex Rodriguez and all the steroid scandals;

I got so upset about people using performance enhancing drugs I almost forgot to take my Viagra.

The dog that won the Westminster dog show, Stump? The endorsements are lining up.

Stump is doing so well they are going to make a movie about Stump. It’s called: “Stump Dog Millionaire.”