Saturday, February 04, 2006

Its time to lay down

Since you asked:

I got the feeling the Seattle Seahawks are going to win the Super Bowl. Why? Everyone wants Pittsburgh, Seattle has nothing to lose. I saw clips of media day and the Seahawks reminded me of when I went to the Super Bowl media day – (oh, not again with your Super Bowl media day?)

Hang on, inner tirade. No, really, in Super Bowl XXXVII, the Tampa Bay Buccaneers seemed to be in on a secret and were enjoying themselves. The Oakland Raiders seemed bummed out and stressed out. Their center Barrett Robbins had gone a.w.o.l. and it hurt the Raiders.

Anytime you have a team with a we-have-nothing-to-lose-we-don’t-get-enough-respect mantra combined with a loose cocky confidence, they are going to be trouble. The Texas Longhorns had the same thing going before they beat USC in the Rose Bowl.

When I heard that Troy Palamalu sprained his ankle, my first thought was that this was a classic Steeler sandbag. Against the Minnesota Vikings in Super Bowl IX, all week they said their star receiver, Lynn Swann, had a pulled hamstring. In the second or first play, he took off and caught a long bomb.

But then I thought, no, Troy is too gutsy and classy. If he sits out of a practice that means he is really hurt.  And as Troy goes so goes the Steelers. You can talk “The Bus is back home in Detroit” all you want, but the key to this game is which defense plays better.  

Who is the hottest NFL team right now? The Steelers? Nope. Going into next season, the Miami Dolphins have won six in a row. The coldest team? The Oakland Raiders have lost six in a row. Look for those trends to continue next year.

Friday, February 03, 2006

Its time to lay down

Since you asked:
For reasons that are not known to any sensible human being, Led Zeppelin is not available on iTunes. They whore out their songs to Cadillac, but they won’t put them on iTunes?

Anyway, I broke down and bought a bunch of Zeppelin CDs and they are so cool. Not just for the music, which really rocks, but because it makes me sixteen in the head again. Like I mentioned, “Black Dog” starts with a sound that is exactly like a pole vault pole hitting a synthetic track.

“Boing boing boing boing. “Hey, Hey Mamma said the way you move . . .”

Man oh man, I can almost taste Diane Haskin’s cherry lip gloss. From making out with her, not borrowing it.

But it also shows how deathly loyal I was to my bands back in the day. Led Zeppelin, like all bands, the Beatles, Stones and Eagles included, had songs that were not as good as the others. And some songs that, let’s face it, stunk.

For example, from their “Physical Graffiti” album, I used to love “Ten Years Gone.” Oh, I would listen to that and get all misty eyed and moony for some girl whom I was too nervous to talk to, like Denise Bernier. (Now that enough time has passed, I have decided to restructure my history and declare Denise as my former girlfriend of many many torrid months)

Granted “TYG” has a cool acoustic guitar juxtaposed to arena rock-out power chords, a formula, like “Stairway to Heaven” that is usually a sure winner.

But the lyrics? Oh my god, high school poetry class bad.

Blind stars of fortune, each have several rays
On the wings of maybe, down in birds of prey
Kind of makes me feel sometimes, didn't have to grow
But as the eagle leaves the nest, it's got so far to go

What the . . .? That is dreadful. And;

Did you ever need some body, and really need them bad?
Did you ever really love somebody, the best stuff you’ve ever had?

And the song changes to a different melody in the middle, with a guitar solo that Jimmy Page phoned in. And “Achilles Last Stand”? Even when I was 17 I didn’t like that one.

But, Robert Plant, who kindly schooled me about early sixties R&B for a half an hour at a vintage record store on West Third Street in Greenwich Village, in 1985, is and always will be, my boy.

Its time to lay down

Have a good day and step off wit’ yo’ good foot now, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Groundhog Day
Groundhog Punxsutawney Phil saw his shadow, a sign that there'll be six more weeks of winter. And NBC’s peacock saw his shadow so there will be six more weeks of “Joey.”

How gay are they?
"'Brokeback Mountain' received eight nominations, Phillip Seymour Hoffman was nominated for his portrayal of Truman Capote, and Felicity Huffman was nominated for playing a transsexual. These Oscars are so gay they are giving a lifetime achievement award to Richard Simmons.

The Kentucky Derby will have a sponsor for the first time, striking a deal with a fast-food restaurant company that owns Taco Bell. In addition, Taco Bell will soon unveil their new burrito: El Cabillo Lento. The slow horse.

No go
The Kentucky Derby will have a sponsor for the first time, striking a deal with a fast-food restaurant company that owns Taco Bell. I guess the deal with Elmers Glue fell through.

So we are right back where we started
On this date in 1848 the Mexican-American war ended with a treaty that Mexico had to give the United States Arizona, Texas, Nevada, Utah, New Mexico and California. And as of the last census poll, Mexico has taken them all back.

In San Diego’s Wild Animal park, a lion cub has bonded and plays with a Mastiff puppy. The bad news is the lion cub can get a little rough; the good news is they don’t have to worry about clipping the Mastiff’s tail.

A little differant
Groundhog Day in Hollywood is a little different. The groundhog pops out and, if he sees his shadow, he is going to star in a gay-themed movie for six weeks.

Not since then, huh?
More European newspapers are printing cartoons depicting prophet Muhammad causing fury across the Muslim world. There haven’t been this many people mad at a cartoon since Charlie Brown had Snoopy fixed.

Apparently showing a caricature of Muhammad is considered blasphemous and infuriates devout Muslims. Sort of like how everything else infuriates devout Muslims.

“You put carrots in peas? Why you are a Muslim blasphemer evil infidel.”

How in the world do devout Muslims keep track of all of the things that infuriate them?

Super Food
Do you know what the number one choice of food is for the Super Bowl? Pizza. Do you know what the least popular food is for the Super Bowl? A bucket of the Colonel’s Bird flu wings.

Did I really write a knock knock joke?
More European newspapers are printing cartoons depicting prophet Muhammad causing fury across the Muslim world. If they don’t like that cartoon, they aren’t going to like my Knock Knock joke. Knock, knock. Who’s there? Muhammad. Muhammad who? Last year’s Super Bowl I was so drunk, I couldn’t have been mo’ hammad.”

Bad robot
Sony is putting their robot dog, Aibo to sleep. Sony lost money on the robot dog so they are stopping production. It turns out Aibo couldn’t be house trained and kept piddling oil on the floor.

Sony is putting their robot dog, Aibo to sleep. They were losing money on the robot dog so Sony stopped production. Apparently sales in parts of Asia fell off when consumers found Aibo was just like a real dog except for one thing: they couldn’t eat it.

Too high Def
Electronic stores are reporting that sales of high def TVs are skyrocketing before the Super Bowl. That is until they see the Rolling Stones at halftime then they’ll run and take them back; “Yeah you got a TV with a little less Def?”

How many appendages?
Steelers safety Troy Polamalu says his long hair has become "like a fifth appendage to me.” His hair is his fifth appendage? Let’s hope, for Troy’s sake, and his wife’s sake, he’s rusty at math.

Steelers safety Troy Polamalu says his long hair has become "like a fifth appendage to me.” For his sake, I hope sure hope Troy means his sixth appendage. But to Troy’s defense, remember he did go to USC so math isn’t his thing.

Fancy talk
James Frey, author of the Oprah endorsed “Million Little Pieces” has admitted he embellished in his memoir. The word embellished, incidentally is an embellished way of saying he lied.

Go see the principal
Hillary Clinton is under criticism from political analysts for chewing gum during the State of the Union speech. In fact, Laura Bush, an old school teacher, asked Hillary; “Did you bring enough for everybody?”

Be careful if you are traveling to Detroit for the Super Bowl. I don’t want to say Detroit is a tough town, but their tourist motto is “What Happens in Detroit stays in the Detroit Morgue.”

Since you asked:
You can tell a lot about what you think about someone by the way you instantly respond to seeing their name on the caller ID.

We have this one friend who is truly a very good person – she organizes all kinds of functions and events helps with soccer and school activities (here it comes) BUT, she is a no-inhale speed talker. When she gets going fast I can’t hear what she is saying because a, she talks too fast and b, I keep waiting for her to inhale. Honestly, for the harmonica, I want to ask her how she does it.

When she talks on the phone it’s like trying to read captions that are changing way too quickly.

Yesterday the phone rang, I picked up the phone and when her name popped up, you’d have thought the phone had turned into a rattle snake. Ahhhhh, I yelled, and dropped the phone and held my hands up in a little girly-like surrender gesture.

But she is a sweetheart and we are all crazy about her.

(Polite applause)

The 101.5 KGB Chainsaw patented compliment and rip and then compliment.

Thursday, February 02, 2006

Its time to lay down

You doggity dog doggin’ dogly dogster dog, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

That’s about right
Britney Spears is going to guest star on “Will and Grace.” Yeah, and Kevin Federline is going to guest star on “The Biggest Loser.”

Who has gasFormer Palestine president Abbas will meet with the leaders of the militant Hamas. Abbas and Hamas will discuss who’s on first.

Not catchy
Detroit has not had the increase in tourism they expected while hosting the Super Bowl. What did they expect? The Detroit tourism bureau’s slogan is; “Why the hell did you want to come here?”

Caution when using
A medical company in Utah has developed a portable pen that gets rid of pimples with a ray of light. But you have to be careful, if Kevin Federline used it his entire head could explode.

Who knew?
There was a surprising moment during President Bush’s State of the Union Address. It was a shock when Bush stopped, turned and told Dick Cheney; “I wish I could quit you.”

During his State of the Union Speech, President Bush said we need to stop our addiction to oil. They then had to revive Dick Cheney with a defibrillator.

Snoopity Dogizzy
Did you know that Snoop Dog sponsors and coaches a youth football team? Yeah, they’re really good, but they can’t play on Astroturf, they can only play on grass.

Actually, Snoop Dog and Willy Nelson coach it together. It’s a joint effort.

No contest
What is the theme of the Super Bowl featuring the Pittsburgh Steelers and the Seattle Seahawks that is played in Detroit in February? “Which City has the Worst Weather”?

Did not kill at the Kabul Komedy Kave
Palestinians continue to angrily protest Denmark’s newspapers publishing a cartoon of the Muslim prophet Muhammad. Wow, if just a little cartoon made them that mad, I better not do my Jesus-Moses-and-Muhammad-walk-into-a-bar joke.

Is there anything these Palestinians won’t angrily protest? “Death to peas with honey!” We need to get cable TV and strip clubs over to Palestine and fast.

Palestinians continue to angrily protest Denmark’s newspapers publishing a cartoon of the Muslim prophet Muhammad. And I don’t think the Danish retraction today is going to help. Did you see it? It just said three words: “Lighten up, Akbar.”

We have a correction. Last night Jay Leno told a joke about how Bill Clinton is so close to President Bush’s dad, he is like one of the family. President Bush calls his dad 41, the 41st president, and he calls Bush, 43, the 43rd president. And they call Clinton 69.

That’s wrong. Turns out they call Clinton 68. Yeah, she does Bill and he owes her one.

The ratings for “Skating with Celebrities” with Bruce Jenner, Debbie Gibson and Todd Bridges, are way below “Dancing with the Stars.” I’m no media expert, but the reason may be because there are no skating celebrities on “Skating with Celebrities.”

Since you asked;

So how is President Bush going to get us off of our dependence on oil? I don’t know. But then, I don’t know why you only itch in intimate, hard-to-reach places when you are out in public, either.

Now, I know what you are thinking, I should have my own talk show, right? Well, I would love that but I haven’t been able to find the deal that’s just right for me: control over all ancillary rights, huge budget, control over hiring, final editing of skits, control over the band. That and, well, nobody has offered me any deal.

But if I was a talk show host, I would have a blast right up until the novelty of meeting stars wears off and the incessant whoring of their projects begins to get old. Which I would give one month until I snapped and told some egomaniac no-talent hack;

“For the love of decency, I can’t pimp your crappy movies any more.”

And none of these BS, softball questions while pretending they came up out of nowhere.

“So, I am a dog person. Have you ever had an interesting experience with whipped cream and a Chihuahua in a limo in Central Park?”

“Funny you should ask, I was with Paris Hilton . . .”

No Sir, you come on my talk show you either play ball or you go home and cry to Mama. No butt smooching of celebrities, no booking guests I don’t care about, no whoring projects that I think suck. Not only that, but the commercials would have to be approved by me. If my viewers have to watch commercials, fine, but they are going to be good commercials.

It will include regular fun party-type grilling segments, and by fun I mean real guy type stuff. Emeril Lagasse seems like a real guy chef and then he’ll make a huge weird pie from scratch. I don’t make my own mayo, I scoop it out of a jar. I buy a jar of salsa. My yokes break. Stuff occasionally gets burned. But I can nail my tried-and-true dishes: a great strip steak, ribs, fish, chicken and shrimp. And my cedar plank Salmon is to die for.  

One day a month there will be a Texas hold ‘em tournament with real coin.

And I will institute a first in talk show history. I would go online into a “Fans of Martha Stewart” or such chat room and start jacking with people. “Is it true that, in prison, Martha shived a snitch?” And sit back and watch the fireworks fly. It is funny. People who take anything too seriously are a riot to set off.

I give the whole thing one week. Chevy Chase, Magic Johnson, babes, let’s do lunch.

Wednesday, February 01, 2006

Its time to lay down

I ain’t lyin’, I got to keep on ramblin’, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Safe Day
Because it’s only 13 days away, do you know what is the one day we don’t have to worry about suicide bombers? February 14th. No terrorist wants to get Valentines Day presents for 72 virgins.

Just kidding, Motown
Detroit has not had the increase in tourism they expected while hosting the Super Bowl. What did they expect? The Detroit tourism bureau’s slogan is; “We Don’t Like it Here Either.”

Important stuff
Last night was the State of the Union Address. President Bush spoke about the Iraqi war, the economy and how it was shameful that the Academy Awards snubbed; “Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo”

Tom would like to thank the little people, but nobody is littler than he is
Tom Cruise has received a worst actor Razzie nomination; in a statement Tom said he’d like to thank the Razzies for the worst actor nomination and to also thank Ben Affleck for not making a movie this year thus making the worst acting nomination available.

This has been a bad publicity year for Tom Cruise. So bad, in fact, that when Tom went to pay his Church of Scientology dues, they told him they’ve decided to go in another direction.  

Even him
Conservative Judge Samuel Alito Jr. was sworn in as a Supreme Court Judge; democrats are not happy. Today Ted Kennedy said anyone would be a better choice than Alito, even Kennedy’s bastard son.

We kid the New Jersey
New Jersey has a new state motto “New Jersey: Come see for yourself.” This is the better shorter version. Their first idea was “New Jersey: Come See For Yourself That The State Stinks Like That Really Weird Kid from Second Grade Named Darryl.”

Would I lie to you?
New Jersey has a new state motto “New Jersey: Come see for yourself.” This is better than their other idea for the motto: “New Jersey: What? You don’t believe it fell outta truck?”

A lot on their protesting plates
Thousands of angry Palestinians protested against Denmark for allowing cartoons mocking their prophet Muhammad. The protestors were furious, they had to postpone their angry protests against Israel, the US, and that “My Name is Earl” was snubbed by the Golden Globes.

So there
Ayman al-Zawahri, al-Qaida's second in command, taunted George Bush in a new video. It got pretty ugly, at one point al-Zawahri chanted to Bush “You can’t get me, neener, neener, neeeeeener, ‘cause you are a big dumb doody head times infinity.”

Ayman al-Zawahri, al-Qaida's second in command, taunted George Bush in a new video. In response the White House issued a standard “I know you are but what am I?” response.

Really screwed
Did you know that “Brokeback Mountain” did not win one single SAG award? They got so screwed they told the SAG awards “I wish I could quit you.”

In Palestine, Fatah’s leader, Mahmoud Abbas, lost the election to the militant Hamas. In short, Fatah’s Abbas lost to Hamas, thus creating the first ever Arab “Who’s on first?” routine.

Hair and a pair
A survey revealed that 62% of women are not happy with their hair and would rather have good hair than large breasts. In a related survey, of the men who were shown a woman’s large bare breasts, 98% could not remember if she even had hair.

Tuesday, January 31, 2006

Its time to lay down

31 January 2006

Tiger and Me

While it is still true that Tiger Woods is the epitome of fit and confident athletic coolness and he is the cutting edge of sports marketing and fashion, it is also true that, when Tiger blows his nose, and crinkles his face, Tiger is not far removed from the guy who is actually named Eldrick and whose nickname on the Stanford golf team was Urkel.

Tiger, although an amazing athlete who has taken a sport, ala Michael Jordan, to a level of a cultural phenomenon, nonetheless, the guy really needs to lighten up. He is stiffer than an old wood shafted putter with the press and he looks like he has as much fun on a golf course as a guy on a blind date with the winner of the Camilla Parker Bowles look-alike contest.

In retrospect, in my opinion, it was a huge mistake for Woods to take counsel with Michael Jordan at the start of his career. Jordan’s reputation as a greedy bully and his comments of referring to his teammates as “my supporting cast” and his need to maintain a huge buffer from his adoring public, has not held up well and the same is happening to Tiger.

As huge as Jordan was in the NBA, the guy couldn’t get anyone to sell him a team. And his does-not-suffer-fools-gladly prickliness has floated endless rumors of Jordan’s unpopularity with the powers that be in the NBA.

Fair or not, the buzz in San Diego, during and after a Tiger visit for the Buick Open at Torrey Pines, is not good. Rumors abound over bad or no tips, unfriendliness and a generally surly how-dare-you-enter-my-stratosphere? attitude from Tiger and his camp. Look at how Tiger has instructed his thug caddy, Steve Williams, to employ a scorched earth policy to anyone who might inconvenience his master.

Phil Mickelson, on the other hand, may be unpopular with the tour players, but he is beloved by his hometown San Diego fans. Much hospital visiting and signing autographs for the military.

Although the demands were not as great back then, nonetheless, Tiger should have used Arnold
Palmer or even Jack Nicklaus as his blueprint, not Michael Jordan. Yes, even the all-knowing laconic Golden Bear seemed like Carrot Top to his fans and the press compared to Tiger.

Wouldn’t you think there would be someone at Nike who would work on making Tiger seem easier going? Well then, trust me, you have never been to Nike.

A long time ago I interviewed for a sports marketing position at Nike – a job that I wouldn’t have gotten if every other sports marketing hack in the country suddenly vanished – and you simply would not believe the cult-like sense of superiority and paranoia that chokes that place. The holier-than-thou attitude came from the top, Phil Knight, down to the guy who checks and rechecks your ID on their Beaverton “campus” and then gives you a dirty look like “Why is this idiot even here?”

Knowing how arrogant Nike is as a corporation – their mission statement is to not only destroy all competition, but to humiliate it in the process while single-handedly saving the world – Nike is probably fanning Tiger’s stuck up image.

It just hit me. You know what Tiger needs? A full time comedy writer on his staff.

You got it, folks, for a modest fee, say, a chunk off his new Yacht, your’s truly will give Tiger Woods little funny snippets to throw into his dryer-than-sandpaper-toast delivery.

Now I’m not saying I can turn Eldrick Urkel into Shecky Green, but the guy is smart. There is no doubt I can turn that frown upside down with a few “Did you hear the one about my carbon fiber shaft?” jokes. Hell, the guy has a full time wardrobe manager, what’s a few bucks for a comedy writer to him?

The Press: “Tiger, how is that once sore knee of yours?”

Tiger; “Fine, but it does flare up at night when I have to get on it to beg Elin for sex.”

The Press: “Hey Tiger, what is your favorite thing to do when you are not playing golf?”

Tiger; “Making my knee sore.”

The Press: “Tiger, you have played golf with President Bush. What advice did you give him about his golf game?”

Tiger; “To develop an exit strategy and play tennis instead”

The Press; “Tiger, how ugly is Charles Barkley’s swing?”

Tiger; “Have you ever seen John Daly in the shower?”

The Press; “Yeah?”

Tiger; “Worse.”

That kind of, killer, killer stuff. In no time the press will be saying ; “David Flaherty who?”

Tiger, boo boo, sweety, sugar-bumps, have your people call my people, i.e., me, and we’ll do lunch. You can even bring your wife, what’s her name, if you want.

Monday, January 30, 2006

Its time to lay down

We gonna track down the smack down in the brizzizzy, my famizzy, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

It’s official
Tiger Woods won the Buick Open at Torrey Pines. On Sunday Tiger won wearing a salmon colored shirt. Salmon? It’s official this “Brokeback Mountain” thing has gone too far.  

Have you seen the ads for Emma Thompson’s “Nanny McPhee”? Emma Thompson was made up so ugly, Prince Charles married her.

Over the top?
Prince Charles warned the English that if they did not start exercising more, they could become as fat as Americans; to which Americans replied, “We can always lose weight, Chuckie, but you’ll always look like a Basset hound’s scrotum.”

Maybe Americans are heavier than the British; weight gain can occur when you actually have functioning teeth.

Motor City Madness
It will be interesting having the Super Bowl in Detroit. The City’s Motto is “Detroit: You can’t spell it without a riot.”

Not clear on the concept
The author of “A Million Little Pieces”, James Frey, is still in trouble over fabricated items in his memoirs. And I don’t think Frey has learned his lesson. Today Frey unveiled his latest book; “How I Bitch-Slapped Harry Potter.”

Looking back, we could have guessed the book was not all true. The forward was written by Darth Vader.

The book “A Million Little Pieces” draws into question the difference between embellishing and lying; for example, if I said that Camilla Parker Bowles is fairly attractive, that’s embellishing, but if I say Camilla Parker Bowles is a woman, now that’s lying.

Oprah was furious at James Frey. I haven’t seen Oprah this mad since the Treasury Department rejected putting her face on the Million dollar bill.

The author of “A Million Little Pieces”, James Frey, had to appear on “Oprah” and explain to the furious host the fabricated items in his memoirs. How would you like to have been that guy? It’s like being sent to the principal on national TV.

Who’s on Mecca?
In Palestine, Fatah’s leader, Mahmoud Abbas, lost the election to the militant Hamas. In short, Fatah’s Abbas lost to Hamas, thus creating the first ever Arab “Who’s on first?” routine.

Butch, you are so fierce today, stop it
“Brokeback Mountain” won the directors guild award. Can you imagine if other westerns were gay-themed? In “Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid” instead of “Who are those guys?” It would have been “I wish I could quit those guys.”