Friday, April 11, 2008

Blog it on over, a big ol’ dog is comin’ through, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Former cyclist Tammy Thomas was convicted of lying to a grand jury about using steroids, part of the evidence was she grew a beard. It was a long beard too, it went all they down to her penis.

Former cyclist Tammy Thomas was convicted of lying to a grand jury about steroids, part of the evidence was she grew a beard. Upon hearing the verdict, Thomas screamed at the jury to look her in the eye. That’s a sure way to prove she didn’t use steroids: grow a beard and fly into a rage.

Vive le amore
In Davis Cup tennis, the US plays France. It shouldn’t be too hard to beat the romantic French, even in tennis they think love is good.

It’s about time
A study reveals that combining drinking with exercise doubles the heart benefits of drinking and exercise alone. Finally some good news for the Detroit Tigers.

Not the same
There is a documentary out narrated by Russell Crowe titled “Bra Boys.” It is about a tough Australian surfing gang. “Bra Boys” is not, repeat, not about what Michael Moore and Al Roker wear under their shirts.

Well dressed
Elton John played at a New York fundraiser for Hillary Clinton; the woman of the hour looked radiant in a sequined pantsuit. And besides Elton, Hillary looked good too.

Don’t tell me
In his latest angry tirade to the press, Bill Clinton said that New Mexico Gov Bill Richardson lied to his face five times. Oh my god, did Richardson have sex with Monica Lewinski too?

An exhibit of personal photographs by Patti Boyd is on exhibit in La Jolla CA. Patti Boyd was married to George Harrison and Eric Clapton and she inspired their respective hits, “Something” and “Layla.” Kind of like Hillary Clinton inspired Elton John to write “The Bitch is Back.”

A surfboard maker in San Diego has gone green and is making surfboards out of a soy base instead of polyurethane. That’s a great idea. Go out in an ocean full of sharks and ride on top of an appetizer. Why not slather on some steak sauce instead of suntan lotion?

Over four years after Chicago Cubs foul-ball flubber, Steve Bartman, apparently knocked away an easy out pop-up from Moises Alou to cause the Cubs to lose the series against the Marlins that would have sent them to the World Series for the first time in 63 years, now Alou says he probably wouldn’t have caught it. So, speaking for all good, kind-hearted and forgiving Chicago Cubs fans, I want to extend to Steve Bartman the most sincere, heart-felt and . . . nope, can’t do it, I still hate the guy.

Thursday, April 10, 2008

Sports Update:

Just kidding, Ralph
Usually governors bet on the NCAA Women’s title game, but no bet was collected between our Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger and Tennessee’s Gov. Phil Bredesen over Tennessee’s win over Stanford. Actually, there was a bet, but nobody in Tennessee would eat a fish taco.

There is another shake up in the Hillary Clinton campaign. Mark Penn, senior campaign advisor, was fired because of a disagreement over a Columbian trade agreement. Their disagreement apparently got ugly. Hillary threatened to put on her Karate pantsuit.

Good call
A Kansas neighborhood missed the end of the NCAA title game after a car crashed into a cable box thus depriving viewers the chance to see the Jayhawks defeat Memphis for their first title since 1988. A local judge then ruled the resultant hanging of the errant motorist by an angry mob as justifiable homicide.

Don't get mad at the messenger, Mark O'Snake
Did you know, despite earning one hundred times more than most PGA players, Tiger Woods is known as the worst tipper on tour? One golf course employee carried Tiger’s bags up a hill to the clubhouse. Do know what tip Tiger gave him? He told him to get a sub prime mortgage.
Slickity slackidy on the diggidy dackity, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Just wondering
Scientists in England claim they have combined human DNA with cow DNA; apropos of nothing, I wonder what Rosie O’Donnell is up to these days?

Scientists in England claim they have combined human DNA with cow DNA; the cow DNA is from a cow named Rosie and the human DNA is from someone named O’Donnell.

Oh, yeah, for that reason too
Canada may boycott the Beijing Summer Olympics because of China’s treatment of Tibet; that and the fact that the only athletes Canada has in the Summer Olympics are one-armed badminton player and a synchronized swimmer who is allergic to chlorine.

Not a clue
Kansas beat Memphis to win the NCAA men’s championship. The Kansas cheer is “Rock, chalk, Jayhawk” but nobody knows what it means. Kind of like the term; “US-Iraq exit strategy”, nobody has a clue what that means.

Well, that’s something at least
When the Beijing Olympic torch was confronted by protestors in Paris, the French police snuffed-out the torch and slunk away with it on a bus. On the bright side, they didn’t just surrender the torch over to a bunch of Germans.

Barack Obama got the endorsement of Jane Fonda. Yeah, and Jane also wrote Barack a nice limerick about the campaign: We can’t read it but it’s titled; “Why Hillary Isn’t In Front.”

Rumors of John McCain’s temper are circulating and one is that, at a campaign rally, an angry McCain called his wife, Cindy, the worst word you can call a woman. Let’s just say even Jane Fonda was shocked.

Rumors of John McCain’s temper are circulating and one is that, at a campaign rally, an angry McCain called his wife, Cindy, the worst word you can call a woman. No woman deserves to be called that, but especially a pretty blonde beer heiress worth $100 million. What, is he nuts?

Rumors of John McCain’s temper are circulating and one is that, at a campaign rally, an angry McCain called his wife, Cindy, the worst word you can call a woman. Now, I don’t want to say who leaked these rumors, but one works for someone whose name rhymes with Dillary Blinton.

Uh, no Sir, that’s not, oh forget it
The head of the Iraq war General David Patreaus, testified before the Senate. It was a little awkward, when told congress was grilling Patreaus, President Bush said; “Oh, man, I love barbequed fish. That Patreaus is good eatin’.”

How bad?
Experts predict a really bad hurricane season. It is so bad, hurricanes actually could have a worse season than the Detroit Tigers.

The Detroit Tigers are 0 and 7. At this point even Ralph Nader is laughing at them.

Experts predict a bad hurricane season. In Florida, authorities are recommending that all coastal- dwelling high school boys have sex with their female teachers at least two miles inland.

Since you asked:

So you ask, Lex, buddy, broheimerstine, how do you make such amazing cheeseburgers? Is it because you have the German word for cheese, Käse and Berg in your last name? No, smart ass, it is because, like I have said before, you must treat your burgers as you would a mentally challenged steak. Give it all the love and care you would a steak and then some. And don’t ever call me broheimerstine again. Are we clear on that, soldier? Outstanding.

First get 20% fat to 80% meat. Any leaner is too dry. Don’t worry, Dr. Diet, a lot of the fat drips off while grilling.

Do not make the patties too big, just to the border of the bun, no farther. And when they are a perfect hockey puck shape, indent the top. This will keep the patties from balling up. (If you’re the guy who presses down on the burgers with a spatula to keep them from balling up, please leave this blog immediately. Now. I’m not kidding) Give the burgers a solid dusting of garlic powder and pepper, and float a good steak sauce on top of the burger and let them rest.

Heat up the grill to very hot. Right before you put the burgers on add sea salt. When they touch the grill you should hear sizzling. After three minutes, flip, after another three add a slice of muenster cheese and cook for one more minute with the lid closed to melt the cheese.

Toast the buns while the burgers rest, mayo on the bottom bun, ketchup on the top, a bed of lettuce on the bottom bun, then put on the burger. On the top bun add pickles and grilled onions along with the ketchup.

Serve with a tall frosty beer and a Cubs game of your choice.

Hot damn I gots to start charging for these pearls.

Tuesday, April 08, 2008

Holy moley, guacamole, Jeff Spicoli, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Hello, my name is . . . oh forget it
An Indiana man woke up in a garbage truck after passing out drunk just as the compactor was about to crush him. I’d hate to be the speaker after this guy at the A.A. meeting.

Oh goody
Kathy Lee Gifford has been hired to host the fourth hour of “The Today Show” This is great news for Frank Gifford, he can start dating flight attendants again.

Be careful
An Oregon man claims he is pregnant. Guys, this is what can happen if your wife takes your Viagra by mistake.

It adds up fast
Sen. Hillary Clinton and former President Clinton reported more than $109 million in income since 2000. Or as Hillary sees it: over 237, 000 pantsuits.

On to bigger things
A California ski resort, Mammoth Mountain, disclosed Stevie Wonder took skiing lessons; Stevie was looking for a new challenge after he trounced Barack Obama in bowling.

A California ski resort, Mammoth Mountain, disclosed that Stevie Wonder took skiing lessons; Or as Mammoth Mountain is called by Hollywood, Kirstie Alley.

Them too
The Clintons disclosed their tax information and in eight years they have donated over $10 million to charity. Yeah, and, in addition to Charity, Bill has also donated to Tiffany, Bambi, Chrystal, Amber, Brandi and Roxanne.

What is he thinking?
New York Giant QB Eli Manning is getting married, that’s good, he’s young, good looking, rich, he has a Super Bowl ring, Dude, are you out of your frickin’ mind? Two words: Tom Brady. The rest of us slobs have to get married, but you? What are you thinking? (Just kidding, Hon)

Not so much
Kathy Lee Gifford has been hired to host the fourth hour of “The Today Show.” I’m not sure this will work, those cute stories about Cody might not fly now that he is 19 and the tattooed leader of a biker gang.

Not a big guy
French President Nicolas Sarkozy said he will not attend the opening ceremony of this summer's Olympic Games in Beijing unless China opens talks with the Dalai Lama. And they have to provide him with a booster seat.

A sure sign
A study reveals that New Yorkers are getting fatter. I think it’s true, the last time I was in New York my cab driver had stuffed his turban full of corndogs.

That’s nice
In the NCAA semis, Memphis beat UCLA. Memphis and UCLA are different. Memphis is down-home southern and the Bruins are Hollywood and hip. For example UCLA has gone green and now they recycle all of their trash talk.

Since you asked:

Is it just me or do journalists really, really suck? Make no mistake, as a writererer I have confessed many times that I am no rocket surgeon. Nobody mixes more metaphors and there, their and they’re than I do. If you pointed a gun at my head I might be able to tell you the difference between who’s and whose. And then and than continue to vex me and me alone.

But when I find a story with a headline I want to write a joke about and the actual information in the headline is nowhere in the article, I feel that writer has gone out of his or her way to suck.

And or piss me off.

After Kansas won the NCAA, I counted at least ten articles that had Rock Chalk referenced in the headline. Some yump named Michael Rosenberg wrote the title “Rock Shock” but didn’t explain it in his story. There were clever headlines like “Rock Chalk Walks the Walk” and “Memphis Balks at Rock Chalk” Not one of them even bothered to explain what the hell Rock Chalk meant. How in the world did it not occur to them that people might want to know what they put in their own damn headline?

This is even more annoying than the evening news promo-teasers that say “What is in your home that might give you and your family terminal cancer . . . tonight on News Nine at Eleven.”

One clown, Eddie Pell, is an Associated Press National writer. One of them wrote for MSNBC. My daughter is nine and although she is a great writer for her age, she is still only in the fourth grade and it would never, ever, occur to her to title a piece with something as eye-catching as the unusual words Rock Chalk without even mentioning it. You could say you have no idea what the hell Rock Chalk means, but at least say that.

It took some deep Google ogling for me to find out that Rock, Chalk, Jayhawk is a chant the Kansas fans use. Nobody is really sure exactly what it means, but it is a chant. Some say it’s because the campus sits on top of a limestone quarry and that limestone is used to make chalk. One woman had the interesting theory that rock refers to hip slang for a basketball, chalk is the coaches instructions on a blackboard. And they sound catchy when combined with Jayhawk.

This Rock, Chalk, Jayhawk deal is by no means an isolated case. In supposedly reputable newspapers and online sites, I spot a news topic that might work as a joke and I go looking for the who, what, when and where they teach alleged journalists when they come out of the womb. And I don’t even give a rat’s hump about the why.

“Montana Man Files to Marry His Goat” shouts the headline.

Great, there have to be ten jokes in that story alone, right? What is the guy’s name? The first three stories don’t say. What was the goat’s name? Was it at least a girl goat? Was the goat at least cute? Was it related to him? Where will they go on their honeymoon? Nothing. It took me ten different articles on the same topic to find all the information I needed just to write one stupid lame-ass joke.

One time a movie critic – they are supposed to be writers, right? – titled his piece “The Ten Worst Movies of all time” You want to know how many movies he discussed? Four. I’m no math whiz either, but I am pretty sure four is not the new ten.

These evil journalists are more annoying than those soulless knobs on the Shop NBC who yammer excitedly about one horrifically ugly and tasteless piece of jewelry after another. These people need to be quarantined for their, and our, good. (When our remote goes hinky, it always defaults to these horribly evil Channel 00 trolls making my frustration even more torturous. "Have you ever seen anything as beautiful?" Yes, because it is a total piece of crap)

OK, sorry about that rat hump thing.

"Mooooooooooooooooooooooooooon river"

"Out by San Birdo way"

"Oh, Judge, don't kid yourself, you're a tremendous slouch."

These old "when he was still funny" quotes from Chevy Chase are to be used as a reminder that anyone, no matter how funny, can become not funny if they take themselves too seriously. Like going off on a tirade against journalists, for example.

"I'm not falling for that banana in a tail pipe thing again"

Right, Eddie?

Monday, April 07, 2008

You had best check yourself before I Lex yourself, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Ah, that’s nice
New York is having a wonderful spring. Today it was so nice Eliot Spitzer let his hookers go outside to play.

One but not the other
Hillary Clinton compared herself to Rocky. I’m not sure if Hillary is Rocky, now, her marriage to Bill? That’s Rocky.

Now that’s gay
“Entertainment Weekly” has the list of the top musicals of all time which includes, “Wizard of Oz” “Hairspray” “Funny Girl” “Gigi” and if I list one more, I will turn gayer than a tofu crepe.

Catchy name
Scientists in New Castle England have created an embryo that is half man half cow. They’re calling it: Michael Mooooooore.

You could see that coming
The “Today” show featured a special on bodily functions and claim that most people pass gas 14 to 20 times a day. In a related story, the value of all used La-Z Boy recliners has plummeted.

Yikes what a scary bitch
Cell-phone-throwing psycho model Naomi Campbell was arrested at Heathrow airport for spitting on a police woman. “My, she sure seems like a lovely gal” said nobody.

Who knows?
The latest cell phone advance is voice-activated text messages. You can send a text message by just talking on the phone instead of typing. Wow, voice-text messages, pictures, videos, songs, movies, next thing you know you’ll be able to use a cell phone to talk to another person.

It sure seems like it
Once again, Bill Clinton delivered an angry, red-faced rant to the press, this time on New Mexico Gov. Bill Richardson endorsing Barack Obama. If I didn’t know better I would swear this Clinton dude needs to get laid.

It sure seems like it
Cell-phone-throwing psycho model Naomi Campbell was arrested at Heathrow airport for spitting on a police woman. If I didn’t know better I would swear this Naomi chick needs to get laid.

New name
The 80’s boy band New Kids On the Block is reuniting, but they aren’t new kids anymore. Donnie Wahlberg is 38. In fact, their hit “I’ll Be Loving You (Forever) is now titled “I’ll Be Loving You Forever With Viagra.”

Bad crash
Jerry Seinfeld was in a car accident in the Hamptons when his brakes went out and he flipped the car to avoid a pile up. Jerry is fine, but it was a bad crash. It was the worst crash for a cast member of “Seinfeld” since Michael Richard’s stand up act.

Not a good sign
Hillary Clinton’s campaign is said to be facing financial trouble, and I think it is. She has patches sewn on the knees of her pantsuit.

Hillary Clinton’s campaign is said to be facing financial trouble, she’s not good with finances, she thinks there were weapons where there weren’t any, how is Hillary going to be any different than President Bush?

Since you asked:
As they say in the south, cain’t not hardly wait to see Martin Scorsese’s “Shine a Light” Rolling Stones documentary. The reviews are love sonnets except for the occasional stick-up-the-butt movie critic who don’t like the Stones, but that is a huge two strikes on a person, being a snotty movie critic and not liking the Rolling Stones, so who cares? .

Scorsese is a major Stones fans and puts their songs all over his movies. At a press conference, Mick Jagger had a great line that “Shine a Light” is the only Scorsese film without “Gimme Shelter” in it.

Gonna get wet this weekend and do some righteous SUP, Broheims. (Stand up Paddle boarding for the uninitiated)

P.S. On the stand up session.

I got worked like a $50 hooker during Fleet Week.

The waves were big, about shoulder high, but the wind had the water all chopped up. It was a real challenge just to stand up and paddle. Managed to get out, paddle north and south for a while and then I paddled in and got munched by a few waves and then paddled back out for the big finish. Rode one wave, knocked off by another and sat on the board for the final wave in, when I could stand up, I grabbed the board and ran up the beach because I didn’t want to get munched by a big wave while holding the board.

When I got to the beach and put the board down, I noticed something odd. I was so exhausted I could not catch my breath. No lie, in my all out amphibious assault to come in, I was way past my anaerobic exhaustion state to the point where I could barely stand up. Had to do the old hands-on-the-knees-heaving-in-and-out until some nice lady walked up and asked if I was OK.

Man, between the utter exhaustion and the cold water, my head was all baffy and light headed. It took a full half an hour until I could pull off my wet suit top and put the board on the car. When I got home I figured that this was in the top ten exhausted states of all time:

One, when I mistook the finish line of the Wall Street 5K as being one hundred yards away at the World Trade Center when it was in fact, 500 yards away, but I just kept the finishing kick going. The guys in front of me and back after the finish line had to hold me up. And, yes, I wheedled in my drawers a tad.

Two, when I ran the first mile in Central Park 10K in just under five minutes and blew up like that Swiss girl in the 1984 LA Olympics marathon who was staggering all around the track like a rabid dog.

Three was the finish of the 1500 in the decathlon at the Junior Nationals at Cal State Hayward when I was sixteen. I needed to run a personal best (I think it was just under five minutes) to break 6,000 and I barely did it. These times I was on the ground.

Four, when I was trapped in the breaking swell in the surf in Mexico windsurfing and I could not water-start without another wave breaking on me knocking me down. The problem? I was drifting nearer and nearer to getting smashed up against a huge rock jetty. One more wave and I would have been toast, but somehow I managed to get the sail up and go.

Five, snowboarding at Mount Bachelor in Oregon, I was on the other side of the mountain when I reached the blow up state of utter exhaustion and it took another hour to come in. In the car my legs started cramping and I had to open the door of the van and dive out, spelling out empty beer cans with me right in front of a satellite police station. The boys were not pleased.

Six, When I finished the Carlsbad Mini Triathlon and immediately cramped up in both hamstrings on the finish line screaming like an idiot in front of thousands of people.

Seven, When we were running the two minute drill during a football game my junior year and I got the ball each time. Finally, I tried to get up and I just couldn’t.

Eight, the finish of the first and only half marathon, the La Jolla Half Marathon, I will ever run. Like the episode in Central Park, once again I went out way too fast finishing the first six miles at the top of Torrey Pines in a 41 minute 10K which is only a minute and half slower than my fastest ever 10 K. (I only broke 40 once) When I got to the finish I actually was weepy with happiness that I was through.

Nine, the first time we did the 550 breakdown work out in Santa Barbara, Snakes, you know what I am talking about. Actually we did it a bunch of times and each time that night I got migraines.

Ten, my last SUP session at Cardiff Reef. (And, if you read all of this indulgent slop, you, Slats and Nugs, can put this in as one of your all time most tired)

Sunday, April 06, 2008

Top Ten Dumb Guy Tips on Conserving Gas

# 10: Wait to buy gas until some utter moron sends you a $300 Economic Stimulus Check.

# 9: Eat lots and lots of cabbage, that gives me plenty of gas.

# 8: Step one: Get on the bus. Step two: When the bus driver asks for your fare, say: “Poultry don’t pay, pal” and then start clucking like a chicken.

# 7: Only take right turns. (If you are a NASCAR driver, disregard this)

# 6: Get in a cab and tell the driver you are on a Jihad. It’s a little thing called professional courtesy.

# 5: Live at the top of a hill and work at the bottom of the hill. At night, reverse.

# 4: No # 4, writer ran out of gas on the way in.

# 3: A, Get a rubber hose, B, your neighbor’s car, C, Paris Hilton. (You know where I’m going with this, people)

# 2: Buy a car that runs on taffy. Taffy is tasty.

And the number one dumb guy tip on conserving gas:

# 1: Two words: Drive backwards.