Tuesday, May 16, 2006

It is hard out here

This is how we livin’, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Not good
In his attempt to tie Babe Ruth’s home run record, San Francisco Giants slugger Barry Bonds has not had a hit in his last 15 at bats. To give you an idea how bad that is, Barry has had less hits in May than Kevin Federline’s rap album.

Makes sense
A brothel in Germany is catering to men who want to lose their virginity. In order to attract virgin men, all the prostitutes are dressed like “Star War’s” Princess Lea.

Again, not good
The NFL took the Wonderlic intelligence test, and the Jacksonville Jaguars had the lowest average at 18.6, almost ten below the highest team, the New York Jets at 28. Now, I don’t want to imply the Jaguars aren’t smart, but 60% of the Jaguars think they are named after a car.

You can tell the Jaguars have the lowest intelligent test averages, today they hired Jessica Simpson to be their offensive coordinator.

Finishing just second to last were the Tennessee Titans with an average of 19. Apparently everyone remembers the Titans except for the Titans.

The New York Jets had the highest intelligence average. Really? Then why are they playing for the Jets?

Catchy name
It was embarrassing, Paris Hilton appeared in Las Vegas to launch her new video game, but she called it the wrong name. She called it “Diamondquest” when the name of the Paris Hilton video game is actually “Spank the Skank.”

Hope the visual quality is better in Paris’s video game then in her sex video.

Ouchie, ouch ouch
A man in Saudi Arabia had his penis reattached after his maid cut it off; apparently she was determined to get a tip one way or the other.

The proper medical name for that procedure is: an addadicktome.

Amazing likeness
Former Vice President Al Gore appeared on “Saturday Night Live.” That Hi Def TV is amazing. Al Gore looked practically lifelike.

Not a good sign
The White House may have to admit that global warming exists; today, Iceland officially changed its name to Take a Sweater Just in Case Land.

Barack to basics
Illinois senator Barack Obama is considered a democratic favorite to run for President. Or as President Bush calls Barack Obama: Brokeback Alabama.

Illinois senator Barack Obama is considered a democratic favorite to run for President. I hope he campaigns in California, I would love to hear Arnold Schwarzenegger try and pronounce Barack Obama. Brokeback Alabamamama.

Makes sense
Many baseball players chose not to use the Mother’s Day pink bats - in support of fighting breast cancer - because they thought pink bats would make them look silly. Then they slobbered tobacco juice, adjusted their crotches and put on their inside out rally caps.

Mommy day
Did you have a good mother’s day? I spent the whole day trying to coax David Blaine out of our Jacuzzi.

Some interesting facts are coming from Keith Richards’s recent hospital stay. Did you know that the fourth time Keith dozed off and woke up in the morgue, they let him keep the body bag?

They had to keep telling Keith Richards, “That’s funny, Mr. Richards, now take off the black hood and put down the sickle, you’re scaring the other patients.”

Some interesting facts are coming from Keith Richards’s recent hospital stay. While treating Mr. Richards, five doctors nearly succumbed to secondhand smoke inhalation.

In Florida, there have been three fatal alligator attacks in one week; the really sad part? All three were running from the beach to get away from sharks.

Record breaking
The East Coast has been flooded with four days of heavy rain. To give you an idea how bad it is, today the entire town of Peabody, Mass, just broke David Blaine’s record for staying underwater.

Uh, no Sir, that’s not, oh forget it
The US is going to restore ties with Libya. It was a little awkward, when they asked President Bush what he thought of the relationship with Libya, Bush blushed and said; “We shouldn’t be discussing intimate female parts so close to Mother’s Day.”

President Bush is ordering the National Guard to enforce the Mexican border. That’s rich. President Bush ordering the National Guard is like Bill Clinton running for husband of the year.

Since you asked:
Not really sure if it’s a wife thing, a woman thing, or a banker thing, or a mother thing, but my lovely, sweet wife, Virginia, has the most amazing default to overly complicated thinking. No matter how simple or easy something is, she can instantly turn it into the most involved and complex and expensive situation since the D-Day invasion of Normandy.

Take, for a very recent example, the Mother’s Day task of walking the dogs. How can you mess that up? Get the leash, get the dogs, go. Oh no. Not even close.

When I told my wife we should walk the dogs, her eyes glazed over and this is how her brain flew into action:

“OK, good idea. Of course, I have to go to the bank and then to the dry cleaner and then to the Goodwill. Why? Because there is no room in the car after I loaded with Goodwill stuff. Why do we need the car? Well, we should drive them to dog beach in Del Mar. Yes, I know it is Mother’s Day and that will be very crowded and we will have to pay $4 to park, but the dogs haven’t been there in a long time. Oh, and I need to do some laundry because we need to clean the ratty bad towels to use to dry the dogs off. And afterwards we can take them to that dog groomer in Solona Beach and drop them off because I have to go to the plumbing store in Encinitas to get a new fixture for the bathroom, and, oh that reminds me, I have to get a baby shower present for Christine, our decorator . . .”

This goes on and on, involving seven stops, grocery stores, hardware stores, a furniture store, gift shops and she doesn’t stop until I walk back into the front door.

“Where were you?” She asks, her eyes coming slowly back into focus.

“While you were planning, I took the dogs for a walk.”

Lex’s inside comedy secrets
One of the things I used to love doing while performing at a comedy club was busting the guys on dates. Guys, we’ve all done it: you take the girl you want to impress to the comedy club to show her how funny and fun and whacky you are. News flash: just attending a comedy club does not actually make you a comedian. Hell, half the comedians aren’t comedians. So it is so fun to bust these guys.

You hit them with something embarrassing – and it doesn’t even have to be true - but something like;

“All guys have, at one time or another, masturbated to a nature special. Period.”

That is a big fat stinking lie. But it doesn’t matter, the same thing always happens. The girls cut the guy the stink eye and the guys all look like a dog going potty.

“Duh, duh, look away from her, if I can’t see her she can’t see me, yup, yup, yup.”

You know you are a loser when:

You haven’t had an e-mail in so long – like five minutes – you send yourself an e-mail to check if it is still working.

Married guy advice:
Marriage is a really good thing because sometimes my wife reads this blog, but one of the problems of getting married is that all clubs and parties now suck. The only reason guys go to clubs or parties is to hook up. So, when you are married, why would you want to go to a club or a party? When I am at a party and I ask someone;

“So, what do you do?” What I am really saying is “I would so rather be watching the Cubs.”

And, I don’t care what any guy says when his wife is standing next to him, all guys at parties or in a bar, are 22 and single in their head.

So a married guy goes to hot bar with is buddies and the same thing always happens. You have a couple of drinks, start to relax, you see a cute woman and your brain says;

“Whoa, look at her. That woman is so, so, so totally not married to me.”


The first time Lex bought a dirty magazine.

It seems so innocent now, almost like a scene from a Norman Rockwell painting – almost – but there we were, my buddy - I can’t say his name because he is the pillar of his community, but it rhymes with Stewie. Stewie and I were about fourteen and were outside of Connie’s Pharmacy on a hot summer day, and we are arguing over who is going to go inside and buy the “Playboy.”

Well, Stewie is smarter than I am, so I lost. But I waited until the Pharmicist – who knew us both by name and could squeal to our mothers – was away from the front cash register and the borderline-special-education reject who delivered prescriptions was at the counter. Big mistake.

When I asked for the “Playboy” he pulled out an issue and started leafing through the pages on the counter, loudly slobbering out a description of everything in detail on the pages as I stood there frozen with shock and horror.

“Ewww, thatsss sssssooo coooool,” he spat; “look, you can see her breassstsssssssss”

“Yeah, I know,” I said, dying inside, “please, just ring it up.”

“Wow, look right her between her legsssss, why you can almost sssssssee her . . .”

Suddenly there was a stern but amazingly familiar sounding voice as if from above;

“Why hello there, Alex. What, on earth, are you up to? ”

As I turned slowly around, it was none other than, Rev. Paul Allen, our minister and close friend of my parents.

It was so upsetting the entire episode put me off of "Playboys" for an entire ten minutes.