Thursday, February 02, 2006

Its time to lay down

You doggity dog doggin’ dogly dogster dog, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

That’s about right
Britney Spears is going to guest star on “Will and Grace.” Yeah, and Kevin Federline is going to guest star on “The Biggest Loser.”

Who has gasFormer Palestine president Abbas will meet with the leaders of the militant Hamas. Abbas and Hamas will discuss who’s on first.

Not catchy
Detroit has not had the increase in tourism they expected while hosting the Super Bowl. What did they expect? The Detroit tourism bureau’s slogan is; “Why the hell did you want to come here?”

Caution when using
A medical company in Utah has developed a portable pen that gets rid of pimples with a ray of light. But you have to be careful, if Kevin Federline used it his entire head could explode.

Who knew?
There was a surprising moment during President Bush’s State of the Union Address. It was a shock when Bush stopped, turned and told Dick Cheney; “I wish I could quit you.”

During his State of the Union Speech, President Bush said we need to stop our addiction to oil. They then had to revive Dick Cheney with a defibrillator.

Snoopity Dogizzy
Did you know that Snoop Dog sponsors and coaches a youth football team? Yeah, they’re really good, but they can’t play on Astroturf, they can only play on grass.

Actually, Snoop Dog and Willy Nelson coach it together. It’s a joint effort.

No contest
What is the theme of the Super Bowl featuring the Pittsburgh Steelers and the Seattle Seahawks that is played in Detroit in February? “Which City has the Worst Weather”?

Did not kill at the Kabul Komedy Kave
Palestinians continue to angrily protest Denmark’s newspapers publishing a cartoon of the Muslim prophet Muhammad. Wow, if just a little cartoon made them that mad, I better not do my Jesus-Moses-and-Muhammad-walk-into-a-bar joke.

Is there anything these Palestinians won’t angrily protest? “Death to peas with honey!” We need to get cable TV and strip clubs over to Palestine and fast.

Palestinians continue to angrily protest Denmark’s newspapers publishing a cartoon of the Muslim prophet Muhammad. And I don’t think the Danish retraction today is going to help. Did you see it? It just said three words: “Lighten up, Akbar.”

We have a correction. Last night Jay Leno told a joke about how Bill Clinton is so close to President Bush’s dad, he is like one of the family. President Bush calls his dad 41, the 41st president, and he calls Bush, 43, the 43rd president. And they call Clinton 69.

That’s wrong. Turns out they call Clinton 68. Yeah, she does Bill and he owes her one.

The ratings for “Skating with Celebrities” with Bruce Jenner, Debbie Gibson and Todd Bridges, are way below “Dancing with the Stars.” I’m no media expert, but the reason may be because there are no skating celebrities on “Skating with Celebrities.”

Since you asked;

So how is President Bush going to get us off of our dependence on oil? I don’t know. But then, I don’t know why you only itch in intimate, hard-to-reach places when you are out in public, either.

Now, I know what you are thinking, I should have my own talk show, right? Well, I would love that but I haven’t been able to find the deal that’s just right for me: control over all ancillary rights, huge budget, control over hiring, final editing of skits, control over the band. That and, well, nobody has offered me any deal.

But if I was a talk show host, I would have a blast right up until the novelty of meeting stars wears off and the incessant whoring of their projects begins to get old. Which I would give one month until I snapped and told some egomaniac no-talent hack;

“For the love of decency, I can’t pimp your crappy movies any more.”

And none of these BS, softball questions while pretending they came up out of nowhere.

“So, I am a dog person. Have you ever had an interesting experience with whipped cream and a Chihuahua in a limo in Central Park?”

“Funny you should ask, I was with Paris Hilton . . .”

No Sir, you come on my talk show you either play ball or you go home and cry to Mama. No butt smooching of celebrities, no booking guests I don’t care about, no whoring projects that I think suck. Not only that, but the commercials would have to be approved by me. If my viewers have to watch commercials, fine, but they are going to be good commercials.

It will include regular fun party-type grilling segments, and by fun I mean real guy type stuff. Emeril Lagasse seems like a real guy chef and then he’ll make a huge weird pie from scratch. I don’t make my own mayo, I scoop it out of a jar. I buy a jar of salsa. My yokes break. Stuff occasionally gets burned. But I can nail my tried-and-true dishes: a great strip steak, ribs, fish, chicken and shrimp. And my cedar plank Salmon is to die for.  

One day a month there will be a Texas hold ‘em tournament with real coin.

And I will institute a first in talk show history. I would go online into a “Fans of Martha Stewart” or such chat room and start jacking with people. “Is it true that, in prison, Martha shived a snitch?” And sit back and watch the fireworks fly. It is funny. People who take anything too seriously are a riot to set off.

I give the whole thing one week. Chevy Chase, Magic Johnson, babes, let’s do lunch.