Get your nekkid on, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers
Once again
A 42-year-old Houston teacher, Shannon Kay Hrozek, was arrested for sexually assaulting her 16-year-old male student. She claims it was a math quiz. She was trying to show him how many times 16 goes into 42.
She was caught reportedly giving him, well, let’s call it an oral quiz.
What is going on? When I was in high school getting screwed by a teacher meant being sent to detention.
Boing
The FDA has approved a take-once-a-day Cialis erectile dysfunction pill. It brings new meaning to taking a one a day plus iron.
Ouch
A Danish study claims that combining moderate drinking and exercise can significantly increase your life expectancy. Unless your workout is boozing and hunting with Dick Cheney.
Give me a break
A survey claims one in four Americans said they would donate a kidney to a stranger. Yeah right, this in the same country where people will intentionally kill time in their car just to keep from giving somebody else their parking spot.
We kid the garden state
A survey claims 75% of New Jersey residents are happy living there. The other 25% had to move due to witness relocation.
The other 25% asked; “What the heck is that smell?”
Oui?
The smoking ban in French bistros continues and the French are not handling it well. The French are so grumpy from not smoking, in Paris a fight broke out in a bar and not one single Frenchman offered to surrender.
Get it?
The investigation continues into that terrible tiger attack at the San Francisco zoo. And once the word got out in the gay community the zoo had a man-eating tiger, the lines have been a mile long.
Ingratiate in 2008
Some political pundits are dubbing this the election of the likeable candidates. John McCain is jovial and avuncular, Mike Huckabee is folksy and yet witty, Barack Obama is charming and charismatic, and Hillary Clinton is, uh, well, how about that pantsuit collection?
As opposed to the last presidential election. John Kerry was to likeable what airport seats are to comfortable.
Since you asked:
OK, you brought up Internet porn, so let’s talk about it. My problem with Internet porn is that I can’t get past the horrible titles. Who are the morons who name these things? Half the time they have speling erors. Hello? Spel chek. Look into it.
And, as I have mentioned before, please tell me the “models” in these porn shoots don’t know the name it will have before they accept them. It would break my heart to think that, somewhere in the waiting room of some sleazy studio in Van Nuys, two pathetic Paris-Hilton-wannabe struggling porn actressess had this discussion:
Heather: “Did you get “Filthy Lezbo Whores”?
Gretchen: “Nooo, like I am so bummed. I was so right for that part.”
Heather; “I hope we get this one, I am so psyched.”
Gretchen: “Me too. Like, I so want to get “Skanky Nympho Slutz” I was born for this role, I wouldn’t have to even act.”
Heather; “Will you help me read?”
Gretchen: “Sure.”
Heather; “Ahem. (Stilted) Gosh . . . I . . . wonder . . . who . . .could . . . be . . .ringing . .our . . .doorbell . . . at . . .this . . .hour?”
Gretchen: “Don’t . . . get . . . out . . .of . . .the . . .Jacuzzi . . .I . . .will . . .put . . on . . .a . . little . . .robe . . .and . . .get . . . the . . . door. Oh . . my . . .if . . .it . . .isn’t . . .the . . Dallas . . .Cowboy . . .cheerleaders. Oh . . .and . . .look . . .they . . .brought . . .a . . . monkey (breaking character) darn it. My agent didn't tell me about this. I hate working with animals."
Heather: "Like me too. Wasn't that stupid german shepard we worked with last time like so unprofessional?"
Gretchen: "Totally. He like almost ruined that movie "Debbie Does Doggie-style."
Heather: "But the craft service on that set was awesome."
Gretchen: "It was. Who catered that, In N' Out"?
Heather: "No, that was the name of the scene."
Gretchen: "Oh, right."
And scene.
(Polite applause)
Once again
A 42-year-old Houston teacher, Shannon Kay Hrozek, was arrested for sexually assaulting her 16-year-old male student. She claims it was a math quiz. She was trying to show him how many times 16 goes into 42.
She was caught reportedly giving him, well, let’s call it an oral quiz.
What is going on? When I was in high school getting screwed by a teacher meant being sent to detention.
Boing
The FDA has approved a take-once-a-day Cialis erectile dysfunction pill. It brings new meaning to taking a one a day plus iron.
Ouch
A Danish study claims that combining moderate drinking and exercise can significantly increase your life expectancy. Unless your workout is boozing and hunting with Dick Cheney.
Give me a break
A survey claims one in four Americans said they would donate a kidney to a stranger. Yeah right, this in the same country where people will intentionally kill time in their car just to keep from giving somebody else their parking spot.
We kid the garden state
A survey claims 75% of New Jersey residents are happy living there. The other 25% had to move due to witness relocation.
The other 25% asked; “What the heck is that smell?”
Oui?
The smoking ban in French bistros continues and the French are not handling it well. The French are so grumpy from not smoking, in Paris a fight broke out in a bar and not one single Frenchman offered to surrender.
Get it?
The investigation continues into that terrible tiger attack at the San Francisco zoo. And once the word got out in the gay community the zoo had a man-eating tiger, the lines have been a mile long.
Ingratiate in 2008
Some political pundits are dubbing this the election of the likeable candidates. John McCain is jovial and avuncular, Mike Huckabee is folksy and yet witty, Barack Obama is charming and charismatic, and Hillary Clinton is, uh, well, how about that pantsuit collection?
As opposed to the last presidential election. John Kerry was to likeable what airport seats are to comfortable.
Since you asked:
OK, you brought up Internet porn, so let’s talk about it. My problem with Internet porn is that I can’t get past the horrible titles. Who are the morons who name these things? Half the time they have speling erors. Hello? Spel chek. Look into it.
And, as I have mentioned before, please tell me the “models” in these porn shoots don’t know the name it will have before they accept them. It would break my heart to think that, somewhere in the waiting room of some sleazy studio in Van Nuys, two pathetic Paris-Hilton-wannabe struggling porn actressess had this discussion:
Heather: “Did you get “Filthy Lezbo Whores”?
Gretchen: “Nooo, like I am so bummed. I was so right for that part.”
Heather; “I hope we get this one, I am so psyched.”
Gretchen: “Me too. Like, I so want to get “Skanky Nympho Slutz” I was born for this role, I wouldn’t have to even act.”
Heather; “Will you help me read?”
Gretchen: “Sure.”
Heather; “Ahem. (Stilted) Gosh . . . I . . . wonder . . . who . . .could . . . be . . .ringing . .our . . .doorbell . . . at . . .this . . .hour?”
Gretchen: “Don’t . . . get . . . out . . .of . . .the . . .Jacuzzi . . .I . . .will . . .put . . on . . .a . . little . . .robe . . .and . . .get . . . the . . . door. Oh . . my . . .if . . .it . . .isn’t . . .the . . Dallas . . .Cowboy . . .cheerleaders. Oh . . .and . . .look . . .they . . .brought . . .a . . . monkey (breaking character) darn it. My agent didn't tell me about this. I hate working with animals."
Heather: "Like me too. Wasn't that stupid german shepard we worked with last time like so unprofessional?"
Gretchen: "Totally. He like almost ruined that movie "Debbie Does Doggie-style."
Heather: "But the craft service on that set was awesome."
Gretchen: "It was. Who catered that, In N' Out"?
Heather: "No, that was the name of the scene."
Gretchen: "Oh, right."
And scene.
(Polite applause)
posted by Alex at
11:59 AM
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