Saturday, November 15, 2008

We do how we do how we do how we doooooooooooo, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Dick Cheney gave Joe Biden a tour of the V.P. residence; there was one awkward moment when Cheney caught Biden using the defibrillator paddles to shock his hair plugs into growing.

Oh goody
Barack Obama’s daughters are big fans of “Hanna Montana” and they want to meet the star, Miley Cyrus. In a related story, President Bush is still dying to meet Spongebob Squarepants.

In an interview, Lindsay Lohan said she may be bi-sexual; this news was so shocking it knocked three guys and two girls right off of Lindsay’s bed.

This news was so shocking to Lindsay’s scary girlfriend, Samantha Ronson, she nearly fell off of her Harley Davidson.

Enough already
Sadly, Mitch Mitchell, Jimi Hendrix’s drummer, died at 62. Mitchell’s gravestone is marked with the phrase, “For the last time, yes, I was Jimi Hendrix’s drummer and, yes, I was white.”

A preacher did what?
A Texas preacher challenged his married followers to have sex for seven days in a row. It was a little awkward when he had to remind them not to start until they got home from church.

One husband got in a lot of trouble when he asked his wife who she was going to have sex with for the week.

Tough times
Man, this economy is rough. Today ex-New York Gov. Elliot Spitzer could only afford to have sex with a blow up hooker doll.

Nice tribute
In honor of Barack Obama, the Hollywood Blvd hookers are offering a special, for an extra $100, they will answer all questions with “Yes we can.”

Since you asked:

Saw some of the clips from “Marley and Me” and it looks pretty true to the book. But who knows? The puppy and grown up dog are very similar to our crazy Wrigley. Poor Kasey, we had no idea how good she was until we got the dunderheadiest dog in the world, Mister Wrigley Telluride Kaseberg.

Kasey is doing great for her time, 13 years, and lord knows when that little look-of-worried-concern-honey-bear goes I am going to get all Mister Bojangles:

“He spoke through tears how in fifteen years his dog and him traveled about

The dog up and died, he up and died. After twenty years he still grieves.”

But there is something about an unruly mischievous boy dog, like Wrigley and Marley, that is both captivating, hilarious as well as often infuriating.

Did I tell you about Virg’s turtle?

For some reason Virg loves this big, ugly stone turtle sculpture. I hate it. It is as big as a huge tortoise and guess who has to lug it around when it has to be moved? Me. It isn’t as tacky as a lawn gnome but it ain’t far away.

Guess who, when he is let outside from his bed in the garage, runs right over to the turtle and pees on its head? Mr. Wrigley T. Now he can do it on command:

“Go pee on Virg’s turtle, Wrigley. Das’ a gooooood boyyyyy”

And, getting back to “M&M” Jennifer Anniston is hot. (Or Jen-Jen as I call her) She was good on “30 Rock” but when she wore the French maid outfit with the garter belt. Two words: Damn and it.

Man, did Jen-Jen nail here character on “30 Rock.” In my single days I had a weakness for and was lucky/unfortunate enough to have dated several of the same types: pretty but wildly insecure selfish drama queens who are only interested in dating men who were unavailable or uninterested in them. They are loads of fun and terrible trouble at the same time and it never works out because it can’t. If you fall for them they want out.

They finally end up pulling a “Lyin’ Eyes” and marry an old rich dude and then cheat on him like crazy. For some reason, like my Jen-Jen, they all seem to have amazing legs. Woof. Jen-Jen is beautiful but she is also really cute. Whereas Angelina is beautiful but not cute, more scary.

Friday, November 14, 2008

We got to throw down the low down up in this hoe down, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Working title
Plans are underway to make a “Sex and the City” sequel; the girls are getting up there, the working title of the next “Sex and the City”? “Hot flashes in the Suburbs.”

Too bad
Starbucks reports its profits are down 97% from last year; it is so bad here in L.A., they closed the Wilshire Starbucks that opened inside of another Wilshire Starbucks.

On MSNBC Joe Scarborough dropped a live F-bomb on the air; it’s the biggest F-bomb dropped since Britney Spears dumped Kevin Federline.

How bad is it?
This economy is rough. In Bel Air, a hot divorce’ actually made her pool boy clean her pool.

This economy is rough. In Hollywood, a producer had to fire his personal tooth brusher.

The economy is rough. In Malibu, a rap star had to fire his personal bling polisher.

The economy is rough. In Encino, a porn star had to fire his fluffer’s personal assistant.

The economy is rough. In Century City, an entertainment attorney could only afford a Costco coffin to sleep in during the day.

The economy is rough. In Marina Del Ray, an aging swinger could only afford a polyester toupee.

The economy is rough. In New York, Donald Trump had to fire the personal trainer of that thing on his head.

The economy is rough. Matthew McConaughey lost the shirt he wasn’t wearing in the stock market.

Ouch, so mean
Barack Obama is trying to figure out what kind of dog to get. Many suggest he should get a female dog, but Barack said; “Nah, if I wanted a bitch I’d have selected Hillary as my VP.”

Since you asked:
One thing that made a lasting impact on me this year was Alcatraz. Although I’ve been to San Francisco many times (No city has better smells: it is a heady mix of burning cable car brakes, sea air fog, boiling shrimp, sourdough bread and the dried fish and firecracker smell of Chinatown) and I love San Francisco, but it never occurred that going to Alcatraz was worth doing. But then, on a trip to a soccer tournament this summer, a bunch of parents wanted to go with our kids. So I said what the hell?

Alcatraz is wild. Go.

First of all you take a boat – as you can imagine, I over did the “hopping on a ferry in San Francisco” jokes – the boat trip is cool enough itself. It gives you an amazing view of San Francisco. It is mind boggling to imagine being a prisoner on that same short voyage. And these just weren’t any prisoners. There is a sign that says something to the effect: “If you go bad in society, you go to prison. If you go bad in prison, you go to Alcatraz.”

Al Capone made a big impact along with “Machine Gun” Kelly and “Baby Face” Nelson. And did you know the birdman of Alcatraz didn’t have any birds? And, from what I read in his biography, he was a genius – spoke five languages – and was, quite possibly, the most irritating personality that ever lived. Capone just killed people. This guy was agitating.

The buildings are kept up enough just to look decrepit. You know how I claim cities have their prime era indelibly marked on them? LA? The fifties. New York? The forties. Chicago? The roaring thirties. San Francisco? The early 1900’s.

Well Alcatraz has the early fifties stamped on so much you feel like you went back in time. Plus, as you take the tour you see pictures from the forties and fifties and you hear voices of prisoners and guards who use the expressions and slang of the fifties. “Say, who’s that hip cat, see?”

As I have more than my share of claustrophobia, standing in one of the solitary confinement cells was more than I could stand for one minute. I would not make it one day of the thirty or so they were sentenced.

There was one truly sweet moment on the prison tour when my angelic daughter Ann Caroline –who was just in front of me as she had excitedly started her audio tour tape a good ten seconds before me – A.C.’s eyes suddenly lit up and she smiled the happiest smile and chuckle you’ve ever seen and she looked right over at me with great affection and, my tape being ten seconds behind, I didn’t know why.

It turned out to be a guy playing the harmonica in his cell.

It made me all at once happy, proud and very sad to think, when I am gone –knock on wood, not for a long time – that my daughter might get really, really sad when she hears a harmonica.

But eventually it will make her happy again.

It was soon after that heartwarming/breaking moment when the tape featured one of the former prisoners talking about being called to the visitor’s room. He saw a pretty young women and wondered who it was. Turned out to be his daughter whom he hadn’t seen since she was a baby.

The thought of that was more than I could take. Far worse than the cell. Who would have thought visiting a notorious men’s prison would turn into a love letter to your family?

Maybe I won’t be so hard on A.C. the next time she is late coming out of school or forgets to tie her shoelace.

P.S. Just saw Russell Brand on “LSWDL” and that guy is nuts. Funny, but nuts. What is the deal with those hip Brits like him and David Beckham and the naked chef guy - and pronouncing Th? They pronounce th as an F. So thirty three if firty free. They sound like gay three-year-olds.

Thursday, November 13, 2008

Word of warning, we went a little bluer than usual, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Jersey Drunk
A drunk New Jersey politician was arrested for urinating on people from the balcony of a Washington DC night club. Or as they call urinating on people in Washington: the Bush administration.

The bad news is the peeing politician faces jail time, the good news is he got a nice invitation to a late brunch at Idaho Senator Larry Craig’s house.

This guy put the piss in Parsippany, New Jersey.

New term
A 23-year-old man in England died of a heart attack from being too excited by an online porno site; this brings a whole new meaning to the term getting whacked.


A US secret service agent was arrested for soliciting sex from an undercover D.C. policewoman. In his defense he was getting sentimental about not being able to work with Bush anymore.

How bad is it?
The economy is so bad, Rite Aid might have to close some stores. Not all stores, just the Rite Aids that are next door to another Rite Aid.

This economy is so bad, a Wall Street executive could only afford a massage with a moderately contended ending.

This economy is so bad, Britney Spears finally put on panties only to lose them in the stock market.

This economy is so bad, Donald Trump had to fire the personal assistant of that thing on his head.

This economy is so bad, the government had to give a bail out package to the squirrel in Central Park that can’t sell his nuts.

Since you asked:

Somebody on “TTSWJL” staff used to monitor this blog, but, since I somehow lost the service that tracks my blog, I don’t know if they still do. Either way, this is not meant to blow smoke up Leno’s skirt.

But in his autobiography, “Leading With My Chin” Leno wrote about some of his god-awful early gigs. One early in his career and he only had a 30 minute act, a Boston sorority hired him to do several nights in a row for finals study breaks. After they had heard his act repeated a couple times they got upset and threw garbage. But being a pro, Leno went through each night anyway.

Or the time he got cold-cocked by a drunk and knocked out onstage when he opened for a stripper in a huge champagne glass.

Did it ever occur to Leno then that he would be the first and only talk show host to have the losing republican candidate right after one of the most important elections of our nation’s history?

That is pretty cool.

One of the great Hollywood stories is the one Leno tells of getting his star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame on almost the exact spot where, decades earlier, he was arrested for vagrancy. No lie, he had just moved out from Boston and had no place to live. The cops asked if he had an apartment, he said no, and they arrested him.

Now the guy hasn’t had to spend a dime of his about $30-mil-a-year “TTSWJL” salary because he makes so much doing Las Vegas and corporate gigs.

And this is a guy who has a full-time mechanic on his staff who only works with steam-powered cars.

One of the greatest stories told on a talk show was when Conan O’Brien was a guest of Jay’s and reminisced about the night he met Jay.

Conan had just been hired by NBC to do “Late Night” and they flew him out to Los Angeles for meetings with execs. Leno called O’Brien and invited him over for dinner and offered to pick him up at Conan’s hotel. O’Brien had one request: He wanted Leno pick him up in the wildest, oldest contraption of a car he owned. Leno agreed.

O’Brien was waiting outside the hotel when here comes a goggle-wearing Leno on this open-air, steam-powered wheezing calliope that looked to Conan like a moving cotton gin. So Conan climbs on board and then remarks that you have to realize he and Leno have the two biggest heads in all of television, so there they are looking like two Macy’s parade float heads on top of this loud, gyrating ancient contraption. O’Brien said people on the sidewalks actually pointed and screamed.

So they have a nice dinner and Leno asks Conan to watch a movie he has to screen before the show the next day. Next thing O’Brien knows he hears this snoring. He looks over and Jay is out cold asleep. Now Conan is panicked. He knows he can’t shovel coal into and drive that locomotive on wheels but he doesn’t want to wake his host because, as everyone in Hollywood knows, there is nothing more dangerous than waking a sleeping Leno.

Leno finally wakes up and drives Conan back to the hotel where Conan had waiting a room full of $1,000-a-night hookers, champagne and a huge cache of drugs.

OK, I made that last part up.

He probably just had a beer and watched Spanktravision.

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

We gonna get trog on this blog, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

More sexist jokes
Scientists are saying that the testosterone patch could help women increase their sex drive. Although the testosterone patch could help their sex drive, women will have a marked decrease in their ability to ask for directions and to put down the toilet seat.

What could happen?
The Comedy Festival will be at Caesar’s Palace in Las Vegas November 20-22. Andy Dick and Tracy Morgan in Las Vegas on an expense account. Gosh, what could possibly go wrong there?

Basketball player Barack Obama is the latest in a long line of athletic presidents, Gerald Ford was a Michigan football star, Jimmy Carter was a runner, Ronald Reagan was a lifeguard, George H.W. Bush was a Yale short stop, Clinton was a runner and President Bush was an exercise in futility.

Attack dog
Last week, President Bush’s dog, Barney, bit a reporter. This was the worst attack by a president’s dog since an intern was attacked by Bill Clinton’s dog Buddy. Buddy didn’t bite the woman, but he did furiously hump her leg.

This is a fascinating time in presidential history, right now Barack Obama is our president elect, while President Bush is our president a wreck.

We kid the Camilla
In France, Prince Charles was kept waiting because French President Nicolas Sarkozy was late for a war tribute for English soldiers. French first lady Carli Bruni stood next to Camilla Parker Bowles in an accidental rendition of “Beauty and the Beast.”

Nice remodel
Barack Obama has said he is going to build a basketball court in the White House. It will replace Dick Cheney’s water-boarding torture dungeon.

In France, Prince Charles was kept waiting because French President Nicolas Sarkozy was late for a war tribute for English soldiers. In Sarkozy’s defense, it was a miracle any of the French showed up to anything with the word war in the title.
That’s so bitchin’ it’s makin’ me itchin’, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

The new James Bond movie opens this weekend and it’s titled “Quantum of Solace.” “I’ll take “Titles President Bush doesn’t understand” for $500, Alex.”

There’s no love loss between republican leaders and Sarah Palin. Both sides are trying to make nice, but I’m not sure; today republicans asked Dick Cheney to take Palin moose hunting.

President Bush gave President elect, Barack Obama, a tour of the White House. It was a little awkward, when Obama asked Bush what his biggest challenge was in the Oval Office, Bush replied; “That time mean ol’ Dick Cheney told me to find the penny in the corner."

“The View” hosts Joy Bahar and Elisabeth Hasselback are not speaking to each other. This marks the first time the words “The View” hosts and not speaking have ever been used together.

Archeologists have found a 4,300 year-old tomb. Excuse me, I’m getting emotional, I miss my ludicrous John McCain-is-so-old joke references.

Archeologists have found a 4,300 year-old Egyptian tomb. Upon hearing this, John McCain said; “So that is where house #8 is.”

Last week, President Bush’s dog, Barney, bit a reporter. This was the worst attack by a president’s dog since an intern was mauled by Bill Clinton’s dog Buddy. Clinton’s dog Buddy didn’t bite the woman but he did furiously hump her leg.

Reports are that Oprah Winfrey may leave her show in three years. Oprah would like to continue but by three years she will have collected all of the money in the world.

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

We gonna drop some 411 on this here this here, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Barack Obama has to delegate responsibilities during the transition. For example, he asked his 7-year-old daughter, Sasha, to explain to President Bush what the words delegate, responsibilities and transition mean.

Did you see all the famous black people crying during Barack Obama’s acceptance speech? Oprah was crying, Jesse Jackson was crying, Spike Lee was crying. I haven’t seen that many black people crying since Pat Boone covered Little Richard’s “Tutti Frutti.”

Barack Obama said, because of his daughter’s allergies, he has to get a hypoallergenic dog; it was awkward, president Bush offered to help Barack get a hypoallergenic dog by personally contacting the President of the fine country of Hypoallergenia.

Everyone wonders what the new first puppy will be, some say it will be combination poodle and Labrador to form a Labradoodle. Or Barack could get a dog to remind him of the Bush administration by combining a Bull Terrier with a Shih Tzu to from a Bull Shih Tzu.

Last week, President Bush’s dog, Barney, bit a reporter. The reporter is fine, but Barney is suffering from a severe case of smug liberal elitism. Today, Barney refused to fetch a ball for President Bush because he is from Texas, a hick red state.

During the NFL games, Bud Light advertises their beer’s drinkability. Drinkability is important because those other beers that are not in a liquid form aren’t nearly as good.

Prosecutors are not going to bring charges against former New Gov. Eliot Spitzer for his part in the prostitution scandal; Spitzer was so relieved he hired a hooker named Joy.

The McCain camp says that, during a briefing, Sarah Palin referred to the country of Africa; to which president Bush said; “That’s silly, everyone knows it’s the nation of Africa. Duh.”

The big question is what kind of dog Barack Obama is going to get and what will be its name. I’m not sure the breed, but I think we can rule out the names Hillary, Cheney, and George.

Since you asked:

Rattling around in my head is the first vague recollection that maybe I was getting older. It was a couple years after college, circa 1983, and I was living in a Bohemian studio apartment on West Third in New York and I was perusing the latest “Rolling Stone” magazine. On the back were the top songs and artists. For the first time in my life I did not know who some of them were. Knight Ranger? Ratt? Just what are these punk kids listening to?

As with most things to do with aging, my knowledge of those lists has gotten worse and worse. Now I am happy if I even recognize an artist or song. My life is at a point where the list of things I have no idea about is at an all time high: Facebook? What the . . .? “Gossip Girl”? “The Hills”? Are these actors or people or what? What the hell is a celebutant? The Jonas Brothers? Are they a thing that lives? Is Hannah Montana Miley Cyrus or vice versa? Hannah Cyrus? "Twilight"? Got zero cognition.

And what the hell were the Eagles -or what is left of them - doing on the Country Music Awards? People, I want some answers or I will be toting somebody’s tookus in my rucksack as of five-after-pronto, capice?