Thursday, January 31, 2008

This just in:
Arnold Schwarzenegger has endorsed John McCain. That is not at all surprising, dating back to Ronald Reagon, Arnold has always had a thing for geriatric republican candidates, he just can’t pronounce the words: geriatric republican candidates.
Apparently a Durham Divided Cannot and Will Not Stand

The leafy posh suburb of Durham, Connecticut is halfway between New York and Boston and the residents are dangerously divided between the New England Patriots and the New York Giants. Well, dangerously for Durham, Connecticut. There were scattered reports, however, of Giants fans going to the houses of Patriot fans and conducting drive-by snubbings.

In Durham, if you are wearing Giants colors and you accidentally walk into the Patriot hood, there is a good chance you could receive seriously dismissive looks.

At the formal Durham Country Club fundraiser, one of the Giant fans matrons viciously gossiped that one of the Patriot’s fans matrons new face lift and lip augmentation made her look like “a coked-out platypus.”

There are reports of Durham, Connecticut cocktail parties where, if the host is a Patriot fan, he made the Giants fan’s cocktails noticeably weaker.

Last Saturday morning, a Giant fan started his leaf blower at 7:56 am, a full four minutes ahead of the agreed starting time for weekend gas-powered lawn equipment, just to wake his Patriot fan neighbor.

Also there was a report of a Durham cocktail party where the Giant fan host hung up the Giants fans coats but threw the Patriots fans coats on a heap on the guest bed. To retaliate, the Patriots fans were seen flagrantly double-dipping their chips in the dip.

There were incidents where, in downtown Durham, Patriots fans were seen rushing right through Giant fans expecting a stop-and-chat.

One time, at the Durham Gourmet Market, a Giant fan with thirty items refused to let a Patriot fan with one item go ahead of him.

At one of the six Durham Starbucks, one Giant fan told the manager that a Patriot fan intentionally took her Grande Latte instead of the smaller Tall Latte that she actually ordered.

At the Durham health spa, one Patriot fan intentionally filled up her entire 32 ounce plastic water bottle at the filtered water cooler while letting the sweaty Giant fan wait for just a sip.

At the Durham elementary school, one Giant fan mom signaled to a double-parked and waiting Patriot fan mom that she was leaving her parking spot and she could have it, when, in fact, she sat there Boyer-like and called her fellow Giant fan yoga class partner to let her in on the joke.

At a The Durham Steak and Chop House it was reported that a Giant fan Sommelier intentionally switched a cheaper vintage to a Patriot fan diner. (Assist: Nathan Lane)

To give you an idea about Durham Connecticut, it is, according to Wikipedia, 96.68% white. There are Klan meetings that aren’t that white.

Let’s take a poll, ‘cause that’s how we roll, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

For he’s a jolly, well, no he isn’t
Happy Birthday to Vice President Dick Cheney, he turns 67 today. They had a big cake and Cheney blew out the candles with his shotgun.

Happy Birthday to Vice President Dick Cheney, he turns 67 today. They had a big cake and then Cheney and his staff all took turns at playing: Pin the Tale on “Scooter” Libby.

Bold call
The New York Giants Plaxico Burress has predicted an upset win over the New England Patriots. This is, without any doubt, the boldest Super Bowl prediction ever made by a guy named Plaxico.

Guess not
John Edwards backed out of the campaign. And here we thought Edwards was the hair apparent.

Who knew?
Angelina Jolie is pregnant. (Man, that Tom Brady is a busy guy) In a surprising twist, Angelina’s baby is going to be adopted by a starving African couple.

More Tom
At the Super Bowl media day, a poor man’s Miss Haversham in a wedding dress proposed to Tom Brady. Brady politely declined. He did offer to impregnate her though, so that was nice.

A Danish study says the health benefits of exercise and moderate drinking increase when you combine exercise and moderate drinking. Unless of course you combine Jager shots before running high hurdles. Then drinking and exercise increase your chances of becoming a eunuch.

I don’t want to say that Tom Brady’s media day interview was boring, but, after hearing it, Mitt Romney told him to jazz it up.

Go figure
Los Angeles has the first medical marijuana vending machine. That’s great until you’re high and you try and get the snack vending machine next to it to work; you thought you got upset when your Oreos got stuck before?

Since you asked:
Here is my prediction for the MVP of the Super Bowl: Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers. If you get a chance to see Peter Bogdanavich’s documentary “Runnin’ Down a Dream” you realize how a performer and his band can be in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame and still be underrated. Tom and his Gainesville buddys can flat out roll out the rock.

In an odd way, TPATHB’s were their own worst enemies in that they cranked out so many hits for so long they were somewhat taken for granted. But when you see the film and the hits strung together it is an impressive volume of work.

And yet, when you hear the interviews, you get the sense that all of these guys were pretty grounded for being big shot rock stars, especially Tom Petty. What you probably didn’t realize – I didn’t- is just how hard Petty fought the suits when it came to his bad publishing deal and the price of the records.

Petty never stopped being a rock fan and because he identified with the fans so much, he took up their cause. That is probably why Petty is able to keep cranking out the high quality stuff for so long. If you hear Sting or one of the elite mega rock stars speak, you get the feeling they would rather die than leave their Mansion to go to a small club to hear a band, let alone perform in small club with a band. TPATHB’s love to do that.

So rock that Super Bowl, Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers. And no wardrobe malfunctions.

Thus having openly declared my love for Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers, does that mean I can’t make jokes about them? Oh, hell no. If you are so wrapped up about a topic that you can’t write a joke about it, you should seriously consider going to a proctologist and having your cranium removed.

So Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers are the Super Bowl half time performers? I guess that means that, not only is the Super Bowl being played in Glendale, Arizona, but apparently it is also being played in 1983.

So Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers are the Super Bowl half time performers? Since these guys aren’t getting any younger, the question is will there be a wardrobe malfunction? Depends.

Don’t get me wrong, as David Letterman said it so well, I stand behind no man in my admiration of the Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers, but is it just me or does Tom Petty look like a lesbian on a hunger strike?

You know who is a big fan of Tom Petty? Stevie Nicks. They've collaborated on several hits. She sings the bass, he sings the soprano.

You can tell Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers are getting up there. Here is the list of their updated hits:

“Runnin’ Down a Bathroom”

“Breakdown a hip”

“Listen to her heart (And hear an irregular beat)

“Retiree” (Formerly “Refuge”)

“I Need To Know” (Because I can’t remember)

“Here Comes My Girl (Bless That Viagra)

Wednesday, January 30, 2008

This just in:

John Edwards is stepping out of the democratic presidential race. Edwards hasn’t mentioned who he is going to endorse, which probably explained why Hillary Clinton was seen washing his car.

Good thing when he stepped down he didn't slip and fall or, as a former trial attorney, Edwards would have sued all of our asses.
We gonna role old school, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

One buck Joe
Starbucks is now offering a one dollar cup of coffee. So now Starbucks coffee is available in sizes, biggest to smallest: Vente, Grande, Tall, Short and now the new one dollar El Thimble.

Which was more painful, the dog or these jokes?
A man in Kentucky, a huge Kentucky Wildcat hoops fan, had four of his toes chewed off by his pit bull puppy. It made him hopping mad.

The man got the last laugh, though. The pit bull has a raging case of athlete’s tongue.

When asked why he ate four of his owner’s toes, the pit bull replied; “An owner that good you don’t eat all at once.”

When asked why his dog ate his toes, the owner had to admit that he was stumped.

It was horrible, some of the toes were scattered on the floor. They had to call an ambulance and a toe truck. (Gaahhd maaaaahhhning, everybody)

How to deal with bullies
A study reveals that kids with Attention Deficit Hyperactive Disorder are ten times more likely to be bullies. So, kids, if a bully wants to start a fight, start reading him the Marquees of Queensbury Rules of Boxing and he’ll become bored and wander off.


So kids, if a bully starts picking on you, just start doing a long division problem, it will scare him right off.

Not good
Jessica Simpson has been linked with Arizona Cardinal QB Matt Leineart and Dallas Cowboy QB Tony Romo. In fact, Jessica has nailed more quarterbacks than the entire Oakland Raiders defensive line.

Hate to see such profiling
Yesterday was media day at the Super Bowl in Phoenix. It was a little awkward, they were going to throw out a middle eastern-looking guy due to suspicion of terrorism until they found out it was just Bill Belichick in his hood.

Be careful out there
Lindsay Lohan was seen knocking back a few vodkas at a bar. Just when we thought it was OK to drive around again.

I am the #2 on the Top Ten Contest


I won the caption contest

Hey, what can I say? You have to warm up the comedy muscle somehow.

Tuesday, January 29, 2008

This just in:

Starbucks is now offering a one dollar cup of coffee. So now Starbucks coffee is available in sizes biggest to smallest: Vente, Grande, Tall, Short and now the new one dollar El Thimble.
We gonna drop that sixteen like you ain’t never seen, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

It was a little scary when Ted Kennedy endorsed Barack Obama, Barack asked how are they going to get rid of Hillary, Ted said; “We’ll cross that bridge when we come to it.”

We love to fly and it shows too much
A German nudist camp has chartered an all nude flight. You know who I feel sorry for? The passengers booked on the flight after that.

Talk about putting your trey table up in its upright and locked position.

Yikes, 2
In Tennessee it is legal to eat roadkill, animals you hit with your car. It brings a whole new meaning to grilling your food.

Not since then
Did you see Barack Obama snub Hillary Clinton at the State of the Union address? That is the rudest reception Hillary has had since she crashed Bill’s Clinton’s speed dating session.

Super Bowl 42 ways to leave your lover
You can tell the Super Bowl hype is in full swing. Jessica Simpson is getting ready to be dumped by Eli Manning.

“Hey, Tom Brady, you just won your fourth Super Bowl, what are you going to do now?”

“I’m going to Disneyland. Just kidding, I am going to go nail a super model.”

Progress, right?
President Bush gave his last State of the Union speech. You have to give Bush credit, he has improved, he used to read that and pronounce it as the State of the Onion Speech.

Not good
In a desperate attempt to revive his sagging campaign, Rudy Giuliani is courting the voters of Florida. It’s not going well. Now when Rudy mentions 9-11 he’s referring to the estimate of followers he still has.

Loss of words
You could tell the writers were missing at the SAG awards. When “The Sopranos” James Gandolfini won best actor, his acceptance speech was; “Badabing fuggahgetahboutit capice?”

I mean to tell yah
Jessica Simpson has been linked with Arizona Cardinal QB Matt Leineart and Dallas Cowboy QB Tony Romo. In fact, Jessica has nailed more quarterbacks than the entire Oakland Raiders defensive line.

Monday, January 28, 2008

This just in:

The entire Kennedy family has endorsed Barack Obama; this is quite a slap in the face for both Hillary and Bill Clinton. It was the worst slap in the face for Bill Clinton since Hillary found out about Monica Lewinski.
It’s yo, yo, not to be confused with a Yoyo, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Dunk this
Dunkin’ Donuts is going to open 100 stores in China; this explains their new donut, the Kung Pao donut with lead sprinkles.

How rainy is it?
Man has it been raining in California. In Malibu it rained so much Pamela Anderson married a squeegee distributor.

Man has it been raining in California. In Los Angeles it rained so hard two people were actually washed into a movie theater showing Jessica Simpson’s “Blonde Ambition.”

It was raining so hard in San Francisco, a couple of the Forty Niners players were accidentally washed into a weight room.

Ho flow
The prostitutes are flooding into Phoenix for the Super Bowl. There are so many hookers in Phoenix, the hookers left over in New York’s Times Square are bringing a whole new meaning to the term: getting backlogged.

The prostitutes are flooding into Phoenix for the Super Bowl. In fact, for the Super Bowl, the hookers in Phoenix are offering a Tom Brady Special: For an extra $100 you can Giselle their Bundchen.

These just in:

Did you know Jessica Simpson’s last movie, “Blonde Ambition” netted just barely $6,000 at the box office? That’s less than Jessica spent on therapy since getting dumped by Tony Romo.

Have you noticed how cranky, surly and testy Bill Clinton has been since he has been campaigning along with Hillary? Man, if I didn't know better I'd swear it’s almost like the poor guy's not getting any.

Sunday, January 27, 2008

Busted flat in Baton Rouge, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Avast there me hardy
Barack Obama won huge in North Carolina; wow, you thought Barack and Hillary were bickering before? Hillary hasn’t been this mad at a man since Bill fired a shot across Monica’s bow, if you get what I mean in nautical terms.

Dallas Cowboy, Tony Romo has dumped Jessica Simpson. Turns out they weren’t really going out, Romo just had: “Nail Jessica in Cabo” on his bucket list.

Jessica Simpson has been dumped by Dallas Cowboy Tony Romo. Will somebody please go and try and console the openly weeping Terrell Owens?
Now, when he sits down, he is Rambo, oh, oh, oh, my. Whewie.
Rambo Four is opening up. The first one was “Rambo: First Blood.” But Sly Stallone is getting up there. I think this one is called “Rambo: First, oh shoot, what was that name again?”

In this one, Rambo is sent in to an assisted care facility to break up a crooked bingo game.

Sly Stallone is getting old. In the other Rambos there is the scene where Rambo straps on his weapons, rips off his shirt and then ties on the red headband. Now he puts in his teeth, combs over his bald spot and rubs vanishing cream on his liver spots.

It’s a tropical thing
First they announced they are going to plant one million trees in New York. Now they said they are going to build four giant waterfalls. And then, in Times Square, they are going to put grass hula skirts on all the hookers.

In Times Square, for an extra $50, the hookers will pina your colada.

That can’t be good
Mercury levels in New York area fish are high. In fact, New York City McDonalds are now offering a Glow-in-the-dark Filet-O-Fish.

Hard to imagine, but we kid Mississippi
It is agreed by sports experts the toughest and most fearsome athlete is Sebastien Chabal, a big, burly, French rugby player. Americans have a hard time conceptualizing a Frenchman as the toughest jock in the world. It’s like hearing a Mississippian is the smartest guy in the U.S.

Since you asked:

Gotta admit, the smugness factor is pretty thick as I watch Tiger disembowel the competition at Torrey Pines in the Buick Open. Didn’t actually go there in person under the been-there-done-that clause, but now that I hear the announcers talking about how you could grab one of Tiger’s divots and put it in your lawn as a holy five inch by three inch shrine to Tiger, I wish I had been there and done that. Maybe during the Open in June. (If I put the Tiger divot in our backyard, it would be the only grass in there, thanks to our beasts, Wrigley and Kasey)

No, the smugness comes from watching on my most def Hi Def 50 inch plasma as the announcers struggle to find adjectives to describe the beauty of the T.P. course that is about two-and-a-half miles away as the crow flies. And devouring an awesome Philly Cheesesteak while swilling a nice red isn’t hurting that experience. (Diet and workout regimen revival to begin on Monday)

The weird part is that I am watching the tournament with about a thirty minute delay on the DVR and it makes me feel like a meteorologist who can predict the future as the wind and cloudiness pick up.

Speaking of adjectives, it is Tiger’s world, we are just searching for adjectives to describe his play in it. Best golfer ever? No question and that is with all due respect to the Golden Bear.