Saturday, May 20, 2006

It is hard out here

Take it slow from the get go, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

At an L.A. nightclub, Lindsay Lohan screamed obscenities at Paris Hilton including calling her a slut. Paris was so startled, she banged her head underneath the table.

Who knew?
The De Vinci Code opens today. Now, I don’t want to ruin the movie for anyone, but I solved the De Vinci Code. The De Vinci code translates to: “Its Hard Out Here For a Pimp.”

Makes sense
O.J. Simpson has been given his own reality television show called “Juiced.” In a related story, justice is officially dead and we think it was OJ who killed it.

Just when you think reality TV can’t get any sleazier, they give a show called “Juiced,” to OJ Simpson. Apparently Osama bin Laden and Saddam Hussein weren’t available.

It has been reported that the FBI is digging around at a Michigan farm in search of murdered teamster boss, Jimmy Hoffa’s body. Upon hearing this, the CIA said, “Somebody murdered Jimmy Hoffa? When did this happen?”  

They didn’t find Jimmy Hoffa but you won’t believe who they did dig up: Magician David Blaine. Turns out it was his next stunt.

Not a great night
It’s high school prom time. My memories of prom are bad. For example, my prom date, well, she wouldn’t put out for me. But she did put out for our limo driver.

So special
It is high school prom time. It’s that wonderful time of year when, all over the country, high school boys hope and pray that they get lucky with somebody besides their teacher.  

Ya’ think?
The first “Survivor” winner, Richard Hatch, is going to prison for not paying taxes on the winnings. That IRS, they’re pretty sneaky. The way they found out that Hatch got the one million dollars was by asking one of the one hundred million people who watched him get it on TV.

A good tip
Here is some sage advice for the producers of “Juiced” If you are having creative differences with OJ Simpson and OJ shows up for a meeting wearing a black wool hat and those ugly ass shoes? You might want to call security.

Since you asked:
The annoyance of over-entitlement has broke new ground into footwear. Yes, as I work from home, luckily, I get to wear more than my share of comfortable loose-fitting footwear: sandals, Ugg boots, rubber soled hiking boots, etc. Now it seems everyone is. That is fine, I certainly do not miss the clunky hard Oxfords of the Eighties and early Nineties. That doesn’t mean that, when you walk, you get to noisily shuffle them on the ground.

This lumpy, dorky looking, slack-jawed, mouth-breathing obligatory pants-half-off high school kid with a terminal case of acne was trudging along on the sidewalk through the park, listening to his iPod and loudly scuffling his feet. The sound his $50 beach sandals made sounded exactly like;

“Douche bag, douche bag, douche bag, douche bag”

Folks, unless you want to look, as well as sound, like a douche bag, pick up your feet.

(Polite applause)