Saturday, May 03, 2008

You got time, Slats and Nugsters, to come correct and do like I do and slap down a $40 exacta box ($80 bet) 20 and 10 on race #10 at Churchill Downs. Thar be Big Brown and Colonel John. Peace. People get ready thar’s a train a comin’.

Friday, May 02, 2008

Don’t fake the funk while we bend the block, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Just kidding, Julia B. Voodschteps
Wesley Snipes has been sentenced to three years in prison for tax evasion and Snipes has requested to do the time in New Jersey, or as that known in legal terms: pleading insanity.

It’s less than one hundred days until the Beijing Olympics, but runners, don’t hold your breath. Save it for when have to hold your breath during your smoggy race.

‘Tain’t nothin’
Magician David Blaine set the world record for holding his breath on “Oprah” just over 17 minutes. That’s nothing, on “The View” Joy Behar once talked for one hour without inhaling.

Uh, no Sir, that’s not, oh forget it
The Chicago Cubs new Japanese star slugger, Kosuke Fukudome, is on the cover of “Sports Illustrated.” It was a little awkward, when told the cover of “Sports Illustrated” had Fukudome, President Bush said; “I don’t like them domes neither, baseball should be played outside.”

What the . . ?
CNN’s Richard Quest was arrested at one night at 3:40 am in Central Park with crystal meth, a rope tied around his neck and genitals and with a sex toy in his boot, but now he says he is in therapy. Who’s his therapist, George Michaels?

Since you asked:

Speaking of San Diego, our regular readers – shout out to all five of you – know that I frequently rant and rail against the homogenous (Heh, he said homo) boredom of Carmel Valley. But not this week. This week you best recognize the C to the V to the whassap, whoop, whoop, whoop. (Raise that roof)

Two thangs –well, three but we are putting the tragic shark attack behind us - happened that made living in the ghetto of Del Mar more interesting. You know how you have strangers, and then when you see them a lot, but they are still strangers but you kinda know them? Then, you get to know their name or their kids and they aren’t friends but they aren’t strangers? And then if you talk to them and like them, now they may not be friends who you socialize with, but they are more than acquaintances?

That is how we are with a cool guy named Faran Tahir. (Who?) Trust me, if things keep going for him the way they are going, you will know that name.

Faran Tahir is a dad at Ann Caroline’s school whose son, Jovan, a very nice kid, is a friend and former classmate of Ann Caroline. She went to his birthday party, he went to hers, etc. And Faran and his wife, a striking woman, whose name I just spaced but should know, and, without sounding, well, homogenous, he is a handsome dude himself, but they are both friendly and interesting. He is one of the dads you are glad to see as she is one of the good moms.

Well, my man, Faran, prior to this a successful character actor, up and landed a lead role in “Iron Man.” No lie, the terrorist who attacks and kidnaps Robert Downey Jr.’s character, Tony Stark, who is eventually Iron Man, Raza, is Faran. Cool, huh? He has been in a ton of things like “24” and “ER” and does voice-overs and commercials. We talked back when he was shooting the desert scenes out in Lone Pine. He said Downey is unbelievably nice. Which is exactly what I wanted to hear.

The only drag is that I finally have a famous guy for a pal and I got no dirt on the guy. He really is genuinely nice. Next time I see Faran, I am going to give him a heads-up that, as his career goes crazier and crazier, he and I will automatically become exponentially closer friends. As of right now, I am not positive, but I think I saved his life once.

The other wild thing, though not cool for her, is the story of Marie Walsh. A classic model 53-year-old Carmel Valley mom, with two teenage kids, who I’ve waved hello to at our snotty gym many times, but unlike the snotty members, she waves back. Get this: she got busted for living on the lam for 32 years as a small-time heroin dealer named Susan Lafavre, (No, not the hot Florida teacher, Debbie, who nailed her student) who busted out of prison in Michigan after getting a 10-to 20 year sentence.

Yes, there are rules and laws and people shouldn’t go selling heroin – even just $200 worth as is her case- and busting out of prison, but there is also common sense. Nobody will be served to have this wife and mother of two tossed in prison for ten years. The judicial system could build some great faith with the public by just being decent and letting her slide.

Let’s get us a “Free Marie” t-shirt, shall we?

Maybe we can get Faran to put together a movie about Debbie/Maria? And let’s make it a comedy and hire you-know-who to joke up the script? Have my people call your people, people.

Thursday, May 01, 2008

We rockin’ the American cheese and it crazy delish’, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Perfect fit
Barack Obama was endorsed by Bruce Springsteen; and, appropriately, Hillary Clinton was endorsed by Vanilla Ice.

Barack Obama was endorsed by Bruce Springsteen; and today, Ralph Nader was endorsed by Tito Jackson.

Not a perfect fit
“Iron Man” is opening Friday. I’m not so sure about the product placement promotions in the movie; does Iron Man really need Viagra?

Good move
Star Jones is sticking to her diet. Star just lost 170 pounds of useless weight. She divorced Al Reynolds.

Sympathy vote
Barack Obama has declined Hillary Clinton’s offer to debate without a moderator. Barack does not find the prospect of going one-on-one with Hillary appealing. To which Bill Clinton said; “Tell me about it.”

Think about it
“American Idol” is tonight and many feel that the least talented singer to remain is Jason Castro. But don’t worry about Jason, he can always make a living going on tour as the bizarre love child of John Travolta and Whoopi Goldberg.

Police are investigating claims by soccer star Ronaldo that a transvestite prostitute sought to extort money from him following an altercation at a Rio de Janeiro motel. A soccer star hiring a transvestite? This brings an ugly meaning to heading a ball.

How hot was it?
It was so hot Monday in LA people actually went in to see “Drillbit Taylor” just for the air conditioning.

Wednesday, April 30, 2008

Drop down and give me twenty, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

How hot was it?
It is cool now, but man, it was hot Monday. I was sweating like Barack Obama every time Rev. Jeremiah Wright opens his mouth.

University of Slow Children (We kid the Trorats)
The NFL Wonderlic test was used during the draft as USC's John David Booty had the lowest score among drafted quarterbacks- 14 out of a possible 50. It was awkward, when they asked Booty to go in the classroom and take the test, the USC players asked;

“OK, sure, but what’s a classroom and a test?”

The Rocket is out there
Roger Clemens had a 10-year-relationship with country music star Mindy McCreedy that started when she was 15 and he was a 28-year-old married father of two. It was awkward, when asked if the relationship was platonic, Clemens said;

“No, it happened here on Earth.”

Lex’s editorial comment about Roger the dodger
And what rich and famous young married-with-two-kids jock doesn’t really want to spend all of his spare time harmlessly and selflessly mentoring a 15-year-old girl? My word, between being falsely persecuted for using illegal drugs, by a wrong-minded Congress, no less, and spending his limited free time tutoring a teenage girl, this Roger Clemens is practically a frickin’ saint.

(I hope you’re picking up my sarcasm because I am laying it down pretty thick, to paraphrase “Tommy Boy”)

Seriously, between cheating with drugs and then lying about cheating with drugs and then lying to congress about cheating with drugs and ruining his trainer’s life, and now being outed for having what is, at best, a wildly inappropriate relationship with a 15-year-old girl, I am begining to suspect that maybe Roger Clemens isn’t the great character role model we thought he was. Maybe, just maybe, mind you, Roger is just a big stupid douche bag who can throw a ball.

Good day
The Cincinnati Bengals had a busy draft. They got a miscreant, a scofflaw, two firebrands and a recidivist reprobate to be named later.

The weather is beautiful in New York. To mark the occasion, former Governor Eliot Spitzer hired a hooker named Summer.

Except him
“Hannah Montana” star Mylie (Oops, I best change this before a certain young pedantic woman gets all up and down on my case to get correct, Miss Julia B. Voodsteps) Miley Cyrus apologized for sexy photos of her in a bed sheet in “Vanity Fair”. “Sexy, seemingly nude photos of a 15-year-old girl in a bed sheet aren’t creepy at all” said nobody except R. Kelly.

Cancel the card
The Pope is following through on cracking down on sex scandals in US priests. No more using the Vatican Mastercard on Internet porn sites.

What is wrong with Bill Clinton? He used to be so charming and jovial but now he snaps at reporters and gets angry all the time. Hillary, we’re begging you, please let Bill start dating again.

Saw that one coming
Two brothers from Illinois announced that they have invented a car that gets 100 miles-per-gallon. This just in: two brothers from Illinois who invented the 100 mpg car were tragically shot while hunting with Dick Cheney.

Tuesday, April 29, 2008

Sometimes you do go got to come correct and bring it wit’ da jugo, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Going green
China is going green for green week. In Beijing, everybody took a deep breath of the air pollution and then turned green.

Prom time
It’s prom season again. High school guys are all scrambling to get a date with that girl who is a sure thing, or as they call them now, their teacher.

Good news, bad news
It’s prom season again. My prom memories are bitter sweet. On the bright side, I got to go to prom with one of the cutest girls in school. On the other hand, she took off with the Prom King and I went home with the girl with the head gear and corrective shoes.

It’s prom season again. My prom memories are bitter sweet. My date was really cute, but it didn’t work out. Let’s just say I got a thirty-year head start on that study that says masturbation fights off prostate cancer.

Good on yah, Mate
An Australian study reveals masturbating helps prevent prostate cancer. Thank you Australia, this brings new meaning to going down under.

Wesley Snipes is getting three years in jail for tax evasion; how ironic. Snipes was just getting ready to star as OJ Simpson in the movie about his murder trial; “Finally A Brother Goes Free.”

One follows the other
Last week was National Karaoke week, which makes this week “Anyone who sings “Feelings” again will be shot” week.

Since you asked:

For reasons of which I will spare you the details, I was reminded of a story about Ann Caroline. About three years ago when she was just starting to play soccer, Ann Caroline was excited about all the new stuff she was learning.

When I came back from a Saturday morning run and was stretching on the floor, she plopped down with me and started showing me all the new stretches she knew:

“Do this one, Daddy, it stretches your quads.”

As we were stretching on the ground I started thinking out loud about the barbeque dinner party we were having that night;

“OK, I have to shell and de-vein the shrimp and marinate it, and get the rib-eye steaks at Jimbos . . “
Suddenly I panicked thinking that I was out of propane for the gas grill, but just as suddenly, I remembered I had another full tank ready to go, so, quite relieved, I said;

“Oh, that’s right, I do have gas.”

Just then, Ann Caroline popped up and dropped to her knees and elbows with her butt sticking up in the air.

“What stretch is that for?” I asked.

“Mommy said to do this if you’ve got gas.”

Monday, April 28, 2008

Let’s square this here up before it get all gunnysack on us, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

That guy is out of control
Authorities are conducting DNA tests to determine the fathers of the children taken from the Texas Polygamist compound. If I was a betting man, you know who I’d have my money on? Tom Brady.

Rocky ending
A trained grizzly bear named Rocky who has been in movies, killed his trainer. A spokesperson said they do not know what caused the attack. Now, I am no animal behavior expert, but I am willing to bet the attack had something to do with the fact that Rocky is a freaking grizzly bear.

A trained grizzly bear named Rocky who has been in movies, killed his trainer. A spokesperson said they do not know what caused the attack. The problem may have been the bear named Rocky compared himself to Hillary Clinton and then suddenly turned mean.

Some nerve
On “American Idol” contestant Brook White started her song and then stopped and started again. She has done this twice, she starts, but then she stops and then she starts again. Who does she think she is, Hillary Clinton?

That’s nice
The weather in London was beautiful, clear and sunny; it was so beautiful, Prince William landed his helicopter on the beach.

My mistake
I finally saw Martin Scorsese’s documentary on the Rolling Stones “Shine A Light” and it was great, but I have to be honest, for the first ten minutes I thought it was a commercial for the California Raisins. (Thanks to my favorite pedantic, Miss Julia "Me and Julio down by the school yard" Voodsteps)

book called "My Beautiful Mommy" helps children cope with their mother having plastic surgery. “My Beautiful Mommy” is a much better title than their first idea: “Wow, Do I Wish I Was Still Breast Feeding.”

Catchy title
“Hannah Montana” star, 15-year-old Milie Cyrus, is writing her memoirs. I think the title is “Mean People Are Bugger-Heads Times Infinity.”

“Hannah Montana” star, 15-year-old Milie Cyrus is writing her memoirs. Chapter One: “Like, why it like totally doesn’t suck to be filthy rich.”

“Hannah Montana” star, 15-year-old Milie Cyrus is writing her memoirs. Chapter One: “Like, Whatever.”

“Hannah Montana” star, 15-year-old Milie Cyrus is writing her memoirs. This may be the first book in history compiled completely of text messages.

Nice try, pal
A new study claims that men who ejaculate at least five times a week have a far greater chance of not getting prostate cancer; guys are going to run with this one. “No, honey, you don’t have to have sex with me, unless, of course, you don’t want me to get prostate cancer.”

Since you asked:
Well, well, well, went out stand up paddle boarding in the surf yesterday and today (Friday) about seven miles north, a swimmer gets killed by a great white shark.

This is how goofy I am now about stand up paddling: I am seriously thinking of going out tomorrow. Here is my question: should I use the lightening theory and go where the guy got attacked? Or just take a chance that the shark is swimming North where the water is a little cooler?

Now you probably think I’m nuts, but keep in mind, it wasn’t a surfer that was attacked, it was a swimmer. And my legs don’t dangle in the water because I am standing and paddling. And it sure would make the time I fall in the water until I am back on the board a lot more exciting.