Friday, November 21, 2008

Don’t over-think it, we gonna Spaghetti Cat that there, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

That’s nothing
A Florida teenager survived 118 days without a heart. Big deal? Dick Cheney has gone two terms without a heart. And President Bush has gone two terms without a brain.

Arrrrrrr you kidding me?
Somalia pirates have hijacked a Saudi oil tanker; that’s roughly equivalent of an entertainment attorney kidnapping a telemarketer. No good guys involved.

Don’t kid yourself, those Somalia pirates are brazen. Today they hijacked the deep fryer at a Jolly Roger.

That’s jacked up, man
“People” Sexiest Man Alive is Hugh Jackman. So guys, how does it feel to know that a guy who admitted wetting his pants while singing a Broadway show tune is sexier than you are?

“People” Sexiest Men Alive issue is out and sadly I did not make the list. The last spot was between me, Andy Dick and Peter Griffin, the dad in “Family Guy.”

“People” Sexiest Man Alive is Hugh Jackman. Have you noticed that the sexiest man alive is always a famous movie star? How come the sexiest man alive is never some guy who works at Blockbuster or Radio Shack? OK, forget I said that. That was stupid.

Shine on
Now the rumors from the Obama camp are Barack will offer the Sec. of State post to Hillary Clinton after Thanksgiving. Is it just me or do they treat Hillary like the kid who wants - but won't get - a pony for Christmas? They just keep shining her on;

"OK, well talk about it after Thanksgiving."

Since you asked:

Realizing that the entire world is hanging on my opinion of "Twilight" co-star, Kristen Stewart, I just saw her appearance with Dave. Let's just say it made me very proud of my earlier assessment.

No doubt, I get that she's young, but still . . . if you're 18 and an alleged actor and you can't even act like it is a little fun to be the star of a blockbuster movie, you need to be sent away. 

At one point Dave said; "Everyone is different. For example, you and I couldn't be more different." Priceless.

And then when asked what her interests outside of acting are, she said;

"I'm really boring. I kept thinking I won't have anything to say on Letterman."

And as only Dave can he said;

"And did you tell anyone this?"

Best line of the week:

Alec Baldwin's "Thirty Rock" Jack Donaghy telling Tina Fey's Liz Lemmon to date Steve Martin's Gavin Valure:

"You're gonna play this like a Chinese gymnast: wear something tight, force a smile and lie about your age."

Thursday, November 20, 2008

How do you suppose Snoop Dog would say the word frizzy, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers?

Deep throat 2
Elliot Spitzer’s hooker, Ashley Dupre, was interviewed in “People” magazine’s “Sexiest Men Alive” issue. It is the only way possible that the name Elliot Spitzer could possibly appear in “People’s Sexiest Men Alive” issue

I don’t want to say Elliot Spitzer is ugly, but he looks like former Pittsburgh Steeler coach Bill Cowher sucking on a lemon.

I’m a sexy maaaaaahhhhn
“People” magazine’s “Sexiest Men Alive” issue is out. Over half the men listed fit the image of the bad boy. If women love a bad boy so much why did Elliot Spitzer have to hire hookers?

“People” magazine’s “Sexiest Men Alive” issue is out. Over half the men listed fit the image of the bad boy. If women love a bad boy so much how Adam “Pacman” Jones has to spend so much money on strippers?

Sure, what’s one more chance out of thirty two?
The NFL is giving Adam “Pacman” Jones one last chance. But they have reiterated that this is his last chance. As I’ve said before, it’s all part of the NFL’s tough new “32 strikes and you’re out” policy.

Why not? Why should it matter that this “Pacman” guy has been in more strip club fights than all of the U.S.’s strip club bouncers combined?

“Pacman” goes free . . . again
The NFL is giving Adam “Pacman” Jones one last chance. That’s a good lesson for kids: obey the laws of society or you will be severely punished, unless, of course, you can cover a wide receiver one-on-one in third and long passing situations.

Not a guy’s guy thang
Being a straight male, the “Twilight” phenomenon fascinates me much in the way dogs like to eat poop fascinates me. They are both mind boggling and yet I have no desire to partake in either.

Since you asked:

Move over Shannen Doherty, there is a new owner of the world’s biggest psycho beyatch who is both wildly undeserving and wholly ungrateful of her fame. In two interviews I’ve seen, this “Twilight” Kristen Stewart is this surly, bratty little art house pseudo-intellectual who is spitting to anyone who will listen about how much she hates being famous. (If you despise fame it is always a good idea to become a movie actress) What a little snotty tool. But she needn’t worry, as soon as people catch on to what a colossal pain-in-the-ass Stewart is, she won’t be famous for much longer. (Remember, though, I'm the idiot who cursed us with 30 years of Madonna because I sad the talentless hack would never cut it) 

And her “Twilight” co-star, Robert Pattinson? You may or may not want to believe that most lead male actors are gay, but if this guy isn’t gay nobody is gay. And this is even giving him the benefit of the “He’s British so he just sounds gay” doubt.

So what if Pattinson is gay? It doesn’t and shouldn’t make any difference to anyone if he is gay. Unless, oh, I don’t know, let’s say some movie studio is spending billions of dollars on a movie to get women to fall in love with him. Then it just might matter if he’s gay. A wee tad. Yah think?

This ‘Twilight” a just modern vampire version of “The Thornbirds.” (At the time no woman wanted to believe Richard Chamberlain was gay either)

So here is a good time to play another rousing game of:

“Things Hollywood Thinks Happen But They Never Actually Do.”

Vampires exist. Everywhere.

Parking spot open in front of a crowded restaurant in a big city.

Firm belief that ridiculously girlishly pretty men are straight. (This might also be a female thing)

The real world has an endless fascination with gay male love stories.

Repeated running from exploding fireballs ending in being catapulted in the air by the explosions impact, but resulting in no injuries whatsoever.

Flying threw huge glass windows resulting in no injuries whatsoever.

Characters coming from a workout in the gym looking fabulous with just a slight one inch half moon ring of sweat under their collar and holding a towel nattily draped around their neck.

Always getting a waiter who makes snide, sarcastic witty remarks. Same with bartenders.

Bartenders who come right up to serve the person who just walked in no matter how crowded the bar.

People who sit down at a restaurant who only eat a bite or two of their food and then leave.

People who order a drink at a bar, take one sip and then leave, tossing a wad of cash on the bar.

The concept of eating and working late at the same time, usually with a carton of Chinese food. (People do eat when they work late, but it’s pizza, not Chinese food, and they stop working long enough to eat it)

Executive types who always have a tumbler of Scotch in their hands but never get drunk.

Drop dead handsome delivery personnel.

Every restaurant and bar is littered with hot babes in short skirts. (In the real world, it is an unwritten law that if hot women see other even hotter women in a bar, they leave that bar)

Men who wake up next to a hot babe after being so drunk they cannot remember how they got there. (Guys, if you were so drunk you blacked out the entire night, you could not have possibly had sex nor could you have scored a hot babe)

No lines anywhere, anytime, including coffee shops.

Polite drivers who drive like they are in a driver’s education film.

No dropped cell phone calls.

No hangovers no matter how drunk the character got the night before.

Children’s rooms are always neat.

Shirts are pressed and ties are spotless.

Dogs are always well-behaved.

A group of people who stand around talking in a circle so the camera can do a Scorsese circle-pan.

A group of four people or more who walk down the sidewalk side-by-side in a straight line in slow motion, again, Scorsese-like.

Coffee pots are always full.

Underwear is always fancy and impeccable.

Beautiful lovers stand adoringly in the pouring rain and look fabulous doing it.

Mob members who are articulate and well-spoken. (Kudos to the “Sopranos” for not using this)

New York cops are always funny, clever and droll.

Every white lead has a sassy and hip black best friend.

Every straight guy has a sassy and hip gay friend.

Whacky neighbors who walk into other apartments without knocking.

Sweat always appears as sheer, glistening and sprayed on.

Teenage boys never discuss bodily functions.

Men always get shaved by barbers.

Fast car chases.

Nobody in the seat next to anybody on a plane. Or they are always in first class. And the planes leave right on time.

Cab drivers all speak perfect English as do all store proprietors.

Come to think of it, you could make a pretty funny movie just about the things that never happen except in movies. Cast Adam Sandler as the movie star who just wants to be in a real life type movie and Morgan Freeman is the angel/narrator who grants his wish and you have a Hollywood "It's a Wonderful Life" comedy.

Pop in Queen Latifah. She can cover hip, sassy, black and gay.

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

We goin’ largasm with the sargasm, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

NASA has announced the space station has a system that recycles urine for drinking water. It’s an amazing system, it works every single time. Unless the astronauts ate asparagus.

In the way
Insiders claim the reason Hillary Clinton has not been asked to be Secretary of State is because Bill Clinton is standing in her way. Bill Clinton denied standing in Hillary’s way but he did have a chubby intern kneeling in his way.

The drug company XTL’s diabetic pain medication failed in tests. To give you an idea how bad diabetic pain is it is more painful than listening to actors complain about the difficulty of their craft.

That’s what he’s thinking
The “Cosmopolitan” article is “Your Orgasm Face: What He’s Thinking When He Sees It.” What’s he thinking? He’s thinking what the hell is the postman doing on my wife?

In a Miami night club, patrons said hot actress Kate Hudson was shamelessly flirting with New York Yankee, Alex Rodriguez, but that A-Rod was not interested. Of course A-Rod wasn’t interested, everyone knows that, in the Fall, A-Rod can’t hit anything, even that.

In a Miami night club, patrons said Kate Hudson was flirting with Yankee star, Alex Rodriguez, but that A-Rod was not interested. And why would A-Rod be interested in a fun, single 27-year-old-gorgeous and talented actress when he has Madonna, a 50-year-old scary crazy still-married woman waiting at home? This just in: A-Rod is an idiot.

Since you asked:

Hillary Secretary of State? If it was going to happen it would have happened by now.

Barack Obama doesn’t want Hillary Clinton on his cabinet, let alone in the position with the most power, because he knows from working in the Senate – but he shrewdly isn’t saying – that Hillary is not a team player. Hillary is about Hillary just like Bill is about Bill and they would prove to be far more trouble for Obama than it is worth. Abraham Lincoln’s Sec. of State, William Seward, a staunch opponent of Lincoln, would seem like a lap dog in comparison to the Clintons.

But Hillary and Bill desperately want Hillary to be Secretary of State – so they can continue to use their power as leverage against their endless enemies created by their countless misdeeds -- and Obama can’t afford to appear to shun Hillary or embarrass her with a far lesser appointment, or no appointment at all, because she and Bill can still make things miserable for the new administration by going down swinging. And you know they would. They would have nothing to lose.

So what does Obama do? Everyone knows there is a lot of dirt on the Clintons both in terms of personal scandals and where their incomes derive. (Specifically Bill’s covert consulting fees).

Under the guise of diligent vetting, Obama has probably formed a Secretary of State designated dirt disclosing committee with a pit bull in charge to demand full disclosure of all personal and financial information for all candidates. No exceptions. Obviously, the Clintons won’t disclose that information, so, if they don’t disclose it, you can’t appoint Hillary. Problem solved. The old “Make them fire themselves” routine. This way Barack throws his hands in the air saying the Clintons would not cooperate with the committee so he can't appoint her. Meanwhile all the other top positions will have been chosen.

If you want a friend in Washington get a dog. If this is the way it plays out, and I bet it is, watch out for the avalanche of mud-slinging books coming out on the Clintons.

Mon Dieu
No sarcasm intended, but I may have to retreat a little bit on the grief I gave uber-dater (Mick Jagger, Eric Clapton, Donald Trump, Kevin Costner to name a few) Carla Bruni, the French First Lady. Saw her on “TLSWDL” and, well, yaahowzah. Who wouldn’t fall in love with her? She is the real deal, that one. We Americans have some exotic celebrities, like Angelina Jolie, but, to be candid, Jolie couldn’t carry Carla’s Bruni. Yowza cabowzah in the houseah right nowzah. Get a rope and start climbing up one of them there gams right now buddy boy.

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

C’est la vie
In France, pilots, teachers and postal workers are going on strike. In addition, all French etiquette experts, hygienists and military personnel will strike, but it’s doubtful anyone will notice.

Happy Birthday to Prince Charles who is 60; Charles is at that awkward age, too old to start a new career, too young to retire to pasture to graze with Camilla.

Tainted love
The United States will no longer import milk from China. China’s milk is so tainted their milk cartons have pictures of missing health inspectors.

NASA has announced the space station has a system that recycles urine for drinking water. Introducing new zesty flavored Tang.

NASA has announced the space station has a system that recycles urine for drinking water. In a related story, applications for the astronaut training program have plummeted.

Not good
This economy is rough. This morning I saw Paris Hilton standing on a Hollywood Freeway off ramp, holding a sign that said; Will Skank for Food.”

The California wildfires are getting under control. It’s just in time, Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger almost hurt himself. Not in a fire, trying to pronounce the word: conflagration.

Since you asked:

This is the time of year where articles are written to provide helpful holiday tips and we, all the good people here at A.l.B.b., also want to help.

How to enjoy a vegetarian Thanksgiving Dinner.

These days – especially here in California – people are becoming more health conscious. If you are the guest of vegetarians, here are some tips on how to best make it through their healthy and hearty vegetarian dinner.

Step one: walk over to the liquor cabinet. (If these people also don’t drink, run for it. They are obviously minions of some evil cult and they are trying to kidnap you, so get out now)

Step two: drink as much of whatever is in that liquor cabinet until the idea of putting up with pain-in-the-ass vegetarians for three hours doesn’t make you physically ill.

Step three: Grab a burger on your way home and vow to never step foot in those a-holes house again. Seriously, who doesn’t eat turkey on Thanksgiving? Turkeys are dumber than the average vegetable. They are too stupid, loud, smelly and annoying to be good for anything but eating them on Thanksgiving. Hell, the only thing that is more of a pain-in-the-ass than a turkey is a freaking vegetarian.

And that is how we play a.L.B.b. provides helpful holiday tips.

Monday, November 17, 2008

It is so on, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

This stock market is tough. Sunday investors bet on the 0-10 Detroit Lions just so they could lose their money a new and different way.

During his CBS “60 Minutes” interview, Barack Obama said it hasn’t sunk in yet that he is president; to which Hillary Clinton said; “Sheyeah, tell me about it.”

This economy is rough. This morning I saw Paris Hilton standing on a Hollywood Freeway off ramp, holding a sign that said; “Will Skank for Food.”

Dallas Maverick owner, Mark Cuban, is being charged with insider trading by the Securities Exchange Commission. If found guilty, Cuban would face prison time where the term insider trading takes on an entire new meaning with cigarettes and an unfortunate ending for Cuban.

Dallas Maverick owner, Mark Cuban, is being charged with insider trading by the Securities Exchange Commission. This officially makes November, 2008, the worst month ever for Mavericks.

QB Tony Romo, with a bad little finger, led the Cowboys to a 14-10 over the Washington Redskins; Romo’s girlfriend, Jessica Simpson, said she took constant care of Romo’s pinky. When asked if that helped his little finger, Jessica said; “His little finger is also called the pinky?”

Since you asked:
What did your home smell like as a child? Woody Allen said something to the effect his Coney Island apartment smelled like cooked cabbage, guilt and Mahjong tiles.

Our house on Elm street in Winnetka smelled like a freshly vacuumed carpet, Ivory soap and my mom’s Channel with the feint hint of the one cigarette Mom would have before she went to bed.

Howie Detmer’s house smelled like fresh laundry washed with Downey Fabric softener. And Fritos. (Not washed with Fritos, we always had Fritos with lunch)

My Grandmother’s house in Louisville smelled like grits and bacon cooking with Folgers coffee brewing and also a hint of Ivory soap.

One dorky red-headed kid I was frienemies with – before the word was invented – we never got along, I never really liked him, and yet we hung out together during a long stretch of fourth grade, his house smelled like his basement which smelled like a combination mildew and old-man-in-church-dentures-breath. Yuck.

Duncan Judson’s house smelled like a Scottish castle because it was practically a Scottish castle right on the golf course of the Indian Hills Country club. If you want to know what a Scottish castle smells like, it smells like a pool table and big stone fireplace and two Labrador Retrievers and red wine with the feint hint of a roasting garlic lamb.

My first girlfriend, Betsy Fox, her house was very warm and smelled like popcorn and Seven Up. My idea of heaven was curling up with Betsy Fox on the Saturday after my football game drinking Seven Up and eating popcorn and watching a movie. (No, she was no relation to Debbie Fox)

Jim “Woody” Woods house had the smell of a spring day after a shower combined with the good smell of old wood from his Mom’s antique furniture collection. Woody’s attic room smelled like the developing chemicals in his bathroom/darkroom. Not bad, just specific and memorable.

Will “G-Willy” Volkman’s house smelled like his dog, Joe. That is not meant to mean it smelled like a dog. It didn’t. Joe was a cute feisty black curly-haired great mutt who had his own smell that was a nice hint of both dirt and grass and dog biscuits. If you were in the house, Joe was next to you, so that’s what the house smelled like. Even after, bless his heart, Joe was gone. And Spaghetti. Will was always wolfing down a plate before running off to play a hockey game.

My buddy Jeff Lipe's house was nice and warm and white, but I can't remember how it smelled. It sort of smelled like the tension of the pending violent domestic altercation between Jeff and his brother Jay. Jeff's house didn't have a smell as much as it had a sound and that sound was their wonderful dalmatian, Beau, barking after the sound of the china and furniture rattling when they hit the carpet fighting. Beau was deaf and he could still hear it.

One of my old girlfriend’s house had no discernable smell whatsoever. It was so psychotically clean and sterile there was absolutely no olfactory evidence that any humans had ever lived there. That should have been enough of a clue of things-to-come to send me screaming for the hills.

One girl I dated from Winnetka for way too long had her own personal smell. It was warm, clean, familiar and utterly, utterly non-sexual. Like a freshly bathed puppy.

My buddy, Bill Schultz's house smelled like his Dad's cigars and his Mom's corn beef. She was the sweetest, friendliest Irish woman you could ever meet.

If I'm leaving anyone out it's just that most of the houses in Winnetka smelled the same which was a combination of fresh snow, fresh mown grass and money.

Our home? Right now it smells like the pumpkin bread Virg and Ann Caroline baked last night. Normally it smells like candles and roasted garlic – because we have and use a lot of both – and the feint hint of whatever I last barbequed along with the good earthy smell of two chuckle-head Labradors.

Ann Caroline has a great smell. If a giggle had a smell that is what she smells like. AC smells like a sweater, clean hair and love. The other day I walked into her play room to show her how to pull up the “Marley and Me” clips on YouTube – she already knew how to do it, of course – and suddenly, well, it didn’t smell good.

“Ann Caroline, what stinks? Do you need to take a shower?”


“Are you sure?”

“Yes,” she said matter-of-factly, “I just tooted.”

With full parental honesty I can tell you it was not cute, it stunk.

When A.C. becomes president this is the first story I am going to tell to “60 Minutes.”