Say what? Say what? Say what, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers?

(Doing my best Tim “The Tool Man” Allen grunting)
Matsushita introduced a 150-inch plasma television, which is the world's biggest. The screen is so big that, guys, you are guaranteed your money back if your buddies do not weep with envy.

I believe it’s called the Johnson Slammer 5000.

Matsushita is the Japanese word that means “Mine’s bigger.”

Mexican bandits? Since when?
The bandit’s crime spree on Mexico tourist beaches continues. In Cabo San Lucas, a thief tried to steal Paris Hilton’s dignity, but, of course, she didn’t have any.

That is the word Clemens is mad about?
Roger Clemens is suing his trainer for telling the Mitchell Report that he injected steroids into Clemens’s butt. If you ask me the word steroids is the least objectionable part of the sentence that states: he injected into Clemen’s butt.


Oh, no Dude, that’s not, oh forget it
InsureandGo revealed a study that showed about 11% of people who ski or snowboard have hit the slopes after drinking alcohol. It was a little awkward, when they asked a snowboarder if he had ever ridden inebriated, he said “No, dude, but I hear that run Inebriated is sick.”

Food names
A diner in New Hampshire has named a hamburger after Mike Huckabee; they also named a dessert after Dennis Kucinich: or as it also known, short cake.


Good news, bad news
After her loss in Iowa, Hillary Clinton became emotional at a press conference that some are referring to as Hillary’s meltdown. The good news for the trying-to-warm-up-her-frosty-image Hillary? This is the first time anyone has used the word Hillary along with melt.

Since you asked:
So Roger Clemens calls a press conference and then storms out in fury because he gets a question he doesn’t like? Well, if you ask me there is no better way to validate that you’re not on steroids than by flying into an uncontrollable rage.


Is there really anyone out there who still believes Roger Clemens is telling the truth about not using steroids because of the passion of his angry denials? How many examples do we need? Marion Jones? Barry Bonds? Sammy Sosa? How about Rafael Palmeiro? That arrogant idiot stood in front of congress and lied his guts out under oath about using steroids. Is there a more august body you could possibly lie to? Maybe the United Nations.


Mark McGuire actually thought it was a good idea to dress in tweeds and wear reading glasses and say he was not there, in congress, to talk about the past when that was the one and only reason McGuire was asked to talk to congress.


Does anyone really doubt the ability of somebody to lie convincingly who has knowingly cheated at their sport in front of millions of people performance after performance after performance?


Just how volatile is the heady mix of megalomania plus a low-IQ plus celebrity status plus being advised by equally dim-witted sycophants plus steroid-induced rage plus rapidly approaching middle age? Just how horrifically can that combustible storm explode? I’ve got one name for you: O.J. Simpson.


A little perspective is in order. At least Roger Clemens hasn’t murdered the mother of his children and her lover. Clemens has only just repeatedly cheated and repeatedly lied about cheating the national pastime. But it is the annoying way that Clemens is responding to the allegations, like a bratty six-year-old who won't admit they did something wrong, that is so aggravating .

Look at how Andy Pettitte handled the exact same situation. He basically said, OK, you caught me, I cheated, I won’t do it again. Are we fine with that? Yeah, I guess. It is a big stain on his reputation but at least Andy isn’t taking everyone down with him. Now, I know the expression throwing somebody under the bus is now a tired one, but Roger is throwing more people under the bus than can fit under the Trailways.

One thing we know about Clemens is that he is a bully. He only throws at batters, like he did at Mike Piazza, when he has the protection of the designated hitter. This is the same clown who brushed back his own son during a minor league rehab assignment. The one thing we know about bullies is they don’t respond well when the heat is on them. Roger is proving this over and over again.

Clemens, please, follow the lead of the person who has just gone through what you’re going to go through, Marion Jones. Make a tearful press conference admitting you lied and cheated and then hand over your Cy Young awards and World Series rings and ride off into oblivion with your fellow lying and cheating buddies, Mark, Sammy and Rafael.

Hopefully those dirtbags also don't , as Roger put it so well, give a rat's ass about the Baseball Hall of Fame, because, at this point, a rat's ass has a better chance of getting inducted.