Saturday, November 04, 2006

Post-workout caffeine crash induced rant:

Why I hate the people who live in this area, #789.

We belong to a gym in the neighborhood that is nice. It tries to promote itself as a luxury country club and spa without a golf course but it is really just a big and fancy gym with three really nice pools and many tennis courts, a huge state-of-the-art gym, a gymnasium, handball courts, a pretty good dining area and great saunas whirl pools. For a fairly reasonable price, it is a great deal if you use it a lot and we do.

The problem is the members. They are, with notable exceptions of some good friends of mine, the rudest, unfriendliness, snottiest a-holes on the planet. Every day, they do not return hellos; they shut doors in other’s faces, the fill up their huge water bottles while people wait in line in back of them for a sip; they do not let others work in on their weight machine; they change channels on the TV without asking those already watching; they let their ill-mannered spoiled hyper yuppie spawn run amok, and they set the world record for long-slow-middle-of-the-parking-lot-waddlers-who-cut-dirty-looks-when-you-can-finally-drive-by-them. The list is seemingly endless.

The all-time winner was a highly surgically altered and overly tanned woman who emerged from her advanced spin class only to climb into her huge-ass Hummer that just happened to be parked in a handicapped stall.

But she may have a rival.

When they opened the gym, they posted two-by three signs about every thirty feet asking people to not use their cell phones in the gym area. That wasn’t enough. I lost track of how many times somebody would yammer on their cell phone directly underneath one of those signs.

So today, when I walked into the gym, right in front, there on a tripod was a five by four foot sign in huge letters demanding that members not use their cell phones in the gym and turn off their pagers. Who was standing in front of that sign? A forty-something woman yammering away on her cell phone.

For Borat’s sequel I want him to join in on the conversations of people talking out loud in public on their cell phones:

“Is going good, thanks for asking. No, I am not wanting Chinese food for dinner tonight. In my country of Kazakhstan, the Chinese food is coming from the leftover parts of dead rodents. No, I was not watching the Oprah. In my country, Oprah is what you catch in your testaciesicles from unclean gypsy prostitutes, which I have had fourteen times. High five.”

I know, Mark Snake, I know.

It is hard out here

All hail the great Borat, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

After Ted Haggert first denied he even knew the man who claims Haggert bought gay sex and drugs from him, Haggert flip flopped and said he bought the drugs, but threw the drugs away and only had a massage from the male prostitute. Even Bill Clinton was impressed with this story.

The head of one of the biggest Evangelical groups, Ted Haggert, resigned after a male prostitute claimed Haggert paid for gay sex and drugs. On the bright side, Haggert did receive a very warm hand-written letter of deep thanks from John Kerry.

The initial indications are that many of Haggert’s followers believe his latest explanation. But then a majority of those people also believe that Jesus flew to the sun on a purple unicorn.

This whole incident begs the question: What would Borat think of this Ted Haggert mess?

“In-ah my country, Kazakhstan, since reforms, we is now being wery accepting of the gay man homiesexualistics who make ah banga banga banga in da ahhh-noose ‘til it hang loose like mouth of tired dog. For being example, we no longer make them wear blue hats. Yeeeuuuus. And we no longer gather the homiesexualistics on Sunday and tie them naked to rabid goats and have entire willage make the wee wee on them. High five.”


It is hard out here

Don’t nobody get outta here wit out no dings and nicks, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Randers

The nerve
The head of one of the biggest Evangelical groups, Ted Haggert, resigned under allegations of paying a male prostitute for gay sex and drugs. Who does this guy think he is, a congressman?

A good cause
After 35 years, Bob Barker is retiring as host of “The Price is Right”. Barker is going to pursue his other passion: overseeing the neutering of all stray animals and Kevin Federline.

Thanks for explaining
I don’t think John Kerry gets it. After botching a joke that insulted the military’s intelligence, Kerry said he was sorry if the military thought he was being condescending. Kerry went on to add, “By the way, condescending means to talk down to someone who isn’t very smart.”

I don’t think John Kerry gets it. After botching a joke that insulted the military’s intelligence, critics say that Kerry seemed even more arrogant and pretentious than usual. To which Kerry replied; “Arrogant and pretentious? Moi? Who are vous to call me arrogant and pretentious?”

To give you an idea how arrogant and pretentious Kerry seemed after his joke, Kerry was named an honorary Frenchman.

This John Kerry botched joke won’t go away. To give you an idea how much trouble Kerry is in for insulting the military, today Kerry’s wife, Teresa, took away is car privileges.

Feeling of guilt and insecurity sold separately
There is now a Dr. Laura action figure. Actually this is the second version. The first plastic doll looked way to warm, personable, human and lifelike to be Dr. Laura.

Can’t keep his mouth shut
More trouble for John Kerry. At the White House Halloween party, the president over-heard Kerry say; “It may be the booze talking, but Laura Bush looks hot in that Hooker costume.”

The White House Halloween costume party got awkward; people kept mistakenly congratulating Barbara Bush on her George Washington mask.

Good to hear
A new scientific study shows that red wine helps obese mice stay healthy. This information was viewed as vitally exciting and important news to absolutely nobody on the planet.

Well, OK, then
After botching a joke that insulted the military’s intelligence in Iraq, John Kerry said he refused to apologize but then, yesterday, he apologized. Today Kerry refused to apologize for apologizing but then he apologized for not apologizing about his apology.

The military said there are no hard feelings towards John Kerry about the botched joke. In fact, one anonymous military spokesperson said they even have their own John Kerry joke. John Kerry walks into a bar, puts his head in hands and sighs. The bartender asks; “So, why the long face?”

Thursday, November 02, 2006

How you feelin’ us workin’ it up on it now, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers?

Bitter sweet
It’s sad that baseball season is over. In fact, today is the annual ritual at all baseball stadiums where they store the hot dog water in garbage cans ‘til next year.

And they never forget what they look like
A new study reveals that elephants have self-awareness. That’s amazing, even our President doesn’t have that.

Some things never change
Ford has made their last Ford Taurus. Now guys won’t be able to have sex with women in a Taurus. Just like always.

They are going to widen the Panama Canal so bigger ships can get through it. They are going to widen the Panama Canal so more seaman can get through. It’s called: Project Paris Hilton.

Poor lil’ guy
They make Halloween candy really small and they call it “Fun size.” You know it had to be a guy who came up with this marketing strategy; “No really, sweety, it’s not small, it’s fun size.”

Look on the bright side
The bad news for the Detroit Lions is that they are 1- 6. The good news? One more loss and the Lions might get adopted by Madonna.

All Hallows Eve
I enjoyed Halloween, I got dressed up, I carved a pumpkin and then when the trick or treaters came along, I handed out bags of spinach.

There was a girl dressed up as Nicole Richey. Her trick or treat bag had a big hole in it.

Halloween is great, you walk around scaring everyone in your neighborhood and then you go home and eat yourself silly with candy. Or as Rosie O’Donnell calls that: Tuesday.

Everybody knows that have a real scary pumpkin. I carved it to look like Hillary Clinton when she hears Barack Obama might run for president.

We have a tradition of giving the trick or treaters a riddle. This year it was: why is ex-congressman Mark Foley like George W. Bush reading a book? He always gets stuck on one page.

Hate to hear that
Paris Hilton appeared on “Monday Night Football”, she picked up a football helmet and asked; “I’m ready for some football.” Sadly, afterwards, the helmet had to be treated for a sexually transmitted disease.

Since you asked:

We toss around the word genius pretty quickly. We might want to throw that word at Sacha Baron Cohen. His Barat character is the perfect comedic storm.

At a time when people have become so hyper-sensitive, lost all objectivity, perspective, not to mention their sense of humor, along comes a smart, cool, articulate, highly educated, talented Jewish comedian who stays in character as Borat, a naïve, bumbling, racist, anti-Semitic, English-butchering imbecilic perverted foul-mouthed dork from Kazakhstan.

Borat takes all of our hyper-sensitivity, our political correctness induced covert racism, and throws it back in our face. And we allow it to happen because of our hypocritical insistence to tolerate other cultures combined with our terror of appearing impolite to foreigners.

If the entire movie is as good as the clips I’ve seen of “Borat: Cultural Learnings of America For Make Benefit of Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan” the entire movie is going to be hysterical:

The hyper polite Southerners nearly breaking their backs leaning over to be polite to their hilariously crass dinner guest.

The angry and bitter feminists who furiously storm out of a Q & A interview.

The Kazakhstan’s annual “Running of the Jews.”

The feminists were the best. First of all, they were straight out of central casting: sandal wearing, bespectacled, masculine-looking angry and bitter women who are angry and bitter because of hateful men who are intolerant and un-accepting of women. And yet they storm out on Barat because they were angry and intolerant and un-accepting.


But in the feminists defense, Borat did say that women's brains were the size of a squirrel's. You don't have to be Jane Fonda to get tweaked at that.

I’ve got no idea where this Sacha Baron Cohen finds those Volkswagon sized testicles of his, maybe he feels safe hiding behind the Borat character, but he has them and the result is hilarious.

My only problem with the movie clips I’ve seen is my own hyper-sensitive cringing at people who embarrass themselves. But with Borat, as with Cohen’s other character, Ali G, the people who generally do humiliate themselves are so humorless and self-important and so oblivious that it is as glorious as it is hilarious to see them make total idiots of themselves. The Marx Brothers did much the same thing, albeit more scripted and rehearsed.

In fact, Borat reminds me of an Eastern European/ Western Asian Groucho loopy on Vodka and Red Bull. He is at once sweet and innocent while he is also vile and offensive.

All hail the U.S and A. All hail sex. All hail the awkward high five. Very niiiiiiiiiiice.

Borat for President. Yeeeeeeuuuuuuus. High five.

Tuesday, October 31, 2006

Day make ah dah banga banga in dah ahnizzy, respek, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Rancheros

(Doesn’t a big plate of Nugget Rancheros sound good right about now?)

A load of help
In an interview in “People”, Kevin Federline said the more people hate him the more it helps him; so I when his new Rap CD is out, Kevin is going to get a great deal of help.

Not pretty
We had an ugly scene at the front door of our house last Halloween. A kid dressed up as a maid got beat up by a kid dressed up as Naomi Campbell.

So close
Nicole Richey was released from a rehab center only to re-appear in a trendy Hollywood club where she passed out. Wow, released from rehab, passed out at a club, all that was missing was a fight with Lindsay Lohan and Nicole could have won the celebrity trifecta.

Not good WS ratings is what we mean
A list of America’s safest cities listed the two World Series cities of St Louis and Detroit as the two most dangerous cities. Especially if you’re a Fox Sports executive.

No, really, they are
A list of America’s safest cities listed the two World Series cities of St Louis and Detroit as the two most dangerous cities. How dangerous are the cities of St. Louis and Detroit? Their sister cities are Baghdad and Fallujah.

So mean
Today is the 32nd anniversary of the Muhammad Ali George Foreman “Rumble in the Jungle” fight in Zaire. Now George Foreman is famous for people making burgers on his George Foreman grill, but sadly, the wildly inappropriate Muhammad Ali milk shake machine never caught on.

Since you asked:

Every now and then we - all the good people here at a.L.b.B. - like to just toss the Baby Ruth in the punch bowl, Slatolos and Rancheros. Yes, we let fly wit’ dah controversizzy, is what we do up on it up in here. OK, brace yourself, here goes:

I like hot dogs.

Now back off. Do not get mad. Hear me out.

No really, the old fashioned, all American, beef frankfurter on a bun with a bunch of gunk and good stuff is a highly underrated and tasty meal.

Sure, as I am a grilling demigod you are probably saying, so Lexmeister, you grill that puppy up, right? Wrong. No, wait, come back. Listen. The grill is still the place for the brat or the pork sausage or anything else. But the beef frankfurter should be boiled. It is the way god intended it to be cooked.

Toppings are key. You must grill the bun and make it toasty but not burned. Add chopped and grilled onions, cheddar cheese, sauerkraut – yes, I know it looks gross, but it is awesome – mustard and, yes, a little Ketchup.

Seriously, do not throw that knife, I mean it. Put it down. Good.

Now, I agree, if you put Ketchup on a Brat or a sausage, I say you deserve to simmer in the seventh circle of hell like all right-thinking Chicagoans think. But this is where the all beef frankfurter is different. It needs a little ketchup in there. A spicy brown mustard, close the bun and smoosh and Bob is your freakin’ bad-toothed Uncle. Potato chips and a cold beer.

Eat that with a game on where you viciously boo a bunch of athletes who are so much better than you ever were it is impossible to measure.

Now the chili dog is a different animal altogether. Just cheese, onions and Chili. You in a hurry? That Bush’s chili in a jar is pretty good. Sure it isn’t near as good as Lex’s five hour Lexter Dexter chili but it will suffice in a pinch as long as you put a dash of Tabasco in there.

As for the all beef dog itself, you can’t go wrong with Boar’s Brand. The casing is really snappy. Great flavor too.

Now go out there and dog it up, beeeeyatches.


It is hard out here

We gonna get our spooky up on it, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

A Uniter
In a campaign speech in Indiana, President Bush said the democrats don’t know how to win in Iraq; so I guess he’s saying the democrats and republicans do have something in common.

Oh, Paris
USC was upset by Oregon State 33-31. The Beavers beat the Trojans. Upon hearing that Beavers outlasted the Trojans, Paris Hilton said; “That’s why I use the pill.”

In another upset the Northern California Diaphragms lost to the Southern Oregon Money-shots.

But I tell ya . . .
With eight days until election day, experts say Congress is about to change hands. And that’s just the congressmen who will have to stop holding hands with the pages.

Costume idea
A lot of people are still wondering what to wear for Halloween; I have a suggestion, combine your old Elvis costume with your old Mini Me suit and go as Kim Jong Il.