Saturday, March 10, 2007

It is hard out here

Saturday Morning Caffeine Fueled Rant

We’ve all heard the old chestnut “Nobody ever died wishing they spent more time at work.” My good buddy and wine expert, Der Voodsters, had a clever take on that with; “Nobody ever died wishing they had drank more Merlot.” Funny, witty and it makes a good point.

In keeping with the age old comedy rule that, if something works once, run it into the damn ground, I thought I would try a new feature here at a.L.B.b. called:

“Nobody ever died wishing they blank.”

Nobody ever died wishing they watched more “Jeopardy.”

Nobody ever died wishing they knew the state capitals.

Nobody ever died wishing they wore their Ugg boots less.

Nobody ever died wishing they had another tattoo.

Nobody ever died wishing they spent more time in Long Beach, Ca.

Nobody ever died wishing they had been nicer to the French.

Nobody ever died wishing they used the word Dude more.

Nobody ever died wishing they slept with Paris Hilton

Nobody ever died wishing they met Ryan Seacrest.

Nobody ever died wishing they ate less steak. It may have played a big part of causing their death, but they didn’t wish they ate less.

Nobody ever died wishing they cleaned the house more

Nobody ever died wishing they made their bed

Nobody ever died wishing they had less money

Use the last one anytime somebody tries to drop “Nobody ever died wishing they spent more time at work” on your narrow behind.

What happened with Dane Cook?
So what is with all the Dane Cook bashing? Sure the guy got over-marketed really fast and part of it is his own doing. But who can blame him? The guy was a hard working comedian who polished his craft. He had to work at it. And when that iron was hot, and it was hot, he struck and he struck hard. Stand up comedy is a cut-throat business.

Suddenly, though, Dane Cook is now every critic’s whipping boy.

Almost everyone in the world has had thirty minutes of funny stuff happen to them in the course of their lifetime. If you really want it bad enough you can hone it and pry it into a polished stand up routine, even if you don’t have a limitless sense of humor.  

On the first “Last Comic Standing” the winner was a guy who had little or no sense of humor but who worked his ass off on a thirty minute routine. After people heard his thirty minutes, he flamed out.

Part of the Cook backlash is what I call the Hootie and the Blowfish syndrome. Hootie and the Blowfish got big fast and as soon as they did, people loved to say they hated them. Why? They were a good band with catchy tunes and a lead singer with a great voice. What there is to hate?

There are a lot of people out there, most of whom were unpopular in high school, who have taken on the philosophy that unpopularity was their choice and, ergo, popularity is bad. Those folks believe anything popular is uncool. So, working backwards, they think if they don’t like something popular, it makes them cool. (See: Spade, David, Garofalo, Janine, O’Donnell, Rosie) To those people, once again, we say we are truly sorry nobody took you to the prom. Get over it.

So now they think hating Dane Cook makes them cool.

Dane Cook is funny. He may not be quick and witty funny like David Letterman and Conan O’Brien, but he is funny. The first time I heard him tell a story on “Late Night with Conan O’Brien” I was clear on that.

What can wear thin is Cook’s hyper-energy style of always having the accelerator pegged to the floor. Even Sam Kennison didn’t scream every punch line. He needs to get a slower gear in there.

But mark my words, Dane Cook is good, he is funny, he is motivated and now he is famous so he will be back. He just needs a good movie or two.  

Of course remember this is coming from the guy who said Rap and Madonna would not last a year.

My new writing tip?
Go back and amputate all the that’s that you can. Click on that round thing in the lower right corner of your word document and search all that’s. Most can go or be replaced with something better.

That that is true is that that is that.

Friday, March 09, 2007

It is hard out here

We takin’ that train all the way down to funky town, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Tom cat
Rumor has it that QB Tom Brady, who has already gotten his ex-girlfriend Bridget Moynahan pregnant, has now impregnated Victoria Secret model Gisele Bundchen. As a result, Brady has been named an honorary member of the NBA.  

Rough night
It was a rough night on “American Idol” for Antonella Barba who got voted off. Not only that, Antonella found out she is pregnant with Tom Brady’s baby.

Mint condition
The US Mint accidentally printed an unknown number of the new George Washington dollar coins without the phrase “In God We Trust.” Instead it says; “Tom Brady Is a God”

Who would believe it?
Former House Speaker Newt Gingrich admitted he had an extra-marital affair when he led the charge for impeachment of President Bill Clinton for having an affair. That is shocking. Some woman would actually have sex with Newt Gingrich?  

Don’t forget
We set our clocks forward one hour on Sunday. That means Tom Brady will be getting a woman pregnant one hour earlier.

Works for me
On Friday’s “The View” Rosie O’Donnell demonstrated how she treated her depression with inversion therapy. In a related story, millions of people reveal that they treat their depression by not watching Rosie O’Donnell on “The View.”

An Independent’s view:
This is one of the true benefits of being a registered Independent. I get the pleasure of loathing both Rosie O’Donnell and Ann Coulter for the mean-spirited hypocrites they are.

Wouldn’t you just love to see Ann Coulter and Rosie O’Donnell go after each other? Let’s put aside, for a moment, that together they would make the perfect imitation of the number 10.

Both Rosie and Coulter are suited for each other as they both go to great lengths to drag their own political side down by what I call: living down to the stereotype.

The left’s stereotype of a conservative is somebody who is cranky, elitist, close-minded, hawkish, bigoted and greedy. That would also accurately describe Ann Coulter’s resume. Apparently Coulter is unconcerned about dragging the image of the right down with her as long as she personally rings the cash register by selling books and appearing on talk shows while she cruelly insults ethnic and minority groups along the way.

The right’s stereotype of a liberal woman is that of a scary, mean, crazy-with-self-righteousness, know-it-all battleaxe. Look up scary, mean, crazy-with-self-righteousness know-it-all battleaxe in the dictionary and you will find Rosie “Liars get cancer” O’Donnell’s picture.  

That is what is so ironically beautiful. By Ann Coulter being Ann Coulter and Rosie O’Donnell being Rosie O’Donnell, they both accidentally support the opposite side’s most effective argument against their own side. They are both their own political side’s worst enemy.

If you ask me - and nobody did - respected leaders of the left and the right need to get together and tell Rosie and Ann to shut their massive yappers. Take Barack Obama for the democrats and John McCain for the Republicans. Barack has to ask Rosie to stop speaking for democrats and McCain has to ask Ann to shut up about the republicans.

You can say nasty things about Ann Coulter – and why wouldn’t you? - but at least she has educational and occupational qualifications in law and politics. She graduated cum laude from Cornell and graduated from the Michigan law school where she was the editor for the Michigan Law Review. She also worked for the Senate Judiciary committee and in private law practice.

And yet all the education and qualifications in the world cannot excuse the vitriol that Coulter spews on a regular basis. It is beneath her on many levels. Ann Coulter is too smart to keep acting so mean and stupid.  

But what, exactly, are Rosie O’Donnell’s political qualifications as a liberal spokesperson? Does being horribly miscast as Betty Rubble in “The Flintstones” give her some insight into politics? Did Rosie graduate from college? Not according to Wikipedia. I’m afraid Rosie is not too smart to keep acting so mean and stupid.

Folks, this is exactly why people hate Hollywood blowhards espousing their political opinions down our throats, not because they are too far to the left, as they would have you believe, but because they don’t know what the hell they are talking about. Rosie O’Donnell calling for the repeal of the Patriot Act on “The View”? Are you kidding me?

Does Rosie even know what the hell the Patriot Act is? Exactly what rights of Rosie’s are being restricted by the Patriot Act? It seems Rosie is doing pretty much exactly what Rosie wants to do and saying what Rosie wants to say, informed or not.

Am I the only one who remembers how Rosie O’Donnell was the first one to panic and flee during the 2001 NBC anthrax scare? While other NBC shows, NBC News, Conan O’Brien, etc. bravely stayed on the air to reduce public anxiety, Rosie cut and ran canceling an entire week of shows drawing huge criticism, one from no less a media personality than Howard Stern.

Something tells me, back then, Rosie might not have objected to our government passing a law to crack down on further terrorist attacks.  

What a colossal hypocrite.

Ann Coulter and Rosie O’Donnell are making the harshest critics of their respective political sides look good.

And that ain’t easy.  

Thursday, March 08, 2007

It is hard out here

Oh snap, oh snap, oh snippity snap snap, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Rosie meltdown watch
On Friday’s “The View” Rosie O’Donnell demonstrated how she treated her depression with inversion therapy. In a related story, millions of people reveal that they treat their depression by not watching Rosie O’Donnell on “The View.”

So there
Los Angeles Laker Kobe Bryant has been suspended for a game for slapping a player after his shot which the NBA claims he does intentionally but Kobe denies it. Kobe said that if he wanted to slap someone around he would order room service.

A familiar pattern
The French have attacked Apple Inc. demanding that Apple allow iTunes songs to download on music players other than iPods. In response, Apple said they would oppose France’s attack, at which point France immediately and unconditionally surrendered to Apple.

A new look
Madonna has a new line of clothing. The perfect gift for a woman who wants to adopt a new look, a fake British accent and a starving African child.

Madonna’s new line of clothing is available at K-Mart in the Aging Skankwear section.

So mean
Kevin Federline has shaved his head in support of Britney Spears. No word yet if that show of solidarity also extended to K-Fed shaving his vagina.

Again, mean
James Brown’s body has still not been buried. The man died on Christmas. On the bright side, Brown will revive the role of the Crypt Keeper on “Tales From the Crypt”.

Now this one is just stupid
“Titanic” director James Cameron claims he has discovered the tomb and body of Jesus Christ. What makes him think its Jesus? The holey hands and feet.

Rosie again
The US Mint accidentally printed an unknown number of the new George Washington dollar coins without the phrase “In God We Trust.” Instead they say “Rosie Is Nuts.”

Since you asked:
Not meaning to get all Billy Joel on your narrow behind, but I was in a New York state of mind yesterday.

Living in New York City is like having a scorching hot but insane girlfriend. She drives you nuts, she causes nothing but problems, all you do is complain about her, she’s expensive beyond belief, and all you do know is someday soon you are going to leave her for good.

But the sex is scary great and you can’t help but fall in love. And when you do finally leave, you miss her like crazy. (Is it me or do I suddenly sound like Carrie on “Sex in the City”?)

Like the time you were headed home to break up with her for climbing the fire escape and breaking your window to get a pair of shoes she left behind, only to discover the window is now fixed, Tony Bennett is on the stereo and she is in your candle-lit bathroom soaking in a bubble bath next to an iced bucket of champagne, roses, two flute glasses and two cartons of Chinese food. You know, those cartons.

In a split second she went from an Ex-girlfriend to a New York 29: a nine with two orders of #10, the cold sesame noodles.

Living in New York City should be mandatory for young Americans, like military service is in Switzerland. When I graduated from UCSB, I stuck around Santa Barbara for a couple of years and, like a lot of guys in their early twenties, I was pretty damn full of myself. Mainly I was so full of myself because I didn’t have any basis for comparison.

In my little Santa Banana world I was a big fish in the proverbial small pond. Between the restaurant where I waited tables, the track team, the college, the fraternity and living and working in –for lack of a better word – downtown Santa Barbara, I knew everybody and felt like pretty hot stuff. What I didn’t know was that I needed to come down a peg or two for my own good.

And boy is New York City the place to come down a peg or two.

How I got to New York was like a weird dream.

Working as a broke-ass young computer salesmen in Santa Barbara for my second-way-ahead-of-it’s-time-but-about-to-go-out-of-business computer company in as many years, I took off for my best friend’s wedding in New York.

Next thing I know I am at the wedding reception at the amazing Explorer’s Club and my buddy’s boss, the big and powerful and now famous Hilliard Farber, sort of offered me a job at his rapidly up-and-coming firm as a bond broker on Wall Street. It was more of a nice “Hey if you come out here I might use you” gesture than a job offer but little did he know I would take him up on it.

A day later I went in for an informal interview and Hilliard Farber proved that he was, and always has been, a man of his word.

When I got back to Santa Barbara it became clear there was no future with my current company, a side store shell of a business trying to pretend to be a top notch independent personal computer company. It was owned by a group of dorky doctors who even the snottiest doctors thought were snotty. All they had in common – besides terminally bad bedside manners - was they knew nothing about owning business and even less about computers.

So I decided to try and get fired so I could prepare my trip out to New York leisurely on unemployment. Turns out I was pretty good at getting fired because it happened a day or two before I even started trying.

In the meantime I had simply called my best buddy’s boss, the aforementioned Hilliard Farber – whose Hilliard Farber and Company is now one of the most successful bond houses on Wall Street – and told him I was coming out. Simple as that.

Apparently Mr. Farber graciously said yes, because the next thing I know I am selling everything I have – it wasn’t much, including my red Volkswagon Dasher - and buying one-way tickets to Chicago – to visit the folks, my Dad thought I was nuts, my Mom thought it was great– and then, gulp, to New York City.

If there are two more contrasting locales than Santa Barbara and New York City, I sure don’t know about them. It was like going back in time and going ahead to the future at once all while on a bad acid trip. (Even though I have never taken acid)

In just one day in New York City my brain was over-heated with over-stimulation. This truly is a great country when somebody can develop severe culture shock in less than twenty four hours.

Do you remember those Mister Magoo cartoons where Magoo mindlessly careens from one near disaster and certain grisly death to the other, the entire time oblivious, cheerful and happy? Or when Charlie Chaplin got caught in the gears in “Modern Times”?

That was me in New York.

In a hazy, humid cab-and-bus exhaust blur, I was working at a desk on Wall Street answering phones and buying and selling ten and twenty million dollar blocks of investment products (Domestic, European and Japanese bank issued Certificates of Deposits) I knew absolutely nothing about, eating foods I couldn’t pronounce while sleeping on the hardwood floor of my new buddy-from-work- Hondo’s upper west side apartment.

One hot summer day I come back to the office, my pinpoint oxford cotton shirt drenched in sweat, after handing over what-seemed-at-the-time an obscenely large check to an upper-crusty New York real estate broker. She seemed put out and annoyed at having to take all of my money for her exorbitant fee for doing nothing, in addition to the deposit and the first and last month’s rent on a hot, tiny, and dusty roach trap fifth floor walk-up studio apartment in Greenwich Village right next to New York University.

123 West Third Street across from the Minetta parking garage where the sign boldly said; “Open 24 Hours a Day, Honk Before Entering.”

It seemed like yesterday I was windsurfing at Goleta beach, my beloved U.C.S. B watching over me on the distant hill. After that it was off to scarf down avocado bacon cheese burgers and frosty beers at a heavenly outdoor wooden bohemian joint called Durf’s in the warm company of a pretty, tan, pony-tailed U.C.S.B. sorority girl wearing nothing but a spaghetti-strap t-shirt, wayfarer sunglasses, flip flops, aqua-blue Dolphin shorts, Channel perfume and a pretty smile.

And soon enough she was just wearing the perfume and the smile.

Boo yah. I say give me a boo yah one time.

Next thing I know, I am in the hot, dank bowels of Manhattan sweating through my charcoal- black wool suit while combating to squeeze into a jammed-as-sardines filthy subway car frantic to get to the twentieth floor trading floor office where screamed obscenities, shoving matches and phone hand sets shattered in a fury were as common as the wail of the ambulances carting away casualties in the heart attack epidemic of early eighties Wall Street.

The nights were spent in smoky dark upper East and West side bars getting ignored by not-near-up-to-Santa-Barbara-standard girls whose thick tri-state accents made them sound like teamsters.

“Maybe Dad was right” became my mantra.

Ah, but that is exactly where that crazy bitch New York City can fool the hell out of you. Before you know it she has you back in the bubble bath eating #10 and sipping Champagne.

One second you are stuck in rush hour traffic in a cab driven by a b.o. reeking terrorist wannabe, feeling your blood pressure rise in your neck, the very next you are screaming through beautiful empty Central Park at night, the surrounding city lit up and sparkling like a great dream as Frank Sinatra’s “New York, New York” blasts on the radio.

To say it is a city of contrasts is quite an understatement.

In one second a crazy woman is screaming at you in broken English because you can’t find the ticket for your shirts, the next your eyes are swimming in your head in garlic ecstasy over the angel hair pasta melting in your mouth at the tiny and wonderful Italian restaurant, El Molino.

New York, New York. So nice, they should have named it thrice.

Wednesday, March 07, 2007

It is hard out here

Jump on off wit’ yo’ good foot, wit’ yo good foot, wit’ yo’ good foot now, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

A big plus for Chi town
Chicago is competing against Los Angeles for the US candidate for the 2016 Olympics. L.A. has hosted a recent successful Olympics, but Chicago has a big asset on its side. Three words: Olympic Onion Rings.

He knows of what he speaks
Shaquille O’Neal is going to star in a reality show to battle childhood obesity; and Shaq knows what he is talking about, in his career, Shaq has gone from 285 to 350, approximately gaining the weight of an obese eight-year-old.

Unsteady Teddy
A study reveals that people who drink too much alcohol are more susceptible to memory loss maladies; in a related story, Ted Kennedy has misplaced twelve parked cars this month.

Gallo humor
Winemaker Ernest Gallo died at 97. Imagine how long he would have lived if he didn’t drink all that cheap wine? No word yet on if Gallo’s coffin will have a screw top.

Or something like that
Iran is going to build an island just for women who want to go on vacation. No men will be allowed. I think the name of it is Cucumber Island.

Which door is open to gays?
Senator Hillary Clinton promised that if she is elected president gays "always will have an open door to the White House." To which Bill Clinton added; “Yes, specifically hot lesbians in French maid or Catholic school outfits.”

Also to which a nervous Bill Clinton replied; “Yeah, we have an open door to gays, but fellas, the back door is closed if you know what I mean.”

How shoddy is it?
A congressional hearing revealed that the conditions at the Walter Reed Army hospital were shoddy; how shoddy? Their rats left to hang out at Taco Bell.

Not good
Scooter Libby was found guilty of 4 out of 5 counts. This is not good, the last thing anyone would want would be to be sent to prison with the name Scooter.

Zoning out
#1 at the beginning of the season, Arizona now faces possibly losing in the Pac Ten tournament, not going to the big NCAA dance. That’s like being invited to Paris Hilton’s bedroom only to have her tell you she’s just become born again and she wants to give you her testimony.

Since you asked:
Some TV marketing experts say that, although rating for “The View” are up due to all of Rosie O’Donnell’s ugly public fights, they are temporary, akin to looking at a car wreck. Many say the ratings for “The View” will drop because Rosie’s Q rating - or public likeability - is really low outside of the liberal entertainment business. In fact, Rosie’s ratings are rumored to be so low, when her unpopularity catches up to “The View” Barbara Walters will have to fire Rosie.

What happened with Rosie O’Donnell? When you think of Rosie’s successful stand up career, her cameos in “League of Their Own” and “Sleepless In Seattle” and at the start of her talk show, Rosie seemed like a cute, loveable St. Bernard puppy.

Now Rosie is Cujo.

For a while when she was losing her talk show, the biggest inside joke in Hollywood was Rosie’s nickname “The Queen of Nice.” She seemed down-to-earth as she fawned over Tom Cruise. And yet Rosie’s many fired staff members went public citing Rosie’s mental cruelty and downright sadistic meanness. The testimony against her in her failed “Rosie” magazine trial portrayed Rosie as a psychopath by the entire staff of the magazine.

This was from CNN about that trial:

NEW YORK — Rosie O'Donnell's battle with a German magazine publisher over who sunk the magazine bearing her name has never been pretty. But on Wednesday, one of the senior executives with the company told a rapt Manhattan courtroom just how ugly things got.

"Rosie said, 'Do you know what happens to people who lie? They get sick and they get cancer and if they keep lying they get cancer again,'" recalled a choked-up Susan Spengler, chief of marketing at Gruner + Jahr USA.

Spengler, a breast cancer survivor who said she'd discussed her cancer with O'Donnell, was so emotional that Supreme Court Justice Ira Gammerman called a 10-minute recess.

Since that trial Rosie has gotten worse.

Now Rosie is a train wreck. She is angry and combative, the very opposite of what gay liberals propose to be, which is kind, tolerant, sensitive, and open-minded. Rosie is mean, intolerant, insensitive (See: Rosie’s Chinese imitation) and Rosie down right angrily despises and attacks anyone who politically disagrees with her. (See: Elisabeth Hasselback)

As I am a male, I have never watched “The View” but, at first I thought Rosie was fun to watch on the clips of “The View” as she viciously tore into Kelly Ripa, Donald Trump, Oprah and now “American Idol”

Now it is just too painful to view that quivering ugly mass of bile and bitterness.

Tuesday, March 06, 2007

It is hard out here

Iran is going to build an island just for women who want to go on vacation. No men will be allowed. Well, unless there is a spider in the room.

Since you asked:

“Raising Arizona” has some damn good lines.

“Do these balloons blow up into funny shapes?”

“Not unless round is funny.”

And who can forget the all-time classic:

"Boy, you got a panty on your head."

It is hard out here

Keepin’ it real and making it squeal, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Lucky girl
Rumor has it that Nicole Richey is engaged; she has been spotted around town wearing an engagement ring around her waist.

We kid the queen of lice
In New Jersey it is now illegal for a dog to bark for longer than 30 minutes; this could be bad news for “The Views” Rosie O’Donnell.

So convenient
The International Air Transport Association wants all airlines to eliminate paper tickets by the end of this year.  So now you won’t need a paper ticket to get nowhere on a jet blue airline.

Great news
After Madonna adopted an orphan from Africa, Angelina Jolie is going to adopt an orphan from Vietnam; this is great news because it obviously means there are no more needy orphans left in the United States, or why would know-everything movie stars reject American orphans?.

When asked why they don’t adopt American orphans, Madonna and Angelina Jolie said; “Because everyone knows imported orphans are just better.”  

King of Pain
Fan abuser Sacramento King Ron Artest was arrested for domestic abuse after attacking a woman who called the police. Artest was recently charged with animal abuse when authorities removed a starving great Dane from his home. So now that Artest has been charged with abusing a fan, abusing a dog and abusing a woman, Ron is going to focus inward and try self-abuse.    

The state of Washington is drafting guidelines to make booing illegal; this would be good news for the last place Seattle Mariners, except that they have signed players named Bruce Bowie, Beaux Boone and Luke Blue.

Probably not
On August 19, 1969, Chicago Cub Ken Holtzman – the man with the most wins for a Jewish pitcher even ahead of the great Sandy Kofax - pitched a no-hitter against the Atlanta Braves. Here is my question, when a Jewish pitcher gets a no-hitter, is it called a bagel?

Since you asked:
Stop me if you’ve heard this before, but I feel pretty good about the Cubs this year. With sweet, sweet, sweet, sweeter than sweet Lou Piniella at the helm and with the added smack of Alf “Willy, Willy” Soriano and the pitching staff over-due not to have a crap and injury-filled year, they could be contenders come fall.

Why will Lou succeed where some really good managers failed? Dusty Baker and the few before him were too mellow for Chicago. The best fit as manager for the Cubs was Leo Durocher back in 1969. The Cubs should have won the World Series that year but injuries and fatigue from playing all day games caught up to them at the very end. But Leo’s fiery personality got them almost all the way there and that what Lou is going to do. It will be up to the Cubbies to make it down the home stretch.

If you ask most Cubs fans they will tell you to take that lovable loser label and shove it up Addison. Yes, Chicago is a football town first but the Cubs are a close second. (Where do the White Sox rank? They are rank)

Bears fans bring a lot of passion to Wrigley field and if the manager doesn’t match that, it won’t work.

Sweet, sweet, sweet, sweeter than sweet Lou will be a good fit in Wrigley Field.  

Monday, March 05, 2007

It is hard out here

We so gonna bring it ‘til we stingin’ it, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Thank you, thank you, thank you
Paris Hilton was charged with driving without a license and she could go to jail for several months; my word, can you imagine poor Paris being abused by sadistic female prison guards? So can I, so can I. You’re welcome.  

‘Roid rage
There was a human growth hormone/steroid bust in Florida. Supposedly the lab made human growth hormone that was used by boxer Evander Holyfield, baseball player Gary Mathews Jr. and “The View” host Rosie O’Donnell.

Order now
80-year-old Hugh Hefner is going to marry his 27-year-old girlfriend. If you want to get a wedding present the couple is registered at Bed, Bath and Beyond Belief.

A medical study reveals otters can catch herpes. And you don’t even want to know what a beaver can get.

I guess that cancer stuff can wait until they’re done with the important studies.  

It is hard out here

This just in
In health news, V. P. Dick Cheney was admitted to a hospital for a deep venous thrombosis, or a blood clot that caused discomfort in his calf; this is not to be confused with what Cheney experienced earlier, a deep Bill Maher-eriod that resulted in a major pain in his ass.  

It is hard out here

Going high hog on the joke blog, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

D-E-V-A . . . .
President Bush toured the tornado damage in Alabama and Bush said the devastation was hard to describe. Bush went on to add that the devastation was even harder to spell.

Big difference
Barack Obama and Bill and Hillary Clinton commemorated the Selma civil rights march together. You know the big difference between Bill Clinton and Barack Obama? Barack has at least an outside shot at ever sleeping with Hillary.

Santo gets O’Tooled
Chicago Cubs all star third baseman, Ron Santo, was turned down by the Baseball Hall of Fame for the 18th time. Santo is an old Italian name that means Peter O’Toole.

You go girl
Conservative commentator Ann Coulter used a gay slur to insult democratic candidate John Edwards. A gay slur from Ann Coulter is odd when you consider she has personally turned more straight guys gay than any other woman besides Cher.

It hit the fan
U.S. and Iraq soldiers invaded a Shiite stronghold in Sadr City. It went peacefully but it could very well have been a real Shiite storm.

Not quite
The road trip comedy “Wild Hogs” opened this weekend at $38 million. Bill Clinton went to see it but he was disappointed, he thought “Wild Hogs” was about White House interns gone wild.

We kid the Keefers
The good news for the crazy astronaut, Lisa Nowak, is that she will not be charged with attempted murder; Nowak will face charges of kidnapping, assault and, after wearing a diaper for 900 miles, the lesser charge of impersonating Keith Richards.

That’s nice
HBO’s Bill Maher said it would be better if Dick Cheney was dead. To his credit, Dick Cheney said there were no hard feelings. In fact, to patch things up he invited Maher to go quail hunting.

Really nuts
It was reported that Britney Spears was running around her Malibu rehab center with 666 carved in her head and screaming that she was the anti-Christ. Oh my word, Britney has lost it, she thinks she’s Ann Coulter.

Hillary in the house, y’all
Audio tapes of Hillary Clinton speaking at the Selma, Alabama civil rights commemoration this weekend reveal that Hillary suddenly developed a thick Southern accent. It was so bad, Madonna made fun of Hillary in her fake British accent.

When did this happen?:
British soccer star David Beckham injured his right knee prior to his $250 mil deal to come to the Los Angeles Galaxy soccer team. That is shocking. Los Angeles has a soccer team?

British soccer star David Beckham injured his right knee prior to his $250 mil deal to come to the Los Angeles Galaxy. To give you an idea how bad it was, Beckham was limping worse than his wife Victoria’s singing career.

Rough day
Conservative commentator Ann Coulter used a gay slur to insult democratic candidate John Edwards. It was a bad day for Coulter. She also got a ticket for having her broom double parked.

Since you asked:

My latest pet peeve. No matter how empty a store is, there will be some Yahoo who has nothing better to do than stand motionless right in front of whatever it is I need to get apparently memorizing the labels. It never fails. If there are only three people in the entire grocery store, there will be one guy starring hypnotically at the chicken thighs I need to grab.

Ever notice how, when you think you see someone you know, and then it turns out not to be them, that you get kind of pissed off at the imposter?

In your head you’re thinking, Hey, there’s my buddy, I am going to go say hi. This will be a hoot. Hey wait. It’s not my buddy. What’s the big idea looking like my buddy but not being him? You’re not my buddy so stop faking me out.

And you know how you see the same person over and over again but you have no desire to know who they are? You don’t even say hi. It’s like they have the title: “Person who does all the same things as me at the same time who I don’t want to have as a friend.”

And they feel the same way about you.

My buddy is getting a divorce and amazingly, he found somebody to date who is as crazy as he is and that is saying something. She is attractive but no longer a spring chicken – neither am I – but she clearly still has her spring chicken attitude.

In her mind I am coming up on meeting her for the first time for the fourth time. It drives me insane.

To her defense the first two times I met her she was drunk as she could be and still stand up.

This same buddy had a friend with a not-aging-gracefully surgically augmented trophy wife –they are now also divorced - who, no lie, I met her at least five times and each time she gave me the “We haven’t met.”

Now, I’m not saying I am Brad Freaking Pitt but I am a big guy with an equally big personality and, whether you like me or not, I should make some kind of an impression.

The last time I met her was at the Del Mar race track and I had had a few vodka and cranberries and, when introduced to her for the sixth time, I shook her hand and said;

“We’ve actually met five times, you just don’t find it worth your effort to remember. Frankly, I feel exactly the same way about you, I just don’t like to be rude.”

Sure, now when I see her she gives me dirty looks, but at least she remembers me.

Coulter VS. Maher?

So what do we make about the timing of liberals calling for the head of Ann Coulter for calling John Edwards a fagg*t while conservatives cry for the head of Bill Maher for saying he wishes Cheney had died in the terrorist attack in Afghanistan?

This all makes me very proud to be an Independent. Both sides are equally hypocritical as usual. Last time I checked, it was legal in this country to say something that makes you look like an utter idiotic a-hole.

Ann Coulter may actually hate liberals – she sure seems angry enough – but I think she is just playing to her niche because there are so many liberal women commentators. Either way Ann Coulter is much more about Ann Coulter than politics. She is no friend of the conservatives on this one, living down to the right wing stereotype of being mean-spirited and intolerant.

Bill Maher is an a-hole who happens to be truly funny. Does a self-important comedian have any right to announce he would be happier if our vice president was dead? Yes he does. It is called freedom of speech and an opinion. Does saying it make Maher look like an arrogant douche bag? Yes, but so does everything else Maher does. What happened to liberals being so caring and concerned for their fellow man? Wishing somebody died doesn’t exactly jibe with that.

Bill Maher and Ann Coulter are two peas in the same self-promotional pod. They are making a killing being controversial, one just picked the left the other a mini skirt and the right.