Saturday, September 22, 2007

We callin’ it down right to the ground, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

A Croatian motorcyclist stopped to relieve himself and his penis was struck by lightening. And you don’t even want to know what part of his body the thunder came out of.

Old randy dudes
A Stanford study claims men over the age of 60 who have sex with younger women live longer; but the women they have sex with older men don’t live longer, their life just seems a lot longer.

A Stanford study claims that men over the age of 60 who have sex with younger women live longer; old dudes are going to run with this: “Hey, young Missy, you don’t want me to die do you?”

Almost made it
Floyd Landis has been found guilty of doping and must forfeit his Tour De France title; gosh, I hope this isolated incident doesn’t hurt the credibility and wild popularity of the Tour De France with Ameri . . . ha ha ha ha, oh, shoot, I thought I could make it through without cracking up.

Mahmoud I’m-a-nut-job
Iran’s squirrelly president, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, has been barred from visiting ground zero after he requested a photo opportunity to place a wreath; Mahmoud has been granted permission, however, to place flowers at the Tomb of The Insane Dictators.

Another genius named Simpson
Jessica Simpson wants to cross over from pop to country music. This won’t be an easy transition for Jessica. She just learned how to spell Pop.

Jessica Simpson wants to cross over from pop to country music. And Britney Spears has already crossed over from Pop to slapstick comedy.

Not even close
An MIT student, Star Simpson, walked into Logan Airport with a fake bomb strapped to her chest. As incredibly stupid as this is, this is only the second stupidest thing done this week by a person named Simpson.

Not mother of the year
Britney Spears was ordered to clean up her act and be a better parent. But I don’t think Britney gets it. Britney’s idea of better parenting is to put chopped fruit in her kid’s Jello shots.

Friday, September 21, 2007

Stompy the Wonder Chimp goes stomp, stomp, stomping around, Torn Slatterns and Nuget Ranchers

OJ Simpson is out on bail and back in Miami, Florida; OJ said he is going to spend his time before his trial searching for the real memorabilia dealers.

Last week’s “Sports Illustrated” revealed that Arizona Diamondback outfielder, Eric Byrnes, doesn’t wear underwear; well no wonder his on-base-percentage is so high, he starts each at bat with two balls.

A judge has told Britney Spears she is subject to random drug tests. I’m not sure Britney gets it. She said “So I can still take all drugs except for that one called Random?”

Be honest, don’t you wish you could be OJ Simpson’s lawyer right now? “Well, OJ, we have good news and bad news. The bad news is it looks like you could go away for life. The good news? I saved a ton of money on my auto insurance with Geico.”

Have you seen that crying guy defending Britney Spears? I’m still not sure what it is, but millions of people have seen this and not once did one single person say to themselves: “Oh, our future is fine, we have nothing to worry about. These kids are gonna be great.”

Have you seen that crying guy defending Britney Spears? Osama bin Laden saw it and said; “Oh my Allah, we really do have to destroy them.”

Big exciting NFL week three coming up. Except for the New England Patriots, they’ve already seen the video and know they beat the Buffalo Bills 24-7.

A little bit of observational humor. Or maybe just some observations

You know how, when you are out and about -, and you know where you are when you are out and about - and you see someone you know? You kinda get all excited, but then you have to make sure you remember their name, then you wrack your brain for something funny or cute to say, or something you thought about them since you’ve seen them, to prove you’ve thought about them since then, even though you haven’t.

And you want to act like you really want to know what they’ve been up to since you’ve seen them, even though you don’t really care.

And then it turns out it’s not that person, just someone who looks like them? You get pissed off at them, don’t you? Like they were in on some scheme to mess with you. Your brain is saying:

“Hey, you’re not the person I know. What the f*ck? I went to a lot of trouble here to remember their name and say stuff to my person and then you go and not be my person on me. You’re somebody else who I don’t even know. I got not stories about you. Jeeze, what the hell? Don’t do that again.”

Then you give them a long look and think OK, you got me this time, but you’re not going to fool me into thinking you’re who I thought you were ever again, you got that, you freakin’ imposter?”

At least you don’t have to find out what they’ve been doing since you last saw them.

But worse than that is, now that I am getting more near sighted, I will see someone I think I know and wave, just to be safe, and it turns out it’s not them. Now the fact that this total stranger thinks I’m an idiot is the most important thing in the world to me.

“Oh, sorry, I thought you were someone, oh, never mind. Heh, he.”

But worse than both of those is – and this is, again, due to my bad eyesight – when somebody who does know you says your name and you can’t tell quite yet who it is. You gotta give the fake

Oh, hi, how’s it going?”

But in your mind you’re thinking, Oh crap, I can’t tell who you are yet. This is the modern day equivalent of the old west when someone pulled their gun and had the drop on you. You got none of that stuff ready to go, their name, a cute story, proof that you were thinking about them. Until you can get close enough to I.D them, you gotta go straight to the part you care the least about:

“So, what have you been up to since I last saw you?”

Thursday, September 20, 2007

We layin’ down the law up in this hee haw, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

How did that happen?
Hillary Clinton unveiled her health care plan and OJ Simpson is facing trial. That means its 1994 again, time to get in my Chevy Astro Van and drive to warn John Wayne Bobbitt that his wife Lorena is going to chip off his penis. And then I’ll watch “Forrest Gump.”

Oh, goody
The Phil Spector jury is dead-locked and OJ Simpson is out on bail; with any luck OJ and Phil may yet make their appointment to go speed-dating with Robert Blake

A lot more
In sad news, last week, Alex the Parrot passed away at age 31. Alex could not only say over 100 words, but he proved he understood what he said. Which is a lot more than you can say about Miss Teen South Carolina.

After being arrested for robbing sports memorabilia at gunpoint in Las Vegas, OJ Simpson is out on $125,000 bail; in a related story, OJ Simpson has posted a rusty, dirty knife for sale for on E-bay for $125,000.

OJ Redux
After being arrested and jailed for robbing sports memorabilia at gunpoint in Las Vegas, OJ Simpson is out on bail; this trial will not be easy for OJ’s lawyer. You try and find something that rhymes with memorabilia besides hemophilia.

“Give us back OJ’s memorabilia, or you will bleed like you got hemophilia.”

After being arrested and jailed for robbing sports memorabilia at gunpoint in Las Vegas, OJ Simpson is out on bail; we can only assume his lawyer is preparing for a trial: “If they were his cleats, these charges we’ll beat.”

“If the jersey was thirty two, out the jail he must pass through.”

Or somebody like that
New York Knicks coach and President, Isiah Thomas, is on trial for sexual harassment including accusations of calling an assistant a bitch and a ‘ho. Who the hell does this Thomas guy think he is, Don Imus?

How come Al Sharpton hasn’t demanded that Thomas be fired?

That’s a good look
Time magazine’s cover story is about the presidential candidate’s spouses. Did you know 61-year-old Dennis Kucinich’s 29-year-old wife, Elizabeth, has a tongue stud? If he wins we’ll have to install a stripper pole in the White House.

Sounds familiar
The Phil Spector trial is dead locked. Kind of like that woman he dated.

The Phil Spector trial is dead locked. Which, after OJ and Robert Blake, raises the philosophical question: if a celebrity kills someone in a forest, can an L.A. jury hear the body drop?

Hand written
New "Time" columnist Steve Rushin wrote a piece about a letter he received from President Bush thanking him for his past work at “Sports Illustrated.” The letter was hand-written, funny, thoughtful, perfectly spelled and grammatically correct. In short, Laura must have written it.

New "Time" columnist Steve Rushin wrote a piece about a letter he received from President Bush thanking him for his work at “Sports Illustrated.” The good news is the letter was funny, and well-written. The other good news is that now Bush knows how we feel when somebody goes through our damn mail.

What didn't make it?
CBS debuts “Kid Nation” tonight where unsupervised children use dangerous power tools and flammable appliances to risk serious injury for a reality TV show. Here is my question: what pitches did they turn down as too risky?

Narrator: “What happens when a bunch of children pour honey on themselves and run into a bear-infested forest? Watch “The Honeyhead Kids” and find out.”

Since you asked:

So there I was, locked out of the house without a key – no lie, I can go to my car, remember I forgot something, walk back and Virg will have locked me out of the house – so I enter the gate at the side of the garage/house. I was surprised to see the beasts, Kasey and Wrigley, were not at their usual posts by the gate where they can monitor the goings on in the street through the crack in the fence.

So I snuck in and decided I wanted to test just how good of watchdogs these two are.

When they know we can see them, Kasey and Wrigley make a grand show of being very brave and barking at somebody coming to the house in a manner so fierce it has scared many delivery and yard care guys nearly to death.

So, before they can see me, I start disguising my voice and making scary-sounding grumbling noises. No dogs. More grumbling and growling only a lot louder. Not a peep.

So I poke my head around the corner into the yard to see what they were doing. There in the farthest corner of the fence from where I was, were two Labradors huddled right next together trembling in total abject fear. If they could have wrapped their arms around each other, they would have.

When Wrigley saw that it was me, a look of pure relief came across his face as they came running up to greet me in their most eager “Oh, thank god its you, I was scared to death” way you have ever seen.

And then to show that they were still tough, they started barking at the guys working in the neighbors front yard.

Yep, those are my doggies.

Wednesday, September 19, 2007

They best sit their ten-dollar tookus down before we make change, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

I’m too sexy
Did you hear the Eighties band Right Said Fred is thinking of a comeback? They have a new single coming out inspired by Northwest Airlines. It’s called “I’m too sexy for my plane.”

It does feel good
OJ Simpson was arrested and is in jail in Las Vegas. Repeat: OJ Simpson was arrested and is in jail in Las Vegas. I don’t have a joke here, I just really, really love saying that.

OJ Simpson was arrested and is in jail in Las Vegas. Here’s hoping that what happened is Las Vegas stays in Las Vegas.

Really? A threat? From France? Really?
French Foreign Minister Bernard Kouchner said Iran’s of military threat; “We have to prepare for the worst, and the worst is war.” Iran was really upset and worried about this threat until they remembered that, well, it came from France.

Is France really a threat? That’s like Chevy Chase threatening to ruin somebody’s movie career.

Since you asked:
Can we talk a while about how stupid O.J. Simpson is? Let’s, for now, forget the whole he-thought-he-could-get-away-with-killing-his-wife-and-her-boyfriend-but-luckily-for-him-he-had-a-jury-and-prosecutors-that-were-even-dumber-than-he-is thing.

OJ broke into a hotel room to steal back, at gun point, his own memorabilia. OJ was not wearing a mask. What are the chances that somebody who just got robbed at gunpoint – which is pretty illegal in most states – by OJ Simpson, wouldn’t be able to ID OJ Simpson and then finger him to the cops? Osama bin Laden knows what OJ Simpson looks like.

Let’s pretend that OJ was smart enough to wear a mask, which is a huge leap of faith. Everyone knows what OJ sounds like. And even if he did disguise his voice, who else would get mad at their memorabilia being sold but the person whose memorabilia is being sold in the first place?

John Elway is not going bust in furious that OJ Simpson memorabilia is being sold without his permission. Only OJ Simpson would be mad that somebody was selling OJ Simpson memorabilia. So it wouldn’t take Sherlock Holmes to figure out who had the motive to steal back OJ Simpson memorabilia. That would, again, be OJ Simpson.

Even if OJ had been smart enough to hire someone to steal the OJ memorabilia, wouldn't they be able to figure out they had to be hired by OJ? Nobody else on the planet cares if OJ memorabilia is being sold without OJ's permission, except, you got it, OJ.

But it wasn’t enough for OJ to break into a hotel room – which is fairly illegal – at gunpoint –which is also illegal – threaten the lives of the memorabilia dealers – which is, again, illegal - and steal the sports memorabilia – which, you guessed it, is illegal. OJ took it two more steps into stupidity. OJ didn’t check to find out somebody was recording the whole thing on their cell phone. So everything I just said OJ did was not only illegal, it was recorded. It is on tape. OJ, looking like OJ, broke in with guns, stole his own stuff and all of this was recorded.

And yet, OJ still denied it. How is OJ smart enough to tie up his ugly-ass shoes?

Like most people, I wanted to see OJ fry for his cowardly murders. But now I am having second thoughts. If OJ had gone to prison for life, or been given a lethal injection, his legacy may have included the redemption of having paid for his crimes, as heinous as they were.

By being out in the world, we get to see almost monthly how embarrassingly needy and starving for attention OJ is and how stupid OJ really is. Nobody, except maybe Britney Spears, could do a better job of ruining a legacy than OJ, but he needs to be out in public to do it. It hard to ruin your dignity when you're in jail. Well, except maybe for Paris Hilton.

So what am I saying? I'm saying free OJ. The lives of comedy writers might depend on it.

Tuesday, September 18, 2007

Yo, home-bucket here is on fire and splitting some wigs up in this this here, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

(Knock on wood. No, really, knock on wood three times)

Well, I am . . .
I was going to fly to Vegas this weekend, but I was terrified Southwest Airlines would kick me off the plane for being too damn sexy.

Well, that’s nice
The Minneapolis Airport men’s room where Sen. Larry Craig was arrested has turned into a tourist attraction. The tourists are impressed at just how friendly the occupants of the bathroom are. One tourist was overheard at the urinal saying; “That’s nice of you but I’ll shake it myself.”

Take something for that
OJ Simpson was arrested in connection with armed robbery of sports memorabilia at a Las Vegas Casino. Now the theft victim says he wants to drop all charges because he has health problems. Turns out he is allergic to stab wounds.

Busy guy
The San Diego Chargers lost to the New England Patriots 38-14. The loss was so humiliating for the Chargers, Brady even got two of the Chargers cheerleaders pregnant.

Or something like that
Tiger Woods won the $10 mil Fed Ex Cup. That’s like finding out Leona Helmsley’s dog that inherited $12 million won the Powerball Lottery.

Speed this along, Sweetcakes
Sally Field won an Emmy Sunday night for “Brothers and Sisters” and she made a long, rambling speech. Even Miss Teen South Carolina was asking her to wrap it up.

Do the math
OJ Simpson was arrested in connection with armed robbery of sports memorabilia at a Las Vegas Casino. Simpson says he didn’t have a gun or rob anyone, which of course means Simpson had a gun and he robbed someone.

Can you imagine if OJ does prison time for stealing sports memorabilia? That would be like arresting Osama bin Laden for making bad videos.

O.J. Simpson has been arrested for theft at the Palace Casino in Las Vegas; Simpson said it was obvious he didn’t do it because nobody was brutally stabbed to death.

O.J. Simpson has been arrested for theft at the Palace Casino in Las Vegas; have you heard the tape? Apparently OJ used to write for “The Sopranos.”

Next on Fox
“Kid Nation” airs Wed on CBS. It’s a reality show where unsupervised children use dangerous power tools and flammable appliances to build a town and survive in it. Here’s my question: what shows were rejected in favor of this salacious crap? “Which kids are going to be the first to make it across the busy freeway? Stay tuned for “Child Dash on the 405.”

“Kid Nation” airs Wednesday on CBS. It’s a reality show where unsupervised children use dangerous power tools and flammable appliances to build a town and survive in it. What slimy stage parent would OK this? It should be “Are their parents smarter than a fifth grader?”

The name game
Notre Dame has lost their first three games, losing to 0-2 Michigan, 38-0. It is so bad for Notre Dame they have to change the name of Touchdown Jesus to Punting Jesus.

Since you asked:
What a great weekend. Friday night, Virg went out with her pals and I hung with the Stinker, Ann Caroline, for some take out barbeque. We watched the US Women’s World Cup win over Sweden and we had some fierce “Connect Four” matches. (She won two out of three, or something like that. OK, she won all three) Then she went to bed and I watched the DVR’d Cubs win.

Saturday I had a good workout at the gym, and then we headed out to East, East El Cajon – (More like West, West Arizona) for A.C.’s soccer game. It is amazing how the geography changes 35 minutes east of us. Very Arizona-like-and beautiful dessert mountainous terrain but, hot, hot, hot.

Not to be one of those obnoxious bragging soccer parents but AC’s team won 5-1. Huh? Oh, well, if you really want to know, AC scored a couple goals. OK, three goals and one assist, but who’s counting?

Right after the game and just two exits off I8 West, we were off to our good friend Rich Messina’s retirement party at Joan Embry’s estate. It was wild, her grounds are made for entertaining and I got to play harmonica with the guitarist. (He had a drum machine) It was fun. Tasty brisket and beans, lots of good wine great folks. How many people can say they played harmonica at Joan Embry’s ranch? Probably not many.

Sunday got up and tore up the bike at the gym and braced the couch for some serious surfing. Our also good friend, Nanette, came over for bagels and lox and coffee. I personally made her coffee with a dash of milk and a packet of Splenda, ‘cause that’s how I roll. Nanette was looking at the coffee kind of funny – I could sorta tell she didn’t like it – when she said;

“This coffee tastes really, uh, interesting. What did you do to it?”

I explained I put some Splenda with a tad of vanilla in it. She said;

“Oh, that must be it, I sweetened it too.”

As we don’t have any sugar that sits out on a counter, I was curious what she sweetened it with. When I asked, she pointed to a clear, small glass bowl filled with white granules with a lid that was on the counter.

“That’s Kosher salt, Nanette.”

We died laughing. She had sweetened her coffee with a teaspoon of pure salt. The best part was how polite she was at first on how “different” my coffee tasted.

That is a good lesson for chefs. The drive to be polite can be so strong that a woman can sit there politely sipping vile-sodium poisoned coffee and still say that it was “interesting.”

The rest of the day it was football, golf, football, and then football, a little baseball, and then back to football. Chinese food and Bob is your freakin’ stinkin’ blinkin’ Uncle.

“Camp Hollywood”
It embarrasses me to admit that lately I have been obsessed with a low-budget documentary on the Sundance channel called “Camp Hollywood.” What a fascinating glimpse into modern Hollywood, the history of Hollywood and our society in general.

It all takes place at this classic exposed-beams-built-hip-for-the-Fifties-but-now-wildly-tacky hotel/apartment building, the Highland Gardens, right up from Hollywood Blvd. The history is amazing, Janice Joplin OD’d on heroin in room 105, Errol Flynn used to live there, Jim Morrison of the Doors stayed there, the Rat Pack used to party in the lobby in the late Fifties.

This is the real Hotel California. (Did you think I would make it through this without an Eagle reference?)

It’s a tacky hotel/apartment building that is filled with wannabe stars and has-beens and never-will-bes. Some big name actors live there. There was that guy who was in that thing along with that other guy. The one guy is big, he plays the crazy fat producer on “Entourage” and was the crazy officer who peed himself and blew his brains out in “Dances with Wolves” Maury Chaykin.

And, as it was filmed a few years ago, a couple of the up and comers have up and come. The drop-dead gorgeous Malin Akerman has hit it big on HBO’s “The Comeback” and “Entourage” and just-released “The Heartbreak Kid.” She came off as an airhead narcissist diva and why wouldn’t she be?

As gorgeous as Akerman is, the two other engenues, angenues, fledgling actresses, Brooke Nevin and Laura Jordan come off much more likeable and interesting. The rumors of Hollywood still being a hotbed for alcoholism, drug abuse and wild sex are fueled and fanned as the residents gather to party and party hard every night.

The lonely artist bit is played to the hilt by all and they circle the wagons in a supportive/self-masturbatory “Aren’t we just the bravest little rebels and gypsies?” way as best they can. However, the overriding sense is profound sadness and emptiness that hangs heavy along with the sorrowful guilt of “Wondering what I’ve left behind?”(Did you really think I was going to make it through this without an Eagle line?”) These people have given up a lot to live very modestly for their beloved craft.

And the really sad part is that these people reflect the ones in the middle of Hollywood either on the way up or on the way back down. There is a whole other level beneath this of people who share dumps in South Central and Echo Park and or live in their cars and vans.

As I have mentioned, there are two species in Hollywood according to the people in Hollywood: those who can help your career and those who cannot. The prior receive no end of butt smooching, and the latter are dropped like a bag of so much fetid garbage.

“Camp Hollywood” made me realize how guilty I should feel over how half-assed an effort I gave to doing stand up. As I was already getting work writing comedy, I treated stand up like it was a fun intramural sport performing on Thursday “San Diego All Star Night” at the Comedy Store in La Jolla with other up and comers. Several times I hosted charity events that sold out.

Most of the other people on "All Star Night" had devoted their lives to stand up and some were actually living in their cars. And, even as half-assed as my effort was, I did pretty well, in all modesty. (I showcased for owner Mitzi Shore many times. She didn’t seem to like my act, but I did showcase for her) In the end stand up was just too performy, too actor-ery and was surrounded by too many truly annoying wannabe artists. But I still like to do it. Lately it has been at corporate gigs.

Jay Leno has a story where he was arrested for vagrancy on Hollywood Blvd, right on the spot where he later got his star on the “Walk of Fame. That sort of sums up the entertainment bidness.

And that was a block away from the Highland Gardens.

(You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave)