Wednesday, November 19, 2008

We goin’ largasm with the sargasm, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

NASA has announced the space station has a system that recycles urine for drinking water. It’s an amazing system, it works every single time. Unless the astronauts ate asparagus.

In the way
Insiders claim the reason Hillary Clinton has not been asked to be Secretary of State is because Bill Clinton is standing in her way. Bill Clinton denied standing in Hillary’s way but he did have a chubby intern kneeling in his way.

The drug company XTL’s diabetic pain medication failed in tests. To give you an idea how bad diabetic pain is it is more painful than listening to actors complain about the difficulty of their craft.

That’s what he’s thinking
The “Cosmopolitan” article is “Your Orgasm Face: What He’s Thinking When He Sees It.” What’s he thinking? He’s thinking what the hell is the postman doing on my wife?

In a Miami night club, patrons said hot actress Kate Hudson was shamelessly flirting with New York Yankee, Alex Rodriguez, but that A-Rod was not interested. Of course A-Rod wasn’t interested, everyone knows that, in the Fall, A-Rod can’t hit anything, even that.

In a Miami night club, patrons said Kate Hudson was flirting with Yankee star, Alex Rodriguez, but that A-Rod was not interested. And why would A-Rod be interested in a fun, single 27-year-old-gorgeous and talented actress when he has Madonna, a 50-year-old scary crazy still-married woman waiting at home? This just in: A-Rod is an idiot.

Since you asked:

Hillary Secretary of State? If it was going to happen it would have happened by now.

Barack Obama doesn’t want Hillary Clinton on his cabinet, let alone in the position with the most power, because he knows from working in the Senate – but he shrewdly isn’t saying – that Hillary is not a team player. Hillary is about Hillary just like Bill is about Bill and they would prove to be far more trouble for Obama than it is worth. Abraham Lincoln’s Sec. of State, William Seward, a staunch opponent of Lincoln, would seem like a lap dog in comparison to the Clintons.

But Hillary and Bill desperately want Hillary to be Secretary of State – so they can continue to use their power as leverage against their endless enemies created by their countless misdeeds -- and Obama can’t afford to appear to shun Hillary or embarrass her with a far lesser appointment, or no appointment at all, because she and Bill can still make things miserable for the new administration by going down swinging. And you know they would. They would have nothing to lose.

So what does Obama do? Everyone knows there is a lot of dirt on the Clintons both in terms of personal scandals and where their incomes derive. (Specifically Bill’s covert consulting fees).

Under the guise of diligent vetting, Obama has probably formed a Secretary of State designated dirt disclosing committee with a pit bull in charge to demand full disclosure of all personal and financial information for all candidates. No exceptions. Obviously, the Clintons won’t disclose that information, so, if they don’t disclose it, you can’t appoint Hillary. Problem solved. The old “Make them fire themselves” routine. This way Barack throws his hands in the air saying the Clintons would not cooperate with the committee so he can't appoint her. Meanwhile all the other top positions will have been chosen.

If you want a friend in Washington get a dog. If this is the way it plays out, and I bet it is, watch out for the avalanche of mud-slinging books coming out on the Clintons.

Mon Dieu
No sarcasm intended, but I may have to retreat a little bit on the grief I gave uber-dater (Mick Jagger, Eric Clapton, Donald Trump, Kevin Costner to name a few) Carla Bruni, the French First Lady. Saw her on “TLSWDL” and, well, yaahowzah. Who wouldn’t fall in love with her? She is the real deal, that one. We Americans have some exotic celebrities, like Angelina Jolie, but, to be candid, Jolie couldn’t carry Carla’s Bruni. Yowza cabowzah in the houseah right nowzah. Get a rope and start climbing up one of them there gams right now buddy boy.