Friday, January 11, 2008

This just in:

Pamela Anderson is getting divorced from Rick Salomon. This is great news for Larry King, marrying Pamela is on Larry’s Bucket List.
New York City opened it's first public pay toilet; well, if you don't count the Subway.

Yes, I know it was Mallory
Sir Edmund Hillary passed away in New Zealand. The funeral will be held in Auckland. Why? Because it’s there.

Nike shmiky
Nike is going to release the 23’rd edition of the Michael Jordan Air Jordan shoe. You can tell fans of the 44-year-old Jordan are getting up there. This year’s Air Jordan shoe is available in an orthopedic version.

Nike is going to release the 23’rd edition of the Michael Jordan Air Jordan shoe. You can tell fans of the 44-year-old Jordan are getting up there. This one is called the Back Hair Jordan.

Nike is going to release the 23’rd edition of the Michael Jordan Air Jordan shoe. You can tell fans of the 44-year-old Jordan are getting up there. This shoe is still made for dunking, but not basketballs, donuts.

Happy, happy New Year
A Danish study claims combining exercise and moderate drinking prolongs longevity, a study says just imagining exercising produces increased fitness and countless studies tout the heart benefits of drinking red wine. So there is my New Year’s resolution: I am going to sit around drinking red wine and think about working out.

This just out
Disgraced Olympic sprinter/steroids cheater, Marion Jones, was sentenced to six months in prison for lying to prosecutors about taking steroids. In a related story, Roger Clemens has just wet himself.

To Review:
P-Riots big over Jags, Hawks upsets the Pack, though I want the Bolts and take them and their points, the Colts are too much, and ’Boys over the G’ints but NY covers.

Sabes capice?

Since you asked:

Gotta admit, I, just now, dumped off our Christmas tree. We kept it up late because Virg’s folks were here and because it still looked and smelled great. Granted, we got it a tad late, about December 18th, but it was a champ. It was sad dropping it off at the tree dump. It is the closest modern man will get to dropping off the family mule at the glue factory.

Goodbye, ol’ Bessie Lou, you were a noble steed.

Oh my lord, I just found out Dr. Phil is a psychologist, not a psychiatrist. He can’t issue proscriptions. He’s like one of the schmucks who has a “doctorate” in philosophy who insists on being called Dr. So when they get on a plane and somebody starts choking and the flight attendant checks the manifest, goes over and asks them to help, they have to explain that they are as much of a real doctor as Dr. Seuss and, by then, the poor choking bastard is dead.

What a tool that Mr. Phil is.

How about this story? Two guys try to get their buddy’s social security check cashed, so when the bank teller tells them the person has to be there in person, they have to go get him. The problem? The guy has been dead for two days. They throw him into an office chair, and wheel him down the city sidewalks into the bank, with one of them holding his head up. They couldn’t cash the dead guy's check but they were able to get him a job at the DMV.

OJ Simpson is back in a Las Vegas jail. Good, now all I have to do is go to Las Vegas and get arrested for shop lifting. You see, sticking OJ with a shiv in jail is on my Bucket List.

Thursday, January 10, 2008

Here are some interesting little-known facts about Mike Huckabee:

In Dutch, Huckabee means Kucinich

His nickname in college was "What the Fff" Huckabee

He once killed a drifter in Winslow, Arizona just for his Members Only jacket

His first gig playing bass was with an ABBA tribute band

His Frisbee catching dog's name? Chuckabee Huckabee

Even though he was Governor of Arkansas, he didn't realize the word Kansas was in the State's name until a year ago.

How did he lose over 100 pounds? To lose his appetite, before each meal he had his wife say the name Hillary
Staying real with the deal until we peel, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

One more try
A 42-year-old Houston teacher, Shannon Kay Hrozek, was arrested for sexually assaulting her 16-year-old male student. Allegedly she gave him oral sex. When I was in high school the only thing the teachers gave me was home work.

Flip and flop
John Kerry is going to endorse Barrack Obama; wait, now he is going to endorse John Edwards. Oh, hang on, now he is going to endorse Hillary Clinton. No, he is back to Barack Obama.

He does kinda
Britney Spears’s relatives claim Dr. Phil went public on their hospital visit to exploit her break-down to promote his show. That is not what a real doctor would do, but is Dr. Phil a real doctor? He looks more like the shift manager at Applebees.

Britney Spears’s relatives claim Dr. Phil went public on their hospital visit to exploit her break-down to promote his show. I guess the prediction for 2008 is true: stupid is the new smart.

TMZ reported that Pamela Anderson is pregnant and getting a divorce from Rick Salomon; they got married in October. The baby would be due in seven months, or as Pamela calls that: three more husbands.

Not good
A Danish study reveals that combining exercise and moderate alcohol consumption can increase your longevity; unless the alcohol is Tequila shots and the exercise is rock climbing.

Oh, that’s nice
Taylor Hicks has been dumped from his record label. The good news? He picked up some more shifts at Starbucks.

Rough time
The U.S. dropped 38 bombs on al-Qaeda safe havens in Iraq. This is a real setback for al-Qaeda. Now they are going to have to rename all of them Not-so-safe not-so-havens.

Since you asked:
As I am now privy to new information, I would like to explain my playoff predictions. The only one I got wrong was the Giants win over Tampa Bay. My predictions were based on momentum going into the playoffs and the Giants lost – although it was a good game – to the Patriots. What I have to admit that what I did not know is that Gruden rested his Tampa starters FOR TWO WEEKS.

You don’t get any less momentum than that. If I had known that, I would have gone with the Giants, even though I still don’t think they’re that good, Eli did show us some stuff. Good job, Jimmy Christ. (Jesus had a brother named James)

This weekend? I am going to go with the Colts over the Chargers even though I want the Bolts to win. (Take the Chargers and the nine points) Seattle will beat the Pack in a close one - my only upset- with a Favre hail Mary interception, 'Boys beat the Giants -although you probably want to take the G'ints and them tasty 7.5 points - and, in the early Super Bowl, the P-Riots trounce the Jags. And I mean trounce as in pounce as in not giving an ounce and making them bounce when it counts.

Sabes capice?

Drop a line and let me know what you think of the new UCSB inspired format?

Wednesday, January 09, 2008

Get your nekkid on, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Once again
A 42-year-old Houston teacher, Shannon Kay Hrozek, was arrested for sexually assaulting her 16-year-old male student. She claims it was a math quiz. She was trying to show him how many times 16 goes into 42.

She was caught reportedly giving him, well, let’s call it an oral quiz.

What is going on? When I was in high school getting screwed by a teacher meant being sent to detention.

The FDA has approved a take-once-a-day Cialis erectile dysfunction pill. It brings new meaning to taking a one a day plus iron.

A Danish study claims that combining moderate drinking and exercise can significantly increase your life expectancy. Unless your workout is boozing and hunting with Dick Cheney.

Give me a break
A survey claims one in four Americans said they would donate a kidney to a stranger. Yeah right, this in the same country where people will intentionally kill time in their car just to keep from giving somebody else their parking spot.

We kid the garden state
A survey claims 75% of New Jersey residents are happy living there. The other 25% had to move due to witness relocation.

The other 25% asked; “What the heck is that smell?”

The smoking ban in French bistros continues and the French are not handling it well. The French are so grumpy from not smoking, in Paris a fight broke out in a bar and not one single Frenchman offered to surrender.

Get it?
The investigation continues into that terrible tiger attack at the San Francisco zoo. And once the word got out in the gay community the zoo had a man-eating tiger, the lines have been a mile long.

Ingratiate in 2008
Some political pundits are dubbing this the election of the likeable candidates. John McCain is jovial and avuncular, Mike Huckabee is folksy and yet witty, Barack Obama is charming and charismatic, and Hillary Clinton is, uh, well, how about that pantsuit collection?

As opposed to the last presidential election. John Kerry was to likeable what airport seats are to comfortable.

Since you asked:
OK, you brought up Internet porn, so let’s talk about it. My problem with Internet porn is that I can’t get past the horrible titles. Who are the morons who name these things? Half the time they have speling erors. Hello? Spel chek. Look into it.

And, as I have mentioned before, please tell me the “models” in these porn shoots don’t know the name it will have before they accept them. It would break my heart to think that, somewhere in the waiting room of some sleazy studio in Van Nuys, two pathetic Paris-Hilton-wannabe struggling porn actressess had this discussion:

Heather: “Did you get “Filthy Lezbo Whores”?

Gretchen: “Nooo, like I am so bummed. I was so right for that part.”

Heather; “I hope we get this one, I am so psyched.”

Gretchen: “Me too. Like, I so want to get “Skanky Nympho Slutz” I was born for this role, I wouldn’t have to even act.”

Heather; “Will you help me read?”

Gretchen: “Sure.”

Heather; “Ahem. (Stilted) Gosh . . . I . . . wonder . . . who . . .could . . . be . . .ringing . .our . . .doorbell . . . at . . .this . . .hour?”

Gretchen: “Don’t . . . get . . . out . . .of . . .the . . .Jacuzzi . . .I . . .will . . .put . . on . . .a . . little . . .robe . . .and . . .get . . . the . . . door. Oh . . my . . .if . . .it . . .isn’t . . .the . . Dallas . . .Cowboy . . .cheerleaders. Oh . . .and . . .look . . .they . . .brought . . .a . . . monkey (breaking character) darn it. My agent didn't tell me about this. I hate working with animals."

Heather: "Like me too. Wasn't that stupid german shepard we worked with last time like so unprofessional?"

Gretchen: "Totally. He like almost ruined that movie "Debbie Does Doggie-style."

Heather: "But the craft service on that set was awesome."

Gretchen: "It was. Who catered that, In N' Out"?

Heather: "No, that was the name of the scene."

Gretchen: "Oh, right."

And scene.

(Polite applause)

Stupid is now the new smart, sabes capice, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers?

Pill thrill
The FDA has approved a take-once-a-day Cialis pill. It brings new meaning to taking a one a day plus iron.

Feel the burn and the buzz
A Danish study claims that combining moderate drinking and exercise can significantly increase your life expectancy. Unless your workout includes tequila shots and chainsaw juggling.

Devine relief
Until now, unconvinced voters have left Rich "Goose" Gossage short eight times for the baseball Hall of Fame. However, Gossage has a different view; "I came into situations that God couldn't get out of, and I got out of them." Wow, I know some ex-jocks who thought they were God, this is the first one who thinks he’s better than God.

Asked to comment, God admitted that his relief pitching hasn’t been sharp lately but that is largely due to the fact that he is busy ruining the lives of athletes who claim he helped them win.

Although I am not a religious theologian and I don’t know if God can make an apple so big even he can’t eat it, I am pretty sure God can get out of a pitching jam of his own creation.

How would you like to be the umpire who had to toss God for arguing balls and strikes? Who’d he get to start his car that night?

Warning, this joke is wrong on about six levels
Have you seen the picture of Chelsea Clinton campaigning with her Mom, Hillary, in New Hampshire? Man, she looks all grown up and great. I’m afraid if she gets any hotter Bill might hit on her.

What the heck?
Posh Spice, Victoria Beckham, was named Mr. Blackwell’s worst dressed. Oh, come on, did the guy even look at my pictures? Just last week I left the house wearing lime green Crocs with black socks, brown and yellow striped shorts and a “Frankie Says Relax” t-shirt from 1985.

Since you asked:
Y’all know how much I hate to blow my own cooking horn, but I have officially turned grilling an awesome steak from an art form into a science. If the conditions are all equal, it is now a no-brainer. Sure if the meat is bigger and the fire source is trickier, ala the Weber, it gets a tad more exciting, but otherwise here it is.

Rub mix consists of a big blast of garlic powder and an almost as big blast of – thanks to my buddy Woody – this is the key: smoked paprika, a smaller dash of cumin. The mixed combination should look approximately like a California hillside at sunset. Golden red with a touch of some brown. Rub that on the steaks until both sides of the New York Strip Steak – best combination of fat and texture for the coin – are covered. Then add freshly ground pepper. Let them sit for half an hour. Right before the steaks go on the grill toss on the Sea Salt or Kosher salt.

Get gas grill hot, throw the steaks on the hottest part of the grill, which is the back, and sear for two minutes. (You should hear them sizzle when they hit the grill or your grill ain’t hot enough) After the first two minutes flip them. After another two minutes, minutes (four minutes total at this point) flip while rotating them 90 degrees and moving them up a foot towards the slightly less hot front of the grill. After two to two and a half minutes, flip them. After another two to two and a half minutes, flip again (Total of about just under nine minutes) They should have those perfect diagonal cross grill marks.

Take them off and drizzle with First Cold Press Virgin Olive Oil and hit ‘em with the salt again. Let them rest for two or three minutes - plenty of time to let the red wine you just poured breathe - with a loose tin foil tent and Bob is your frickin’ no good, son-of-a-bitch stinkin’ Uncle.

You can kiss me later.

Use the same rub for awesome hamburgers along with healthy dash of Worcestershire sauce on top. Remember, think of your burger as a mentally challenged steak. Just because it doesn’t have the same test scores doesn’t mean you don’t love them as much, so give them the same attention and opportunity.

Tuesday, January 08, 2008

This just in:
At a press conference where he continues to deny his steroid use, an angry Roger Clemens answered a question about the Hall of Fame by saying he doesn’t give a rat’s ass about the Baseball Hall of Fame. Upon hearing this, the rat confessed that Roger also injected steroids into its ass.

A New World Record in The blame game
Pakistani President Pervez Musharraf says Benazir Bhutto's assassination was her own fault because she came to Pakistan and stood up with her head outside her car. That’s like blaming a plane crash on a tray table that wasn’t locked in its full upright position.

And let’s not forgot also to blame the laws of physics for making a speeding bullet so darned dangerous.
Say what? Say what? Say what, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers?

(Doing my best Tim “The Tool Man” Allen grunting)
Matsushita introduced a 150-inch plasma television, which is the world's biggest. The screen is so big that, guys, you are guaranteed your money back if your buddies do not weep with envy.

I believe it’s called the Johnson Slammer 5000.

Matsushita is the Japanese word that means “Mine’s bigger.”

Mexican bandits? Since when?
The bandit’s crime spree on Mexico tourist beaches continues. In Cabo San Lucas, a thief tried to steal Paris Hilton’s dignity, but, of course, she didn’t have any.

That is the word Clemens is mad about?
Roger Clemens is suing his trainer for telling the Mitchell Report that he injected steroids into Clemens’s butt. If you ask me the word steroids is the least objectionable part of the sentence that states: he injected into Clemen’s butt.

Oh, no Dude, that’s not, oh forget it
InsureandGo revealed a study that showed about 11% of people who ski or snowboard have hit the slopes after drinking alcohol. It was a little awkward, when they asked a snowboarder if he had ever ridden inebriated, he said “No, dude, but I hear that run Inebriated is sick.”

Food names
A diner in New Hampshire has named a hamburger after Mike Huckabee; they also named a dessert after Dennis Kucinich: or as it also known, short cake.

Good news, bad news
After her loss in Iowa, Hillary Clinton became emotional at a press conference that some are referring to as Hillary’s meltdown. The good news for the trying-to-warm-up-her-frosty-image Hillary? This is the first time anyone has used the word Hillary along with melt.

Since you asked:
So Roger Clemens calls a press conference and then storms out in fury because he gets a question he doesn’t like? Well, if you ask me there is no better way to validate that you’re not on steroids than by flying into an uncontrollable rage.

Is there really anyone out there who still believes Roger Clemens is telling the truth about not using steroids because of the passion of his angry denials? How many examples do we need? Marion Jones? Barry Bonds? Sammy Sosa? How about Rafael Palmeiro? That arrogant idiot stood in front of congress and lied his guts out under oath about using steroids. Is there a more august body you could possibly lie to? Maybe the United Nations.

Mark McGuire actually thought it was a good idea to dress in tweeds and wear reading glasses and say he was not there, in congress, to talk about the past when that was the one and only reason McGuire was asked to talk to congress.

Does anyone really doubt the ability of somebody to lie convincingly who has knowingly cheated at their sport in front of millions of people performance after performance after performance?

Just how volatile is the heady mix of megalomania plus a low-IQ plus celebrity status plus being advised by equally dim-witted sycophants plus steroid-induced rage plus rapidly approaching middle age? Just how horrifically can that combustible storm explode? I’ve got one name for you: O.J. Simpson.

A little perspective is in order. At least Roger Clemens hasn’t murdered the mother of his children and her lover. Clemens has only just repeatedly cheated and repeatedly lied about cheating the national pastime. But it is the annoying way that Clemens is responding to the allegations, like a bratty six-year-old who won't admit they did something wrong, that is so aggravating .

Look at how Andy Pettitte handled the exact same situation. He basically said, OK, you caught me, I cheated, I won’t do it again. Are we fine with that? Yeah, I guess. It is a big stain on his reputation but at least Andy isn’t taking everyone down with him. Now, I know the expression throwing somebody under the bus is now a tired one, but Roger is throwing more people under the bus than can fit under the Trailways.

One thing we know about Clemens is that he is a bully. He only throws at batters, like he did at Mike Piazza, when he has the protection of the designated hitter. This is the same clown who brushed back his own son during a minor league rehab assignment. The one thing we know about bullies is they don’t respond well when the heat is on them. Roger is proving this over and over again.

Clemens, please, follow the lead of the person who has just gone through what you’re going to go through, Marion Jones. Make a tearful press conference admitting you lied and cheated and then hand over your Cy Young awards and World Series rings and ride off into oblivion with your fellow lying and cheating buddies, Mark, Sammy and Rafael.

Hopefully those dirtbags also don't , as Roger put it so well, give a rat's ass about the Baseball Hall of Fame, because, at this point, a rat's ass has a better chance of getting inducted.

Monday, January 07, 2008

We got our UCSB colors on

It’s all about the all about at this point in time it is what it is at the end of the day, quite literally, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

We have the Jags, why not the, well . . .
The San Diego Chargers beat the Tennessee Titans 17-6. Here is my question, if the Packers are the Pack, the Buccaneers are the Bucs, why aren’t the Titans the . . . oh, I see.

The San Diego Chargers beat the Tennessee Titans 17-6. It was a great win for the Chargers. In addition to fighting off the pesky Titans, the oddest thing happened in San Diego, water kept falling out of the sky all over everything. It was really odd.

Many San Diego fans had a hard time concentrating on the game while they kept looking up to see what was dribbling on their heads.

In a Channel 8 interview after the game, a crawl at the bottom of the screen boasted "Charger fans brave the weather." Really? It was 58 and drizzling, or as they call that in Green Bay: Tropical.

A bad sign
In an interview with “Sixty Minutes” Mike Wallace, Roger Clemens denied he had a guy inject steroids into his butt. Clemens claims he just has a really wide stance in the locker room.

Clemens was so angry at the accusations you could actually see his shirt ripping open as he turned green.

Medical terms
The celebrity gossip site, TMZ, claims Britney Spears has been diagnosed with Bi-Polar Disorder, which is the current name for the older diagnosis of Manic-Depression which replaced the even older term: Crazier-than-an-outhouse-rat.

Or something like that
The candidates are scrambling to New Hampshire to court voters. Those poor Iowa voters have to feel like the groupie after the band left town: lying in the hotel bed next to the empty tequila bottles with only a complimentary CD and a sexually transmitted disease to show for the evening. Or as Paris Hilton calls that: Tuesday.

Kudos to Jim Barach for the topics
"Hello Kitty" is being marketed to fashionable young men in Japan. The makers of “Hello Kitty” say it makes a fashion statement for young men. Yeah, it does make a fashion statement as long as the statement is “Please beat the ever-loving, living crap out of me.”

The Japanese actually have a term for those young men attracted to “Hello Kitty” fashion line, they are called; velly, velly gay.

Oh, little town of Bratleboro . . .
A town in Vermont, Brattleboro, is going to swear out a warrant for the arrest of President Bush and Dick Cheney if they ever come to town. We are not sure what the charges are, but if being incompetent was illegal, congress would be a one great big holding cell.

Not unprecedented
NBC announced they will air their Golden Globe award show despite the George-Clooney-led star boycott. It can be done, ABC aired “Dancing with the Stars” without any stars.

Taking their hot flashes on the road
LeBron James scored 24 of his 39 points in the fourth quarter after being inspired by heckling from two Toronto women sitting courtside as the Cleveland Cavaliers posted a 93-90 victory over the Raptors. The female hecklers worked so well the Cavaliers have hired Rosie O’Donnell and Judge Judy to join them on the road.

We kid the Danester
Dane Cook broke Dave Chappell’s world record by doing seven hours of stand up comedy in Los Angeles. And Cook broke his own record of being funny for five minutes.

Since you asked:
So how did Dane Cook get Hootie'd? (Hootie'd (who-teed) Verb To go, in short order, from obscurity to wildly popular to being scoffed at as uncool)

Sure, those endless and a-little-more-annoying-than-funny World Series promos did not help Mr. Cook, but the problem began before that. Dane was a victim of his own over-marketing.

To his credit and then to his detriment, Dane was the first comic smart enough to use the internet and e-mail promotion really well. So when his big shot came, the self-promotion continued unabated only now it was combined with all the ads for HBO and his movies and it was too much.

Plus Cook fell under the second album rule. Bands, like Hootie and the Blowfish, play their whole lives to get an album recorded and after it hits big, they have to come up with a second album right away and they just don't have the material. Same with comics.

But Cook is an energetic guy, a funny guy, a talented guy and he is going to do just fine. Not to worry about Dane Cook.

Desde que usted preguntó (Since you asked)
I have a few friends in Chicago and New York and New Jersey who are asking me what the heck is with the crime spree in Mexico. Here is how I see it.

Once you start to rationalize lawless behavior in a country as simply a colorful part of their culture, you begin to slide down a slippery slope that leads to the fiasco that is now occurring in Mexico. When the cops are so busy shaking down tourists, the real criminals don’t have to worry about getting caught by the cops.

When I first started going down to Mexico when I moved out to San Diego from New York, circa 1986, nothing could have been more fun. The food is amazing, the people were friendly, the ocean water and beaches were pristine. The problem was you had to bring somebody who spoke fluent Spanish to deal with the cops who would shake you down for no apparent reason.

OK, fine, take all of your money out of your wallet save for $20 bucks, when the Mexican police pull you over, you show them that is all you have. This worked for about five years. Then I started hearing stories of people tossed in jail if they didn’t have at least $100.

Along this time a bunch of us gringo windsurfers were having beers at a tourist spot on the beach in Ensenada and one of my friends came up to me and said; “That Mexican stole my beer.” I walked right up to the thief and grabbed the beer back. Next thing I know there are four guns pointing at my head. These were local cops drinking off duty. They were grabbing American women, stealing beers and starting fights simply because they could.

That was my “I am never going back to Mexico” moment. Now people are getting routinely assaulted, beaten and even shot. And that is by the cops. The crooks are worse.

With more and more American tourists refusing to put up with the corrupt police, the more the competition grows between the thieves and cops for the dwindling gringo money. A few years ago when you heard about an American tourist getting hurt or rolled, you had some sympathy. Now it is so bad you just say what the hell did they expect?