Wednesday, January 03, 2007

It is hard out here

Who you baby daddy, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers?

Now that the NFL playoffs have begun it becomes more painful that Los Angeles does not have a professional football team - if you don’t count USC. In fact, it is starting to look like even Oakland will get a pro football team before Los Angeles does.

Gerald Ford was honored today at his funeral. Did you know that President Ford was the only president to serve without being elected president? Well, if you don’t count President Bush’s first term.

Texas Tech basketball coach Bobby Knight got his record-setting 880th win against New Mexico. After setting the record the public address system played the Frank Sinatra song “My Way” in tribute. Apparently they decided against playing Ted Nugent’s “Stranglehold.”

Michael Jackson spoke at James Brown’s funeral saying that Brown was Jackson’s inspiration to become a black male performer right up until Jackson decided to become a white female performer.

Denver was hammered with its second huge snowstorm of the year; this just in, the Denver Symposium on Global Warming has been postponed indefinitely.

An inmate in Lincoln, Nebraska was charged with assault after being accused of having excessive flatulence. Man, that Kevin Federline can’t catch a break this year.

Tiger Woods wife, Elin Nordegren, is pregnant. And here I thought Tiger was talking about a golf shot when he said he was laying it up.

Insiders say friends of Britney Spears are worried that Paris Hilton is using Britney to bolster Paris’s dead singing career. Apparently Paris feels that, with Britney’s clout, Paris could actually produce a CD that somebody might actually buy.

Rosie O’Donnell and Donald Trump continue to humiliate themselves in the press. The last time two people looked this idiotic in the press, a minister said; “I now pronounce Katie and Tom man and wife.”

Rosie O’Donnell called Donald Trump a pimp and Trump called Rosie a degenerate loser; today Rosie retorted by calling Trump a doody-head times infinity, and Trump shot back with “I know you are but what am I?”

It was a rough year for lesbians. Donald Trump insulted Rosie O’Donnell, Miss Nevada lost her title and Miss USA nearly did over public lesbian acts. And Kelly Ripa got very angry at Clay Aiken, so it was a tough time for lesbians in general.

Since you asked:

Had the old anxiety dream again last night.

You know, the one where I am working for some big shot production company but I have no idea what I am supposed to be doing, so I just play around on the computer and walk about and try and look busy.

Which made me think: Why should big studios continue to whore out to hire big shot comedians for big huge bucks to punch up their lame scripts with jokes? (For one of the crappy Batman movies, Dennis Miller reportedly got a couple milski just for a couple of lines of dialogue)

For one million less, they can hire me to be on call full time to come up with preview, talk show, promo, poster and sponge-worthy wise cracks. Hell, I’ll even drive up to the Los Angeleum to sign the deal if they want me to. Sure, I am that motivated.

Producer: “Hey Lexster, baby, sweety, snookums, give us a line for a cop arresting a bad guy.”

Lex: “Hmm. Halt or I’ll shoot you like Cheney shoots a lawyer’s face. And drop that gun like Paris’s panties, Beeeyatch.”

Producer; “You are so money, you know that? Speaking of money, I’ll just wire the mil-bonies into your account, per usual, capice? Next time you vieje del Norte we’ll do lunch at Dan Tana’s on my peso, Sabes? Ciao sweetums.”

Was that so hard? A boy can dream, right?

It was bound to happen:

Two babes on "YouTube" did a take-off on the "SNL" digital short "Dick in a Box." The title? (Wait for it, wait for it) "My Box in a Box."


(Polite applause)

Give me a boo-yah one time up in this here boo-rizzy.

Check this out:

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The Shequel may even be better