Wednesday, February 01, 2006

Its time to lay down

I ain’t lyin’, I got to keep on ramblin’, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Safe Day
Because it’s only 13 days away, do you know what is the one day we don’t have to worry about suicide bombers? February 14th. No terrorist wants to get Valentines Day presents for 72 virgins.

Just kidding, Motown
Detroit has not had the increase in tourism they expected while hosting the Super Bowl. What did they expect? The Detroit tourism bureau’s slogan is; “We Don’t Like it Here Either.”

Important stuff
Last night was the State of the Union Address. President Bush spoke about the Iraqi war, the economy and how it was shameful that the Academy Awards snubbed; “Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo”

Tom would like to thank the little people, but nobody is littler than he is
Tom Cruise has received a worst actor Razzie nomination; in a statement Tom said he’d like to thank the Razzies for the worst actor nomination and to also thank Ben Affleck for not making a movie this year thus making the worst acting nomination available.

This has been a bad publicity year for Tom Cruise. So bad, in fact, that when Tom went to pay his Church of Scientology dues, they told him they’ve decided to go in another direction.  

Even him
Conservative Judge Samuel Alito Jr. was sworn in as a Supreme Court Judge; democrats are not happy. Today Ted Kennedy said anyone would be a better choice than Alito, even Kennedy’s bastard son.

We kid the New Jersey
New Jersey has a new state motto “New Jersey: Come see for yourself.” This is the better shorter version. Their first idea was “New Jersey: Come See For Yourself That The State Stinks Like That Really Weird Kid from Second Grade Named Darryl.”

Would I lie to you?
New Jersey has a new state motto “New Jersey: Come see for yourself.” This is better than their other idea for the motto: “New Jersey: What? You don’t believe it fell outta truck?”

A lot on their protesting plates
Thousands of angry Palestinians protested against Denmark for allowing cartoons mocking their prophet Muhammad. The protestors were furious, they had to postpone their angry protests against Israel, the US, and that “My Name is Earl” was snubbed by the Golden Globes.

So there
Ayman al-Zawahri, al-Qaida's second in command, taunted George Bush in a new video. It got pretty ugly, at one point al-Zawahri chanted to Bush “You can’t get me, neener, neener, neeeeeener, ‘cause you are a big dumb doody head times infinity.”

Ayman al-Zawahri, al-Qaida's second in command, taunted George Bush in a new video. In response the White House issued a standard “I know you are but what am I?” response.

Really screwed
Did you know that “Brokeback Mountain” did not win one single SAG award? They got so screwed they told the SAG awards “I wish I could quit you.”

In Palestine, Fatah’s leader, Mahmoud Abbas, lost the election to the militant Hamas. In short, Fatah’s Abbas lost to Hamas, thus creating the first ever Arab “Who’s on first?” routine.

Hair and a pair
A survey revealed that 62% of women are not happy with their hair and would rather have good hair than large breasts. In a related survey, of the men who were shown a woman’s large bare breasts, 98% could not remember if she even had hair.