Friday, July 06, 2007

This just in:
Today Federal authorities investigated property of Atlanta Falcon Michael Vick for dog fighting evidence. This is not good for Vick. Vick could become a prisoner who never plays on a professional football team again. You heard me, Vick could get traded to the Cincinnati Bengals.
We play callin’ and hard ballin’ and load haulin’, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

I can’t wait. Oh yes, I can
The Tour De France begins tomorrow. And to think I thought I didn't care about Wimbledon.

Blah, blah, blah
A U. of Arizona study reveals that women speak 16,215 words a day versus 15,669 for men, a mere 500 more words for women. The problem for men is those 500 more words include: “We have to talk”; “Take out the garbage” and “If you think you’re watching sports all day you’ve got another thing coming.”

The subject who spoke the most was a man who spoke over 45,000 words in one day. To be fair, he was explaining a phone number his wife found in his pants on a bar coaster.

Nous plaisantons seulement avec le français odeure et impoli
The Tour De France begins tomorrow. What used to be of vital international importance has, through scandals and mismanagement, dwindled down to an unimportant punch line to a bad joke. And besides France, the Tour has fallen on hard times as well.

NBA finals MVP, Tony Parker is marrying “Desperate Housewives” co-star Eva Longoria in France tomorrow. It will be a traditional French wedding including a French cake, French wine, and after the ceremony, the couple surrenders to the German army.

The Tour De France begins tomorrow. Without a contender, this year Americans are going to treat the Tour De France just like France treated World War II. We’ll sit this one out and you tell us who wins.

Thursday, July 05, 2007

We gonna bring it like they sing it, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Wrong way to go green
Al Gore’s son, Al Gore III, was arrested for pot. Apparently Al’s son misunderstood when his dad told him to go green.

We’re number one
American Joey Chestnut beat five-straight winner, Takeru Kobayahi, in Nathan’s hot dog eating contest by eating 66 hot dogs in 12 minutes. Chestnut received a mustard yellow belt, a $10,000 dollar prize, a carton of toilet paper, a case of Lysol, ten candles and a sign for the bathroom door that reads “Do not come in here.”

Kobayashi was tied with Chestnut until he regurgitated several dogs at the end or as Chicago Cubs fans call losing at the end to regurgitation: committing a Steve Bartman.

Be trippin’
Al Gore's son, Al Gore III, was arrested early this morning for driving his Toyota Prius 100 MPH and having marijuana in his possession. Apparently the younger Gore wasn’t the only one on drugs if the cops think that a Prius can go 100 MPH.

Al Gore’s son, Al Gore III, was arrested for pot. Hey, give the kid a break, if you had to listen to Al Gore all the time, you’d be stoned too.

Oh yeah?
After the attacks in Britain, people all over are shocked that doctors could commit the horrible atrocity of a terrorist attack. Those people have never had a prostate exam.

Get it?
The fastest growing girls name is Nevaeh, which is heaven spelled backwards. The least popular girls name spelled backwards? Oh.

Tuesday, July 03, 2007

We gonna ho down with the down ho’s this four-o-Julilly, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Mon Dieu
Scientists say a really bad sense of smell may be the first symptom of Alzheimer’s. Don’t confuse this with a sense of smelling really bad, that’s the first symptom that you’re French.

Paris to the rescue
This 4th of July is the famous Nathan’s hot dog eating contest with the record set by Takeru Kobayashi at 52 hot dogs with buns in 12 minutes. Paris Hilton got out of jail just in time, that wiener swallowing record is going down.

Doooo not go in there. Whew.
On July 4th Nathan's hot dog eating contest, the record to beat is 52 hot dogs and buns in 12 minutes. The winner gets a carton of toilet paper, a box of candles with matches and a case of Lysol for their bathroom on July 5th.

Uh, no sir, that's not, oh forget it
Is everyone excited about the fourth of July? It was a little awkward, when asked what his plans are for the 4th of July, President Bush said; “It seems the fourth of July came early this year.”

During the Lobster summit in Maine where President Bush was trying to establish rapport with Russian President Vladimir Putin, there was an awkward moment when Bush asked Putin; “So how do the Russians celebrate the Fourth of July?”.
Me loves me some biscuits is what me loves some, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Rettab pu
The Channel Four San Diego Padres announcer, Tony Gwynn, pointed out the Giles brothers, Brian and Marcus, last name spelled backwards is Selig, the last name of the baseball commissioner, Bud Selig. And, as a commissioner, Selig is boob spelled backwards.

Scooter scoots
President Bush pardoned “Scooter” Libby who will not go to prison. How does that make Paris Hilton feel? A guy who leaked CIA spy secrets during a war skates and nobody cares, but when they let Paris out of jail early, the screams of objections could be heard in outer space.

Although it is entertaining as all crap, the dialogue in “John From Cincinnati” is way too derivative of all of David Milch’s dialogue from “NYPD Blue” to “Deadwood” and now “JFC.”

Back in the days of saggy-bare-assed Andy Sipowicz on “NYPD Blue” I remember thinking: who talks like that? As I lived in New York I knew it wasn’t a New York-area dialogue and I had a friend who was a cop so I knew it wasn’t cop talk

The dialogue is a rambling free-association in a Yoda-like syntax being backwards, is it, hmmm? Here would be a typical NYPD-Wood From Cincinnati” like f-word laced dialogue of a character standing outside a door thinking about entering a house:

“Me being in a f*ckin’ outdoors situation, going inside there would reverse my location placing me indoors, is my line of thinking on this. Converse-wise, my relocation to being in there would then end my being outdoors, as I would then be not outside, is where I would be f*ckin’ location-like, is what I’m trying to say. Thus having ended my one position, outside, having then entered through the door would be the main f*ckin’ cause of this new inhabitation, if you follow my godd*mn line of f*ckin’ logic and such.”

Unless it was the “JFC” character Butchie Yost, then he would add that he has to go in to take a hellacious dump.

But Butchie’s ex-wife and the mom of the young Sean Yost, a scary hot, “here comes trouble” gold digger, has arrived on the three ring circus scene no doubt looking to wreak some serious havoc, is being my take on the upcoming circumstances and what not, being as how I am an outside observer and the like.

Mitch Yost has to get back in the game.

Monday, July 02, 2007

Hot fun in the summer time, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

No relation to Mystery Alaska
Paris Hilton said she ate mystery meat in prison. I believe her full name was Mystery Sanchez.

Now that’s hot
It was hot in Los Angeles. It was so hot, I was sweating like a guy named Akmed trying to clear security at Heathrow airport.

First time
Christie Kerr gave her husband a passionate embrace after winning the US Open Women’s golf championship. This also marks the first time the words: women’s golf husband and passionate embrace have appeared together.

This is a tricky time for American sports fans. It is tough to decide which drug-tainted sporting event we care less about, the Tour De France or Barry Bonds home run record chase.

The Memorial concert for Princess Diana was attended by Prince Harry as rumors grow that Harry’s father is Diana’s polo playing lover James Hewitt as Harry looks more like Hewitt. And Harry’s polo horse looks more like its mother every day, Camilla Parker Bowles.

Sweet girl
At the Oakland A’s game, New York Yankee’s slugger Alex Rodriguez’s wife wore a t-shirt with the message F-You on the back. How could A-Rod be having marital problems with this charming class act?

At the Oakland A’s game, New York Yankee’s slugger Alex Rodriguez’s wife wore a t-shirt with the message F-You on the back. Apparently her “Suck A-Rod” t-shirt was at the cleaners.

If you know what I mean . . .
At Wimbledon a French woman, Tatiana Golovin, created a stir when she wore red panties. Let’s just say that the upper lip of the British wasn’t the only thing that was stiff.

At Wimbledon a French woman, Tatiana Golovin, created a stir when she wore red panties. That is utterly shocking. A French woman wore panties?

So she must be normal, right?
The lawyer for that crazy astronaut, Lisa Nowak, said Nowak didn’t wear diapers. Yeah, she drove 950-miles straight to kidnap a co-workers lover in a jealous rage, but heaven forbid we think she’s nuts enough to wear diapers.