Saturday, January 06, 2007

Yo, check out number six, home flicks.

It is hard out here

Firebrands, reprobates and scofflaws, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Passing the torch
As I am sure you’re aware, the hardest working man in show business, James Brown, passed away. So who inherits the title of the hardest working man in show business? Rosie O’Donnell.

Happy New Year. And, if you work for FEMA, there are only ten more shopping days ‘til Christmas.

Happy Birthday Mel Gibson who turned 51 this week. If you are thinking about a gift for Mel you can’t go wrong with a cab voucher.

Not a big hit
Rumor has it that the album Britney Spears is recording is so bad her record company may fire her. For some reason they didn’t like her songs; “I Hate Kevin”, “K-Fed is Dead to Me” “Federline Past the Deadline” and “Kick Deadbeat to the Curb.”

Rumor has it that the album Britney Spears is recording is so bad her record company may fire her. It seems Britney is not putting a lot of effort in to making the album. Take for example, her song “Oops, I Did It Again, Again.”

Paris Hilton was fired by Club Paris as their spokesperson. Club Paris came to the realization that a vapid, vain, utterly untalented nasty emu-looking skank somehow did not project quite the right image they desired.  

No twist either
Rumor has it that the Britney Spears record company may fire her. Britney is not worried, at least we know her panties aren’t in a bunch.  

That guy was great
Remember that hilarious Iraqi Information Minister who proclaimed victory when U.S. tanks cruised into Baghdad? Wonder how he would describe Saddam Hussein’s hanging? “After receiving an extensive neck massage, our beloved Iraqi leader is resting comfortably.”

The big controversy on YouTube is the shot of the USC cheerleader at the Rose Bowl who appears do be pulling a Britney, sans panties. A USC spokesperson claims it was just a wedgie. I saw the clip. If that’s a wedgie she’s going to need a proctologist to get that out.

Talk about a bad week
More bad news for Saddam Hussein. Saddam was a Sunni Muslim – although many would say he was a real Shiite heel – and thus he believed he would get 72 virgins in heaven. Well, there was a clerical error. Instead of 72 virgins, Saddam got one 72-year-old virgin.

Since you asked:
It’s time to play that little game that nobody but me cares about called:

Lex’s Little Known Facts.

My favorite show? Right now it is “30 Rock.” As a genius comedy writer and comedian, Tina Fey is an amazingly good actress just as Alec Baldwin is also a hilarious comedic actor. And Tracy Morgan cannot not be funny. Tracy Morgan could read the phone book and it would kill.  How did he get held back so much on “Saturday Night Live”? Other than his Star Jones, I can’t think of a character Tracy did on “SNL” that was funny. How Tracy Morgan and Alec Baldwin held it together in the last show when Tracy said; “I got a guy who can help you with that sex-pooping problem” I will never know.

My last song downloaded? Nat King Cole’s “All I Want For Christmas” (is my two front teeth) in honor of Ann Caroline’s missing two front teeth.

My New Year’s resolution? Sub-one hour 500 meter swim, nine mile bike and 5K run triathlon by my birthday, August 15th. And in thus doing, lose some weight. I was going to say to try and stop making so many jokes about the French but we all know that would be a bold-faced lie.

My drink of choice lately? Kettle One and Cranberry and Pineapple juice. And no it does not make me, well, a guy who drinks stuff with fruit juices in it.

My latest impression? Kris Kristofferson narrating a biography on Sam Peckinpah. You can do it too. Just talk real low and slow with an accent just like Sam “Beef, it’s what for dinner” Elliot’s cowboy accent with a slightly rougher voice and say;

“Sam Peckinpah made a career of filming scofflaws, firebrands and reprobates.”

Still working on my Christopher Walken imitation. It is still a little weak. But you have to go way up when you say crazy.

Friday, January 05, 2007

It is hard out here

It is hard out here

Get it or quit it, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Louisville defeated Wake Forest in the “nothing rhymes with” Orange Bowl, 24-13. How do you pronounce the financial hub of Kentucky, is it Louie-vill or is it Lou-ah-vul? It is pronounced Fort Knox.

How many of you saw “The Nutcracker” this year? Speaking of the nutcracker, how many think Hillary Clinton should run for president?

Massachusetts republican governor Mitt Romney has officially declared his candidacy for president. Experts say he is the most qualified candidate to ever run named Mitt.

Mass rep Gov Mitt Romney is running for president. Mit is also the German word for with, so when he heard Mitt Romney was going to run, Arnold Schwarzenegger had a “Whose on first?” moment. “Yah, but who vill run mit Romney? Romney mit who?”

Denver was hammered with its second huge snowstorm of the year; to give you an idea how bad it is, today the Denver Nuggets got in a fight with the people from FEMA.

President Gerald Ford was honored at his funeral this week. Did you know that President Ford had a chance to play for the Detroit Lions but Ford turned them down? Yeah, Ford decided that if he wanted to play football, he would rather play for a professional team

In the Fiesta Bowl the underdog Boise State Broncos beat the Oklahoma Sooners in a wild back-and-forth overtime win. These two teams exchanged more shots back and forth than Rosie O’Donnell and Donald Trump.

Thursday, January 04, 2007

It is hard out here

Here is the deal with Rosie O’Donnell.

As much as I hate to say it, because he is showing no class in this spat, but Donald Trump is right. Rosie is a bully. Rosie, however, believes that she is the lesbian Abraham Lincoln, defender of all things gay and Clay Aiken. Although I have not done it, my bet is that if you polled some lesbians (make your own Miss USA joke here) they would not be thrilled with Rosie deciding to be their spokesperson.

Truth is Rosie is a classic bully. A bully loves to attack when there is no danger to them, like when Rosie went after universal sweetheart Kelly Ripa. But when somebody stands up to a bully, the bullies run crying. In Rosie’s case she runs crying while throwing out the homophobic cards raining down behind her like confetti.

People have a short memory, if somebody is entertaining, as Rosie has been so far on “The View”, they are going to forget about all the nasty revelations of abuse from Rosie towards her talk show staff. And let’s not forget the even uglier accusations against Rosie from the publishers and editors in the lawsuit after Rosie’s failed magazine. But a Rosie by any other name would still smell the same. Rosie will be mean-spirited Rosie and she will take down whoever she can.

So beware Bawa Wawa.

Even knowing that Trump can be petty, as his fight with Mark Cuban showed, why Trump, who should be happy with the attention he gets, chose to dive in the muck with Rosie nobody will know. This fight has unveiled some deep-seated insecurity that his comb-over already indicated. But even with his insatiable ego, you have to go with Trump in this ugly fray.

Wednesday, January 03, 2007

It is hard out here

It is hard out here

Who you baby daddy, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers?

Now that the NFL playoffs have begun it becomes more painful that Los Angeles does not have a professional football team - if you don’t count USC. In fact, it is starting to look like even Oakland will get a pro football team before Los Angeles does.

Gerald Ford was honored today at his funeral. Did you know that President Ford was the only president to serve without being elected president? Well, if you don’t count President Bush’s first term.

Texas Tech basketball coach Bobby Knight got his record-setting 880th win against New Mexico. After setting the record the public address system played the Frank Sinatra song “My Way” in tribute. Apparently they decided against playing Ted Nugent’s “Stranglehold.”

Michael Jackson spoke at James Brown’s funeral saying that Brown was Jackson’s inspiration to become a black male performer right up until Jackson decided to become a white female performer.

Denver was hammered with its second huge snowstorm of the year; this just in, the Denver Symposium on Global Warming has been postponed indefinitely.

An inmate in Lincoln, Nebraska was charged with assault after being accused of having excessive flatulence. Man, that Kevin Federline can’t catch a break this year.

Tiger Woods wife, Elin Nordegren, is pregnant. And here I thought Tiger was talking about a golf shot when he said he was laying it up.

Insiders say friends of Britney Spears are worried that Paris Hilton is using Britney to bolster Paris’s dead singing career. Apparently Paris feels that, with Britney’s clout, Paris could actually produce a CD that somebody might actually buy.

Rosie O’Donnell and Donald Trump continue to humiliate themselves in the press. The last time two people looked this idiotic in the press, a minister said; “I now pronounce Katie and Tom man and wife.”

Rosie O’Donnell called Donald Trump a pimp and Trump called Rosie a degenerate loser; today Rosie retorted by calling Trump a doody-head times infinity, and Trump shot back with “I know you are but what am I?”

It was a rough year for lesbians. Donald Trump insulted Rosie O’Donnell, Miss Nevada lost her title and Miss USA nearly did over public lesbian acts. And Kelly Ripa got very angry at Clay Aiken, so it was a tough time for lesbians in general.

Since you asked:

Had the old anxiety dream again last night.

You know, the one where I am working for some big shot production company but I have no idea what I am supposed to be doing, so I just play around on the computer and walk about and try and look busy.

Which made me think: Why should big studios continue to whore out to hire big shot comedians for big huge bucks to punch up their lame scripts with jokes? (For one of the crappy Batman movies, Dennis Miller reportedly got a couple milski just for a couple of lines of dialogue)

For one million less, they can hire me to be on call full time to come up with preview, talk show, promo, poster and sponge-worthy wise cracks. Hell, I’ll even drive up to the Los Angeleum to sign the deal if they want me to. Sure, I am that motivated.

Producer: “Hey Lexster, baby, sweety, snookums, give us a line for a cop arresting a bad guy.”

Lex: “Hmm. Halt or I’ll shoot you like Cheney shoots a lawyer’s face. And drop that gun like Paris’s panties, Beeeyatch.”

Producer; “You are so money, you know that? Speaking of money, I’ll just wire the mil-bonies into your account, per usual, capice? Next time you vieje del Norte we’ll do lunch at Dan Tana’s on my peso, Sabes? Ciao sweetums.”

Was that so hard? A boy can dream, right?

It was bound to happen:

Two babes on "YouTube" did a take-off on the "SNL" digital short "Dick in a Box." The title? (Wait for it, wait for it) "My Box in a Box."


(Polite applause)

Give me a boo-yah one time up in this here boo-rizzy.

Check this out:

And then check this out

The Shequel may even be better

Tuesday, January 02, 2007

It is hard out here

Hair of the dog in the version of a blog, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Happy New Year. Finally found out what Auld Lang Syne means. It is Scottish for “She ain’t got no panties on.”

Arizona Cardinal quarterback Matt Lienart was seen with Britney Spears, Dallas Cowboy quarterback Tony Romo hooked up with Carrie Underwood, and Chicago Bears quarterback, Rex Grossman, has been linked with Nicole Richey. Rex isn’t dating Nicole, he just plays like her.

In the Fiesta Bowl the underdog Boise State Broncos led the Oklahoma Sooners all game only to get tied at the end. Then, in overtime, Boise was down a touchdown then came back to win on a trick play. These two teams exchanged more shots back and forth than Rosie O’Donnell and Donald Trump.

How about that Boise State-Oklahoma game? Wow, I thought the Sooners – the worst nickname a woman could give a guy – were Laters but then they came back. After winning the game on a trick play, the guy who scores for Boise proposes to his cheerleader girlfriend on national TV. (And you thought he scored big before?)

Hollywood couldn’t have made it more unbelievable. That is why college football rocks.