Thursday, November 13, 2008

Word of warning, we went a little bluer than usual, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Jersey Drunk
A drunk New Jersey politician was arrested for urinating on people from the balcony of a Washington DC night club. Or as they call urinating on people in Washington: the Bush administration.

The bad news is the peeing politician faces jail time, the good news is he got a nice invitation to a late brunch at Idaho Senator Larry Craig’s house.

This guy put the piss in Parsippany, New Jersey.

New term
A 23-year-old man in England died of a heart attack from being too excited by an online porno site; this brings a whole new meaning to the term getting whacked.


A US secret service agent was arrested for soliciting sex from an undercover D.C. policewoman. In his defense he was getting sentimental about not being able to work with Bush anymore.

How bad is it?
The economy is so bad, Rite Aid might have to close some stores. Not all stores, just the Rite Aids that are next door to another Rite Aid.

This economy is so bad, a Wall Street executive could only afford a massage with a moderately contended ending.

This economy is so bad, Britney Spears finally put on panties only to lose them in the stock market.

This economy is so bad, Donald Trump had to fire the personal assistant of that thing on his head.

This economy is so bad, the government had to give a bail out package to the squirrel in Central Park that can’t sell his nuts.

Since you asked:

Somebody on “TTSWJL” staff used to monitor this blog, but, since I somehow lost the service that tracks my blog, I don’t know if they still do. Either way, this is not meant to blow smoke up Leno’s skirt.

But in his autobiography, “Leading With My Chin” Leno wrote about some of his god-awful early gigs. One early in his career and he only had a 30 minute act, a Boston sorority hired him to do several nights in a row for finals study breaks. After they had heard his act repeated a couple times they got upset and threw garbage. But being a pro, Leno went through each night anyway.

Or the time he got cold-cocked by a drunk and knocked out onstage when he opened for a stripper in a huge champagne glass.

Did it ever occur to Leno then that he would be the first and only talk show host to have the losing republican candidate right after one of the most important elections of our nation’s history?

That is pretty cool.

One of the great Hollywood stories is the one Leno tells of getting his star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame on almost the exact spot where, decades earlier, he was arrested for vagrancy. No lie, he had just moved out from Boston and had no place to live. The cops asked if he had an apartment, he said no, and they arrested him.

Now the guy hasn’t had to spend a dime of his about $30-mil-a-year “TTSWJL” salary because he makes so much doing Las Vegas and corporate gigs.

And this is a guy who has a full-time mechanic on his staff who only works with steam-powered cars.

One of the greatest stories told on a talk show was when Conan O’Brien was a guest of Jay’s and reminisced about the night he met Jay.

Conan had just been hired by NBC to do “Late Night” and they flew him out to Los Angeles for meetings with execs. Leno called O’Brien and invited him over for dinner and offered to pick him up at Conan’s hotel. O’Brien had one request: He wanted Leno pick him up in the wildest, oldest contraption of a car he owned. Leno agreed.

O’Brien was waiting outside the hotel when here comes a goggle-wearing Leno on this open-air, steam-powered wheezing calliope that looked to Conan like a moving cotton gin. So Conan climbs on board and then remarks that you have to realize he and Leno have the two biggest heads in all of television, so there they are looking like two Macy’s parade float heads on top of this loud, gyrating ancient contraption. O’Brien said people on the sidewalks actually pointed and screamed.

So they have a nice dinner and Leno asks Conan to watch a movie he has to screen before the show the next day. Next thing O’Brien knows he hears this snoring. He looks over and Jay is out cold asleep. Now Conan is panicked. He knows he can’t shovel coal into and drive that locomotive on wheels but he doesn’t want to wake his host because, as everyone in Hollywood knows, there is nothing more dangerous than waking a sleeping Leno.

Leno finally wakes up and drives Conan back to the hotel where Conan had waiting a room full of $1,000-a-night hookers, champagne and a huge cache of drugs.

OK, I made that last part up.

He probably just had a beer and watched Spanktravision.