Thursday, January 26, 2006

Its time to lay down

Stamp it, ramp it and tramp it, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Rancers

True, true, true
In an interview about his upcoming rap album, Kevin Federline said his music will speak for itself. He’s right, the album is titled; “I’m a Worthless Lazy Freeloader.”

No Edward
Google in China will censor searches for booze and jokes; so, in other words, they will never know about Ted Kennedy.

So tacky, Lex
For the Chinese New Year it is the Year of the Dog. In addition, the special at the Beijing Sizzler is the rear of the dog.

Fictional Memoir
Author James Frey is under fire from Oprah and critics for lying in his memoirs; “A Million Little Pieces.” In fact, Frey will have to revise the book. For example, Chapter five will now be; “I spent three months in jail. Oh, wait, no, I guess I didn’t. My bad.”

Yah gotta kinda wonder a little bit
You could kind of tell Frey’s book stretched the truth. For example that one part where he said he and O.J. looked for the real killers while galloping on their unicorns.

In fact, under truth-of-advertising-law, Frey may have to change the title from “A Million Little Pieces” to “A Million Little Pieces of Total Crap.”

Oprah was furious at Frey for lying in the book she promoted. In fact, I haven’t seen Oprah this angry since her boyfriend Steadman tried to sneak into her bedroom.

I’m sorry, you just can’t lie about your past and expect to get away with it or my name isn’t O.J. Simpson Robert Blake.

You know when I first suspected Frey’s book was phony? When he claimed he had evidence of Iraqi weapons of mass destruction.

No kidding?
President Bush has declared a war on pornography, and who is the enemy in the war on pornography? An Army of One Hand.

The war on pornography will bring an entirely different meaning to the military ambush term: bush whacked.

Does anyone know how we are going to possibly win the war on pornography? Because it sure beats me.

Justifiable crime
German police were able to track a thief who stole a Karaoke machine due to a trail of feathers from his ripped down parka. The man claims he stole the Karaoke machine in self-defense: a drunk Japanese businessman was trying to sing “Layla” or as he sang; “Rayrah.”

The man was charged with theft and attempting to sing “Feelings.”

Easy Al
Al Gore has reportedly packed on at least 50 pounds since he ran for President; yeah, in fact, if Gore ran for president again, this time there is even more of him that wouldn’t get elected.

50 pounds. Let this be a lesson, if you work at McDonalds, stay away from the deep fried pies.

Shut it
In the “Rolling Stone,” US Skier loudmouth Bode Miller said Barry Bonds and Lance Armstrong cheated with drugs. If this Bode guy runs the downhill as fast as he runs his mouth, he is a cinch for the gold.

Since you asked:
Why am I such a sap for this kind of stuff? Check this out, this is so cool:

Click on “View the commercial.”

Just made the killer work out iPod playlist. I dare you to keep your feet still when listening to it. It may be a tad heavy for some but you need to rock to work out. Again, these are great-to-work-out-to songs, that doesn’t mean they are the best songs period. They gets you going, do be what they do.

Hells Bells AC/DC. It rocks but it starts slow and cool.

All Down the Line Rolling Stones. If there is an underrated stones tune, this is it. Great road song

Gimme Some Lovin’ Spencer Davis Group. Yes, I know Stevie Winwood was 17 when he sang it

Rock and Roll Ain’t Noise Pollution, AC/DC. This is in the Nike commercial

Rock & Roll, Led Zeppelin The starting drums alone will get you going. Damn Cadillac to hell.

Bitch, Rolling Stones. Love that little high two note hammer Keith does in the middle of the signature riff.

You Shook Me All Night Long. AC/DC Sure, it’s a wedding dance cliché but that don’t mean it don’t rock. God bless her American thighs. Dammit.

Whole ‘lotta Love, Led Zeppelin. Sure the lyrics are jacked-up over-the-top. So what?

Back in Black, AC/DC Title track rocks like the rest of the album.

Are You Gonna Be My Gal, Jet. OK, so it is the first song from this millennium, it rocks old school.

When the Levee Breaks, Led Zeppelin. You don’t like the sexy drums and the amped Bb cross harp that is bent like Becks? Well, then I don’t like you.

Hard to Handle, Black Crows. Lyrics remind me of my buddy, Ronnie B, saying: Happinin’?

Black Dog, Led Zeppelin, That sound in the beginning is the noise a pole vault pole makes when it hits the track.

Break Up Song, Greg Kihn band. Highly underrated tune.

Danger Zone, Kenny Loggins. OK, mock me as a yellow power tie wearing relic of the Eighties, I don’t care, this song rocks. I dare you to think of Maverick (Cruise in the cool pre-couch bounding days) going ballistic without you going crazy.

Since you asked, II
My comedy writing pal Janice Hough sent me the e-mail about the guy who bought a burger at a fast food joint for $3.58 and when he gave the cashier eight cents to get back two quarters with his one, she froze with confusion and cried.

This is no lie. I ordered food to go from a local sports bar beer joint. When my food came up and I tried to pay, the waiter said;

“Sorry, I can’t give you your bill, the computer is down.”

After ten minutes, I suggested he just tell me how much I owed him and I would pay because I didn’t need a receipt. The waiter looked at me like I was mentally ill and said;

“But the computer is still down.”

After another ten minutes, he got the manager after I explained that I needed to go while the food was still vaguely warm.

Finally, when the manager had some spare time, he took out a calculator, and a menu and a pad of paper and sat down at an empty table looking like he was doing his taxes; he slowly looked up the prices of my three items, wrote them down, and then, using the calculator, he added the total. He then asked me what the sales tax was. When I informed him it was 7.75 percent, he asked me, with no shame at all, how to get 7.75 percent of the total on the calculator.

And he was the manager.

It took every muscle and nerve I had to not get all “Why back in my day” on these morons and scream that, when I was a waiter, not only did we have the menu prices memorized, we could calculate the sales tax in our head as well as figuring out and adding a 15 percent gratuity for parties larger than ten.

But then we didn’t know how to get to the 30th level of Halo 2.

Say it with me, Slats and Nuggies:

“You punks get off my lawn and slow down, there are children in this neighborhood, dammit.”

Its time to lay down

We a mean machine right in between, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Mon Dieu
President Bush has declared a war on pornography; you thought the French could surrender fast before?

Go figure?
How ironic, a guy named Bush declaring a war on porn.

The war on pornography is different. The fighting is all hand to hand.

Bush is serious about this war on pornography. Today they sent the first plane load of pool cleaners and pizza delivery men to Camp X-Ray.

Notice how President Bush waited to declare a war on pornography in his second term? If Bush had declared war on pornography in his first term even John Kerry could have beaten him

President Bush has declared a war on pornography; well, at least Bush found a war with its own built-in exit strategy.

A study reveals that erectile dysfunction drugs, like Viagra and Cialis, may cause kindness. Oh, sorry, I didn’t read that right, they may cause blindness, not kindness, I read that wrong.

A study reveals that erectile dysfunction drugs, like Viagra and Cialis, may cause blindness. Upon hearing this, Prince Charles replied; “What’s the bad news?”

Oh sure, now that he is married and President,  Bush declares a war on pornography; if the Internet had been around when Bush was in that frat in college, he would have had to have been hospitalized for tendonitis of the elbow.

Mullah in the Middle
Albert Brooks is starring in a comedy titled “Looking For Comedy in the Muslim World.” There is a lot of comedy in the Muslim world. “Knock, knock.” “Who’s there?” “ah-Kahnot bah’leef.” “ah-Kahnot bah’leef who?” “ah-Kahnot bah’leef I tried to knock on a tent.”

Albert Brooks is starring in a comedy titled “Looking For Comedy in the Muslim World.” There is a lot of comedy in the Muslim world. What day does a suicide bomber dread? February 14th. You try and figure out what to get 72 virgins for Valentines Day.

There is a lot of comedy in the Muslim world. It’s just not a place where a comedian wants to bomb, that’s all.

Vast Improvement
After Kobe Bryant’s mind-boggling 81 point scoring spree, Kobe reports his teammates are calling him Mr. 81. That’s an improvement, during is sexual assault trial, they called him Mr. 69.

Shame on me
The Pope announced that erotic desire without sacrifice or spiritual devotion, is not love. To which every man on the planet replied, who cares?

And they have “Gilmore Girls”
The WB and UPN networks will be shut down this Fall to form a new network, CW. The WB and UPN Networks feature such popular shows as “Gilmore Girls” and, well, there is that other one, and, of course, uh, and, um, did I mention “Gilmore Girls”?

Identity crisis
Philadelphia Pacer star Ron Artest said he was unhappy and simply stopped playing. Then the Pacers tried to trade him to Sacramento Kings, but he won’t go. So Artest won’t go to work and won’t go anywhere else. Who does he think he is, Kevin Federline?  

Uh, Jessica, no, that’s not, oh forget it
Insiders say that Jessica Simpson is lobbying to be the next Bond girl; or as Jessica Simpson calls James Bond: Zero, Zero and This many (Seven Fingers)

Have you seen the commercial for the anti-mucus drug, Mucinex? It features a huge, green, disgusting Mucus cartoon character. What is with this trend of medicine companies portraying gross cartoon characters like the yellow toe fungus monsters in Lamisil? And let’s all pray the folks at Preparation-H don’t hear about it.

Tuesday, January 24, 2006

Its time to lay down

Rock steady, baby, that’s what I feel now, let’s call this song exactly what it is, what it is, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Toy Story
The biggest selling toy in the Arab world is Falla, a Muslim Barbi doll with a head scarf. The second most popular toy in the Arab world? Explode Me Elmo.

Toy Story 2
The biggest selling toy in the Arab world is Falla, a Muslim Barbi doll with a head scarf. The second most popular toy in the Arab world? The boy’s soldier doll: Jihad Joe.

Fat heads
Kraft announced they are coming out with a wide-mouth jar of mayonnaise. How fat and lazy have we become when we have to have a mayonnaise jar so wide that you can stick your head right in it and start lapping.

Here she comes, Miss Demeanor
For the first time the Miss America pageant was in Las Vegas. The Miss America pageant was a little different in Las Vegas, for example, Miss Congeniality was arrested for soliciting a cop.

For the talent competition, Miss California snuck over a ten foot high border fence.

The Super Bowl is in Detroit on February 5. You know how the motto of Las Vegas is “What happens in Las Vegas stays in Las Vegas?” In Detroit, the motto is “What Happens in Detroit Gets Dumped in the Detroit River.”

It is cold in Detroit. The Michigan state bird is a snowball.

We don’t want to imply that Detroit is dangerous, but the city crest is a body chalk outline.

Detroit is a tough city. The number one cause of death is dying from hypothermia while being treated for a gunshot wound.

Must Flee TV
NBC has cancelled “Will and Grace.” Some people are taking this kind of hard. Ryan Seacrest was so depressed he could only go to six of his TV hosting jobs today.

NBC has cancelled “Will and Grace.” Some people are taking this kind of hard. Tom Cruise is so upset he actually held Katie Holmes for comfort.

NBC has dropped “The West Wing.” Apparently they found pictures of President Bartlett with Jack Abramoff.
(Thanks, J.H.)

Who knew?
On this date in 1908 the Boy Scouts were founded in London. Did you know that the Boy Scouts started in London? This explains why there is no Dentistry Merit Badge.

Too bad
People are still talking about the Los Angeles Lakers Kobe Bryant’s 81 points in one game against the Toronto Raptors. The only bad news? The other four Lakers were arrested for loitering.

81 points in one game. Now we know what Kobe is capable when he focuses his energy away from the room service waitresses.

Kobe said he was happy with is 81 points considering he had a bad ankle. That has to make the
Toronto Raptors feel good. How many would he have scored if he felt good?

Mean, so mean
This Sunday is the Screen Actors Guild, or SAG awards. Now, I’m not positive, but at the Golden Globes didn’t Drew Barrymore and her green dress already win the SAG award?

Ford Ward
Super Bowl XL is being played in Ford Field. Otherwise known as Pink Slip Stadium.

Uh, no Sir, that’s not what, oh forget it
It was embarrassing when they asked President Bush which team he is for in the Super Bowl. Bush said, “The Seahawks because I don’t think a team should be named the Steelers because that might encourage children to steal.”

Since you asked:
So, once again, me and the Stinker, aka, Swinker, aka, Swinkietown, aka, Swinkhiemer, are at the store. We pop into the local bakery because, as I am grilling my killer, avocado, bacon cheeseburgers, I need the killer buns and they normally have them.

Well, they were sold out but they did have hamburger buns but made of Challah, (pronounced Hallah) a sweet Jewish dessert bread. Maybe, I thought, they would go well with grill marks, but, in the end, I decided not to get them. Why? Wait for it, wait for it . . . ‘cause I ain’t no Challah bread grill, no I ain’t no Challah bread grill . . .

OK, that one even made me a little sick.

Monday, January 23, 2006

Its time to lay down

It’s time to lay down the play down, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

How cold was it?
Man it was cold this morning, I was shaking like a Denver Bronco fan who works for Ford.

You had a bad weekend if you were a Bronco fan or worked for Ford. And a really bad weekend if you worked on the Ford Bronco.

Now that is fooling around
NBA star Tony Parker is reportedly furious that his girlfriend, Eva Langoria, was seen groping with “Ray” actor Jamie Foxx at a Golden Globe party. How serious were Foxx and Eva fooling around? Let’s just say Foxx’s Oscar was all over Eva’s Golden Globes.

Name game
Bad news for Fox’s “Skating with Celebrities” with Todd Bridges, Bruce Jenner and Debbie Gibson. Truth-in-advertising laws require Fox to change the name to “Skating with Has-Beens.”

Analysts have been pouring over the new audio tape by Osama bin Laden. It was particularly odd when Osama thanked the foreign press for his Golden Globe.

It was particularly odd when Osama announced he wanted to give a shout out to his main beeyatch, Eva Langoria.

Hung quite a number
The Los Angeles Lakers Kobe Bryant scored 81 points, the second most to Wilt Chamberlain’s 100 points, in a 122-104 win over the Toronto Raptors. Or as the New York Knicks call 81 points, January.

Which is 96 points after the Canadian exchange rate.

The Los Angeles Lakers Kobe Bryant scored 81 points, the second highest to Wilt Chamberlain’s 100 points. It was the most Wilt had ever scored, until he was invited to the Playboy Mansion.

K-Fed, report to the office
There was a terrible accident and traffic jam in San Diego when a garbage truck ripped down a sign because the garbage truck was driving with the dumpster up. Well, so much for Kevin Federline’s first day at the job.

Not pretty
The Denver Broncos lost 34-17 to the Pittsburgh Steelers. Denver quarterback Jake Plummer spent so much time on his butt it was the worst case of Plummer's butt since Michael Moore wore a banana thong to the beach.

Double Duty
A lawsuit deposition when Paris Hilton was asked if she knew an article appeared in a U.K. tabloid, Paris said; “No, it was like in London.” And all this time we thought Jessica Simpson was the dumb one and Paris was only the slutty one.

A lawsuit deposition when Paris Hilton was asked to identify the name of a man, Paris said “He had a weird Greek name like Douglass.” Congratulations, Jessica Simpson, you are no longer the dumbest blonde.

Big night
The ex-fiancé of Nicolette Sheridan, actor, Niklass Soderblom, said the, “Desperate Housewives” star Sheridan was lousy in bed giving her a 2 out of 10 rating in bed. Or as Star Jones husband Al Reynolds calls a 2 out of 10 rating in bed: a good night.

And anything on Michael Jackson
Plastic surgeons say the most requested celebrity feature has changed from Angelina Jolie’s full lips to Scarlett Johanson’s pouty lips. And the least requested celebrity feature? Paris Hilton’s ass calluses.

Plastic surgeons say the most requested celebrity feature has changed from Angelina Jolie’s full lips to Scarlett Johanson’s pouty lips. And the least requested celebrity feature? Owen Wilson’s penis-shaped nose.

Not bright
In a lawsuit deposition, an attorney had to explain to Paris Hilton the difference between left and right. He explained it to Paris saying that left and right is how she catches sexually transmitted diseases.

Two is the loneliest number
San Francisco Giant manager Filipe Alou told the press he was thinking about batting Barry Bonds second in the lineup, but Bonds said he doesn’t want to bat second. The number two is tough on Bonds because it reminds him of the number of testicles he had before steroids.

Since you asked:
So there I am with my lovely, sweet, funny, smart, stud-soccer-player daughter at the store.

When I was a terrified parent-to-be I had a transcendent moment. I saw this woman with her kids at the store and she was a nightmare: yelling at the kids, ignoring the kids, just making her family and herself and everybody in the store miserable.

Then I saw this really cute Mom with a toddler and she was just beaming. Everything her kid did cracked her up, even when it was a little bad. The kid was happy, the Mom was ecstatic and everyone felt a little better for seeing them.

At that moment, I resolved to be exactly like the cute Mom. OK, that didn’t sound right, but you know what I mean.

Boy am I lucky. I love to go the store with Ann Caroline and we have the best time. Today I picked up a bottle of pain-be-gone juice, or Kettle One vodka. I told my daughter – because I can just hear Ann Caroline in What-Did-You-Last-Night time in class yelling;

“Last night my Dad bought a huge bottle of Vodka.”

So, fooling around, I picked up the bottle and told Ann Caroline that it was adult tea. She said;

“But it doesn’t look like tea.” I said;

“Because it is clear tea. Yeah, because it gives you – wait for it, wait for it – Clarity.

Oh, I kill me.

If I did quit booze, because I am busy and have that Attention Deficit Whatever-it’s called, can I go to a six step program?