Saturday, November 15, 2008

We do how we do how we do how we doooooooooooo, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Dick Cheney gave Joe Biden a tour of the V.P. residence; there was one awkward moment when Cheney caught Biden using the defibrillator paddles to shock his hair plugs into growing.

Oh goody
Barack Obama’s daughters are big fans of “Hanna Montana” and they want to meet the star, Miley Cyrus. In a related story, President Bush is still dying to meet Spongebob Squarepants.

In an interview, Lindsay Lohan said she may be bi-sexual; this news was so shocking it knocked three guys and two girls right off of Lindsay’s bed.

This news was so shocking to Lindsay’s scary girlfriend, Samantha Ronson, she nearly fell off of her Harley Davidson.

Enough already
Sadly, Mitch Mitchell, Jimi Hendrix’s drummer, died at 62. Mitchell’s gravestone is marked with the phrase, “For the last time, yes, I was Jimi Hendrix’s drummer and, yes, I was white.”

A preacher did what?
A Texas preacher challenged his married followers to have sex for seven days in a row. It was a little awkward when he had to remind them not to start until they got home from church.

One husband got in a lot of trouble when he asked his wife who she was going to have sex with for the week.

Tough times
Man, this economy is rough. Today ex-New York Gov. Elliot Spitzer could only afford to have sex with a blow up hooker doll.

Nice tribute
In honor of Barack Obama, the Hollywood Blvd hookers are offering a special, for an extra $100, they will answer all questions with “Yes we can.”

Since you asked:

Saw some of the clips from “Marley and Me” and it looks pretty true to the book. But who knows? The puppy and grown up dog are very similar to our crazy Wrigley. Poor Kasey, we had no idea how good she was until we got the dunderheadiest dog in the world, Mister Wrigley Telluride Kaseberg.

Kasey is doing great for her time, 13 years, and lord knows when that little look-of-worried-concern-honey-bear goes I am going to get all Mister Bojangles:

“He spoke through tears how in fifteen years his dog and him traveled about

The dog up and died, he up and died. After twenty years he still grieves.”

But there is something about an unruly mischievous boy dog, like Wrigley and Marley, that is both captivating, hilarious as well as often infuriating.

Did I tell you about Virg’s turtle?

For some reason Virg loves this big, ugly stone turtle sculpture. I hate it. It is as big as a huge tortoise and guess who has to lug it around when it has to be moved? Me. It isn’t as tacky as a lawn gnome but it ain’t far away.

Guess who, when he is let outside from his bed in the garage, runs right over to the turtle and pees on its head? Mr. Wrigley T. Now he can do it on command:

“Go pee on Virg’s turtle, Wrigley. Das’ a gooooood boyyyyy”

And, getting back to “M&M” Jennifer Anniston is hot. (Or Jen-Jen as I call her) She was good on “30 Rock” but when she wore the French maid outfit with the garter belt. Two words: Damn and it.

Man, did Jen-Jen nail here character on “30 Rock.” In my single days I had a weakness for and was lucky/unfortunate enough to have dated several of the same types: pretty but wildly insecure selfish drama queens who are only interested in dating men who were unavailable or uninterested in them. They are loads of fun and terrible trouble at the same time and it never works out because it can’t. If you fall for them they want out.

They finally end up pulling a “Lyin’ Eyes” and marry an old rich dude and then cheat on him like crazy. For some reason, like my Jen-Jen, they all seem to have amazing legs. Woof. Jen-Jen is beautiful but she is also really cute. Whereas Angelina is beautiful but not cute, more scary.