It is hard out here

Firebrands, reprobates and scofflaws, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Passing the torch
As I am sure you’re aware, the hardest working man in show business, James Brown, passed away. So who inherits the title of the hardest working man in show business? Rosie O’Donnell.


Happy New Year. And, if you work for FEMA, there are only ten more shopping days ‘til Christmas.

Happy Birthday Mel Gibson who turned 51 this week. If you are thinking about a gift for Mel you can’t go wrong with a cab voucher.

Not a big hit
Rumor has it that the album Britney Spears is recording is so bad her record company may fire her. For some reason they didn’t like her songs; “I Hate Kevin”, “K-Fed is Dead to Me” “Federline Past the Deadline” and “Kick Deadbeat to the Curb.”

Rumor has it that the album Britney Spears is recording is so bad her record company may fire her. It seems Britney is not putting a lot of effort in to making the album. Take for example, her song “Oops, I Did It Again, Again.”

Harsh
Paris Hilton was fired by Club Paris as their spokesperson. Club Paris came to the realization that a vapid, vain, utterly untalented nasty emu-looking skank somehow did not project quite the right image they desired.  

No twist either
Rumor has it that the Britney Spears record company may fire her. Britney is not worried, at least we know her panties aren’t in a bunch.  

That guy was great
Remember that hilarious Iraqi Information Minister who proclaimed victory when U.S. tanks cruised into Baghdad? Wonder how he would describe Saddam Hussein’s hanging? “After receiving an extensive neck massage, our beloved Iraqi leader is resting comfortably.”

Ouch
The big controversy on YouTube is the shot of the USC cheerleader at the Rose Bowl who appears do be pulling a Britney, sans panties. A USC spokesperson claims it was just a wedgie. I saw the clip. If that’s a wedgie she’s going to need a proctologist to get that out.

Talk about a bad week
More bad news for Saddam Hussein. Saddam was a Sunni Muslim – although many would say he was a real Shiite heel – and thus he believed he would get 72 virgins in heaven. Well, there was a clerical error. Instead of 72 virgins, Saddam got one 72-year-old virgin.


Since you asked:
It’s time to play that little game that nobody but me cares about called:

Lex’s Little Known Facts.

My favorite show? Right now it is “30 Rock.” As a genius comedy writer and comedian, Tina Fey is an amazingly good actress just as Alec Baldwin is also a hilarious comedic actor. And Tracy Morgan cannot not be funny. Tracy Morgan could read the phone book and it would kill.  How did he get held back so much on “Saturday Night Live”? Other than his Star Jones, I can’t think of a character Tracy did on “SNL” that was funny. How Tracy Morgan and Alec Baldwin held it together in the last show when Tracy said; “I got a guy who can help you with that sex-pooping problem” I will never know.

My last song downloaded? Nat King Cole’s “All I Want For Christmas” (is my two front teeth) in honor of Ann Caroline’s missing two front teeth.

My New Year’s resolution? Sub-one hour 500 meter swim, nine mile bike and 5K run triathlon by my birthday, August 15th. And in thus doing, lose some weight. I was going to say to try and stop making so many jokes about the French but we all know that would be a bold-faced lie.

My drink of choice lately? Kettle One and Cranberry and Pineapple juice. And no it does not make me, well, a guy who drinks stuff with fruit juices in it.

My latest impression? Kris Kristofferson narrating a biography on Sam Peckinpah. You can do it too. Just talk real low and slow with an accent just like Sam “Beef, it’s what for dinner” Elliot’s cowboy accent with a slightly rougher voice and say;

“Sam Peckinpah made a career of filming scofflaws, firebrands and reprobates.”

Still working on my Christopher Walken imitation. It is still a little weak. But you have to go way up when you say crazy.