Do not pee on my shoe and tell me it is raining, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers


Michael Jackson is auctioning household items from his Neverland Ranch.
It isn’t going well, there was only one bidder for his satin bed sheets: the Center for Disease Control.


The Vatican proclaims that men and women sin differently.
Women are more likely to make sins with pride and envy while men are more likely to makes sins with Madonna and Paris Hilton.


An Ohio teacher skipped class to be a prostitute and she was arrested.
The good part about hiring a prostitute who is a teacher? They make you do it over and over again until you get it right.


Alex Rodriguez said his cousin injected steroids into his butt.
A-Rod claims to have stopped, but before, A-Rod used to get more things injected into his butt than Clay Aikens.


President Clinton said he approves of the stimulus package.
Of course Clinton approves of anything that stimulates a package.


The economy is in rough shape.
It is so bad the economy could actually use a shot in the butt from Alex Rodriguez’s cousin.


Sarah Palin owes $70,000 in taxes.
It’s so bad now Sarah can see Russia from her poorhouse.


The Academy Awards were last night.
I wasn’t going to watch. It was my personal protest to how shameful it is the Academy snubbed Paris Hilton and her movie “The Hottie and the Nottie.”


A CareerCast.com survey reveals the most stressful jobs are surgeon and airline pilot. The third most stressful job? Rod Blagojevich’s hair stylist.


Jessica Simpson claims she it isn’t her fault she is gaining weight.
Apparently Alex Rodriguez’s cousin injected her butt with Cheese Whiz.


With Alex Rodriguez and all the steroid scandals;
I got so upset about people using performance enhancing drugs I almost forgot to take my Viagra.

The dog that won the Westminster dog show, Stump? The endorsements are lining up.
Stump is doing so well they are going to make a movie about Stump. It’s called: “Stump Dog Millionaire.”