Monday, April 07, 2008

You had best check yourself before I Lex yourself, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Ah, that’s nice
New York is having a wonderful spring. Today it was so nice Eliot Spitzer let his hookers go outside to play.

One but not the other
Hillary Clinton compared herself to Rocky. I’m not sure if Hillary is Rocky, now, her marriage to Bill? That’s Rocky.

Now that’s gay
“Entertainment Weekly” has the list of the top musicals of all time which includes, “Wizard of Oz” “Hairspray” “Funny Girl” “Gigi” and if I list one more, I will turn gayer than a tofu crepe.

Catchy name
Scientists in New Castle England have created an embryo that is half man half cow. They’re calling it: Michael Mooooooore.

You could see that coming
The “Today” show featured a special on bodily functions and claim that most people pass gas 14 to 20 times a day. In a related story, the value of all used La-Z Boy recliners has plummeted.

Yikes what a scary bitch
Cell-phone-throwing psycho model Naomi Campbell was arrested at Heathrow airport for spitting on a police woman. “My, she sure seems like a lovely gal” said nobody.

Who knows?
The latest cell phone advance is voice-activated text messages. You can send a text message by just talking on the phone instead of typing. Wow, voice-text messages, pictures, videos, songs, movies, next thing you know you’ll be able to use a cell phone to talk to another person.

It sure seems like it
Once again, Bill Clinton delivered an angry, red-faced rant to the press, this time on New Mexico Gov. Bill Richardson endorsing Barack Obama. If I didn’t know better I would swear this Clinton dude needs to get laid.

It sure seems like it
Cell-phone-throwing psycho model Naomi Campbell was arrested at Heathrow airport for spitting on a police woman. If I didn’t know better I would swear this Naomi chick needs to get laid.

New name
The 80’s boy band New Kids On the Block is reuniting, but they aren’t new kids anymore. Donnie Wahlberg is 38. In fact, their hit “I’ll Be Loving You (Forever) is now titled “I’ll Be Loving You Forever With Viagra.”

Bad crash
Jerry Seinfeld was in a car accident in the Hamptons when his brakes went out and he flipped the car to avoid a pile up. Jerry is fine, but it was a bad crash. It was the worst crash for a cast member of “Seinfeld” since Michael Richard’s stand up act.

Not a good sign
Hillary Clinton’s campaign is said to be facing financial trouble, and I think it is. She has patches sewn on the knees of her pantsuit.

Hillary Clinton’s campaign is said to be facing financial trouble, she’s not good with finances, she thinks there were weapons where there weren’t any, how is Hillary going to be any different than President Bush?

Since you asked:
As they say in the south, cain’t not hardly wait to see Martin Scorsese’s “Shine a Light” Rolling Stones documentary. The reviews are love sonnets except for the occasional stick-up-the-butt movie critic who don’t like the Stones, but that is a huge two strikes on a person, being a snotty movie critic and not liking the Rolling Stones, so who cares? .

Scorsese is a major Stones fans and puts their songs all over his movies. At a press conference, Mick Jagger had a great line that “Shine a Light” is the only Scorsese film without “Gimme Shelter” in it.

Gonna get wet this weekend and do some righteous SUP, Broheims. (Stand up Paddle boarding for the uninitiated)

P.S. On the stand up session.

I got worked like a $50 hooker during Fleet Week.

The waves were big, about shoulder high, but the wind had the water all chopped up. It was a real challenge just to stand up and paddle. Managed to get out, paddle north and south for a while and then I paddled in and got munched by a few waves and then paddled back out for the big finish. Rode one wave, knocked off by another and sat on the board for the final wave in, when I could stand up, I grabbed the board and ran up the beach because I didn’t want to get munched by a big wave while holding the board.

When I got to the beach and put the board down, I noticed something odd. I was so exhausted I could not catch my breath. No lie, in my all out amphibious assault to come in, I was way past my anaerobic exhaustion state to the point where I could barely stand up. Had to do the old hands-on-the-knees-heaving-in-and-out until some nice lady walked up and asked if I was OK.

Man, between the utter exhaustion and the cold water, my head was all baffy and light headed. It took a full half an hour until I could pull off my wet suit top and put the board on the car. When I got home I figured that this was in the top ten exhausted states of all time:

One, when I mistook the finish line of the Wall Street 5K as being one hundred yards away at the World Trade Center when it was in fact, 500 yards away, but I just kept the finishing kick going. The guys in front of me and back after the finish line had to hold me up. And, yes, I wheedled in my drawers a tad.

Two, when I ran the first mile in Central Park 10K in just under five minutes and blew up like that Swiss girl in the 1984 LA Olympics marathon who was staggering all around the track like a rabid dog.

Three was the finish of the 1500 in the decathlon at the Junior Nationals at Cal State Hayward when I was sixteen. I needed to run a personal best (I think it was just under five minutes) to break 6,000 and I barely did it. These times I was on the ground.

Four, when I was trapped in the breaking swell in the surf in Mexico windsurfing and I could not water-start without another wave breaking on me knocking me down. The problem? I was drifting nearer and nearer to getting smashed up against a huge rock jetty. One more wave and I would have been toast, but somehow I managed to get the sail up and go.

Five, snowboarding at Mount Bachelor in Oregon, I was on the other side of the mountain when I reached the blow up state of utter exhaustion and it took another hour to come in. In the car my legs started cramping and I had to open the door of the van and dive out, spelling out empty beer cans with me right in front of a satellite police station. The boys were not pleased.

Six, When I finished the Carlsbad Mini Triathlon and immediately cramped up in both hamstrings on the finish line screaming like an idiot in front of thousands of people.

Seven, When we were running the two minute drill during a football game my junior year and I got the ball each time. Finally, I tried to get up and I just couldn’t.

Eight, the finish of the first and only half marathon, the La Jolla Half Marathon, I will ever run. Like the episode in Central Park, once again I went out way too fast finishing the first six miles at the top of Torrey Pines in a 41 minute 10K which is only a minute and half slower than my fastest ever 10 K. (I only broke 40 once) When I got to the finish I actually was weepy with happiness that I was through.

Nine, the first time we did the 550 breakdown work out in Santa Barbara, Snakes, you know what I am talking about. Actually we did it a bunch of times and each time that night I got migraines.

Ten, my last SUP session at Cardiff Reef. (And, if you read all of this indulgent slop, you, Slats and Nugs, can put this in as one of your all time most tired)