It is hard out here

Saturday Morning Caffeine Fueled Rant

We’ve all heard the old chestnut “Nobody ever died wishing they spent more time at work.” My good buddy and wine expert, Der Voodsters, had a clever take on that with; “Nobody ever died wishing they had drank more Merlot.” Funny, witty and it makes a good point.

In keeping with the age old comedy rule that, if something works once, run it into the damn ground, I thought I would try a new feature here at a.L.B.b. called:

“Nobody ever died wishing they blank.”

Nobody ever died wishing they watched more “Jeopardy.”

Nobody ever died wishing they knew the state capitals.

Nobody ever died wishing they wore their Ugg boots less.

Nobody ever died wishing they had another tattoo.

Nobody ever died wishing they spent more time in Long Beach, Ca.

Nobody ever died wishing they had been nicer to the French.

Nobody ever died wishing they used the word Dude more.

Nobody ever died wishing they slept with Paris Hilton

Nobody ever died wishing they met Ryan Seacrest.

Nobody ever died wishing they ate less steak. It may have played a big part of causing their death, but they didn’t wish they ate less.

Nobody ever died wishing they cleaned the house more

Nobody ever died wishing they made their bed

Nobody ever died wishing they had less money

Use the last one anytime somebody tries to drop “Nobody ever died wishing they spent more time at work” on your narrow behind.

What happened with Dane Cook?
So what is with all the Dane Cook bashing? Sure the guy got over-marketed really fast and part of it is his own doing. But who can blame him? The guy was a hard working comedian who polished his craft. He had to work at it. And when that iron was hot, and it was hot, he struck and he struck hard. Stand up comedy is a cut-throat business.

Suddenly, though, Dane Cook is now every critic’s whipping boy.

Almost everyone in the world has had thirty minutes of funny stuff happen to them in the course of their lifetime. If you really want it bad enough you can hone it and pry it into a polished stand up routine, even if you don’t have a limitless sense of humor.  

On the first “Last Comic Standing” the winner was a guy who had little or no sense of humor but who worked his ass off on a thirty minute routine. After people heard his thirty minutes, he flamed out.

Part of the Cook backlash is what I call the Hootie and the Blowfish syndrome. Hootie and the Blowfish got big fast and as soon as they did, people loved to say they hated them. Why? They were a good band with catchy tunes and a lead singer with a great voice. What there is to hate?

There are a lot of people out there, most of whom were unpopular in high school, who have taken on the philosophy that unpopularity was their choice and, ergo, popularity is bad. Those folks believe anything popular is uncool. So, working backwards, they think if they don’t like something popular, it makes them cool. (See: Spade, David, Garofalo, Janine, O’Donnell, Rosie) To those people, once again, we say we are truly sorry nobody took you to the prom. Get over it.

So now they think hating Dane Cook makes them cool.

Dane Cook is funny. He may not be quick and witty funny like David Letterman and Conan O’Brien, but he is funny. The first time I heard him tell a story on “Late Night with Conan O’Brien” I was clear on that.

What can wear thin is Cook’s hyper-energy style of always having the accelerator pegged to the floor. Even Sam Kennison didn’t scream every punch line. He needs to get a slower gear in there.

But mark my words, Dane Cook is good, he is funny, he is motivated and now he is famous so he will be back. He just needs a good movie or two.  

Of course remember this is coming from the guy who said Rap and Madonna would not last a year.

My new writing tip?
Go back and amputate all the that’s that you can. Click on that round thing in the lower right corner of your word document and search all that’s. Most can go or be replaced with something better.

That that is true is that that is that.