Saturday, May 20, 2006

It is hard out here

Take it slow from the get go, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

At an L.A. nightclub, Lindsay Lohan screamed obscenities at Paris Hilton including calling her a slut. Paris was so startled, she banged her head underneath the table.

Who knew?
The De Vinci Code opens today. Now, I don’t want to ruin the movie for anyone, but I solved the De Vinci Code. The De Vinci code translates to: “Its Hard Out Here For a Pimp.”

Makes sense
O.J. Simpson has been given his own reality television show called “Juiced.” In a related story, justice is officially dead and we think it was OJ who killed it.

Just when you think reality TV can’t get any sleazier, they give a show called “Juiced,” to OJ Simpson. Apparently Osama bin Laden and Saddam Hussein weren’t available.

It has been reported that the FBI is digging around at a Michigan farm in search of murdered teamster boss, Jimmy Hoffa’s body. Upon hearing this, the CIA said, “Somebody murdered Jimmy Hoffa? When did this happen?”  

They didn’t find Jimmy Hoffa but you won’t believe who they did dig up: Magician David Blaine. Turns out it was his next stunt.

Not a great night
It’s high school prom time. My memories of prom are bad. For example, my prom date, well, she wouldn’t put out for me. But she did put out for our limo driver.

So special
It is high school prom time. It’s that wonderful time of year when, all over the country, high school boys hope and pray that they get lucky with somebody besides their teacher.  

Ya’ think?
The first “Survivor” winner, Richard Hatch, is going to prison for not paying taxes on the winnings. That IRS, they’re pretty sneaky. The way they found out that Hatch got the one million dollars was by asking one of the one hundred million people who watched him get it on TV.

A good tip
Here is some sage advice for the producers of “Juiced” If you are having creative differences with OJ Simpson and OJ shows up for a meeting wearing a black wool hat and those ugly ass shoes? You might want to call security.

Since you asked:
The annoyance of over-entitlement has broke new ground into footwear. Yes, as I work from home, luckily, I get to wear more than my share of comfortable loose-fitting footwear: sandals, Ugg boots, rubber soled hiking boots, etc. Now it seems everyone is. That is fine, I certainly do not miss the clunky hard Oxfords of the Eighties and early Nineties. That doesn’t mean that, when you walk, you get to noisily shuffle them on the ground.

This lumpy, dorky looking, slack-jawed, mouth-breathing obligatory pants-half-off high school kid with a terminal case of acne was trudging along on the sidewalk through the park, listening to his iPod and loudly scuffling his feet. The sound his $50 beach sandals made sounded exactly like;

“Douche bag, douche bag, douche bag, douche bag”

Folks, unless you want to look, as well as sound, like a douche bag, pick up your feet.

(Polite applause)  

Thursday, May 18, 2006

It is hard out here

S’up with yo bad selves, Torn Slattern and Nugget Ranchers?

So sad
Graduation time is coming up. This is a tough time for a lot of boys graduating from High School students, they have to break up with their teachers.  

Not good
The first “Survivor” winner, the fat naked guy, Richard Hatch, is going to jail for four years for not paying taxes on his million dollar winnings; oh boy, the last thing you want is to go to prison with the name Dick Hatch.  

Did you see the big “Survivor” episode? It was a big surprise, they voted off magician David Blaine because he lost the hold-your-breath immunity challenge.

Tough to top
O.J. Simpson has a new “Punked” style TV show called “Juiced” where O.J. surprises people. Though I doubt OJ will ever top how much he surprised Nicole and Ron.

OJ has his own TV show. And you thought the producers of “Joey” had a guilty conscience?

Mad as hell
A survey claims that Miami has the worst road rage of all cities; Los Angeles drivers were so upset about hearing they lost the worst road rage to Miami that they shot out their car radios.

Early this year
May 9th was national orgasm day. Was it just me or did orgasm day come early this year?  

I can hardly wait
Barry Bonds is still stuck on home run 713, one shy of Babe Ruth’s record; just one more home run by Barry Bonds and we can get on with really not caring about Bonds or his stupid record.

Where is the shame?
Beatle Sir Paul McCarthy and his wife, Heather Mills, have split up; it is estimated that Heather will receive $375 million in the settlement. That should help her get back on her foot.

When she heard Paul wanted a divorce, Heather was hopping mad.

Hopefully this will be an amicable split, because Heather wouldn’t stand much of a chance in an ass kicking contest.  

Makes sense
Britney Spears is in trouble again for a “New York Post” photo that shows her driving with her baby facing forward instead of the required backwards car seat. It’s not for safety reasons, they just don’t think the baby should be subjected to looking at Kevin Federline more than it has to.

First word sound like?
Now, I don’t want to imply that Kenny Rogers over did it with his face lift, but how would you like to have Kenny Rogers as your partner for Charades? “Shock? Terror? Surprise? Horror? Amazed? What?”
Right man for the job
For the second time, gay pop singer George Michael passed out behind the wheel of his car, this time when he woke up he drove off and hit a post. There were no charges but authorities are considering running Michaels for Patrick Kennedy’s congressional seat.  

More clever than funny
St. Louis Cardinals slugger Albert Pujols has 19 home runs and is way ahead of Barry Bonds five home runs and the inactive Rafael Palmeiro and Sammy Sosa’s zero. So, this year, in home runs, one Pujols is better than three a-holes.  

Since you asked
For the last time, anyone over the age of 35 cannot use street slang without doing it with obvious sarcasm. (Attention: Jim Rome and the opening line of a.l.B.b.)You want to avoid being like Judge Smails’s wife in “Caddy Shack” when she says;

“OK, children you can shake your booties down to the dock.”

Wednesday, May 17, 2006

It is hard out here

That is how it do up in here, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

On Monday night’s speech President Bush unveiled his plan to cut down on illegal immigration. The plan is so thorough and intense, it could decimate the entire New York Yankee pitching staff.

Apparently President Bush is not kidding around about his plan to stop illegal immigration. Today mothers in Beverly Hills were instructed that they may have to raise their own children.

That’s not right
A 47-year-old New Zealand man, Mark Inglis, became the first double amputee to scale Mount Everest. This amazing feat can be seen as a courageous act of overcoming incredible obstacles, or you can be a cynical bastard and say, big deal, it’s not like carbon fiber legs ever get tired.

Reports said one of Inglis's carbon-fiber legs snapped at 6,400 meters and he was forced to repair it with spare parts. But when his artificial leg snapped, this guy was hopping mad.

He threatened to sue the prosthesis company that made the leg that broke, but his case really didn’t have a leg to stand on.

It was a little awkward, when he came back to base camp, one of the reporters congratulated Inglis on his amazing feat, Inglis thought he said amazing feet and punched the guy in the face.

Studies reveal that eating grapefruits can help you lose weight. The bad news? Nicole Richey ate a grapefruit and disappeared into thin air.  

Kind of like that
Polls indicate that the immigrant protests backfired and have made public opinion on illegal immigration even worse. In retrospect, maybe it wasn’t a good idea to quit work to protest the right to work. That’s like Nicole Richey protesting against eating disorders by going on a hunger strike.

Uh, no Sir, that’s not, oh forget it
The US is going to restore ties with Libya. It was a little awkward, President Bush said he was going to renew ties with Libyan leader Khadafi because he liked Khadafi on the “Cosby” spin off “A Different World.”

Since you asked
What a relief that Keef is OK. Man, was I feeling guilty about the Keith Richards jokes when it suddenly looked like my man might check out. It really helps to illustrate the difference between personal beliefs and trying to write jokes. To the overwhelming majority of people, Keith is a punch line to drunk older British rocker jokes, just like Ozzie Osbourne is.

But if you do any research at all, one finds that Keith is a kind, funny, modest, and wise rock pioneer. Keith Richards is arguably one of the greatest figures in rock history. But that Keef isn’t funny, now is he? So what did I do? As the Brit Keith might say, I took the piss.

When the amazingly consistently inconsistent press started to report Messer Richards was on his way out, guilt flooded over me. Not only had a used one of my favorite artists for too-easy jokes, but I am such a joke whore that I don’t even believe the jokes in the first place.

Long live Keith Richards. He is a well deserved rock legend and I, like billions others, am much the richer for his being so. Keith, if, by some miracle, you read this, tonight I am going to play harmonica along with some Stones songs and toast a bevy to you.  

Tuesday, May 16, 2006

It is hard out here

This is how we livin’, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Not good
In his attempt to tie Babe Ruth’s home run record, San Francisco Giants slugger Barry Bonds has not had a hit in his last 15 at bats. To give you an idea how bad that is, Barry has had less hits in May than Kevin Federline’s rap album.

Makes sense
A brothel in Germany is catering to men who want to lose their virginity. In order to attract virgin men, all the prostitutes are dressed like “Star War’s” Princess Lea.

Again, not good
The NFL took the Wonderlic intelligence test, and the Jacksonville Jaguars had the lowest average at 18.6, almost ten below the highest team, the New York Jets at 28. Now, I don’t want to imply the Jaguars aren’t smart, but 60% of the Jaguars think they are named after a car.

You can tell the Jaguars have the lowest intelligent test averages, today they hired Jessica Simpson to be their offensive coordinator.

Finishing just second to last were the Tennessee Titans with an average of 19. Apparently everyone remembers the Titans except for the Titans.

The New York Jets had the highest intelligence average. Really? Then why are they playing for the Jets?

Catchy name
It was embarrassing, Paris Hilton appeared in Las Vegas to launch her new video game, but she called it the wrong name. She called it “Diamondquest” when the name of the Paris Hilton video game is actually “Spank the Skank.”

Hope the visual quality is better in Paris’s video game then in her sex video.

Ouchie, ouch ouch
A man in Saudi Arabia had his penis reattached after his maid cut it off; apparently she was determined to get a tip one way or the other.

The proper medical name for that procedure is: an addadicktome.

Amazing likeness
Former Vice President Al Gore appeared on “Saturday Night Live.” That Hi Def TV is amazing. Al Gore looked practically lifelike.

Not a good sign
The White House may have to admit that global warming exists; today, Iceland officially changed its name to Take a Sweater Just in Case Land.

Barack to basics
Illinois senator Barack Obama is considered a democratic favorite to run for President. Or as President Bush calls Barack Obama: Brokeback Alabama.

Illinois senator Barack Obama is considered a democratic favorite to run for President. I hope he campaigns in California, I would love to hear Arnold Schwarzenegger try and pronounce Barack Obama. Brokeback Alabamamama.

Makes sense
Many baseball players chose not to use the Mother’s Day pink bats - in support of fighting breast cancer - because they thought pink bats would make them look silly. Then they slobbered tobacco juice, adjusted their crotches and put on their inside out rally caps.

Mommy day
Did you have a good mother’s day? I spent the whole day trying to coax David Blaine out of our Jacuzzi.

Some interesting facts are coming from Keith Richards’s recent hospital stay. Did you know that the fourth time Keith dozed off and woke up in the morgue, they let him keep the body bag?

They had to keep telling Keith Richards, “That’s funny, Mr. Richards, now take off the black hood and put down the sickle, you’re scaring the other patients.”

Some interesting facts are coming from Keith Richards’s recent hospital stay. While treating Mr. Richards, five doctors nearly succumbed to secondhand smoke inhalation.

In Florida, there have been three fatal alligator attacks in one week; the really sad part? All three were running from the beach to get away from sharks.

Record breaking
The East Coast has been flooded with four days of heavy rain. To give you an idea how bad it is, today the entire town of Peabody, Mass, just broke David Blaine’s record for staying underwater.

Uh, no Sir, that’s not, oh forget it
The US is going to restore ties with Libya. It was a little awkward, when they asked President Bush what he thought of the relationship with Libya, Bush blushed and said; “We shouldn’t be discussing intimate female parts so close to Mother’s Day.”

President Bush is ordering the National Guard to enforce the Mexican border. That’s rich. President Bush ordering the National Guard is like Bill Clinton running for husband of the year.

Since you asked:
Not really sure if it’s a wife thing, a woman thing, or a banker thing, or a mother thing, but my lovely, sweet wife, Virginia, has the most amazing default to overly complicated thinking. No matter how simple or easy something is, she can instantly turn it into the most involved and complex and expensive situation since the D-Day invasion of Normandy.

Take, for a very recent example, the Mother’s Day task of walking the dogs. How can you mess that up? Get the leash, get the dogs, go. Oh no. Not even close.

When I told my wife we should walk the dogs, her eyes glazed over and this is how her brain flew into action:

“OK, good idea. Of course, I have to go to the bank and then to the dry cleaner and then to the Goodwill. Why? Because there is no room in the car after I loaded with Goodwill stuff. Why do we need the car? Well, we should drive them to dog beach in Del Mar. Yes, I know it is Mother’s Day and that will be very crowded and we will have to pay $4 to park, but the dogs haven’t been there in a long time. Oh, and I need to do some laundry because we need to clean the ratty bad towels to use to dry the dogs off. And afterwards we can take them to that dog groomer in Solona Beach and drop them off because I have to go to the plumbing store in Encinitas to get a new fixture for the bathroom, and, oh that reminds me, I have to get a baby shower present for Christine, our decorator . . .”

This goes on and on, involving seven stops, grocery stores, hardware stores, a furniture store, gift shops and she doesn’t stop until I walk back into the front door.

“Where were you?” She asks, her eyes coming slowly back into focus.

“While you were planning, I took the dogs for a walk.”

Lex’s inside comedy secrets
One of the things I used to love doing while performing at a comedy club was busting the guys on dates. Guys, we’ve all done it: you take the girl you want to impress to the comedy club to show her how funny and fun and whacky you are. News flash: just attending a comedy club does not actually make you a comedian. Hell, half the comedians aren’t comedians. So it is so fun to bust these guys.

You hit them with something embarrassing – and it doesn’t even have to be true - but something like;

“All guys have, at one time or another, masturbated to a nature special. Period.”

That is a big fat stinking lie. But it doesn’t matter, the same thing always happens. The girls cut the guy the stink eye and the guys all look like a dog going potty.

“Duh, duh, look away from her, if I can’t see her she can’t see me, yup, yup, yup.”

You know you are a loser when:

You haven’t had an e-mail in so long – like five minutes – you send yourself an e-mail to check if it is still working.

Married guy advice:
Marriage is a really good thing because sometimes my wife reads this blog, but one of the problems of getting married is that all clubs and parties now suck. The only reason guys go to clubs or parties is to hook up. So, when you are married, why would you want to go to a club or a party? When I am at a party and I ask someone;

“So, what do you do?” What I am really saying is “I would so rather be watching the Cubs.”

And, I don’t care what any guy says when his wife is standing next to him, all guys at parties or in a bar, are 22 and single in their head.

So a married guy goes to hot bar with is buddies and the same thing always happens. You have a couple of drinks, start to relax, you see a cute woman and your brain says;

“Whoa, look at her. That woman is so, so, so totally not married to me.”


The first time Lex bought a dirty magazine.

It seems so innocent now, almost like a scene from a Norman Rockwell painting – almost – but there we were, my buddy - I can’t say his name because he is the pillar of his community, but it rhymes with Stewie. Stewie and I were about fourteen and were outside of Connie’s Pharmacy on a hot summer day, and we are arguing over who is going to go inside and buy the “Playboy.”

Well, Stewie is smarter than I am, so I lost. But I waited until the Pharmicist – who knew us both by name and could squeal to our mothers – was away from the front cash register and the borderline-special-education reject who delivered prescriptions was at the counter. Big mistake.

When I asked for the “Playboy” he pulled out an issue and started leafing through the pages on the counter, loudly slobbering out a description of everything in detail on the pages as I stood there frozen with shock and horror.

“Ewww, thatsss sssssooo coooool,” he spat; “look, you can see her breassstsssssssss”

“Yeah, I know,” I said, dying inside, “please, just ring it up.”

“Wow, look right her between her legsssss, why you can almost sssssssee her . . .”

Suddenly there was a stern but amazingly familiar sounding voice as if from above;

“Why hello there, Alex. What, on earth, are you up to? ”

As I turned slowly around, it was none other than, Rev. Paul Allen, our minister and close friend of my parents.

It was so upsetting the entire episode put me off of "Playboys" for an entire ten minutes.