Friday, September 21, 2007

Stompy the Wonder Chimp goes stomp, stomp, stomping around, Torn Slatterns and Nuget Ranchers

OJ Simpson is out on bail and back in Miami, Florida; OJ said he is going to spend his time before his trial searching for the real memorabilia dealers.

Last week’s “Sports Illustrated” revealed that Arizona Diamondback outfielder, Eric Byrnes, doesn’t wear underwear; well no wonder his on-base-percentage is so high, he starts each at bat with two balls.

A judge has told Britney Spears she is subject to random drug tests. I’m not sure Britney gets it. She said “So I can still take all drugs except for that one called Random?”

Be honest, don’t you wish you could be OJ Simpson’s lawyer right now? “Well, OJ, we have good news and bad news. The bad news is it looks like you could go away for life. The good news? I saved a ton of money on my auto insurance with Geico.”

Have you seen that crying guy defending Britney Spears? I’m still not sure what it is, but millions of people have seen this and not once did one single person say to themselves: “Oh, our future is fine, we have nothing to worry about. These kids are gonna be great.”

Have you seen that crying guy defending Britney Spears? Osama bin Laden saw it and said; “Oh my Allah, we really do have to destroy them.”

Big exciting NFL week three coming up. Except for the New England Patriots, they’ve already seen the video and know they beat the Buffalo Bills 24-7.

A little bit of observational humor. Or maybe just some observations

You know how, when you are out and about -, and you know where you are when you are out and about - and you see someone you know? You kinda get all excited, but then you have to make sure you remember their name, then you wrack your brain for something funny or cute to say, or something you thought about them since you’ve seen them, to prove you’ve thought about them since then, even though you haven’t.

And you want to act like you really want to know what they’ve been up to since you’ve seen them, even though you don’t really care.

And then it turns out it’s not that person, just someone who looks like them? You get pissed off at them, don’t you? Like they were in on some scheme to mess with you. Your brain is saying:

“Hey, you’re not the person I know. What the f*ck? I went to a lot of trouble here to remember their name and say stuff to my person and then you go and not be my person on me. You’re somebody else who I don’t even know. I got not stories about you. Jeeze, what the hell? Don’t do that again.”

Then you give them a long look and think OK, you got me this time, but you’re not going to fool me into thinking you’re who I thought you were ever again, you got that, you freakin’ imposter?”

At least you don’t have to find out what they’ve been doing since you last saw them.

But worse than that is, now that I am getting more near sighted, I will see someone I think I know and wave, just to be safe, and it turns out it’s not them. Now the fact that this total stranger thinks I’m an idiot is the most important thing in the world to me.

“Oh, sorry, I thought you were someone, oh, never mind. Heh, he.”

But worse than both of those is – and this is, again, due to my bad eyesight – when somebody who does know you says your name and you can’t tell quite yet who it is. You gotta give the fake

Oh, hi, how’s it going?”

But in your mind you’re thinking, Oh crap, I can’t tell who you are yet. This is the modern day equivalent of the old west when someone pulled their gun and had the drop on you. You got none of that stuff ready to go, their name, a cute story, proof that you were thinking about them. Until you can get close enough to I.D them, you gotta go straight to the part you care the least about:

“So, what have you been up to since I last saw you?”