Friday, August 22, 2008

We gonna do dat funky- unky spunky monkey, up in here, up in here, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Wait until he is really motiviated
In the Beijing Olympics, Jamaica’s Usain Bolt set a world record in the 200 meters after setting one in the 100 meters. You think he’s fast now? Wait until he has airport security chasing him when they find out his first name is Usain.

Who knew?
Now that the US is disqualified, Jamaica is the overall favorite to win the 4 x 100 relay gold medal. It is interesting because Jamaica is a word the
Arawakan-speaking Taíno inhabitants named the island which, Jamaica translated into English is: Kicking The US’s Ass.”

You punks get off my lawn
Barack Obama slammed John McCain for being out of touch; to which McCain angrily replied, “Oh, fiddlesticks, all you whippersnappers know about is jitterbugging to your Hi Fi.”

Uh, no Sir, that’s not, oh forget it
American Bryan Clay won the gold medal in the Decathlon; it was a little awkward when they asked President Bush what he thought about the Decathlon, he said; “Well, I think you should only get a Decathlon if you absolutely have to have your Cathlon removed.”

Is this a great event or what?
At the Beijing Olympics, Misty May-Traenor and Kerry Walsh defeated China to win the gold medal in women’s beach volleyball in the pouring rain. How many chances to you get to see a great beach volleyball gold medal win and a wet t-shirt contest at the same time?

And recessed lighting and window treatments
In Chicago they are conducting a study of gay brothers to determine if homosexuality is caused by DNA. Prior to this it was believed homosexuality was caused by spray tanning, teeth whitening, hair frosting, body waxing and wearing way too many fashion accessories.

UCSB Rules! Well, It rules Colgate, Colorado College, Tulane and many, many others, anywho.

We're number 44, we're number 44! What with the names ahead of us on this list, I can't argue. It does kill me that USC and NYU are ahead of UCSB. That is flat wrong. And there will be no living with comedy writing/political and sports genius, Janice Hough, when she sees her school is #4.

1. Harvard University (Cambridge, Mass.) 2. Princeton University (Princeton, N.J.) 3. Yale University (New Haven, Conn.) 4. Massachusetts Institute of Technology (Cambridge, Mass.) 4. Stanford University (Stanford, Calif.) 6. California Institute of Technology (Pasadena, Calif.) 6. University of Pennsylvania (Philadelphia, Penn.) 8. Columbia University (New York, N.Y.) 8. Duke University (Durham, N.C.) 8. University of Chicago (Chicago, Ill.) 11. Dartmouth College (Hanover, N.H.) 12. Northwestern University (Evanston, Ill.) 12. Washington University (St. Louis, Mo.) 14. Cornell University (Ithaca, N.Y.) 15. Johns Hopkins University (Baltimore, Md.) 16. Brown University (Providence, R.I.) 17. Rice University (Houston, Texas) 18. Emory University (Atlanta, Ga.) 18. University of Notre Dame (Notre Dame, Ind.) 18. Vanderbilt University (Nashville, Tenn.) 21. University of California-Berkeley (Berkeley, Calif.) 22. Carnegie Mellon University (Pittsburgh, Penn.) 23. Georgetown University (Washington, D.C.) 23. University of Virginia (Charlottesville, Va.) 25. University of California-Los Angeles (Los Angeles, Calif.) 26. University of Michigan-Ann Arbor (Ann Arbor, Mich.) 27. University of Southern California (Los Angeles, Calif.) 28. Tufts University (Medford, Mass.) 28. Wake Forest University (Winston-Salem, N.C.) 30. University of North Carolina-Chapel Hill (Chapel Hill, N.C.) 31. Brandeis University (Waltham, Mass.) 32. College of William and Mary (Williamsburg, Va.) 33. New York University (New York, N.Y.) 34. Boston College (Chestnut Hill, Mass.) 35. Georgia Institute of Technology (Atlanta, Ga.) 35. Lehigh University (Bethlehem, Penn.) 35. University of California-San Diego (La Jolla, Calif.) 35. University of Rochester (Rochester, N.Y.) 35. University of Wisconsin-Madison (Madison, Wis.) 40. University of Illinois-Urbana-Champaign (Champaign, Ill.) 41. Case Western Reserve University (Cleveland, Ohio) 41. Rensselaer Polytechnic Institute (Troy, N.Y.) 41. University of Washington (Seattle, Wash.) 44. University of California-Davis (Davis, Calif.) 44. University of California-Irvine (Irvine, Calif.) 44. University of California-Santa Barbara (Santa Barbara, Calif.)

Had a former short-term high school squeeze who was -probably still is - an insufferable Colgate alum. (She was insufferable about most things, but this was a biggie)

Our Senior year in HS, to get back at me after I broke up with her for a younger woman, a Junior, she tortured me endlessly on how wonderful her SAT's and GPA were and how I was doomed to be an utter failure. (OK, so I might be a failure, but I'm not an utter one) Geeze, I'm looking, but I don't see Colgate on this list. Not anywhere in the top 50. Neither wise Tulane nor Colorado College for that matter. De Pauw? Not so much. Now aint that a pity?

Neeeee haaaaw. Go Gaucho Gold!
(Oh yeah, throwin' down wit da Snoopy dance, transitioning into the butter churn, start that chainsaw, drive the bus, let 'em in, puttin' my hands in the air like I just don't care, Disco Travolta, Disco Travolta and Madonna, Madonna, spin, starburst, Tiffany-side-kick-quick-feet and finish with the kick turn and flourish)

Ouch, my back.

Wednesday, August 20, 2008

The bottom line is that, at this point in time, our paradigm is synergistic to our client-synched customer-centric scenario, em kay, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers?

A storm by any other name
Tropical storm Fay continues to hit Florida. That is my secret phobia, getting killed by a storm with a silly name. “He died in a storm? How awful, which one? Tropical Storm Buffy? Ha!”

Uh, no Sir, that’s not, oh forget it
President Bush met Michael Phelps at the Olympics and touched his gold medal; there was an embarrassing moment when Bush suggested Phelps should have his medal bronzed.

Not a total loss
Remember the scientists who claimed they found Big Foot frozen in ice? Turns out it was just a rubber monkey suit. But it wasn’t a total loss. Jimmy Hoffa was wearing the monkey suit.

For a limited time
The Michael Phelps trading card is going for $500. Act now and you can collect the entire 4 x 100 USA freestyle gold medal relay team trading cards of Michael Phelps and those three other guys for $501.

What has he done lately?
The endorsement offers are pouring in for Michael Phelps. Honestly, I can’t see why. The guy hasn’t won a gold medal in over three days.

Way to put a pretty bow on the package, Lex
Michael Phelps eats 12,000 calories a day, five times more than the average adult male. So Phelps doesn’t just spend a lot of time at the pool, he’s also busy dropping his kids off at the pool.

Tuesday, August 19, 2008

This just in:

Now, I don’t want to say the Chinese women’s gymnast, He Kexin, is younger than the 16-year-old Olympic age minimum, but her pre-Olympic bio-video clip was a sonogram.

No, Lex, tell us how you really feel
After winning a great silver medal in the Olympics, US pole vaulter, Jenn Stuczynski, got an angry rebuke from her coach, Rick Suhr. See now, I missed the part where the coach physically assisted on her vaults, because, to me, it looked like he was just sitting on his big dumb fat ass watching her amazing efforts just like everyone else.
God speed, Blazin’ Bessie, she was a good ol’ grillin’ gal, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

At the Beijing Olympics, there was an ironic twist in women’s beach volley ball: the US waxed Brazil. Misty May-Traenor and Kerry Walsh destroyed a great Brazil team, 21-12, 21-14 in a game that many thought Brazil would give the US a close shave.

In women’s gymnastics, the US’s Nastia Luikin won the silver in the uneven parallel bars to China’s He Kexin despite a tie score that was broken by a complicated tie-breaking system. In a tie score they throw out the high and the low and then average the next three lows using the degree of difficulty and then they say; “Oh screw it, just give it to the host country’s kid who looks like the ten-year-old unholy spawn of Bjork and Bambi.”

NBC’s gymnastic analyst Bela Karolyi was visibly upset about Nastia Luikin’s silver medal. I’m not sure exactly what Karolyi said but I think it was something like; “I don’t like daylight, garlic, wolf-bain, crosses or holy water, I can’t see my reflection in a mirror and sleep in a coffin.”

The US’s Nastia Luikin did finish higher than her three cousins in the competition, Slutsia, Trampsia and Skanksia Luikin.

At the Beijing Olympics, the US’s Misty May-Traenor and Kerri Walsh will face the host country, China, in the gold medal game. As if women’s volleyball wasn’t great enough with the incredible play, the contestants are hot, fit women in tiny bikinis jumping around and slapping each other’s butts. And if all that wasn’t enough, they blast rock music while hot cheerleaders, also in bikinis, dance. That, along with a nice glass of eye-tailian red, as the great Max Von Stock used to say, does not suck.

There is a new health phenomenon along with Olympic fever: Olympic sleep deprivation. People are falling asleep at their jobs due to staying up to watch the late NBC coverage. Symptoms include, listlessness, lack of focus and dozing off. Or something like that, I’m so tired I can’t remember what they, ehh, umm, err, snarrrrrrghh, snaarrrrgh, snort, cough, huh?”

Since you asked:

Let us take a moment to remember Blazin’ Bessie, the stainless steel three-burner Turbo gas grill that has been a trooper for at least six years. We are in phase one - the demolition - of the backyard remodel and Blazin’ Bessie got a one day stay of execution last night and she went out in style. Marinated filet mignon in Jim Beam marinade, rubbed with the usual garlic powder, Old Bay seasoning, smoked paprika and fresh ground pepper.

Got Blazin’ Bessie real hot for the last time – that doesn’t sound right – and seared those puppies but good for two minutes a side, flipped for another three-and-a-half a side on slightly lower heat and they were a perfect juicy medium rare. Olive oil drizzle and sea salt, while it rested in a tinfoil tent, of course.

Poured some of the leftover marinade into a pan with red wine and a dash of Worcestershire sauce, reduced until it could coat a spoon, baked a Yukon gold and made a little iceberg/shredded carrot salad with creamy dressing and fresh parmesan on a side salad plate. Bam’d the big plate with fresh chopped parsley, poured a nice Italian table wine and Bob is your Uncle.

Will have to use Roarin’ Ruby, the red Weber grill, for a while until the new one arrives in a week or so. It is the Grand Turbo from Barbeques Galore, an all-stainless steel 38-inch monster with an infrared rotisserie and a searing burner that gets up to 1500 degrees in nothing flat. 100,000 BTU’s – although I have no idea what that means – and 874 square-inch cooking surface. Har, har, har, har, ho, ho, ho, ho. The best part? No more propane tanks, it is getting hooked up to the gas line.

Although I am not married to a new grill name yet, Grillin’ Gertie-Lou is in the lead. Oh, and my call sign while flying the grill has been changed to Cochise. Just so’s ya’ knows, Slats and Nugs. Just so's ya' knows.

P.S. Skanksia Luikin? Really?

Monday, August 18, 2008

At the end of the day, it is what it is, but the upshot is, F.Y.I, is that we gave 110%, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Beijing officials continue to claim the air is filled with fog not smog. This despite the fact that yesterday the Olympic torch accidentally ignited the fog.

A study says people are getting more impatient and rude. When asked if they felt people were getting more impatient and rude, 45% said yes, 55% said; “Out of my way, study dork, I have to park my Hummer in the grocery store fire lane to buy 20 items in the 10-items-or-less line.”

A study says people are getting more impatient and rude. When asked if they felt people were getting more impatient and rude, one person questioned said; “I don’t have time for this stupid study, jerk.”

On this date in 1960 the birth control pill was unveiled. The pill is considered the greatest invention for people having more sex since the invention of alcohol, deodorant and the padded bra.

A study in England reveals that beer goggles exist. People find other people more attractive if they have consumed alcohol. This also explains the existence of Alexa Ray Joel, the daughter of Billy Joel and Christie Brinkley.

The movie about an adorable but badly-behaved yellow Labrador, “Marley and Me” is coming out and it stars Owen Wilson and Jennifer Anniston. This marks a career change for Anniston as she is starring in a movie about a dog instead of a movie that is a dog.

100 meter favorite Tyson Gay did not even make it to the finals. This is the most disappointing Olympic performance by someone called Gay since Clay Aiken lip-synched his Salt Lake City Olympics closing ceremony performance.

This has been a marvelous Olympics for Michael Phelps but he could not have accomplished what he did without his relay teammates, so let’s always remember, that one guy, the other guy and especially that guy who caught the French guy. You know, what's his name?

The Island of Jamaica, about the size of Connecticut, has been running the US sprinters off the track at the Beijing Olympics. What do they do in Jamaica that makes them so fast? What is the one thing they do in Jamaica more than anywhere else? Let’s just say our American sprinters may have more Cheetos, Lava Lamps, Bob Marley albums and Visine in their future.