Thursday, November 20, 2008

How do you suppose Snoop Dog would say the word frizzy, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers?

Deep throat 2
Elliot Spitzer’s hooker, Ashley Dupre, was interviewed in “People” magazine’s “Sexiest Men Alive” issue. It is the only way possible that the name Elliot Spitzer could possibly appear in “People’s Sexiest Men Alive” issue

I don’t want to say Elliot Spitzer is ugly, but he looks like former Pittsburgh Steeler coach Bill Cowher sucking on a lemon.

I’m a sexy maaaaaahhhhn
“People” magazine’s “Sexiest Men Alive” issue is out. Over half the men listed fit the image of the bad boy. If women love a bad boy so much why did Elliot Spitzer have to hire hookers?

“People” magazine’s “Sexiest Men Alive” issue is out. Over half the men listed fit the image of the bad boy. If women love a bad boy so much how Adam “Pacman” Jones has to spend so much money on strippers?

Sure, what’s one more chance out of thirty two?
The NFL is giving Adam “Pacman” Jones one last chance. But they have reiterated that this is his last chance. As I’ve said before, it’s all part of the NFL’s tough new “32 strikes and you’re out” policy.

Why not? Why should it matter that this “Pacman” guy has been in more strip club fights than all of the U.S.’s strip club bouncers combined?

“Pacman” goes free . . . again
The NFL is giving Adam “Pacman” Jones one last chance. That’s a good lesson for kids: obey the laws of society or you will be severely punished, unless, of course, you can cover a wide receiver one-on-one in third and long passing situations.

Not a guy’s guy thang
Being a straight male, the “Twilight” phenomenon fascinates me much in the way dogs like to eat poop fascinates me. They are both mind boggling and yet I have no desire to partake in either.

Since you asked:

Move over Shannen Doherty, there is a new owner of the world’s biggest psycho beyatch who is both wildly undeserving and wholly ungrateful of her fame. In two interviews I’ve seen, this “Twilight” Kristen Stewart is this surly, bratty little art house pseudo-intellectual who is spitting to anyone who will listen about how much she hates being famous. (If you despise fame it is always a good idea to become a movie actress) What a little snotty tool. But she needn’t worry, as soon as people catch on to what a colossal pain-in-the-ass Stewart is, she won’t be famous for much longer. (Remember, though, I'm the idiot who cursed us with 30 years of Madonna because I sad the talentless hack would never cut it) 

And her “Twilight” co-star, Robert Pattinson? You may or may not want to believe that most lead male actors are gay, but if this guy isn’t gay nobody is gay. And this is even giving him the benefit of the “He’s British so he just sounds gay” doubt.

So what if Pattinson is gay? It doesn’t and shouldn’t make any difference to anyone if he is gay. Unless, oh, I don’t know, let’s say some movie studio is spending billions of dollars on a movie to get women to fall in love with him. Then it just might matter if he’s gay. A wee tad. Yah think?

This ‘Twilight” a just modern vampire version of “The Thornbirds.” (At the time no woman wanted to believe Richard Chamberlain was gay either)

So here is a good time to play another rousing game of:

“Things Hollywood Thinks Happen But They Never Actually Do.”

Vampires exist. Everywhere.

Parking spot open in front of a crowded restaurant in a big city.

Firm belief that ridiculously girlishly pretty men are straight. (This might also be a female thing)

The real world has an endless fascination with gay male love stories.

Repeated running from exploding fireballs ending in being catapulted in the air by the explosions impact, but resulting in no injuries whatsoever.

Flying threw huge glass windows resulting in no injuries whatsoever.

Characters coming from a workout in the gym looking fabulous with just a slight one inch half moon ring of sweat under their collar and holding a towel nattily draped around their neck.

Always getting a waiter who makes snide, sarcastic witty remarks. Same with bartenders.

Bartenders who come right up to serve the person who just walked in no matter how crowded the bar.

People who sit down at a restaurant who only eat a bite or two of their food and then leave.

People who order a drink at a bar, take one sip and then leave, tossing a wad of cash on the bar.

The concept of eating and working late at the same time, usually with a carton of Chinese food. (People do eat when they work late, but it’s pizza, not Chinese food, and they stop working long enough to eat it)

Executive types who always have a tumbler of Scotch in their hands but never get drunk.

Drop dead handsome delivery personnel.

Every restaurant and bar is littered with hot babes in short skirts. (In the real world, it is an unwritten law that if hot women see other even hotter women in a bar, they leave that bar)

Men who wake up next to a hot babe after being so drunk they cannot remember how they got there. (Guys, if you were so drunk you blacked out the entire night, you could not have possibly had sex nor could you have scored a hot babe)

No lines anywhere, anytime, including coffee shops.

Polite drivers who drive like they are in a driver’s education film.

No dropped cell phone calls.

No hangovers no matter how drunk the character got the night before.

Children’s rooms are always neat.

Shirts are pressed and ties are spotless.

Dogs are always well-behaved.

A group of people who stand around talking in a circle so the camera can do a Scorsese circle-pan.

A group of four people or more who walk down the sidewalk side-by-side in a straight line in slow motion, again, Scorsese-like.

Coffee pots are always full.

Underwear is always fancy and impeccable.

Beautiful lovers stand adoringly in the pouring rain and look fabulous doing it.

Mob members who are articulate and well-spoken. (Kudos to the “Sopranos” for not using this)

New York cops are always funny, clever and droll.

Every white lead has a sassy and hip black best friend.

Every straight guy has a sassy and hip gay friend.

Whacky neighbors who walk into other apartments without knocking.

Sweat always appears as sheer, glistening and sprayed on.

Teenage boys never discuss bodily functions.

Men always get shaved by barbers.

Fast car chases.

Nobody in the seat next to anybody on a plane. Or they are always in first class. And the planes leave right on time.

Cab drivers all speak perfect English as do all store proprietors.

Come to think of it, you could make a pretty funny movie just about the things that never happen except in movies. Cast Adam Sandler as the movie star who just wants to be in a real life type movie and Morgan Freeman is the angel/narrator who grants his wish and you have a Hollywood "It's a Wonderful Life" comedy.

Pop in Queen Latifah. She can cover hip, sassy, black and gay.