Wednesday, September 19, 2007

They best sit their ten-dollar tookus down before we make change, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

I’m too sexy
Did you hear the Eighties band Right Said Fred is thinking of a comeback? They have a new single coming out inspired by Northwest Airlines. It’s called “I’m too sexy for my plane.”

It does feel good
OJ Simpson was arrested and is in jail in Las Vegas. Repeat: OJ Simpson was arrested and is in jail in Las Vegas. I don’t have a joke here, I just really, really love saying that.

OJ Simpson was arrested and is in jail in Las Vegas. Here’s hoping that what happened is Las Vegas stays in Las Vegas.

Really? A threat? From France? Really?
French Foreign Minister Bernard Kouchner said Iran’s of military threat; “We have to prepare for the worst, and the worst is war.” Iran was really upset and worried about this threat until they remembered that, well, it came from France.

Is France really a threat? That’s like Chevy Chase threatening to ruin somebody’s movie career.

Since you asked:
Can we talk a while about how stupid O.J. Simpson is? Let’s, for now, forget the whole he-thought-he-could-get-away-with-killing-his-wife-and-her-boyfriend-but-luckily-for-him-he-had-a-jury-and-prosecutors-that-were-even-dumber-than-he-is thing.

OJ broke into a hotel room to steal back, at gun point, his own memorabilia. OJ was not wearing a mask. What are the chances that somebody who just got robbed at gunpoint – which is pretty illegal in most states – by OJ Simpson, wouldn’t be able to ID OJ Simpson and then finger him to the cops? Osama bin Laden knows what OJ Simpson looks like.

Let’s pretend that OJ was smart enough to wear a mask, which is a huge leap of faith. Everyone knows what OJ sounds like. And even if he did disguise his voice, who else would get mad at their memorabilia being sold but the person whose memorabilia is being sold in the first place?

John Elway is not going bust in furious that OJ Simpson memorabilia is being sold without his permission. Only OJ Simpson would be mad that somebody was selling OJ Simpson memorabilia. So it wouldn’t take Sherlock Holmes to figure out who had the motive to steal back OJ Simpson memorabilia. That would, again, be OJ Simpson.

Even if OJ had been smart enough to hire someone to steal the OJ memorabilia, wouldn't they be able to figure out they had to be hired by OJ? Nobody else on the planet cares if OJ memorabilia is being sold without OJ's permission, except, you got it, OJ.

But it wasn’t enough for OJ to break into a hotel room – which is fairly illegal – at gunpoint –which is also illegal – threaten the lives of the memorabilia dealers – which is, again, illegal - and steal the sports memorabilia – which, you guessed it, is illegal. OJ took it two more steps into stupidity. OJ didn’t check to find out somebody was recording the whole thing on their cell phone. So everything I just said OJ did was not only illegal, it was recorded. It is on tape. OJ, looking like OJ, broke in with guns, stole his own stuff and all of this was recorded.

And yet, OJ still denied it. How is OJ smart enough to tie up his ugly-ass shoes?

Like most people, I wanted to see OJ fry for his cowardly murders. But now I am having second thoughts. If OJ had gone to prison for life, or been given a lethal injection, his legacy may have included the redemption of having paid for his crimes, as heinous as they were.

By being out in the world, we get to see almost monthly how embarrassingly needy and starving for attention OJ is and how stupid OJ really is. Nobody, except maybe Britney Spears, could do a better job of ruining a legacy than OJ, but he needs to be out in public to do it. It hard to ruin your dignity when you're in jail. Well, except maybe for Paris Hilton.

So what am I saying? I'm saying free OJ. The lives of comedy writers might depend on it.