Wednesday, May 17, 2006

It is hard out here

That is how it do up in here, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

On Monday night’s speech President Bush unveiled his plan to cut down on illegal immigration. The plan is so thorough and intense, it could decimate the entire New York Yankee pitching staff.

Apparently President Bush is not kidding around about his plan to stop illegal immigration. Today mothers in Beverly Hills were instructed that they may have to raise their own children.

That’s not right
A 47-year-old New Zealand man, Mark Inglis, became the first double amputee to scale Mount Everest. This amazing feat can be seen as a courageous act of overcoming incredible obstacles, or you can be a cynical bastard and say, big deal, it’s not like carbon fiber legs ever get tired.

Reports said one of Inglis's carbon-fiber legs snapped at 6,400 meters and he was forced to repair it with spare parts. But when his artificial leg snapped, this guy was hopping mad.

He threatened to sue the prosthesis company that made the leg that broke, but his case really didn’t have a leg to stand on.

It was a little awkward, when he came back to base camp, one of the reporters congratulated Inglis on his amazing feat, Inglis thought he said amazing feet and punched the guy in the face.

Studies reveal that eating grapefruits can help you lose weight. The bad news? Nicole Richey ate a grapefruit and disappeared into thin air.  

Kind of like that
Polls indicate that the immigrant protests backfired and have made public opinion on illegal immigration even worse. In retrospect, maybe it wasn’t a good idea to quit work to protest the right to work. That’s like Nicole Richey protesting against eating disorders by going on a hunger strike.

Uh, no Sir, that’s not, oh forget it
The US is going to restore ties with Libya. It was a little awkward, President Bush said he was going to renew ties with Libyan leader Khadafi because he liked Khadafi on the “Cosby” spin off “A Different World.”

Since you asked
What a relief that Keef is OK. Man, was I feeling guilty about the Keith Richards jokes when it suddenly looked like my man might check out. It really helps to illustrate the difference between personal beliefs and trying to write jokes. To the overwhelming majority of people, Keith is a punch line to drunk older British rocker jokes, just like Ozzie Osbourne is.

But if you do any research at all, one finds that Keith is a kind, funny, modest, and wise rock pioneer. Keith Richards is arguably one of the greatest figures in rock history. But that Keef isn’t funny, now is he? So what did I do? As the Brit Keith might say, I took the piss.

When the amazingly consistently inconsistent press started to report Messer Richards was on his way out, guilt flooded over me. Not only had a used one of my favorite artists for too-easy jokes, but I am such a joke whore that I don’t even believe the jokes in the first place.

Long live Keith Richards. He is a well deserved rock legend and I, like billions others, am much the richer for his being so. Keith, if, by some miracle, you read this, tonight I am going to play harmonica along with some Stones songs and toast a bevy to you.